I totally get what you're saying, Cosmos. Of course we're not that attached to Hypothetical Future Kid as we are to Current Actual Kid, but one will become the other, and once you get to know them you'd never undo it. So doesn't that mean you should do it in the first place?
In addition to finances, I would make sure you have a great support system available (family, reliable nanny/daycare, alternate babysitters). What happens if you are sick? If you need to travel for work? If your car breaks down and you can't get to daycare on time before they close? If you just want an afternoon/weekend to yourself? If you have a baby and they have colic and you haven't slept for 2 days? I've had 2 years of adjusting to motherhood with my very helpful DH, and I still want/need a break on a regular basis.
But, seriously, if your DH had died in a car accident the day before your child was born, it's not like you would have put your kid up for adoption, right? You would still go through these things. No one is saying it's easy. There are times when DS was crying incessantly that I had to hand him to DH and walk away. But, realistically, would that have changed if I had put him in his crib and walked away? It doesn't feel as good, but he would have survived.
I think the hardest thing for my friends who have done this is that they feel that they are not able to complain about anything. I can go to work and say, "Ugh, DS woke up five times last night!" and people would sympathize, but if my single friend said that people would be all, "Well, what did you expect? Did you think it was going to be easy?"
Honestly, I get terrified sometimes that something will happen to me while I'm alone with DS, and what would happen if I keeled over while he was in the tub, or in the car, etc., etc. That would be an even bigger fear if I were his only parent, and I would want some kind of daily check-in so that I *knew* that if something happened to me people would find him in time. But, realistically, I don't think you should let fears like that guide your life decisions. If something is worth having it will naturally be scary to think of losing it, but it doesn't mean you should forgo it in the first place.
I totally get what you're saying, Cosmos. Of course we're not that attached to Hypothetical Future Kid as we are to Current Actual Kid, but one will become the other, and once you get to know them you'd never undo it. So doesn't that mean you should do it in the first place?
Not a parent, but I agree. If someone loves being a parent, has a deep desire to be a parent, and is happy that they have a child - why would the lack of a husband/partner change that? It bums me out to think that a person would give up being a parent just because they couldn't/didn't find someone to parent with them. Then they're not only missing out on a love relationship, they're missing out on something else they deeply want and would enjoy. Lots of things worth doing are hard, so why is this any different?
To each his own and all that, but I would definitely encourage someone in this situation to follow their dream and become a parent if that's something important to them. How depressing to think of living your entire life alone simply because nothing worked out romantically.
Post by kellbell191 on Oct 17, 2012 13:07:45 GMT -5
I also think I would go the route of non infant adoption. I don't have a desire to be pregnant or give birth and non infant adoption is something I've always been interested in pursuing.
Prior to having kids, no, absolutely not. I always pictured myself having kids, but never had an overwhelming desire to have them. The thought of having a kid alone would have never even crossed my mind as an option. Now that I have my girls I can't imagine my life w/out them. They are frustrating at times, a lot of work most of the times and some days I just want to scream. But really all the work is way more than worth it and I would do it alone in a heartbeat.
Now that I've had a child and I know how much work it is, no.
But if I were in the situation you described above, I'd probably do it, not knowing what I'm in for.
This is how I feel.
My hat goes off to single moms especially those of young babies. When Max is having a bad night it is amazing to have someone else to comfort, change or feed him (if I've pumped).
I can't imagine doing it all on my own. Especially as I have no support system that I can lean on.
I agree with all of this, but I also feel that part of parenting I'd miss it were just me is sharing the joy a child can bring. I love it when H&I just sit and gush about whatever adorable thing DD is up to. No one else wants to hear that kind of drivel or will be as excited over a milestone, kwim?
I have anxiety now sometimes about what if something happens to DH and I'm now alone with a child on the way. I can't imagine volunteering for that setup personally.
Yes, and I would have more than one. When I divorced six years ago, I really thought I'd be single for a while, and I started looking into foster care. I went so far as to talk to my employer about it, as it would have caused some conflict of interest issues since our firm represented CPS in a lot of the cases with foster kids in the county where I lived. I ended up meeting DH soon after that, though.
