Yes. I actually planned to adopt and be a single mom before I met DH. Now we actually have a child and I see how hard it is I realize what a hard road I would have been in for. But it would absolutely NOT change my choice. Being a mom is price less and if I had to do it over knowing what I know now. I still would choose to be a single mom if DH did not come along.
Post by totallyloco on Oct 17, 2012 10:03:16 GMT -5
Using a sperm donor was my "plan B" before I started dating my husband when I was 34. I had even talked to my mom about moving up by me and being a defacto nanny if I had a baby alone.
Thank goodness it didn't come to that. I have no idea if I would have gone through with it, especially since my mom's health is bad now. But having a baby is stressful and difficult enough with my husband helping out, I can't imagine doing it alone.
I do know of a single mom who used a sperm donor. She has enough money to have a live in nanny. That's the way to do it!
I was single with good finances at 35. I had bought a house and thought long and hard about starting a family solo. I decided not to have a baby. I contacted a good friend with a young baby. I told her what I was thinking. She told me to take care of her five month old son for 24 hours and see what I thought. This is a good baby and I was exhausted after a long week at work and a 24 hours with the baby.
For this reason, I decided not to have a baby solo.
If I could afford it, than absolutely. I've always wanted to have kids and the thought of never being a mom is worse for me than being a single mom. One of my neighborhood mom freinds is a single mom by choice. I would love to ask her more about it, but I don't know her that well.
But maybe my answer is colored by the fact that a) I work full time anyway b) I pretty much AM a single mom most weekends and c) I have my family nearby. I guess if I didn't already have experience with it and I had no support, I'd be less inclined.
But the thought of not having my daughter makes me sad. She is my little buddy.
For me, the hardest part of being a single mom by choice would probably be the emotional aspect of it. All that worrying and stress and no one to really share it with in the way that you typically can with your child's other parent. One of the nice things about raising children in a committed relationship is that I'm sharing this experience with someone who loves them just as much as I do. That kind of caring would be so hard to substitute, even in a close grandparent or uncle/aunt relationship. That's not to say that I think people shouldn't do it, just that it's one way in which it would be a bit harder.
But maybe my answer is colored by the fact that a) I work full time anyway b) I pretty much AM a single mom most weekends and c) I have my family nearby. I guess if I didn't already have experience with it and I had no support, I'd be less inclined.
But the thought of not having my daughter makes me sad. She is my little buddy.
I agree. I am surprised by all the people who say that having kids had made them realize they wouldn't want to do it. Having kids has made me more certain than ever that I would want to be a parent regardless of my relationship status.
Don't get me wrong--I think single parenting would be really hard, and I am so glad I do have a committed partner in DH. But I know I could parent a child alone with family support if I needed to. I would have one kid instead of three and move near family. Like cosmos, my opinion may be colored by the fact that I already work more or less full-time and my family is awesome and would be tremendous help.
Post by kimibrighteyes on Oct 17, 2012 10:32:17 GMT -5
I love my kids desperately. I have family nearby that helps and a full-time live in nanny. Our finances are more than adequate. I still struggle when my husband is out of town (like he is now). I would not choose to do this all the time. I can afford it financially, but it is more than finances. I also really depend on DH to share the stress and worry. I can't imagine not having a partner while doing this.
But maybe my answer is colored by the fact that a) I work full time anyway b) I pretty much AM a single mom most weekends and c) I have my family nearby. I guess if I didn't already have experience with it and I had no support, I'd be less inclined.
But the thought of not having my daughter makes me sad. She is my little buddy.
Would I give up DS for anything? No. I can't imagine not having him in my life. But that's not the question at hand.
But maybe my answer is colored by the fact that a) I work full time anyway b) I pretty much AM a single mom most weekends and c) I have my family nearby. I guess if I didn't already have experience with it and I had no support, I'd be less inclined.
But the thought of not having my daughter makes me sad. She is my little buddy.
Would I give up DS for anything? No. I can't imagine not having him in my life. But that's not the question at hand.
But maybe my answer is colored by the fact that a) I work full time anyway b) I pretty much AM a single mom most weekends and c) I have my family nearby. I guess if I didn't already have experience with it and I had no support, I'd be less inclined.
But the thought of not having my daughter makes me sad. She is my little buddy.
Would I give up DS for anything? No. I can't imagine not having him in my life. But that's not the question at hand.
But it sort of is. You just said you can't imagine not having him in your life. But then you just said you wouldn't choose to have him in your life if you were single.
Knowing what I know about being a parent, I couldn't imagine choosing not to be one. That's all.
Perhaps, if having a child was something I definitely wanted to do I would not let the lack of a spouse or partner stop me. I don't like the idea of anyone not being able to do something they want to do because they didn't happen to find someone they wanted to spend their life with. I think the idea of not being married and not having a child just because things didn't work out for someone is really sad.
