Don't tell them you are canceling brunch! Its not their fault! Op can change the reservation to whoever it is that can come or cancel, but its not on SIL if they cancel.
Yes, my plan was to just change the reservations to the amount we are planning on. I can wait till tomorrow for sure, but I’m sure the restaurant orders and sets up for the reservation they have, and I just want to be considerate to the restaurant.
Im sure the restaurant has dealt with last minute changes and cancelations before
Don't let your desire to know RIGHT THIS MINUTE if your BIL and SIL can come out a damper on the brunch. Enjoy it with whoever may be there!
Give it until 4 and then if no one has responded I would send them all a text that says ‘blah blah Easter Brunch blah blah……..if I don’t hear back by (this time) I am going to cancel the brunch. Hopefully we get to see each other but understand if doesn’t work out’.
Why the arbitrary deadline of 4pm? SIL said she'd get back to OP today; the day doesn't end at 4!
I thought she said she gave her until 4. I didn’t just make that up. ETA: I misread, she GAVE the invitation at 4. My bad.
Also, I thought you were mentioned canceling plans. My reading comprehension is failing me today.
First, thank you all for your perspectives! I appreciate it, and may need to take a chill pill!
I think my reaction and all the responses are partly shaped by past history and behavior - I’m sure stuff like this works differently in all families. As far as it being a back up invitation, the brothers are pretty close, and we thought they might enjoy it. Their married DD lives out of town, and all the parents are passed away. We haven’t paid, and aren’t trying to just fill the seats. I let her know right away no worries if they couldn’t or didn’t want to come.
Of course my position is that it is rude. Based on history. I see from reading the responses a LOT of people are more laid back than me! I’m not going to throw a dramatic fit or anything. (They have a brand new car - I’m not going to key it or something.). I just wanted to vent, and thought this would be a good place to do it.
Thanks all!
Now to prove my chillness, I have to go out where I have 7 grand kids over and we are coloring eggs. Grandpa and one DD are out there, but I’m missing a few adults I had planned on. They had let me know! LOL
I’m confused, what exactly is rude??? Why is it rude not to respond right that second to an invite about plans several days away??? I am definitely not an etiquette expert, but when someone extends an invitation for something it is 100% ok to take 24-48 hours (or maybe even longer depending on the invite) to determine if you are able/want to go.
I think it's rude because how do you not know what you're doing on Easter (where brunch reservations have already have to have been made) and not be able to respond?
Maybe other days people need more time, but usually Easter plans are already made.
Giving the restaurant plenty of heads up means they can adjust for another reservation maybe.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Mar 28, 2024 12:27:37 GMT -5
I can't imagine a restaurant having 72 vs 48 hour notice on reservation change dropping the number of one party by 3 is going to make or break them or even register as the tiniest of blips on their radar.
I think you're far more concerned with the restaurant than your actual family, which sucks.
24 hours to respond isn't crazy on a weekday. Or maybe my life is just too hectic and my decision fatigue just too strong these days.
I don't think either party is being rude, however both could communicate better. Original invitation should include when you need to hear back by. Without including a deadline, it doesn't sound like there is urgency. Response should include why you need more time to decide. Without including a reason for why you can't respond, it sounds like you're waiting on a better offer, or that you just forgot to respond again.
I think a days notice is OK for the restuarant. So if you are able to tell them by Friday night or Saturday morning I am sure that is better than some that will just show up missing 3 people from their party. I would also give someone more than 24 hours to respond. If you don't hear back by Friday afternoon then I would send a text saying, hey I wanted to let the restaurant know, did you all make a decision yet on whether you will be attending?
I think it's rude because how do you not know what you're doing on Easter (where brunch reservations have already have to have been made) and not be able to respond?
Maybe other days people need more time, but usually Easter plans are already made.
Giving the restaurant plenty of heads up means they can adjust for another reservation maybe.
Well, I for one forgot it was Easter this Sunday until I read this post. But I can say for certain that DS and DD probably have some tentative weekend plans in their heads and I'd want to talk with them before committing to anything.
But our past Easter plans with family (who are out of town this weekend) usually involve having an early dinner at someone's house so if we could squeeze a last minute brunch in we'd likely try but may need to juggle things.
I can't imagine a restaurant having 72 vs 48 hour notice on reservation change dropping the number of one party by 3 is going to make or break them or even register as the tiniest of blips on their radar.
I think you're far more concerned with the restaurant than your actual family, which sucks.
24 hours to respond isn't crazy on a weekday. Or maybe my life is just too hectic and my decision fatigue just too strong these days.
It's not the restaurant, it's making the day of someone else making a last minute reservation.
I can't imagine a restaurant having 72 vs 48 hour notice on reservation change dropping the number of one party by 3 is going to make or break them or even register as the tiniest of blips on their radar.
I think you're far more concerned with the restaurant than your actual family, which sucks.