I wouldn't want to go through a pregnancy alone and also wouldn't want to do the difficult newborn phase waking up every two hours by myself. However, I could manage as a single parent and give children a good home. My parents live down the street and my dad's two sisters live nearby and are stay at home moms, so I would have a lot of family support. If something happened to DH or our marriage fell apart or whatever and I ended up single again and only had our DS, I'd still adopt at least one and probably two more, but as toddlers and not infants.
ETA: Regarding older kids having behavior issues and such, that is true, but I actually think that with my parent's support I could handle that. My mom retires this year and is a nurse who has worked with a lot of children with behavior problems, and I know she would be a tremendous source of help and support. I'd be more concerned about being a single working mom and lack of sleep with a newborn than dealing with behavior issues during the day. The every two hour feeding with an infant is freaking brutal.
Post by Wines Not Whines on Oct 17, 2012 14:06:06 GMT -5
No, I wouldn't. I was always on the fence about having kids, and DH really wanted them. If I'd been on my own, I wouldn't have made the decision to have kids.
If I had always wanted kids very badly, but didn't have a partner, that might be different.
In addition to finances, I would make sure you have a great support system available (family, reliable nanny/daycare, alternate babysitters). What happens if you are sick? If you need to travel for work? If your car breaks down and you can't get to daycare on time before they close? If you just want an afternoon/weekend to yourself? If you have a baby and they have colic and you haven't slept for 2 days? I've had 2 years of adjusting to motherhood with my very helpful DH, and I still want/need a break on a regular basis.
But, seriously, if your DH had died in a car accident the day before your child was born, it's not like you would have put your kid up for adoption, right?
No, of course not, but it is a terrifying thought. I do get nightmares about DH being in a car accident and waking up in tears. And to be honest, if I hadn't found DH I think I would have found life fulfilling enough without a child (not knowing what it is like to get those random bear hugs and happy moments). I just know my personality, and while I could be a single parent, I don't want to be.
I'm not saying the OP wouldn't make arrangements to create the support system and have the inner strength to handle single motherhood. But this is what crosses my mind when I think about becoming a single parent.
Nope. Of course, I have never wanted kids all that much so I can't imagine wanting them so much I'd be willing to do it alone. If DH ever decided he wanted a kid, he'd have to find a new job, because I'd essentially be a part-time single parent, and that is something I'm not willing or able to do.
And as far as getting people to agree to 'help'. Holy shit. Plenty of people are happy to offer to help someone with a non-existent child that might never be born. You can't call those people at 1 am when the child has been screaming for hours with colic or teething or croup or whatever and say HEY come over, remember you said you'd help, I have to sleep so I can go to work. They'll say UH, SO DO I. That kid is yours and yours alone.
I absolutely could rely on my mom and dad to come over at 1 am to help (although I would only ask if it had been several nights in a row and I REALLY needed the help), but I seriously have the world's most amazing and generous parents. Once my dad came over around 1 am to go with me to take DS to the emergency room when DH was out of town. There was no hesitation when I called and asked, and my dad wanted to be with me. I wouldn't expect them to be willing to watch kids so I could have a bunch of free time to myself or anything like that, but as far as helping me during sleepless nights, in an emergency, or if someone was really sick, they would absolutely be there for me. In fact, they started taking DS overnight on occasion when he was just 8 weeks old to give us a break. We are an extremely close family. We are about to start the foster to adopt process in a few months to adopt a sibling group, and I wouldn't be doing this even as a married woman if I didn't know that my parents are going to be there to help.
And as far as getting people to agree to 'help'. Holy shit. Plenty of people are happy to offer to help someone with a non-existent child that might never be born. You can't call those people at 1 am when the child has been screaming for hours with colic or teething or croup or whatever and say HEY come over, remember you said you'd help, I have to sleep so I can go to work. They'll say UH, SO DO I. That kid is yours and yours alone.
But not everyone has a spouse who does this either. I can count on one hand the times H got DD at 1am.
But my parents? They've driven to me to help out when I'm screaming and crying in pain. They already have dropped things to come help me with my currently existing daughter.
