I know we haven't met yet, but I'm local, so if you ever need anything- babysitting help or someone to talk to- feel free to message me here or on FB (I'm on the denver ml page- L.H.)
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can't say with certainty that this would be a dealbreaker, but my gut tells me that I would always distrust H on some level if he cheated on me.
I'm so sorry, I hope that you are taking care of yourself and that you have lots of people around you for love and support.
I can't say 100% whether or not it would be a deal breaker for me. I have always said it would be but to be honest, now that there are kids in the picture, things have become much more grey. It probably would be but I also think that I would give more thought to working through it than I would pre-kids.
I'm not sure what my dealbreaker would be, without actually being faced with the situation, but I think H having sex with someone else would be pretty damn close.
I can think of a lot of things that are deal breakers, kneejerk, gut reaction-wise. If you and he want to overcome trust issues and work on your marriage, it can definitely improve with solid effort and an excellent therapist.
If this is a pattern, then fuck that loser assmunch
Post by Doggy Mommy on Jul 9, 2013 22:19:09 GMT -5
I am so sorry. I can't say whether or not it would be a dealbreaker for me. Probably it would be. In your situation, it's not like he was an exemplary husband and father before this. It sounds like there have been other problems, and the infidelity might be on top of an already shaky marriage. Of course it's easy for me to say "Kick him to the curb. And make sure you kick him in the nuts." But obviously this is something that only you can decide.
I am so sorry, and feel your pain. It hurts, but remember you are stronger than you think you are. Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together. I love that quote. Hugs to you!!!
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
I am so very sorry. Please know that you did absolutely positively NOTHING to deserve this - this is all on him 100%.
As far as whether or not it's a dealbreaker, it is so easy to say "He cheats, I'm done!" no ifs, ands, or buts when you are NOT in the situation. It is a very, very different thing entirely when you are actually in the situation, faced with the reality of such a gut-wrenching betrayal and walking away from a marriage and essentially, the very life you've made. Even more so if kids are involved.
I was one of those who said, "He cheats, I'm done" until I was staring down my own emotional affair and in the aftermath of my betrayal, discovered my H's infidelity (cyber & phone sex). Yes, there were plenty of times I wanted to walk away and he did, too, we even separated for several months. Ultimately, we decided we want to mend things - but we were both remorseful, transparent, and went to counseling. We put in the hard work it took to repair our marriage - we STILL are putting in that investment and our marriage now is so much stronger and more honest than it has ever been.
Ultimately, only you can decide what is or is not a dealbreaker for you, but at a bare minimum, he needs to work his ass off showing you he's remorseful, he needs to be completely 100% transparent and earn your trust (it will never be 100% trust after this, but personally, I am at peace with 99.9% as is H). Counseling is a must and he needs to figure out WHY he did this to you and trust, it has NOTHING to do with the marriage. Yes, there may have been "problems" that allowed either or both partners to become vulnerable but bottom line? He had a choice just as a I had a choice and my H had a choice. If it was so bad he felt on the edge of the infidelity cliff, then he should have told you and either got counseling or got the hell out BEFORE he cheated.
Again, major hugs to you as infidelity is the shittiest of all shit sandwiches.
I don't think it has been mentioned yet but check out survivinginfidelity.com. It was a life saver for me.
Been there, done that. My STBXH cheated on me with an ex gf 10 days before our wedding. I didn't find out until a year later when he came back from deployment. He rug swept and gas lighted and I wasn't ready to stand up for myself. Then I got laid off 6 months later and I stayed a whole lot longer than I should have. Over the next 3 years, there was more infidelity of sort via adult dating sites, phone chat lines (hello, 1991 called and they want their technology back), interactive chat porn and a whole lot of other crap. I finally called him on his bluff that he wanted to leave and now he's gone and I haven't been more relaxed. He's in the guilt stage and finally realized he is "broken" and has gone to counseling. Will we get back together? At this point, I highly doubt it. He would have to make a WHOLE lot of progress and even if he did, I think it will be better for us to be apart.
You are going to be going through an emotional rollercoaster over the next few weeks and months. Please remember to eat and stay hydrated. Take it one day at a time. Much love and many hugs from me and I wish you peace. PM me if you would like.
Post by mrsukyankee on Jul 10, 2013 9:14:28 GMT -5
After everything else you've said about your DH, I'd say this would be the final straw. He clearly is not into the marriage and treats you like shit. I'm not sure this is a situation that's worth working on unless he pulls his weight, goes to counselling and stops expecting to live the single life within a marriage.
Post by dragonfly08 on Jul 10, 2013 9:24:26 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I don't know if it would be a dealbreaker for me, but I can promise that he'd be sleeping in his car and going to a lot of counseling, both individual and couples, until I decided what worked best for me and my kids in the long run.