24 hours to respond isn't crazy on a weekday. Or maybe my life is just too hectic and my decision fatigue just too strong these days.
It's not the restaurant, it's making the day of someone else making a last minute reservation.
The OP specifically mentions the restaurant and ordering of food.
Someone will get last minute excitement whether they cancel today or Saturday night.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Mar 28, 2024 12:47:40 GMT -5
I think there are people on this board who receive an invitation and RSVP immediately and then others who maybe don’t open their mail today, that’s fine, and oh, it has been 2 weeks, where did that envelope get to, oh I’ll look for it later, what’s this under this stack of papers… oh my! Party is tomorrow, can we still come?
And I’m not saying which one I am, but if I were a string instrument, I would always be sharp.
I think there are people on this board who receive an invitation and RSVP immediately and then others who maybe don’t open their mail today, that’s fine, and oh, it has been 2 weeks, where did that envelope get to, oh I’ll look for it later, what’s this under this stack of papers… oh my! Party is tomorrow, can we still come?
And I’m not saying which one I am, but if I were a string instrument, I would always be sharp.
And then they realize they over committed or just don't feel like coming so they don't show up... and the host is left with a giant empty table and/or a ton of food. I've stopped trying to host things because people say they can come and then never show up.
I think it's rude because how do you not know what you're doing on Easter (where brunch reservations have already have to have been made) and not be able to respond?
Maybe other days people need more time, but usually Easter plans are already made.
Giving the restaurant plenty of heads up means they can adjust for another reservation maybe.
Well, I for one forgot it was Easter this Sunday until I read this post. But I can say for certain that DS and DD probably have some tentative weekend plans in their heads and I'd want to talk with them before committing to anything.
But our past Easter plans with family (who are out of town this weekend) usually involve having an early dinner at someone's house so if we could squeeze a last minute brunch in we'd likely try but may need to juggle things.
I'm 100% team let the restaurant know if you know so they can re-seat, however like others said 3 or so people isn't going to open a lot of space.
To the how do you not know what you're doing on Easter 4 days away? Well as mentioned Easter is early this year and off of a lot of people's radars (see a whole thread about Easter complaints). Also thinking about the new guests and what they're thinking? Do they feel pressure to go to this brunch last minute? Probably. Does this feel like a last min B list or "oops we forgot to invite you so here's your chance", probably. Does the other family think they need to go now that they've been invited or OP will be mad at them (they shouldn't), maybe. Do they not want to go because...it doesn't matter why...but they don't want to be rude so they need to discuss the most polite answer to not offend OP? Any of these options are viable and understandable. I'm just team the invited guests here that they can take 24 - 48 hours to respond. Would it be more polite to text back "haven't forgotten about you, when do you need to know?" or "sorry we're still not sure, if you need to know by a certain time just feel free to fill our seats, hope to see you soon!" absolutely, but that's really not on their radar.
I'm also coming from the prospective of someone who is often invited to DH's family stuff last min and question if I'm a B list invite, or did they really forget to tell me because they discussed it in person at some other event I couldn't attend? Maybe I over think it, but last min invites do have a different feel when things like holidays are well known. Should this request have come through say a month ago I think the other party might have been more inclined to debate going.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say you only wanted to to fill seats. I thought it was something paid for, like concert tickets. For that I'd do almost anything to not let them go to waste so I would want to pass them on to someone else if they also couldn't make it.
Perhaps I am an asshole but a lost minute invite would take me more than 24 hours to figure out. Especially a holiday. It isn’t that I am looking for something better, it is more figuring out if we want to change plans. Add it two other people who have opinions. That wouldn’t be a quick reply back. Plus today is a workday.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Mar 28, 2024 13:05:03 GMT -5
I feel like I’m overly sensitive to rudeness and this doesn’t bother me. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since the initial invitation (which she may not have even gotten…for some reason voicemails elude me) never mind the text she responded to. If she doesn’t respond today I’d text her in the morning and say hey I need to let the restaurant know by noon so let me know.
Post by picksthemusic on Mar 28, 2024 13:10:03 GMT -5
Unless the restaurant gave you specific instructions to alert them of reservation changes within 24 hours of your reservation (I had this experience recently for my mom's birthday brunch - they even took my credit card info to charge me $25 per person that didn't show without notice), then I'd let this slide for a bit longer. Especially since you didn't give them a deadline for notifying you if they were going to come or not.
That being said, we don't know the history here and why you find their lack of an immediate response rude. That's probably a you thing, honestly, and as we all know, history goes both ways. Hopefully things work out for you and your family and you have a lovely Easter.
Perhaps I am an asshole but a lost minute invite would take me more than 24 hours to figure out. Especially a holiday. It isn’t that I am looking for something better, it is more figuring out if we want to change plans. Add it two other people who have opinions. That wouldn’t be a quick reply back. Plus today is a workday.
