This isn't aimed at OP specifically, just looking at it from another angle.
I guess I'd also like to see this the other way. A different thread on here "Yesterday SIL invited us to Easter...in 4.5 days. Text came in when I was <doing whatever had her attention>, and SIL didn't give me a timeframe to respond. Today, less than 24 hours later I get a text saying that SIL needs a response by x time. I haven't had time to <insert whatever they need to do to make the decision> or <I forgot all about this because I got busy with life>. I've responded <Y/N>, am I the a-hole for taking "too long" to respond that you had to prompt me?
Right, but forgetting about it is rude. Forgetting about texts is rude.
I forget about texts all the time and acknowledge that it's rude as fuck.
Maybe she is sick and tired of bearing the mental load from her husbands family and she told him to handle it. I don’t understand why the two men who are blood related are not handling this.
I think it's rude because how do you not know what you're doing on Easter (where brunch reservations have already have to have been made) and not be able to respond?
Maybe other days people need more time, but usually Easter plans are already made.
Giving the restaurant plenty of heads up means they can adjust for another reservation maybe.
I honestly didn’t even realize it was Easter until yesterday. This weekend is a usual weekend for me with a few things planned like meeting with a friend, working out, etc. So if someone asked me if I could do something this Sunday I would talk to my partner, think about what I already had planned, etc and then decide. This would likely take 24-48 hours.
I actually just texted with a girl’s group and none of them have major plans for this weekend, so yeah not everyone has major Easter plans. Even as a kid growing up we celebrated Easter but it was usually just church. Not like a big dinner like Christmas or thanksgiving.
Post by wanderingback on Mar 28, 2024 14:37:09 GMT -5
This thread has gotten weird lol.
I am one to always follow through on plans if I say yes to something. So what that means is I usually think through if i can or want to go to something before saying yes. That usually means me checking my calendar, thinking to myself if I want to go, then talking to my partner (if it’s relevant if it involves needing childcare or something) and then deciding. That can sometimes take a day or 2.
This exact thing happened over the weekend with my cousin coordinating a family dinner tomorrow. He asked me on Saturday if I could come and on Monday I gave him an answer That myself, my partner and daughter would be there. It took that long to figure everything out. I don’t think that is that abnormal.
I am one to always follow through on plans if I say yes to something. So what that means is I usually think through if i can or want to go to something before saying yes. That usually means me checking my calendar, thinking to myself if I want to go, then talking to my partner (if it’s relevant if it involves needing childcare or something) and then deciding. That can sometimes take a day or 2.
This exact thing happened over the weekend with my cousin coordinating a family dinner tomorrow. He asked me on Saturday if I could come and on Monday I gave him an answer That myself, my partner and daughter would be there. It took that long to figure everything out. I don’t think that is that abnormal.
No it only takes 10 minutes wandering! We are doing it wrong.
I am one to always follow through on plans if I say yes to something. So what that means is I usually think through if i can or want to go to something before saying yes. That usually means me checking my calendar, thinking to myself if I want to go, then talking to my partner (if it’s relevant if it involves needing childcare or something) and then deciding. That can sometimes take a day or 2.
This exact thing happened over the weekend with my cousin coordinating a family dinner tomorrow. He asked me on Saturday if I could come and on Monday I gave him an answer That myself, my partner and daughter would be there. It took that long to figure everything out. I don’t think that is that abnormal.
No it only takes 10 minutes wandering! We are doing it wrong.
Yes, you are. Lol!
I think we've just gotten really good at justifying to ourselves why we're making things overly complicated.
Post by fortnightlily on Mar 28, 2024 14:51:02 GMT -5
I am a planner but also a low-energy introvert and need to mentally prepare myself for outings because they are draining. Even without the coordinating with spouse and child, I definitely need time to decide if I'm up for something. Not an inordinate amount, but at least 24 hours. I promise you, if I'm waffling it's not because I'm waiting for something better to come along, it's because I'm fighting the impulse to stay home. Pressure to decide something too quickly will almost always result in a no.
No it only takes 10 minutes wandering! We are doing it wrong.
Yes, you are. Lol!
I think we've just gotten really good at justifying to ourselves why we're making things overly complicated.
Haha. I’m a very laid back person. I def live my life to make things the least complicated as possible. Also, it’s not like when I get invited to something I stop all that I’m doing right that second to think through everything.
Man, I consider myself pretty uptight and this timeline wouldn’t bother me in this situation where it’s not like you’ve already paid, it’s been < 24 hrs since the invitation was extended (via voicemail not even text which is easier for me to deal with), AND there are still > than 2 full days before the event.
I am one to always follow through on plans if I say yes to something. So what that means is I usually think through if i can or want to go to something before saying yes. That usually means me checking my calendar, thinking to myself if I want to go, then talking to my partner (if it’s relevant if it involves needing childcare or something) and then deciding. That can sometimes take a day or 2.
