I've talked about her before, she's pregnant and due in January with her first. It's a boy, and she's really upset about it. She texted H this morning asking if O would be coming with us to a family Halloween party she and her H throw. H says yes, and SIL expressed that it would be really hard for her if O was to attend.
I...don't really know what to do at this point. I think she's severely depressed, and I don't want to make her more upset by any means, plus it's her house so her rules regardless. At the same time, I know H's parents are going to be upset not seeing O, and I don't want them to give SIL a hard time and that also make her more upset. My ILs aren't the most sensitive people, and will make fun of her over this. She doesn't need that right now, at all.
Now I'm wondering about Thanksgiving and Christmas and how all that is going to play out.
Um. I would skip the party. Maybe say that O has a cold and you're staying home. Has anyone discussed this issue with her husband and encouraged her to get some help?
I am worried for her son when he is born if she can't even handle being around a girl baby because she is so heartbroken about having a boy. She needs help. Now, before her baby is born.
Shit, this is so sad.
It really is. Her husband just downplays it that she'll get over it.
Are you close to her? Can you talk to her about your concerns? Most people have heard of postpartum depression, but not many know about depression during pregnancy.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Is SIL your husband's sister? The only thing I can think of is he needs to have a CTJ talk with her about this. As you said, O is part of the family and it is completely unreasonable to think she won't be there for family events. I'd also mention this whole thing to her H and kindly but firmly insist that this is a really unhealthy attitude, and that they should possibly look into counseling.
I dont' think I'd go. Her feeligns are entirely unreasonable, but that's not the point. Your child is not welcome because your SIL is nuts right now. Arrange for something else.
(and I mean none of you go. Not dh, not you, not the kid.) She's not well.
She needs to get into therapy to deal with this. It's not going to magically get better after the baby is born if she is struggling. I get that it is hard for her with O, but I think you should gently talk to her and tell her you love her and want her to enjoy her pregnancy and be healthy.
Was she struggling to get pregnant? Sorry, maybe I am confusing you with someone else.
I think you are really sweet for being sensitive to her and her emotions right now.
I don't flame people for being disappointed in having a girl when they wanted a boy, or the other way around. But it sounds like your SIL needs a little more help than just pointing out the pros of having a boy. Can your H suggest some therapy for her to his brother? If she is depressed now, I wonder what she will feel like post partum
If you don't mind missing the party, I would maybe find an excuse to stay home and plan another day with ILs.
Maybe by Tday and Christmas she will have had more time to get used to the idea of a boy. She can't hide form baby girls forever.
I dont' think I'd go. Her feeligns are entirely unreasonable, but that's not the point. Your child is not welcome because your SIL is nuts right now. Arrange for something else.
(and I mean none of you go. Not dh, not you, not the kid.) She's not well.
I can't even wrap my head around this. Someone being depressed because the healthy, thriving baby they are successfully carrying is a boy. Fuck her. I guess get her mental help or some shit.
I feel sorry for her poor baby.
Jesus. If she were mentally healthy, I get the "fuck her." But Betty says she probably isn't.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
Post by JayhawkGirl on Oct 16, 2013 9:11:38 GMT -5
That's beyond ridiculous. No O, no bettyhomewreckers-any of you. Is she just going to pretend your daughter doesn't exist from now on? That's a toxic situation for your child and you can protect her from it.
She needs help, this sets off major depression bells in my head. Some women are affected by depression during pregnancy, not just after w/ppd. Please someone talk to her husband and ask him to raise this concern w/her ob. She likely does not see it.
ETA I see she has a referral. Her DH needs a push that this is beyond not normal, very dangerous for her and the baby, and to please, please act now before delivery and newborn stress add significantly to the situation.
It would be one thing if she just didn't want any babies or kids at the party, but not wanting your daughter to come because it upsets her that you have a girl and she doesn't is messed up.
I wouldn't go at all.
And she needs help. I'm sorry, this must be hard for you and your H to deal with.
She needs to get into therapy to deal with this. It's not going to magically get better after the baby is born if she is struggling. I get that it is hard for her with O, but I think you should gently talk to her and tell her you love her and want her to enjoy her pregnancy and be healthy.
Was she struggling to get pregnant? Sorry, maybe I am confusing you with someone else.
Yes, they tried for ten years before having a viable pregnancy. She also miscarried when I was pregnant with O.
She needs help ASAP. Maybe you skip this party, but I would not let her dictate how future holidays go. But, honestly she needs major help. I worry about her son.
that's fucking horrible. i hope she is able to work this all out before her baby's born. is she seeing a therapist or anything?
