So I guess I’m getting separated - updated in OP

[starburst604]

Update: 

I finally had a conversation with H today about separating. We are going to talk to DD this weekend and he will go stay with friends after that (extra space in a good mutual friend's home), instead of his mom's. He'll be living even a little further than I anticipated, but we've stayed overnight on weeknights there plenty and we both know that by getting up early, it's achievable to get home in time for bus/school and he agreed he would still do that a few days a week and we talked about how we'll divide up the upcoming February school break. We both agreed that if we split for good we'll sell this house and both live in our same town, or one of us will and the other nearby.  It was an ok conversation until he started throwing his BS at me again, TLDR that we are here because I don't give him enough sex/attention/love and I must have someone on the side. I ended the conversation and left the room after that. I'm not going to argue with stupid, I've spent 10 years trying and I'm done with that. His lack of self-awareness is astounding. We will keep the upcoming marriage counseling appointment we have, if just to help us with co-parenting. I really don't know if I have the strength to unpack all the baggage of our marriage and try to fix it, but I guess I'll see what happens when we get there. 

I met with a 2nd attorney yesterday and she was wonderful. So was so thorough in dissecting how everything would work and finding out the nuances of our marriage, both our relationship and finances. We discussed his alcohol abuse/narcissism and what my options would be should he escalate into me feeling physically threatened at any point. She gave me very specific instructions for who to call and where to go. I felt very confident with her and like she has handled plenty like him before and I left feeling like I will end up financially ok. She said she's only had to take one divorce to trial this year, so I trust that she's a good and fair negotiator. I'll definitely hire her if divorce is the outcome. I have not and won't reveal to H that I've talked to attorneys. If I decide to move forward, it will take about 6 weeks to get the papers so I probably wouldn't tell him I want a divorce until those are ready so we can just serve them right away and have the protections of those papers financially. 



PDQ

Following a big blowup last night, H has told me there is no chemistry between us and we have nothing in common. When we talked more this morning we agreed to go to counseling, but in the same conversation he was talking about going to stay at his mother’s. As that conversation continued, he said some really cruel things including that he regrets marrying me, and I told him go ahead and stay at his mother’s because I don’t deserve the things he was saying. I knew that our marriage could use some TLC and had been reaching out to marriage counselors but hadn’t had luck yet. But I had no idea that he felt this unhappy so this just feels very sudden that he’s so checked out.

My head is whirling right now. We’ll have to sell this new house. DD will be devastated. Mostly I’m just laying here crying. I reached out to my cousin to see if she’s around tonight, if she is I may go stay with her for the night to talk and get some space. She’s the only one I would want to talk to IRL about this right now.

[ssmjlm]

I’m so sorry. Please use us for support.

[fortnightlily]

I'm really sorry.

[meganew]

I’m so sorry <3

[Saudade]

Oh goodness I’m so sorry

[abs]

Hugs to you. I’m sorry.

[pumpkin]

I’m so sorry. Love and hugs to you.

[wildrice]

Oh my gosh - I am so sorry! This sounds like shocking information for him to suddenly share - that's so shitty. What the hell! I am angry at him for doing this to you.

I hope you are able to see your cousin tonight. I am thinking of you and here if you need any support!

[court26]

Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. It’s a lot to process when you see it coming so this has to be so much more. As you know, this board is always here for you….

[scm1011]

Oh starburst604, I am so sorry and surprised to hear this. I hope you’re able to get the support you need as you navigate next steps, whatever they may be. We’re here for you, big hugs.

[dochas]

I'm so sorry.

[livinitup]

What an absolute jerk.

[mrsukyankee]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending all the hugs.

[trytobearunner34]

I am so sorry.

I was in a very similar situation exactly three weeks ago. I thought we were still working on our marriage. My husband had come to the conclusion that we had done all that we could do and it was time to separate. That is what we are in the process of doing. We tell our daughter this afternoon.

The initial days were crushing (today I think will re-open the wounds when we tell our daughter) but the more we talked the more I came to realize changing what we do is not going to change who we are and that is what would need to happen for our marriage to work.

Things have gone as well as can be expected to this point.

I know I am mostly a lurker and you don’t know me, but if you want to talk to someone please feel free to PM.

Sending you hugs and allll of the virtual support!

[lilypad1126]

I’m so sorry to hear this. What a jerk! Sending you hugs and strength as you navigate this.

[kdubs923]

I’m so sorry, that’s a lot to process. Sending you some internet stranger strength as you go through the next few minutes, days, weeks…

[fernweh]

I’m so sorry

[starburst604]

Jan 27, 2024 10:07:33 GMT -5 wildrice said:

Oh my gosh - I am so sorry! This sounds like shocking information for him to suddenly share - that's so shitty. What the hell! I am angry at him for doing this to you.

I hope you are able to see your cousin tonight. I am thinking of you and here if you need any support!

I’m angry too. He kept saying “we haven’t been happy for 5 years” to which I said please don’t speak for me. While there are plenty of things that could have been better, I was not overall UNhappy. He has it pretty damn good, I do freaking EVERYTHING. I keep thinking about that and angry crying.

Also, anytime someone posts something this sudden I always think there is probably someone else, so nothing would surprise me.

[starburst604]

trytobearunner34 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs to you as you navigate the conversation with your DD today. Thinking about having to do that rips my heart to shreds.

[fivechickens]

I am so sorry.

What a jackass for being so cruel.

[stemmie]

I so sorry.

[blondemoment123]

I'm so sorry. This board has been incredibly supportive. We're here when you're ready.

[maudefindlay]

I'm sending you a big hug. Yes, reach out to your cousin and get any support you can right now. I'm glad you called him out for speaking for you, that is shitty and hints at possibly a person guilty of something trying to put some blame on you. That said, you aren't selling your house today, you aren't going to counseling today, and you aren't telling your daughter today. Today you breathe and hug your daughter and your dogs.

[emilyinchile]

Oh my god, things he could have mentioned BEFORE buying a new house. I'm so sorry.

[Patsy Baloney]

I’m really sorry. I’m always here to trash an ex, so say the word.

If you do everything for him, it sounds like he’s in for a rude awakening!

Take care of you, be good to you. I wish there as a fast forward button for you to get through this early part and see that it’s going to be ok.

[macmars45]

(hugs) to you starburst604 and trytobearunner34 as you navigate thoughts, feelings and next steps.

[starburst604]

Jan 27, 2024 10:53:51 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Oh my god, things he could have mentioned BEFORE buying a new house. I'm so sorry.

Seriously. Why did he let us do this?? We will be so financially fucked. I could have afforded our old house on my own. There is nothing I could afford solo around here now.

[loira]

I'm so sorry.

[penguingrrl]

I’m so sorry. What a jerk.

[wanderingback]

Ugh so sorry he was an asshole and said those things to you. That’s really fucked up and shows his character. No one should stay in a situation they’re not happy in but you be mature about it, not an asshole, and talk about it like an adult.

I hope you find some support in your cousin and that you are able to get through things day by day. We’re here for support and you deserve so much more.