Sorry to hear this st.pete. I wish I had answers for you - lets meet up for a run one of these weekends, and beer. At the very least it will make you feel better seeing how much faster you are than I am.
Next weekend! I will be in Tampa!
I don't run though. I'll keep your beers nice and frosty for y'all. ;D
And St. Pete, I went through exactly this with XH, so if you ever want to talk message me anytime. I will say, if your H is willing to go to counseling, and your heart is in it, then by all means fight to save your marraige. I'm very very happy with where my life is now, but if XH had been open to at least TRY, things could have been much different. (((hugs)))
I'm getting unnecessary worked up over the whole compromise discussion. I want to scream.
Stpete, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you get some help to figure out what you really want and go from there. I'm the one who is being like your H right now and refusing sex, never initiating. I think my husband is hot, I just don't tell him enough. I know I need to work on this. Does he realize how you feel? Talk to him.
My flameful: I keep gaining weight, and I've decided it was because of my meds (every time I've been on ADs, I gained significant weight and lost it all after) so I'm not doing anything about it because I feel like it will all work out when I wean off in a few months. In the mean time, although I work out, I eat whatever crap I want and sit here depressed about my fat flabby stomach.
What I guess is partly worrisome to me for stpete is this is the way relationships run. There is an ebb and flow; there is a loss of passion. (and if it were just the passion, I'd be telling her to make it work, it'll come back). The odds are remarkably in favor of her finding another great guy, being all hot and passionate with him, and having that fade as well, since that's what happens.
The loss of that feeling of friendship is a different thing, and harder to fix. It's true that little kids will just kill a marriage;ours was in shambles when the kids were little. for us, counselling and hard work made it better; and the kids getting older made all of it easier. This does not happen for everyone, but it's possible. Stpete, I hope you can talk to your dh about this, and I hope he's responsive, and I hope you can find a good counselor. ((hugs))
I want to read John Edwards' mistress's tell-all book, but I don't want to contribute a single cent to her. I think what she/they did is disgusting, but damn if I don't want to read all of the juicy details.
From the excerpts I've heard I want to punch that bitch in her self-centered face. The one where John is such a wonderful father to Quinn when he's not off taking care of his other kids in particular made me furious.
This has me thinking about the time that your husband (stpete) confronted you about flirting with the friend. You jumped all over that, cared about his concern, and went to counseling immediately. In the end - you listened to him and changed your behavior.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jun 19, 2012 13:11:05 GMT -5
Maternity leave was like a vacation for me. L was an amazingly easy newborn and we went to see several movies just the two of us. The issue was returning to work and after she turned about 4-6 mos and stopped sleeping good for us. Her sleep still sucks (was up until 11:40 last night).
St. Pete - I hope you two can go to couples counseling together. I also hope he gets a chance to respond knowing exactly how serious you are. I think sometimes guys don't realize how bad their wife thinks it is until too late.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jun 19, 2012 13:15:11 GMT -5
I'm still all heated over the "compromise" thing. It's not a bad thing that one person voices their wants in a marriage per se - it's a bad thing when what one person wants is something completely douchetastic that marginalizes the other person to an alarming degree. And the fact that there's an actual real live woman here who doesn't see that... well, if I ever wondered why women are still at a huge pay and personhood disadvantage in our society, I've stopped wondering now.
I'm still all heated over the "compromise" thing. It's not a bad thing that one person voices their wants in a marriage per se - it's a bad thing when what one person wants is something completely douchetastic that marginalizes the other person to an alarming degree. And the fact that there's an actual real live woman here who doesn't see that... well, if I ever wondered why women are still at a huge pay and personhood disadvantage in our society, I've stopped wondering now.
Two. There are two women in here who think she maybe ought to be a little more accomodating of her DH's wants and find some sort of part time thing.
I'm still all heated over the "compromise" thing. It's not a bad thing that one person voices their wants in a marriage per se - it's a bad thing when what one person wants is something completely douchetastic that marginalizes the other person to an alarming degree. And the fact that there's an actual real live woman here who doesn't see that... well, if I ever wondered why women are still at a huge pay and personhood disadvantage in our society, I've stopped wondering now.
Two. There are two women in here who think she maybe ought to be a little more accomodating of her DH's wants and find some sort of part time thing.
Christ. Two of them. Two of them who hear a guy basically say "hey, honey, I'd really love it if you could stop being a person with her own life and just be a function in MY life" and think, oh, well, there's nothing wrong with that - he's just voicing what he wants, and she should compromise and be less of a person and more of a function, but not TOTALLY not a person. That'll solve everything!
Floyd- I told him what I need and why I was flirting with someone else on the first place. We talked a ton then about my needs (it was earlier this year). We've had this same conversation probably yearly for the last five years. Should I discuss out monthly? Maybe, but after asking for the same thing for years I'm over it. I just left a message for the counselor., this is good, I need to stop going over it in my head and talk to someone else.
no. you shouldn't have to continue to say it. That really sucks
Okay, I joke about being "unmotherly," but I am really getting concerned that I'm not enjoying motherhood enough and need people to tell me how boring or otherwise not fun the newborn stage is.
I know, Tamb, stay away from the Bump! I can't help it.
I'm over the initial OHSHIT period, but between the formula feeding, the peacefully sleeping 8 hrs every other night and letting H care for J, the being happy to be back at work, the what I perceive as laziness w/r/t activities during her waking period, the anxiety/mild horror I experience when other people discuss wanting # 2 soon... I need to know I'm not completely abnormal. Because I feel like I am not experiencing new motherhood the same way other people are. Is it my antidepressants? Should I not have had a kid? Am I going to suck as a mother? lol, I'm wigging out over here!
