Betty, I'm pretty baffled at her H. How frustrating.
Is taking the baby for a little while something you would be willing to do? I know that's a huge leap of a question.
I've honestly never met someone drunk on his own perfume like my BIL. He's seriously the most selfish asshole. Even before this issue arose, family talked about how he was going to just ditch SIL and the baby any chance he got to go and have fun and have SIL do all the work. That is what their dynamic has grown to.
Oh god, Betty. How terrifying and saddening.
I was raised by a father just like this and he was disappointed that I wasn't male. Like, enough to take it out on me for my entire childhood.
Thank you for being a strong person and being willing to help out here. This child needs someone and I'm glad that you and your H are willing to keep tabs on the situation.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
I would skip it also, only because I would not want my baby to be around that crazy person. I don't think she will be bale to care for her child is this is what she's like now. I worry for that kid.
Someone needs a come to Jesus talk with her H as well! He's in complete denial that his wife needs help like, yesterday. Can your H's parents step in too? Someone needs to be the a-hole here, she/he may temporarily hate you, but there is something that needs to be done NOW.
I'm sorry that she had the balls to ask you not to bring O.
specifically, the parts about not having any interest in the baby? just to show them you aren't coming out of left field here. and I second making a call to her OB
I'm more concerned about the safety and well being of her child. She's going to have to get over her issues about having a boy. If she's this fucked in the head, I don't think she is mentally stable to handle any child, boy or girl. Her husband needs to stop being so passive about her condition, there are red flags waving all over! Girl needs professional help.
She needs to get into therapy to deal with this. It's not going to magically get better after the baby is born if she is struggling. I get that it is hard for her with O, but I think you should gently talk to her and tell her you love her and want her to enjoy her pregnancy and be healthy.
Was she struggling to get pregnant? Sorry, maybe I am confusing you with someone else.
Yes, they tried for ten years before having a viable pregnancy. She also miscarried when I was pregnant with O.
Could she still be struggling coming to terms with her miscarriage? Was she far enough along to know gender? Could that be the reason? No matter what, I think you are doing a great thing getting involved, she clearly needs help.
Post by juliagoulia on Oct 16, 2013 10:50:43 GMT -5
I'm really sorry Betty. I would skip out on the party- and I think your gut instinct to distance O from your SIL until she gets help is right. I hope you are able to do something to get her help. She's incredibly lucky to have someone like you who recognizes that this issue goes way beyond what is seen on the surface. I really want to shake her husband- I hope you guys can get through to him.
Post by mellimel19 on Oct 16, 2013 10:55:20 GMT -5
It sounds like her doctor knows something is up if he's given her a referral to a counselor. I would try to sit down with her husband and parents and impress on them the seriousness of the situation and stress the fact that even her doctor referred her to a counselor. This is much more than just a simple case of gender disappointment, and it sounds like she really needs the unified support of her family to get her help and get her through this, for the sake of her future child and herself.
Post by lizard1131 on Oct 16, 2013 10:58:43 GMT -5
I also wonder about her family mom, sister, cousin? Is there anyone on her side of the family that could step up, and talk to her? Even if she is hurt or pissed at you for awhile I think it is worth it. Hugs to you and her.
I'm glad you're able to hopefully gather some information to get her help. I wonder if a crisis pregnancy center or a women's shelter could help point you in the direction to find more information. I hope she's able to get the help she needs before the baby comes.
Okay. Then please explain your perspective to me. I have a number of close friends who have had miscarriages and have dealt with infertility, and I do feel upset when people take it out on the child when they are not the gender of preference (in this case, the OP's daughter is being treated poorly and there is a possibility that the son will be as well once he is born).
Even though I'm fully anti-SIL, I don't think that just because others suffered from loss/infertility (of which I am one) she should be all "oh yay, boy". I'm personally sickened b/c she's not seeking help. I'm suffering from pretty bad depression and I'm getting all the help I can get. b/c I love myself and love my boys and want to be the best I possibly can. I've had really, really really dark times and the thought of just going along and not getting help pretty much blows my mind. I just don't get people.
SIL is probably too depressed to have this kind of perspective. I'm so sorry to hear her husband isn't supportive.
You seem like a nice and reasonable person. If you think she could be a danger to not only her child, but YOUR daughter, then I think you really must take action.
I hope you can get someone to listen. Where is your DH in this?
He's really upset for her, but doesn't really know how helpful we can be (for all the reasons I listed above). He's stated more than once the past two weeks that if she wants nothing to do with the baby, we should take our nephew in until she gets better.
He also hates her husband for downplaying his sister's emotions/signs/OBVIOUS FUCKING WARNINGS.
Yes, they tried for ten years before having a viable pregnancy. She also miscarried when I was pregnant with O.
Could she still be struggling coming to terms with her miscarriage? Was she far enough along to know gender? Could that be the reason? No matter what, I think you are doing a great thing getting involved, she clearly needs help.
This was absolutely my first thought when you mentioned the infertility and recent miscarriage. Was the pregnancy she lost her first one?
I can only imagine that after 10 years, so many hopes and dreams would have been pinned on that pregnancy. If she knew that it was a girl or even just imagined it to be a girl, that could create so much havoc in her brain now that there is a little girl in the family but it isn't hers. (Of course NONE of that is your fault, or hers, but I wonder if looking at this through the lens of grief and loss might make it easier for her and the family to understand why she needs help.)
Post by pillowpants on Oct 16, 2013 11:18:46 GMT -5
Betty, you are an incredible SIL.
I know you mentioned that she doesn't have the best support system around her, but with you, it looks like she has a chance at finding help.
I don't know if this has been mentioned (I kind of glossed over some of the responses), but could you possibly talk to her in person about your concerns and then offer to go with her to her next OB appointment for support? Encourage her to talk to her OB who can then direct her to the appropriate help. Even if you just accompanied her to the doctor's office and not necessarily go in to the exam room with her, sometimes that is all the push you need to make something happen.
Also, I am seriously WTFing all of the "be grateful you are having a healthy kid" posts. Pregnancy is a mind fuck and completely different for each woman.
Holy crap to this thread. I'm amazed at the level of insensitivity.
I second the recommendation to call the OB. They can't give you but they will certainly listen to your concerns. I would also get more facts to present to MIL during your talk. You also might be the best person to talk to her since you seem to care and want help for her. That's what she needs from the people in her life. Support and understanding. Obviously you know this isn't normal and more than likely will not get better after baby is here unless she gets help now.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this Betty, but you are an amazing person for realizing she needs help and taking steps to help her. This is such a sad situation.
The only thing I have to offer as suggestions have already been stated. I think your SIL is lucky to have you and your h looking out for her well being.
Betty, I hope your SIL gets the help she needs and that the conversation with your in-laws goes well. You're a great SIL for being so supportive and trying to help.
Post by bugandbibs on Oct 16, 2013 12:25:51 GMT -5
This is a truly awful situation. I'm really sorry your SIL is going through this.
Can you call a local agency and have an evaluation done? I second calling her OB's office and being specific in your concerns about her behavior. Her doctor may not understand the serious nature of her (possible) depression or psychosis.
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