I'm a blast! I just refuse to let people slide in this anymore. It's fucking disheartening to pour time and energy and money into things and no one shows.
This is pure projection. There is no indication from the OP that her SIL is doing this. Or that OP has even poured time, energy and money into things.
I'm a blast! I just refuse to let people slide in this anymore. It's fucking disheartening to pour time and energy and money into things and no one shows.
This is pure projection. There is no indication from the OP that her SIL is doing this. Or that OP has even poured time, energy and money into things.
I'm a blast! I just refuse to let people slide in this anymore. It's fucking disheartening to pour time and energy and money into things and no one shows.
Ok, but that is not what's happening in this scenario!!
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I'm a blast! I just refuse to let people slide in this anymore. It's fucking disheartening to pour time and energy and money into things and no one shows.
Ok, but that is not what's happening in this scenario!!
Post by wanderingback on Mar 28, 2024 17:54:59 GMT -5
Waiting weeks for a response is much different than 1-2 days. If OP had said I invited her 3 weeks ago and she’s still dragging her feet, that’s very clearly a different scenario than a text less than 24 hours ago at 9pm at night when most people are getting ready for bed.
This thread took a weird turn. For me anyway my h and I have jobs that can be quite busy some days, and we may not be able to discuss an invitation quickly. Even that evening a kid might have sports, an event, we may be working late or one of us has a previously agreed to engagement so we can’t discuss things properly that day. Stuff happens. Also my husband is pretty bad at remembering stuff he may have already committed to so I want to be sure we have a chance to look at the calendars. I would rather wait and be sure before responding than say yes only to have to cancel later, I think that’s ruder. And saying no because I’m not sure yet also seems silly, what if it will work and we could hang out why say no quickly just to give an answer when there isn’t a pressing deadline.
The ability to immediately connect with people via technology has seriously shifted how quickly we expect people to respond to us.
Kim, there's people that are dying.
Exactly! It’s not that I’m contemplating the decision for all 48 hours but when I first get the invite most of the time I don’t actively think about it. I have a system where I review emails and texts at the end of the day that don’t need an immediate response. So I might reply within an hour "thanks for the invite, let me get back to you!" then I don’t think about it again until the next day cause you know, trying to live and survive. Then the next day I actively might look at my calendar, talk to my partner, look at my week ahead, etc, then decide. I don’t think it’s that abnormal or rude!
I wonder how this falls along the lines of the people who always are the planners of the group, and those that just show up.
Ok. For me it is, kudos to you that it's not.
And lol, I'm the planner.
I’m also the planner in all aspects of my life and I have to constantly remind myself that not everyone plans months ahead. I have learned to give people space to be more easy breezy than I am. I think touching base tonight would be fine because they’ll have had 24 hours to respond and you do need to find someone else or update the restaurant, but I do not think it’s rude for them to not have replied yet, especially since she told you she’d tell you today.
Post by emilyinchile on Mar 28, 2024 18:41:29 GMT -5
I feel so validated that the SIL didn't even see her husband to mention this last night. I've definitely had the same thing happen - and sorry, confirming social plans is not usually so urgent I need to interrupt an outing of his to get an answer instantly. I realize there's backstory with these specific people, but someone not connecting with their partner right that second when people have busy lives and then not getting back to you first thing in the morning IS FINE. If you need a response by X time, say so. If you accepted that someone would reply "today" then sit tight until bedtime - theirs that is, which might be later than yours.
Yes, people are horrendous about not replying ever, and it is maddening, and I am 100% a planner, and also in this situation the timing of SIL's non-reply is not raising my eyebrows even slightly.
Post by pizzaandtulips on Mar 28, 2024 19:51:19 GMT -5
This is 100% about the family relationship and past behaviors and not at all about being courteous to a restaurant and there is no way you can convince me otherwise.
And that's ok. But let's not pretend that this about making sure the restaurant has time to make 3 fewer bread rolls.
I am a planner but also a low-energy introvert and need to mentally prepare myself for outings because they are draining. Even without the coordinating with spouse and child, I definitely need time to decide if I'm up for something. Not an inordinate amount, but at least 24 hours. I promise you, if I'm waffling it's not because I'm waiting for something better to come along, it's because I'm fighting the impulse to stay home. Pressure to decide something too quickly will almost always result in a no.
This is 100% about the family relationship and past behaviors and not at all about being courteous to a restaurant and there is no way you can convince me otherwise.
And that's ok. But let's not pretend that this about making sure the restaurant has time to make 3 fewer bread rolls.
I’m not gonna deny that past behaviors play a part here. But my oldest DD, who did say to wait a day, used to work at a club that did events such as this one. She did say that set up and staffing along with food orders are planned according to reservations. If everybody showed up with three less people or cancelled at the last minute, it could affect things. Maybe I’m just taking her past work remarks too much to heart.
That's all done by now! Anyway, you can always make a party smaller, but not always larger, so it's fine either way.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
I'm a blast! I just refuse to let people slide in this anymore. It's fucking disheartening to pour time and energy and money into things and no one shows.
You’re acting like this was a large event that took months of planning instead of a last minute invite to brunch. The 3 were the 2nd tier guests.
We don’t have plans on Easter. If my husbands family reached out for plans he sure as hell would not commit to any of them without checking with me. How is less than 24 hours to respond not okay?