I always thought I was a "baby person" and never really saw what was so fun about toddlers and older kids. I mean, snuggly cute babies! Then I had a baby, and... newborns are fucking HARD WORK. I certainly miss DD being so tiny and snuggly, but I do NOT miss the constant work, feeding, lack of sleep, and inability to communicate.
DD is 2.5 now and she is far and away more awesome than she was as a newborn, or even as a baby. I say all the time that we've always loved DD, but we really started liking her when she turned one. She started sleeping, was more independent, and started really interacting with us. IMO, bigger kids are way more fun than tiny babies.
Post by peachykate on Jun 19, 2012 13:33:38 GMT -5
Tamb- babies are boring. I have zero desire for another kid even if you took pregnancy out of the equation somehow. I occasionally think this makes me a shitty especially since I did enjoy the first three months.
Two. There are two women in here who think she maybe ought to be a little more accomodating of her DH's wants and find some sort of part time thing.
Christ. Two of them. Two of them who hear a guy basically say "hey, honey, I'd really love it if you could stop being a person with her own life and just be a function in MY life" and think, oh, well, there's nothing wrong with that - he's just voicing what he wants, and she should compromise and be less of a person and more of a function, but not TOTALLY not a person. That'll solve everything!
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by eightangryreindeer on Jun 19, 2012 13:49:34 GMT -5
stpete I am just floored right now. You've heard my take on these sort of feelings and I'm not altogether sure about what's going to happen in these parts down the road. I really feel where you're coming from, I think you know this, and I am going to call you tomorrow.
Your trampoline antics... I always thought that you were satisfied with your sex life, this is a surprise to me.
It could be ebb and flow, it could be more - I think it's a great idea to talk to someone totally neutral.
Big hugs from me, man. I wish we could go for drinks tonight, except I'm a little smelly and in Philadelphia.
Tamb, that's totally how I feel every day. Like I should feel different, like a different person since I'm somebody's mom. But...I don't. I feel like me, but now I have this kickass little human in my life now, too. I don't feel like a mom.
When I drop off and pick up DD from daycare, the kids in her room will see me through the window in the door and yell, "DD's mom! DD's mom!" and it hits me like a ton of bricks - I'm her mom. That's kind of the only time I really, truly feel like a mom. Maybe that's bad. Or weird. Oh well!
Okay, I joke about being "unmotherly," but I am really getting concerned that I'm not enjoying motherhood enough and need people to tell me how boring or otherwise not fun the newborn stage is.
I know, Tamb, stay away from the Bump! I can't help it.
I'm over the initial OHSHIT period, but between the formula feeding, the peacefully sleeping 8 hrs every other night and letting H care for J, the being happy to be back at work, the laziness w/r/t activities during her wakeful times, the anxiety/mild horror I experience when other people discuss wanting # 2 soon... I need to know I'm not completely abnormal. Because I feel like I am not experiencing new motherhood the same way other people are. Is it my antidepressants? Should I not have had a kid? Am I going to suck as a mother? lol, I'm wigging out over here!
It's boring and tedious taking care of a newborn. Sure, it's fun when they smile but that shit gets old. And really, what are you supposed to do with them at that age? There is only so much engagement you can do with a 3-5 month old.
If you still think your kid is boring at 6-9 months, we'll talk. Until then, I say normal.
Christ. Two of them. Two of them who hear a guy basically say "hey, honey, I'd really love it if you could stop being a person with her own life and just be a function in MY life" and think, oh, well, there's nothing wrong with that - he's just voicing what he wants, and she should compromise and be less of a person and more of a function, but not TOTALLY not a person. That'll solve everything!
st. pete, i'm so sorry. i hope you work through these feelings and find a good solution. and i'm surprised, i thought you guys were hot and heavy. just goes to show how little everyone really knows about everyone else, even on here where people are more open.
tamb, i had moments (MOMENTS, not hours) of "omg, this is the cutest snuggliest baby evER and i love her!" but mostly it was all blah and waiting for her to be quiet alert more often. mainly, she was a large and cute accessory that i dragged around all over because i had to GET OUT (i was still on leave). the cuteness/interaction/talking/responsiveness will all make it so much better. and i still don't feel like "a mom" yet. i'm not sure if i'll ever be.
and even as they get older, there's a lot of slog-blah stuff. the other day, i said to L as we were getting out of the car "what do we do in the parking lot?" and she said "we hold hands!" and was so cute and enthsiastic and clapped! some lady was all "so cute! how did you get her to do that?!" and i was all um, EVERY FUCKING TIME we are in the parking lot i say "now we hold hands." so slog slog blah blah repeating yourself eleventy billion times eventually yields cute moments.
and i TOTALLY looked forward to my "break" from work throughout my entire pregnancy. i'd been in school or working, except for a 1 month trip backpacking around europe, since i was freaking 14 years old. i was PSYCHED. i knew it wouldn't be like a spa vacation, but many days it beat the hell out of work. and gave me time to reassess what i did and didn't like about my job, my self, etc. it was nice.
ETA: FUCK COMPROMISE. i can't believe anyone entertained that thought seriously.
Tamb, that's totally how I feel every day. Like I should feel different, like a different person since I'm somebody's mom. But...I don't. I feel like me, but now I have this kickass little human in my life now, too. I don't feel like a mom.
I don't have a kid but I think that's a good thing! I hope when I do have children that I don't lose my sense of "me."
Tamb, I had a really hard time bonding with my baby. Other life circumstances made it worse, and I spent most of her first year in a well hidden fugue state of regret and resentment. Now, although challenging, she is the light of my life. So 1: you are normal and 2: if you feel like I did don't tough it out - find some help. You deserve to enjoy your baby - inasmuch as a new born can be enjoyable.