I'd definitely want to be financially prepared and ideally I'd live near family or other support to help me out. I can't imagine doing that if I didn't have anyone else around to pick up my kid in an emergency or to help me out if I was sick or had something else going on where I was unable to properly care for a child temporarily.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Oct 17, 2012 11:01:54 GMT -5
I have several friends who have done this, and I totally support them. I think you need to be really financially stable, have excellent life insurance, and have some idea who would be a good caretaker if something happened to you, but if all those criteria are met, then go for it.
Would I have done it myself? Before DS, it's hard to know. I don't know if I would have been brave enough, but maybe with my friends as role models I might have. Now, having DS, and knowing how wonderful it is to be a parent, I would have advised past-me to make the plunge.
Another option I probably would have considered would be to wait until I was after 40 and then consider fostering or foster/adopt.
But it sort of is. You just said you can't imagine not having him in your life. But then you just said you wouldn't choose to have him in your life if you were single.
No, it's not "sort of". The question isn't about our existing kids and would we, knowing what we know today about our kids, go back and do it alone.
It's about "If I were single and had no prospects to become a parent, would I do it on my own?". No, I wouldn't. My son and being a parent today has absolutely nothing to do w/ that question.
And that's fine! But they still are 2 different issues. Trust me - I get it. Like I said, I can't imagine not having DS in my life. But I know very much in my gut that if I was single w/ no prospects of marriage, I wouldn't choose to go out and have a child by myself.
Especially, if we want to get technical here, my son is my son BECAUSE he's part me and part my DH. If I had a child through different avenues w/ different DNA, I wouldn't have my son as he is today. I have him because I'm w/ my DH.
Absolutely not. I believe kids deserve to have a father and mother in the home. Yes, sometimes things happen where that isn't possible, but it shouldn't be the plan.
I was literally just thinking yesterday that your reputation to be controversial didn't follow you over to gbcn lol.
In addition to finances, I would make sure you have a great support system available (family, reliable nanny/daycare, alternate babysitters). What happens if you are sick? If you need to travel for work? If your car breaks down and you can't get to daycare on time before they close? If you just want an afternoon/weekend to yourself? If you have a baby and they have colic and you haven't slept for 2 days? I've had 2 years of adjusting to motherhood with my very helpful DH, and I still want/need a break on a regular basis.
But maybe my answer is colored by the fact that a) I work full time anyway b) I pretty much AM a single mom most weekends and c) I have my family nearby. I guess if I didn't already have experience with it and I had no support, I'd be less inclined.
But the thought of not having my daughter makes me sad. She is my little buddy.
The bolded is what I was thinking as I read responses. I had no idea when I typed out "sure" as the first response that so many nos would follow.
I can't even rely on my family, but I assume that with the financial picture the OP laid out, that I could afford help and to do the fun things I do with DD now.
Post by mollybrown on Oct 17, 2012 12:40:09 GMT -5
I'm kind of surprised by all of the people that say they wouldn't have a baby, but they would adopt an older child. Maybe I'm jaded by having worked in the foster care system, but I think it would be harder to take care of a newly adopted older child than an infant. Generally if an older child was available for adoption, they had had a rough life up until that point and/or had medical or behavioral issues that made placing them difficult. I would like to adopt an older child at some point, but I fully expect it to be harder than taking care of an infant.
In addition to finances, I would make sure you have a great support system available (family, reliable nanny/daycare, alternate babysitters). What happens if you are sick? If you need to travel for work? If your car breaks down and you can't get to daycare on time before they close? If you just want an afternoon/weekend to yourself? If you have a baby and they have colic and you haven't slept for 2 days? I've had 2 years of adjusting to motherhood with my very helpful DH, and I still want/need a break on a regular basis.
I think this is sound advice for anyone considering having a child. This has definitely been front of mind for me and DH. DH simply can't take over for me when I am sick, or pick up DD at school, or have my own pressing work deadlines.
Having a spouse/partner does not give you a free pass to not think about these things.
I definitely would not. I am waivering on having one and I am married and it seems like a lot of work.
Now, I have a neighbor who was divorced. She decided to have a baby on her own.
She thought her family would help out. She had friends who were out neighbors she had lined up to help out. She is a teacher and started back in August.
Her sister who lives near her parents (4 hours from where we live) got pregnant not long after her. They aren't helping. Her good friend/neighbors - ended up moving to the other side of the country.
She had things in place, but between deciding to do it and having the baby it all fell apart.
I'm kind of surprised by all of the people that say they wouldn't have a baby, but they would adopt an older child. Maybe I'm jaded by having worked in the foster care system, but I think it would be harder to take care of a newly adopted older child than an infant. Generally if an older child was available for adoption, they had had a rough life up until that point and/or had medical or behavioral issues that made placing them difficult. I would like to adopt an older child at some point, but I fully expect it to be harder than taking care of an infant.
I totally agree. I think fostering or adopting an older child without a partner would be much harder than birthing or adopting an infant.