I don't understand how the convos don't take longer than 10 min. It's brunch plans. "Do you want to go? No? Ok let me text." It's not a vacation.
You called at 4. Then expected/demanded a response 5 hours later at a time when people are winding down for bed.
Then are tapping your foot with anxiety less than 24 hours later and you are thinking THEY are rude? Also you are posting about it here. It's under your skin.
Idk. Maybe evaluate the importance of this, and ask about your thoughts, emotions and behaviors and why you need an answer so quickly.
I've known people who do this, and it's super off putting, they read as really controlling.
Every time there is one of these, I think about how much stress and judgement women put on themselves, and each other. Everything from rude for not making an immediate decision to rube for being b listed, and the reality is there is probably no malice, just life. And now I’m paranoid that someone thinks I’m rude for not immediately making decisions when there is a lot that goes into that.
Also, file us in the group of not having plans for Sunday yet. In fact, I just texted my H to contemplate the chances a restaurant that was expecting to open in 2 weeks, as of 10 days ago, would do a soft open on Easter weekend. Chances are slim, but I’m not above walking by and hoping.
Perhaps I am an asshole but a lost minute invite would take me more than 24 hours to figure out. Especially a holiday. It isn’t that I am looking for something better, it is more figuring out if we want to change plans. Add it two other people who have opinions. That wouldn’t be a quick reply back. Plus today is a workday.
I don't understand how the convos don't take longer than 10 min. It's brunch plans. "Do you want to go? No? Ok let me text." It's not a vacation.
It may only take 10 minutes, but on certain days finding that 10 minutes of calm is hard.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Mar 28, 2024 13:26:24 GMT -5
Now I’m wondering if I’m being rude to restaurants. For any normal Sunday brunch I’d probably just show up with a party of 3 less than expected and expect the restaurant to know that’s how it goes sometimes; since it’s a holiday brunch I’d prob call the restaurant and let them know the day before so they can set a table for a separate party but I wouldn’t sweat it if I couldn’t.
It's a family informal brunch. Some of y'all are acting like it's a family reunion involving complicated travel. The decision tree is: Do we already have plans? Y/N; Do we want to go? Y/N
The End
ETA: and if you're the planner you already know what the plans are for everyone else and can fire back a quick response.
I don't understand how the convos don't take longer than 10 min. It's brunch plans. "Do you want to go? No? Ok let me text." It's not a vacation.
It may only take 10 minutes, but on certain days finding that 10 minutes of calm is hard.
Plus once you've responded you're either 1. out of options because you said no and later your spouse is like "I wanted to go! Why did you say no?" or 2. An a$$hole if you say yes within 10 minute of the invitation only to later find out you do have something and can't go. Some people need a second to review the invitation even if they actually want to go regardless of timing. Plus later OP complains SIL said yes but cancelled and now OP has to re-fill the seats for the 3rd time, why didn't they just say they couldn't go, when this all could have been avoided by waiting a second.
Do we even know if the other guest who hasn't responded has even read the text? My brother has a system to move certain texts about our dad to a folder that doesn't give him an alert so that he can read it after work. He does this for a reason. The guest to be might have something similar, or again just not be able to look at texts at work. If I got a text during work or right when I got home etc. (4 PM is still working hours for most of us) I'd just go "meh I'll deal with this later"...and then again forget.
Depending on my work day and what is going on with kids, there are definitely days when I would not have the mental energy to think about this until later.
I don't think they are being rude by not responding right away.
This is what I was going to say. I feel like MIL constantly wants an answer from us on stuff really quickly, but my workload and life is oftentimes too much for me to be able to focus on things like holidays a week out. She was texting last week about Easter and I was like “oh shit, Easter” and then didn’t do anything about it until Saturday.
If you want a response, I’d just follow up and say “I want to make sure we adjust the reservation accordingly. Can you let me know by tonight?”
Post by litskispeciality on Mar 28, 2024 13:51:48 GMT -5
This isn't aimed at OP specifically, just looking at it from another angle.
I guess I'd also like to see this the other way. A different thread on here "Yesterday SIL invited us to Easter...in 4.5 days. Text came in when I was <doing whatever had her attention>, and SIL didn't give me a timeframe to respond. Today, less than 24 hours later I get a text saying that SIL needs a response by x time. I haven't had time to <insert whatever they need to do to make the decision> or <I forgot all about this because I got busy with life>. I've responded <Y/N>, am I the a-hole for taking "too long" to respond that you had to prompt me?
It may only take 10 minutes, but on certain days finding that 10 minutes of calm is hard.
No, it's really not.
I wonder how this falls along the lines of the people who always are the planners of the group, and those that just show up.
If you're factoring teens or adult children (don't know the age of their nephew) into the decision then yes, it really can be. On weekdays the 4 of us are generally only under the same roof between the hours of 10:30pm to 8:30am. So family communication couldn't happen between a phone call at 4pm and a text at 9:30pm. And I am SO the planner.