And as far as getting people to agree to 'help'. Holy shit. Plenty of people are happy to offer to help someone with a non-existent child that might never be born. You can't call those people at 1 am when the child has been screaming for hours with colic or teething or croup or whatever and say HEY come over, remember you said you'd help, I have to sleep so I can go to work. They'll say UH, SO DO I. That kid is yours and yours alone.
Everyone's circumstances differ. I know my mom would help me immensely if I were a single parent. She has the highest energy level of anyone I know, never sleeps more than 4-5 hours a night anyway, and doesn't work. If I moved to the city she lives in, she would absolutely help me with night duty with a newborn, and she would be just as able to pick up my kid from day care if a meeting ran late or my car broke down as my DH--more so, actually since she does not have work commitments of her own. She stayed with me for several weeks when each of my kids were born, and she was much more help than my DH. And my DH is a really helpful, awesome dad, so it's not like he sucks. My mom just rocks. Granted, she is 64 years old and therefore I know I cannot count on her to be this helpful forever. But some people really are lucky enough to have significant family support.
Post by iheartbanjos on Oct 17, 2012 15:53:30 GMT -5
Nope. DH was the one with baby rabies that talked me into having a kid. While I absolutely love my DD more than life, I would not have had a clue what I was missing out on.
Not a chance. I have trouble taking care of my dog sometimes when my DH is out of town. I would have a very, very hard time taking care of a child on my own and I know that. I would never enter into that situation willingly.
I have a friend who was reaching 40 and had no mating prospects in sight. She desperately wanted a child. She went out when she knew she was ovulating and took some guy home from a bar. She said she "vetted" him as much as possible in the bar. He was attractive, had a degree, etc. I question her methodology, but I certainly don't question her wanting a child and doing what she could to have one.
I have a friend who was reaching 40 and had no mating prospects in sight. She desperately wanted a child. She went out when she knew she was ovulating and took some guy home from a bar. She said she "vetted" him as much as possible in the bar. He was attractive, had a degree, etc. I question her methodology, but I certainly don't question her wanting a child and doing what she could to have one.
I'm kind of surprised by all of the people that say they wouldn't have a baby, but they would adopt an older child. Maybe I'm jaded by having worked in the foster care system, but I think it would be harder to take care of a newly adopted older child than an infant. Generally if an older child was available for adoption, they had had a rough life up until that point and/or had medical or behavioral issues that made placing them difficult. I would like to adopt an older child at some point, but I fully expect it to be harder than taking care of an infant.
They might have medical or behavioral issues, but you would not be going through the physical stress and risk of a pregnancy alone, they are unlikely to have zero sleep schedule, and they might be in school for a large part of the day. Very different from having your own infant.
I wouldn't be a single mom by choice, knowing what I know and experience having a 5-month old baby. That being said, I think its great for others who do choose that route for various reasons.
I would foster to adopt an older child. I worked with kids with behavior issues and I think I could more or less handle it. Sleepless nights and rambunctious toddlerhood, not so much.
Half the reason I got married was to have a partner in crime to coparent with. I would not want to have a baby alone.
now that i know what it's like having kids, no, probably not.
but before I had them, I would have said yes. LOL
This is me. Raising a kid is much harder than I thought it would be.
A woman in my book club talks occasionally about wanting to become a single mom by choice. We all respect her decisions, but the moms of the group have definitely tried to express to her just how difficult parenting a young child can be.
i don't feel that compelled to have a kid even with a partner. i'm sure we will, but it's not an 'omg, i just haaaave to have a kid' feeling. certainly not enough to convince me to do it alone.
Does it count if you had a kid and then chose to end the marriage knowing that you'd basically be the primary parent, at least for a while? Because that's what I did when the teen was 4.
Being a single mom was tough, especially since I was barely making enough to cover our expenses. And hell yeah, it was hard. But it was a choice I made willingly, and despite how difficult it got at times, I wouldn't change a thing. For every rough moment, we had five awesome ones. I think it helped build the incredibly wonderful relationship we've had for quite a long time.
And it sure as shit makes me a bazillion percent more grateful for my life now.