I know her doctor has referred her to a counselor.
Is she seeing the counselor? This is beyond 'normal' a girl/boy would've been nice and its not going to get better on its own. Someone needs to have a CTJ talk with her H and make hime realize that then everyone can come together to supportively get SIL into therapy.
Post by vanillacourage on Oct 16, 2013 9:15:38 GMT -5
She really, really needs help. Sorry if I missed this, but is she your brother's wife or your DH's sister? Either way, someone needs to talk with the husband (and possibly her parents too, if they're not being supportive).
The fact that she is actually expressing that she wants you to leave O at home is really, really concerning.
It sounds like she has some issues she needs to work through with a professional. I would not attend the party. I would not cancel Christmas/Thanksgiving events due to her issues though. You and your child are very much part of the family, so it is unreasonable for her to dictate your attendance.
Perhaps she should think about women who go through infertility to get some perspective about her "gender disappointment." It seems like an entitled and dangerous attitude; I hope she can work through everything before the arrival of her son.
ETA: Oh, I see now that you mention that she has dealt with infertility. WTF, then?!!
She needs to get into therapy to deal with this. It's not going to magically get better after the baby is born if she is struggling. I get that it is hard for her with O, but I think you should gently talk to her and tell her you love her and want her to enjoy her pregnancy and be healthy.
Was she struggling to get pregnant? Sorry, maybe I am confusing you with someone else.
Yes, they tried for ten years before having a viable pregnancy. She also miscarried when I was pregnant with O.
Well, it's easy for me to say she should just be happy to finally have a healthy baby... but I know that my emotions were all over the place when I got pregnant, both times. There could be a lot of pent up emotions, anger, sadness who knows what that she's never dealt with. Pregnancy can bring all this out.
I hope that she is able to find the help that she needs.
It's not your job to shelter her from the inevitable pain, she's going to have a boy and she's going to have to deal with the emotions that come with it. You are very nice and thoughtful to try and be as gentle as possible through this. Wish you were my SIL!
I worry about her son, I seriously worry about her hurting herself or O.
I can't be mad at her. She really, truly is a wonderful person. She's sick and she needs help. I feel bad that she doesn't have a support system with the family members that live near her. We don't. I think it will get worse after the baby is here. She's never even expressed a gender preference before, so it's not that she had dreams of a little girl. She's even said that herself. I'm concerned that she is having severe psychosis.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
I worry about her son, I seriously worry about her hurting herself or O.
I can't be mad at her. She really, truly is a wonderful person. She's sick and she needs help. I feel bad that she doesn't have a support system with the family members that live near her. We don't. I think it will get worse after the baby is here. She's never even expressed a gender preference before, so it's not that she had dreams of a little girl. She's even said that herself. I'm concerned that she is having severe psychosis.
Hugs to you and your family. I will say some prayers that you all make it through this time together, safely. XOXO
Post by themysteriouswife on Oct 16, 2013 9:19:05 GMT -5
I wonder if this is her way to cope, if something were to happen with the baby. If she ignores the fact she is having a boy and plays up I wanted a girl, it will be easier to cope. If any of that makes sense.
I think it is time to have a family meeting with the H. He needs to understand this is serious. I hope the best for all of you.
I worry about her son, I seriously worry about her hurting herself or O.
I can't be mad at her. She really, truly is a wonderful person. She's sick and she needs help. I feel bad that she doesn't have a support system with the family members that live near her. We don't. I think it will get worse after the baby is here. She's never even expressed a gender preference before, so it's not that she had dreams of a little girl. She's even said that herself. I'm concerned that she is having severe psychosis.
Can you talk to her H and make him realize that this is serious and something he needs to help her with?
I know some people don't understand depression and think the other person can just snap out of it or get over it. It seems like your BIL might be one of these people.
“Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make it so, right in the middle of it lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce.” - Natalie Goldberg
I worry about her son, I seriously worry about her hurting herself or O.
I can't be mad at her. She really, truly is a wonderful person. She's sick and she needs help. I feel bad that she doesn't have a support system with the family members that live near her. We don't. I think it will get worse after the baby is here. She's never even expressed a gender preference before, so it's not that she had dreams of a little girl. She's even said that herself. I'm concerned that she is having severe psychosis.
i don't think this is really about gender I think she is seriously depressed and the gender issue is what she has latched onto as a focus for her feelings. Is there anyway to get her H or her parents to step up and help her?