Would you be a single mom by choice?

[dexteroni]

My knee-jerk reaction to this question is always "no f'ing way." But honestly, if I were certain that I wanted kids, and I could support them and give them a good life, then yeah, I would.

And being able to support them as a single parent would include either having a good support system in place, or being able to afford as much good hired care as is needed. Preferably both.

[gardengal]

No. My husband has been OOT & every time I'm like "How do single moms do this & stay sane?"

My answer *might* change if I had an amazingly awesome support system (like lots of local family to help).

[CallingAllAngels]

Oct 17, 2012 5:25:12 GMT -5 greekypie said:

Now that I've had a child and I know how much work it is, no.

But if I were in the situation you described above, I'd probably do it, not knowing what I'm in for.

Exactly.

My BFF divorced right after my first child was born. When she was talking about how she worried she'd never be a mom, I told her to just have one on her own. Five years and an additional child later, I cringe at what horrible advice that was. I love being a Mom, but I would be a shitastic single mom.

[lys]

This is something I would do ONLY IF I had a good support team in hand. Family that could be good role models , have a relationship with aunts and uncles, and a good male figure to have in their lives. Unfortunately this is not my family.

I do have a friend who adopted two children (brother & sister) at age 40 and it has worked out beautifully for her. Her brother and father are a large part of the children's lives. (Friend's DH died when she was 33 and she never remarried).

[dochas]

No, I wouldn't. We both agreed that we didn't want to use daycare and didn't have a child until one of us could stay home. Since that would not be impossible on my own I wouldn't have done it.

I don't think it's wrong to do though. But it must be so much harder.

[Deleted]

Yes, I would adopt.

[Velvetshady]

I wouldn't. But I don't really want to be a mom at all. Back when I thought I'd want kids, I still don't think I'd actively pursue being a single mom.

[my4girls]

Yes. It was always my plan if I didn't get married to do it on my own, I've always wanted to be a mother

[Deleted]

Oct 17, 2012 7:40:17 GMT -5 @blessed said:

Oct 17, 2012 7:27:20 GMT -5 pamela said:

Absolutely not. I believe kids deserve to have a father and mother in the home. Yes, sometimes things happen where that isn't possible, but it shouldn't be the plan.

I was literally just thinking yesterday that your reputation to be controversial didn't follow you over to gbcn lol.

lololol

MM never forgets, though. I wouldn't expect anything less from Pamela.

[badtzmaru22]

Before I had a baby, I would have said yes. I never really imagined my wedding or getting married like a lot of kids do, but I always thought I'd have kids.

Now that I've had a baby- no. No way. But that's not really a fair answer, because I'm not in the situation of choosing to be a single mom. If something happened to my H, I wouldn't have more kids.

[explorer2001]

Oct 17, 2012 4:35:36 GMT -5 @ruralrabbit1 said:

I would. It's something I have thought a fair amount about here lately. I have a long ways to go before I would be ready for that, but its a possibility.

Sent from my DROID3 using proboards

This exactly. I hope that I meet the right person to be a partner and parent with me, but if that doesn't happen in the next few years I will look into alternatives. I've already done some research into freezing my eggs, but that's not looking like its feasible at this point.

[Lucille Bluth]

I think the very best advice for any and all women truly is to not have more children than you personally can afford to support yourself. (That goes for all people, but unfortunately we know how easy it is for guys to disappear.) I also think people should only have children if they want them and not because society seems to deem women without children as "spinsters" or whatever else.

Why not have a child alone if the planned life doesn't come to fruition and she wants one?

Personally I would not want to use donor sperm, but I would find a close friend or gay couple to facilitate this family arrangement. It might be unconventional, but having people who love the child is sadly a step up from many kids entering the world.

[explorer2001]

Oct 17, 2012 7:27:20 GMT -5 pamela said:

Absolutely not. I believe kids deserve to have a father and mother in the home. Yes, sometimes things happen where that isn't possible, but it shouldn't be the plan.

Do you know how offensive that is? Do you think it is better for a kid to have a mother and father even if that father is horrible and abusive, than a plan to have a safe loving home with a single parent? Is it better to let kids languish in foster care, than adopt them to a single parent? Do people who aren't as lucky as you to find a person that is a good parent and partner to spend their life with somehow not deserve to be parents? Is it better for children to be born into poverty, abuse, unfit parents etc than to be in a healthy loving single parent home?

I can understand idealism to a point. But reality isn't ideal. Many of the questions I ask are exactly on the point. Please seriously think through them and how what you say may effect people not as privileged as yourself.

[Deleted]

Like others, I think my answer would have been yes before I had a kid.

[Lucille Bluth]

Oct 17, 2012 8:38:47 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

Oct 17, 2012 7:27:20 GMT -5 pamela said:

Absolutely not. I believe kids deserve to have a father and mother in the home. Yes, sometimes things happen where that isn't possible, but it shouldn't be the plan.

