I wonder if her depression is triggered by hormones. This is why I cannot be on hormonal birthday control, why being on progesterone with C was an absolute nightmare, etc.
If she was taking additional hormones before getting pregnant and then the pregnancy hormones themselves, it could explain things.
I would look into what it would take to get her admitted some place. she needs serious, intensive help. You can't avoid her for the rest of O's life.
MIL was scheduled to come over today anyway, so we will discuss this with her then. I don't know who her doctor is, but I also think it would be good for the staff of the hospital she's delivering at to know, and possibly also be able to give some resources ahead of time. I know my MIL has talked to her in the past, but like I said, they're pretty insensitive. Hopefully today we can all get on the same page.
Anyway, I wouldn't go and I'd probably be a bitch about it and make no excuses to the ILs as to why I didn't "well, we were going to, but thundersnatch decided her feelings would be hurt if our daughter was in attendance." Because, I just --i mean--I can't even wrap my head around this shit. But, you know I value my children regardless of their sex, so there's that.
I agree with this. Your H and your IL's need to be putting the screws to both SIL and her H to get her into counseling before she has her baby. I get that you're worried your IL's will be insensitive about the situation. However, like you said, what about Christmas and Thanksgiving? This is going to snowball in regards to the bigger holidays. It's entirely possible that if she doesn't get treatment now, she is going to be a danger to her child.
As with everything, there are forums out there for women who experience this type of depression. It may help her to know that she's not the only one who's suffering these feelings and that there are ways to work through them.
Try to find out who her doctor is and give them this info. If it comes to needing to do an involuntary commitment the documentation needs to start yesterday. It's extremely hard to do an involuntary commitment and takes a lot of evidence that it is absolutely necessary so start giving her doctor info so he can question her and make notes in her file. keep notes yourself, etc. of anything that is off the wall like not wanting O at the party because she's a girl (not much but it's one piece to add to the evidence) If you can get her to go in voluntarily great but if not this is a case where an involuntary commitment may be necessary to keep her and the baby safe.
It sounds like she has some issues she needs to work through with a professional. I would not attend the party. I would not cancel Christmas/Thanksgiving events due to her issues though. You and your child are very much part of the family, so it is unreasonable for her to dictate your attendance.
Perhaps she should think about women who go through infertility to get some perspective about her "gender disappointment." It seems like an entitled and dangerous attitude; I hope she can work through everything before the arrival of her son.
ETA: Oh, I see now that you mention that she has dealt with infertility. WTF, then?!!
Think Of The Soldiers! to cure your mental illness
Your updates make the situation sound more serious than I originally thought. FFS people, this isn't a woman who's bummed because she's not getting a little girl to dress up in cute outfits.
Her hormones and emotions are all over the place. 10 years of infertility and (?) treatments, a miscarriage of a baby she obviously wanted, and now finally being pregnant and not dealing with it well at all. Her H needs to see how serious this is STAT. As do your inlaws. When you see them today, maybe talk about how this is not a situation to be insensitive. Your SIL needs all the support she can get. I would strongly encourage your BIL to speak to her doctor more.
Has she been to the counselor her doctor referred her to?
It sounds like she has some issues she needs to work through with a professional. I would not attend the party. I would not cancel Christmas/Thanksgiving events due to her issues though. You and your child are very much part of the family, so it is unreasonable for her to dictate your attendance.
Perhaps she should think about women who go through infertility to get some perspective about her "gender disappointment." It seems like an entitled and dangerous attitude; I hope she can work through everything before the arrival of her son.
ETA: Oh, I see now that you mention that she has dealt with infertility. WTF, then?!!
She sounds like she's in a very dark place. It also sounds like her H really doesn't get it. at all. Can you tell him that not all moms magically feel an overwhelming loving connection to their babies when they're born? That it can take months for that to develop? Hell, it did for me, and I wasn't even depressed. Like, she may love the baby, but not FEEL in love with the baby for a while, and even be kind of apathetic for a bit (yes, I know this may not make a lot of sense, but trust, it can happen even outside of a true PPD situation). Compound that with post partum hormones, her severe depression, issues about it being a boy, and that is a dangerous situation for the baby, as well as her.
Beat that into her H's head (and ILs, if they would be appropriately supportive and have an otherwise good relationship with them). This sounds like it isn't just her being bummed about a boy, or nervous, or weird pregnancy hormones/mood swings. She very likely won't "get over it." She needs help. I can't imagine how scary and unnerving it is to face the fact that your wife is having emotional issues surrounding a baby they both very much wanted, and tried so hard to get. But he needs to face it, and help her get the help she needs.
It sounds like she has some issues she needs to work through with a professional. I would not attend the party. I would not cancel Christmas/Thanksgiving events due to her issues though. You and your child are very much part of the family, so it is unreasonable for her to dictate your attendance.
Perhaps she should think about women who go through infertility to get some perspective about her "gender disappointment." It seems like an entitled and dangerous attitude; I hope she can work through everything before the arrival of her son.
ETA: Oh, I see now that you mention that she has dealt with infertility. WTF, then?!!
Think Of The Soldiers! to cure your mental illness
There has been no diagnosis of mental illness--only people in this thread diagnosing mental illness based from their couches based on the OP's description. Moreover, I did not say that it would "cure" mental illness but it does add perspective. I am not comfortable assuming mental illness which is why I think the person needs to see a medical professional.