This exact thing happened over the weekend with my cousin coordinating a family dinner tomorrow. He asked me on Saturday if I could come and on Monday I gave him an answer That myself, my partner and daughter would be there. It took that long to figure everything out. I don’t think that is that abnormal.
No it only takes 10 minutes wandering! We are doing it wrong.
Yeah, we are just two adults, no kids, but for bigger family with many moving parts, I can absolutely see how it could take a day or so! Also not everyone is able to talk/text while at work! I guess not everyone gets all of this.
Last Edit: Mar 28, 2024 15:06:37 GMT -5 by mofongo
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
For me, the key to all of this is that the SIL SAID SHE WOULD RESPOND TODAY. She didn't flake, she didn't ignore, she wasn't rude - she immediately responded to OP's text and gave her a deadline. It truly doesn't matter WHY she needs all day today to decide, does it? She let you know that she'll let you know!! Today! One whole day after getting the invite.
Every time there is one of these, I think about how much stress and judgement women put on themselves, and each other. Everything from rude for not making an immediate decision to rube for being b listed, and the reality is there is probably no malice, just life. And now I’m paranoid that someone thinks I’m rude for not immediately making decisions when there is a lot that goes into that.
Also, file us in the group of not having plans for Sunday yet. In fact, I just texted my H to contemplate the chances a restaurant that was expecting to open in 2 weeks, as of 10 days ago, would do a soft open on Easter weekend. Chances are slim, but I’m not above walking by and hoping.
I agree with this, too. One thing I have worked on over the years that has helped with my own happiness and self confidence is not taking things personally. If someone isn't responding to me it's usually not because they don't like me or don't want to ever see me - it probably has very little to do with me and more with whatever else they are doing or have going on. People are busy and also have any variety of mental processes that may delay responding or decision making.
I also agree with whoever said that sometimes you need to think about whether you even want to do something. Maybe it sounds nice but you know the day is going to be busy and want to consider if you want to take that on. I've definitely made the mistake of saying yes to things too quickly that are just going to stress me out - regardless of how much I like or enjoy spending time with the person. It's never intended to be rude!
And I doubt she’s waiting for a better invite this late! And as other’s have said, she was a last minute invite b/c someone else couldn’t make it!! Maybe she should be annoyed! Lol
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
This isn't aimed at OP specifically, just looking at it from another angle.
I guess I'd also like to see this the other way. A different thread on here "Yesterday SIL invited us to Easter...in 4.5 days. Text came in when I was <doing whatever had her attention>, and SIL didn't give me a timeframe to respond. Today, less than 24 hours later I get a text saying that SIL needs a response by x time. I haven't had time to <insert whatever they need to do to make the decision> or <I forgot all about this because I got busy with life>. I've responded <Y/N>, am I the a-hole for taking "too long" to respond that you had to prompt me?
Right, but forgetting about it is rude. Forgetting about texts is rude.
I forget about texts all the time and acknowledge that it's rude as fuck.
Yes it's rude to not respond to a text, and it's polite and adult to own up to that, but as far as I can see there was no missed deadline. Even if OP had said "let me know by X", a simple "hey sorry to bug you, but I have to get back to the venue are you able to come? If not it's seriously ok have a great Easter" follow up text and hour or two after deadline isn't that much of an ask. I have sooo many things on my mental load I'm not going to go back through texts and see if I didn't respond to something, especially something I've read so I don't have a notification. If you need an answer you hit me up again and if I think the follow up is rude I need to re-visit why the request is being asked.
I agree with the post above why the husbands can't handle this if it's their family, but OP has addressed that. On the other hand the husband should take more than 10 minutes to respond to check with their spouse (aka the planner in most cases) to make sure there isn't something going on so the family isn't committed when they can't go. I don't love it, but my husband will often say "let me check with the boss", even though I only confirm if we have other plans, not if he "can" go.
Add me to the "do I have the mental and physical energy" for said plans before I say yes category too, and that takes some contemplating based on everything else I have going on. It might not seem like a lot, but I really need Sunday totally off because I go back to work early on Monday and have a super full 6 day week. Again it's super hard to take it one day at a time, while also being rude for not making a future event a priority, especially when putting future things off is better for my real-time mental health.
Here's my general rule of party planning that has stood me well in my professional and personal party planning. If someone hasn't responded to me within 12ish hours of the invite, they're not coming. Even if they respond later that they are, they won't show up because something else happens blah blah blah.
People have gotten SUBSTANTIALLY worse about responding to invites within the last 10ish years or so to just about everything. It's probably my annoyance about this that is bleeding into my responses. People, in general, suck about making any sorts of decisions around time commitments anymore.
Easter Brunch is low stakes and really shouldn't be this hard.
One thing I would have done for OP is say "Hey really busy right now. haven't been able to connect with spouse yet. Tonight should be better." If I know I can't give an instant answer I at least give a reasonable timeline.