You guys. The conversation moved from OPs specific scenario to a wider look and that is what (in my opinion) pixy0stix is speaking to.
In this specific scenario - yes, OP should take a breath but in general people are relatively shitty about responding or RSVPing and it's maddening.
Yeah, but she came out of the gate kind of aggressive about it. I get what she is saying but it turned into serious projection on her part based on her experiences. If I kept planning things and no one was RSVPing or RSVPing and then not showing up, I would probably need to reevaluate my friendships.
Is it time in the discussion to move on to frustrating examples in real life yet? Because my in-laws are incapable of committing to any dinner plans. There is a lot of “Start without me! Don't wait on me.” Which is fine except when everyone says that and/or waits on everyone else, so I never know how many people are coming to dinner - at a restaurant or my house.
My parents were in town for my DD’s 4th birthday. I invited in-laws for dinner & cake after the party place (we had a friends party). 5 people said maybe and 1 declined. All 6 came. The one who declined was a surprise and the other 5 called when they were on the way.
You guys. The conversation moved from OPs specific scenario to a wider look and that is what (in my opinion) pixy0stix is speaking to.
In this specific scenario - yes, OP should take a breath but in general people are relatively shitty about responding or RSVPing and it's maddening.
Yeah, but she came out of the gate kind of aggressive about it. I get what she is saying but it turned into serious projection on her part based on her experiences. If I kept planning things and no one was RSVPing or RSVPing and then not showing up, I would probably need to reevaluate my friendships.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
You guys. The conversation moved from OPs specific scenario to a wider look and that is what (in my opinion) pixy0stix is speaking to.
In this specific scenario - yes, OP should take a breath but in general people are relatively shitty about responding or RSVPing and it's maddening.
It seemed to me that people came in with a lot of projection, and making this a bigger deal than it was, though. But alas, it's ML!
I’m honestly surprised at the tameness of the reasons why it takes so long to say yes or no. This man should have been hospitalized, wife deployed, and son in jail by now.
My Easter situation: XH has the kids and we usually do something with my extended family. I sent him a text on Monday reminding him he had them (for basket planning purposes) and said I hadn’t heard anything as far as any get togethers.
I got a text Wednesday from extended family inviting us to lunch. I’m on vacation with the kids and XH never responded to me, so I have no clue what his plans are, if any.
I told my cousin that if he doesn’t have plans for them, I may bring the kids, but I may come solo. But I’m also thinking a day alone w/o work sounds amazing as I haven’t had one of those in months (DD stays with me on weekends now). But I also like this family and want to see them, it’s just an hour drive at 1pm, which is an annoying time for me.
So I’m the rude, indecisive one in the family for sure. I know it, and I don’t like to be that way, but due to my anxiety, depression, and current life circumstances, I also feel differently every single day when I wake up. And as much as that sucks for the host, it really fucking sucks living this way daily.
Post by litskispeciality on Mar 29, 2024 8:29:58 GMT -5
Since we've kind of moved on to the general topic of people not RSVPing can we just agree that when there is an RSVP by date that the invited guest has UNTIL that date to respond? I just had this happen with a friend (not the one I post about, another friend) who was throwing a surprise birthday party. I got the invitation over a month in advance, and the RSVP deadline was 1 - 2 weeks ahead of the event. I didn't want to share with my friend my current situation for many reasons, including it changes so much there was a chance I could go to the event (over 2 hrs away) a month away, but I wouldn't know until pretty much the RSVP deadline. Eventually I gave friend a light version of my situation saying I probably won't go, but I want to, so either take me off the list or let me get back to you on RSVP date.
Fast forward and I keep getting bugged until I finally say no I can't go. Friend gave me insight that they had few RSVP's (as mentioned here), but again there was a future deadline so people might respond then. If you need to know sooner then move up the RSVP deadline. Call/text whatever the no-responses or risk having people show up day of. It sucks, but it's how it is. After all that too there was ice the night before the party and even fewer folks showed up.
Post by litskispeciality on Mar 29, 2024 8:34:43 GMT -5
Also planning just sucks. I don't know about y'all but sitting in a group message in any platform trying to make plans that aren't on a specific day is a layer of hell. My DH is trying to do this with his siblings and the closest they've come in one of the BIL's saying "here are the dates I can't do, so let's try these other ones". Then the sister responds with a date in that timeframe, although it has to be at her house which is far away, and it doesn't work for at least one other person. I was glad when another brother just said "I'm going to offer this solution that doesn't require a gathering".
So after all that if you need to know who's coming give the other person a firm deadline, and maybe a why (have to tell the restaurant.) Then sit on that invitation until the deadline has passed. I think this whole thread could have gone a different way with a little patience on the RSVP.
Wider context- I think most of us can agree that RSVPs suck. Especially for buying real food, venues that require headcount and let’s add in getting parents to sign waivers electronically for kid parties.
I’ve moved to parties at home or venues that don’t require a headcount and ordering pizza the day of. I’m very much trying to move to the zone if whoever shows up shows up. I still ask they respond but I’ve also gotten rid of deadlines because they will show up or cancel last minute day of, so I’ve given up on that. I figure deadlines are really only for venues that need a headcount anyway.
We had 11 maybes when we did a family/ friends BBQ. That is way too much of a swing for buying actual food. We’ve had better luck with kid parties with people either choosing yes or no. Maybe is not an answer, and I’m not doing another BBQ - it also always rains.