There is where it hard for to figure out how to draw the line:
1. O is my first priority. I don't want her to be the center of anyone's psychosis. After this conversation about Halloween today, I really don't want O around her EVER until she gets better. 2. I'm not there for the majority of these instances, so I don't know exactly how I can build up a case for her, especially if the family around her downplays it. 3. We're very friendly, not close. I've tried to "pump her up" a bunch about her son, getting her awesome outfits and toys and whatnot, and am hosting her shower in November. I don't know how receptive she would be to me talking to her, I feel like she will dismiss me because I have a girl. 4. Her H is a dick, but he's her H. There's only so many lines I can cross. 5. I will speak to her doctor. 6. I feel if we lived closer I could be of more help.
Think Of The Soldiers! to cure your mental illness
There has been no diagnosis of mental illness--only people in this thread diagnosing mental illness based from their couches based on the OP's description. Moreover, I did not say that it would "cure" mental illness but it does add perspective. I am not comfortable assuming mental illness which is why I think the person needs to see a medical professional.
Except she DID deal with infertility, and also you're an asshole and also you're a moron.
Think Of The Soldiers! to cure your mental illness
There has been no diagnosis of mental illness--only people in this thread diagnosing mental illness based from their couches based on the OP's description. Moreover, I did not say that it would "cure" mental illness but it does add perspective. I am not comfortable assuming mental illness which is why I think the person needs to see a medical professional.
1) According to the OP SIL dealt with IF for 10 yrs so believe me she is aware of it. 2) Women who suffer IF are at a greater risk of PPD because of the emotions resulting from IF.
After years of struggling it's hard to really believe that you will actually have a healthy baby at the end of it. Which is what I think is happening here. I think O is a reminder of her previous loss which makes her more anxious and depressed when she's around and she's already having a hard time seeing this ending well and it's only going to get worse.
Post by vanillacourage on Oct 16, 2013 9:45:46 GMT -5
You seem like a nice and reasonable person. If you think she could be a danger to not only her child, but YOUR daughter, then I think you really must take action.
I hope you can get someone to listen. Where is your DH in this?
Betty said she is a wonderful person, so I'm going on that. She's not being entitled - she never even expressed a preference before.
I feel like she's probably had a huge amount of stress, and disappointment, and mood swings from treatments, and now pregnancy hormones. The whole thing is just a huge cluster in her mind at this point. And she's putting it all onto this one issue that seems easy to understand. But there's probably a lot going on underneath that needs to be sorted out.
Luckily, if she's treated, she can get past this. Good luck helping her get there, Betty.
It sounds like she has some issues she needs to work through with a professional. I would not attend the party. I would not cancel Christmas/Thanksgiving events due to her issues though. You and your child are very much part of the family, so it is unreasonable for her to dictate your attendance.
Perhaps she should think about women who go through infertility to get some perspective about her "gender disappointment." It seems like an entitled and dangerous attitude; I hope she can work through everything before the arrival of her son.
ETA: Oh, I see now that you mention that she has dealt with infertility. WTF, then?!!
You still aren't getting it.
Okay. Then please explain your perspective to me. I have a number of close friends who have had miscarriages and have dealt with infertility, and I do feel upset when people take it out on the child when they are not the gender of preference (in this case, the OP's daughter is being treated poorly and there is a possibility that the son will be as well once he is born).
Okay. Then please explain your perspective to me. I have a number of close friends who have had miscarriages and have dealt with infertility, and I do feel upset when people take it out on the child when they are not the gender of preference (in this case, the OP's daughter is being treated poorly and there is a possibility that the son will be as well once he is born).
wait, are you a man? like, is your sn supposed to be a version of "man explain"?
You seem like a nice and reasonable person. If you think she could be a danger to not only her child, but YOUR daughter, then I think you really must take action.
I hope you can get someone to listen. Where is your DH in this?
He's really upset for her, but doesn't really know how helpful we can be (for all the reasons I listed above). He's stated more than once the past two weeks that if she wants nothing to do with the baby, we should take our nephew in until she gets better.
He also hates her husband for downplaying his sister's emotions/signs/OBVIOUS FUCKING WARNINGS.
Betty, I think it would be a good idea for you to try to talk to her about it, even if you are unsure how receptive she will be. I say this because it sounds like your ILs aren't people who really understand depression and it may be better for her to hear it coming from someone who is approaching her with compassion and understanding/concern.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
You seem like a nice and reasonable person. If you think she could be a danger to not only her child, but YOUR daughter, then I think you really must take action.
I hope you can get someone to listen. Where is your DH in this?
He's really upset for her, but doesn't really know how helpful we can be (for all the reasons I listed above). He's stated more than once the past two weeks that if she wants nothing to do with the baby, we should take our nephew in until she gets better.
He also hates her husband for downplaying his sister's emotions/signs/OBVIOUS FUCKING WARNINGS.
If her DH won't even admit that he has a problem, I don't see him allowing the baby to be removed from his house and having to deal with the boat-rocking that will occur as a result.
Is your DH close with his parents, and is your SIL close with them as well? I think you have the right idea to express serious concern with your MIL.
You are a good SIL and are already an amazing aunt to your nephew. KOKO.
The lack of empathy astounds me. I was depressed the first couple week Rosie was born. I struggled. But I'm infertile, so I was supposed to be ecstatic! My brother threatened to have Rosie taken away from me even though I posed no harm to her.
Depression is a mind fuck. It twists your head in ways that you just can't comprehend. This poor woman obviously needs help in a big way. She needs love and support.