One thing I would have done for OP is say "Hey really busy right now. haven't been able to connect with spouse yet. Tonight should be better." If I know I can't give an instant answer I at least give a reasonable timeline.
She did! From the OP "she responded she would let me know today"
Here's my general rule of party planning that has stood me well in my professional and personal party planning. If someone hasn't responded to me within 12ish hours of the invite, they're not coming. Even if they respond later that they are, they won't show up because something else happens blah blah blah.
People have gotten SUBSTANTIALLY worse about responding to invites within the last 10ish years or so to just about everything. It's probably my annoyance about this that is bleeding into my responses. People, in general, suck about making any sorts of decisions around time commitments anymore.
Easter Brunch is low stakes and really shouldn't be this hard.
Ahh ok that makes sense. There def seems to be a grudge you’re holding against people here.
Like I said above, when I say yes I mean it. Off the top of my head I can’t think of a time I canceled on someone for anything that was a set plan like dinner reservations. So even though I often say yes 1-3 days later, I absolutely show up. Same is true for my friends. I can’t think of the last time someone canceled on me after we had specific plans.
that you are treating as an emergency/priority situation needing an immediate response (even though the main cause of delay here isn't them - it's your last minute, back up invite)
solely to make a stranger more comfortable than the people you supposedly care about enough to invite.
If you are looking at behavior patterns, consider both sides.
Here's my general rule of party planning that has stood me well in my professional and personal party planning. If someone hasn't responded to me within 12ish hours of the invite, they're not coming. Even if they respond later that they are, they won't show up because something else happens blah blah blah.
People have gotten SUBSTANTIALLY worse about responding to invites within the last 10ish years or so to just about everything. It's probably my annoyance about this that is bleeding into my responses. People, in general, suck about making any sorts of decisions around time commitments anymore.
Easter Brunch is low stakes and really shouldn't be this hard.
One thing I would have done for OP is say "Hey really busy right now. haven't been able to connect with spouse yet. Tonight should be better." If I know I can't give an instant answer I at least give a reasonable timeline.
She did! From the OP "she responded she would let me know today"
Here's my general rule of party planning that has stood me well in my professional and personal party planning. If someone hasn't responded to me within 12ish hours of the invite, they're not coming. Even if they respond later that they are, they won't show up because something else happens blah blah blah.
Interesting.
I have found the opposite for my invitations. The fastest responses are often knee jerk "sounds fun." People haven't really checked their calendars or think of it as a firm commitment. Most my cancellations come from that group ("I hadn't realized that DS has a tournament that weekend" etc.).
It's all about knowing your audience and it sounds like you know yours
Post by Patsy Baloney on Mar 28, 2024 16:02:33 GMT -5
As someone who is probably too type A for this world, I def see where Pixy is coming from. I deal with this a lot in my volunteer gigs, kid school stuff, etc. There seems to have been a pretty big cultural shift around activity commitment. I’m not sure if it’s cultural (too busy, too cozy at home), generational (did millennials kill the RSVP?) or a pandemic shift, but it can be really frustrating.
Like right now, I’m waiting on RSVPs for an awards ceremony. Who doesn’t want to come see their kid get an award? But you would think I was asking them to come get dental work done. It has been several weeks, still prompting non-responders. Still waiting. Even if they say yes, they’ll probably not show.
Anyway, from this thread, I’ve learned that I don’t really pause to think about whether I want to do something or have the bandwidth for it. Yes or no, let’s roll! If anyone needs my snap decision-making, I’m here for you!
Here's my general rule of party planning that has stood me well in my professional and personal party planning. If someone hasn't responded to me within 12ish hours of the invite, they're not coming. Even if they respond later that they are, they won't show up because something else happens blah blah blah.
People have gotten SUBSTANTIALLY worse about responding to invites within the last 10ish years or so to just about everything. It's probably my annoyance about this that is bleeding into my responses. People, in general, suck about making any sorts of decisions around time commitments anymore.
Easter Brunch is low stakes and really shouldn't be this hard.
You seem fun.
I'm a blast! I just refuse to let people slide in this anymore. It's fucking disheartening to pour time and energy and money into things and no one shows.
I would give them until tonight but I don’t see it as some big deal that they weren’t initially invited.
You made plans with people coming from hours away, they are sick and can’t come. Easter reservations can be hard to get to so you asked if someone local is interested in joining you since you have the reservation.
If I was the local BIL/SIL I would not be upset that their first plan was to see their own out of town children/grandchildren at Easter. If I didn’t want to go or was busy, I’d say no but I would not occur to me to feel slighted by the invite. Not every event is for everyone and things changed.
It is nice to update the restaurant so someone else can take that reservation. But the restaurant is probably open late and they may even have a waitlist so I don’t think it’s at an emergency stage yet.
Next time I’d say I need to know by XX time and leave it at that.
Maybe she is sick and tired of bearing the mental load from her husbands family and she told him to handle it. I don’t understand why the two men who are blood related are not handling this.