I am so sad for your SIL and your nephew, that she seems to have very few people around her, just you and your H, that are recognizing such a serious issue and wanting to step in. Is there anyone in SIL's family (parents, siblings, friends) you could contact if your IL's and Dbag BIL aren't willing to help out? I don't know your SIL at all, but I am so very worried about her and your unborn nephew. You and your H are awesome for wanting to intervene.
Is SIL your husband's sister? The only thing I can think of is he needs to have a CTJ talk with her about this. As you said, O is part of the family and it is completely unreasonable to think she won't be there for family events. I'd also mention this whole thing to her H and kindly but firmly insist that this is a really unhealthy attitude, and that they should possibly look into counseling.
This is the wrong subject for that talk, though. The issue is NOT that OP has a girl. The issue is that sil has mental health issues that need to be addressed, like, yesterday, and sil and her husband both don't seem to see this. Without trying to sound smug or snarky, I honestly and sincerely feel sorry for this child. I hope someone intervenes soon.
ETA: I'm all about reproductive rights and totally against all the "personhood" bs going around these days, so I feel sort of hypocritical mentioning this, but can CPS get involved in this kind of case before the baby's born? I suppose they can with substance abuse issues and whatnot, so it seems to me this might be one way to proceed.
I've talked about her before, she's pregnant and due in January with her first. It's a boy, and she's really upset about it. She texted H this morning asking if O would be coming with us to a family Halloween party she and her H throw. H says yes, and SIL expressed that it would be really hard for her if O was to attend.
I...don't really know what to do at this point. I think she's severely depressed, and I don't want to make her more upset by any means, plus it's her house so her rules regardless. At the same time, I know H's parents are going to be upset not seeing O, and I don't want them to give SIL a hard time and that also make her more upset. My ILs aren't the most sensitive people, and will make fun of her over this. She doesn't need that right now, at all.
Now I'm wondering about Thanksgiving and Christmas and how all that is going to play out.
Is SIL your husband's sister? I read the whole thread, but didn't see that answered. If she is NOT your husband's sister, can you contact her mother or family on her side?
I wonder if her miscarriage was a girl? Or a boy? Or if she had a feeling it was one or the other? Maybe she thought if it was a girl (or just had a feeling it was) that this baby would replace the one that was lost. If it was a boy (or she had a feeling it was) she is feeling guilty by "replacing" him.
You might want to ask her.
I'm heartbroken for her, I hope she gets help and understanding.
I'm so sorry she is going through this. It is a tough situation for you all.
You are right to be concerned, and you're a good sister-in-law for caring. That's what she needs: family wanting to provide support and help her, not loved ones who will ignore her or make fun of her. They suck.
I hope your SIL gets the help she needs ASAP, and that her husband stops dismissing her and starts giving her some support.
I wonder if her miscarriage was a girl? Or a boy? Or if she had a feeling it was one or the other? Maybe she thought if it was a girl (or just had a feeling it was) that this baby would replace the one that was lost. If it was a boy (or she had a feeling it was) she is feeling guilty by "replacing" him.
You might want to ask her.
I'm heartbroken for her, I hope she gets help and understanding.
This is what I was thinking too, or that it's just in general related to loss. My immediate thought was that it might not even really be about O being a girl, but that she's a live, healthy baby. If I were in SIL's position, I would be positively terrified until the moment I held my baby.
I sort of was her, in a sense, and it's really, really hard to embrace pregnancy when you've been suffering so long. It was work for me, and that had nothing to do with loving my baby. I was being controlled by fear and anxiety. Add the guilt on top of that. My heart is breaking for her right now, because I made it through that but I can easily see how one might not.
This makes sense to me.
I didn't embrace my pregnancy with O, she was after a loss too. I was basically kind of in denial about it. I was pretty much scared something was going to go horribly wrong right up until she was born. I can see how that kind of anxiety and fear can go down a different path.
Also, I believe she was around 10 weeks when she found out she miscarried. I don't really know for sure because she didn't want to talk about it with anyone.
Post by pixelpassion on Oct 16, 2013 14:14:47 GMT -5
Betty, what state does SIL live in? You could probably go on her state's 211 service. That website is a search engine for services that range from healthcare, mental health and child welfare. So you could probably find some sort of pregnancy crisis hotline.
Betty, you are truly a wonderful person. I really feel awful for your SIL and I hope she can get some help and peace of mind soon.
Post by lissaholly on Oct 16, 2013 14:26:03 GMT -5
I hop you can talk to her family. If they try to give you any BS implying that you aren't close enough to SIL or the situation to make any observations, assert your opinion and it is is valuable because you are objective enough to see the situation without any of the static surrounding it to hide it. There is a reason therapists are third person and although you aren't really an outsider, you are removed enough not to be biased.
I think your SIL is using gender as a rationalization for some off feelings. It is odd, and I really truly hope she gets help sooner than later to figure out why. Good luck!
I really truly hope you or someone in her family can get through to her to help her along and get her into the counseling she needs. I feel so bad for your SIL and I'm sure her dick of a husband isn't helping to make her feel better.
You are good people Betty and your husband.
However, wtf to mansplain and SMACE. My God, you two are nuts.
Post by stinkyfeet on Oct 16, 2013 15:13:11 GMT -5
My heat breaks for your sil. I agree with whoever said this really isn't about her baby's gender, it's more about attempting to deal with fear, anxiety and loss related to 10 years of infertility and loss. In your shoes, I'd call her OB and lay it all out there.
Good luck, she's lucky to have you. And so is your soon-to-be nephew!
Why does it have to be SO HARD to get access to mental health services? Ugh, I'm so frustrated that everyone around her is downplaying things, being insensitive and just generally blocking the potential for her to get help.
Post by bohemianmango on Oct 16, 2013 16:59:05 GMT -5
Sorry she's going through this. Sounds like you're doing what you can to protect O and your family while your SIL takes care of herself and gets better.
Do you know any of her good friends? Hopefully, there is someone else you and she can trust to talk with her and look out for her.
Was there any progress this weekend? I'm so heartbroken for her having been treated in the past for depression (and remained on my meds while pregnant so I could stay mentally healthy for my baby)
I remain so grateful that my husband insisted I go talk to my doctor at that time and continues to speak up whenever I seem to hit a rough patch. I'm just hoping her husband becomes that guy quickly.
Post by mrsukyankee on Oct 20, 2013 16:04:13 GMT -5
I hope that she gets some help with this. Attachment in the early months is so important for children and if she's THIS disassociated from the baby already, then it's not good news. I would definitely push as hard as you can for her to get help.