Do you know how offensive that is? Do you it is better for a kid to have a mother and father even if that father is horrible and abusive, than a plan to have a safe loving home with a single parent? Is it better to let kids languish in foster care, than adopt them to a single parent? Do people who aren't as lucky as you to find a person that is a good parent and partner to spend their life with somehow not deserve to be parents? Is it better for children to be born into poverty, abuse, unfit parents etc than to be in a healthy loving single parent home?

I agree. There are plenty of people who aren't raised in a loving home and simply having a mother and father doesn't make a child's life better.

People tend to act as though "just adopt" is a good option for any and all who struggle with infertility, finding a partner, are in a gay union, etc, but the truth is it's not that simple to do so.

[Deleted]

When I was single. I dreamer of having a big house and being a foster parent so I think I'd go back to that plan.

[whitepicketfence]

I don't know.

Kids are a lot of work. There are times in our two parent household where I feel like I might lose my mind, LOL.

On the other hand, I enjoy being a mom and have always known that I've wanted children.

I suppose I would do it if I had a good support system and if finances were such that I could afford to pay for help (nanny, housekeeper, etc).

[thedutchgirl]

I wouldn't because I don't want kids regardless of marital status. I have a good friend who is doing this right now, though, with public adoption, and it is absolutely the right choice for her.

[ijack]

Possibly. If I had a good support system in place, yes. I could never imagine doing what my nanny did and getting pg with no one around me. I've always wanted to be a mom, so had I found myself single I'm sure I would have chosen to do it on my own.

[winnied]

Possibly. I wouldn't want to experience pregnancy and childbirth single so I would adopt, if I did want a child. I may even adopt a non-infant child.

It really would depend on a number of things. I would probably only do it if I lived near my relatives so I could have help.

[bunnysmom]

Personally, I wouldn't do it, but I'm not even sure if I want to be a mom at all.

In the event that I'd change my mind, I'd adopt, but I understand that it's a very difficult process.

[Deleted]

No. I'm sure that's in part because I've never felt the overwhelming need to have a child, but also, I think it would be very, very hard. Also, while having a support team I'm sure is nice, I don't know that I'd feel comfortable assuming that just because I have family nearby that they should be responsible for picking up my slack. I'm sure they'd help out, but I'd feel bad leaning on them too much (also, they aren't so convenient to me that they could be used on a regular basis anyway).

[ladygrey]

I probably wouldn't have a baby, but would consider adopting an older child if I were a single mom.

[njohnson1972]

That was my plan.

I actually went through a divorce. Rebuilt my life. Clock was ticking and had no one in my life. Relocated for a better paying job. Planned on doing donor sperm. Actually reconnected with an old boyfriend from college and told him my plan. He wanted to date and I told him my clock was ticking. He asked for a year - he wanted to a traditional family. I gave him a year. We got married and and we now have a kid.

Turns out, I wouldn't have been able to just do donor sperm. I actually have more complex infertility issues. It took us 4 IVF attempts to get our son.

[mollz007]

Sure, I would do it I would probably choose adoption though. The finances part would play a big role in my decision to be a single mother. It would also help if I had friends and family around to support me.

[Deleted]

I'm surprised those who have kids wouldn't.

But maybe my answer is colored by the fact that a) I work full time anyway b) I pretty much AM a single mom most weekends and c) I have my family nearby. I guess if I didn't already have experience with it and I had no support, I'd be less inclined.

But the thought of not having my daughter makes me sad. She is my little buddy.

[sillygoosegirl]

Maybe. I always imagined I would when I was young. But I didn't know back then how much I would love being married. If I had the choice between being married and being a parent, I would absolutely choose marriage. And I can't help thinking that purposefully becoming a single mom would make finding a spouse more difficult. I still think it is a great idea for some women, I just don't think it is very compatible with my own personal priorities.

[Deleted]

Oct 17, 2012 6:19:25 GMT -5 gt7301b said:

Hell No!

My DH and I haven't had a kid yet mainly because it appears to be a lot of work and we also enjoy being able to travel and spend money freely.

I know there are single moms who do a wonderful job taking care of their children, but I can't imagine purposefully signing up for that gig. I have yet to reach the point where I think my life would be incomplete if I don't have children.

This. All of it.

However, I'd consider adoption (older child) as that's my plan if I'm in the situation described above. Which I think it a decent possibility.

[mx27]

No

[isabel]

Oct 17, 2012 7:40:17 GMT -5 @blessed said:

Oct 17, 2012 7:27:20 GMT -5 pamela said:

Absolutely not. I believe kids deserve to have a father and mother in the home. Yes, sometimes things happen where that isn't possible, but it shouldn't be the plan.

I was literally just thinking yesterday that your reputation to be controversial didn't follow you over to gbcn lol.

So I shouldn't challenge this?