Okay. Then please explain your perspective to me. I have a number of close friends who have had miscarriages and have dealt with infertility, and I do feel upset when people take it out on the child when they are not the gender of preference (in this case, the OP's daughter is being treated poorly and there is a possibility that the son will be as well once he is born).
Perspective: It's shitty to assume that her strong feelings about this are just because she's a bitch, when betty specifically indicated she wasn't and said she was struggling.
Perspective: It's shitty to foist your own issues and experiences onto someone else's experience, because what is true for one person is not true for another.
Perspective: It's shitty to automatically assume that the "gender preference" is something silly and selfish, when in reality MOST gender preference issues indicate some level of hormonal imbalance or depression.
Perspective: It's shitty to assume automatically that the OP's SIL is just a terrible person instead of reading, absorbing, internalizing, and analyzing the information she gave, all of which indicates to the contrary.
I do not think the OP's SIL is a terrible person. That is not what I was intending in my post; rather I am worried about the child once he is born. Perhaps there are mental issues at play; perhaps there are not. I don't know why the post got diverted into attacking me; can we please just get back to offering the OP support? That was my intention.
I really hope that your conversation with MIL is productive today and you are able to get everyone on the same page. It's obvious that your SIL needs help and she needs to get it NOW, before the baby gets here.
JFC mansplain and SMACE you guys are going on my fucking post-it
SERIOUSLY
Betty, I'm so sorry. I hope that you're able to bring this up with the IL's so that someone else can be aware of how unhealthy this is and can support her in getting help. My heart just breaks for your SIL. That's got to be so so SO hard.
Okay. Then please explain your perspective to me. I have a number of close friends who have had miscarriages and have dealt with infertility, and I do feel upset when people take it out on the child when they are not the gender of preference (in this case, the OP's daughter is being treated poorly and there is a possibility that the son will be as well once he is born).
Even though I'm fully anti-SIL, I don't think that just because others suffered from loss/infertility (of which I am one) she should be all "oh yay, boy". I'm personally sickened b/c she's not seeking help. I'm suffering from pretty bad depression and I'm getting all the help I can get. b/c I love myself and love my boys and want to be the best I possibly can. I've had really, really really dark times and the thought of just going along and not getting help pretty much blows my mind. I just don't get people.
Thanks for explaining, SMACE. I wish you the best.
Okay. Then please explain your perspective to me. I have a number of close friends who have had miscarriages and have dealt with infertility, and I do feel upset when people take it out on the child when they are not the gender of preference (in this case, the OP's daughter is being treated poorly and there is a possibility that the son will be as well once he is born).
My perspective? You are a huge dick.
But anyway, here are some helpful hints to help you comprehend Betty's post:
-Not everyone deals with infertility the same way -SIL DIDN"T CARE about gender preference. This is a new alarming thing -Infertility can cause major depression issues -10 years of trying and now almost having a baby that SIL has wanted for so long is a huge emotional mind fuck. Betty's SIL isn't dealing with it the same way your friends have. Get over it. -Betty gets that SIL is treating O poorly and may treat her son poorly, that's why she posted in here. To ask for ways to HELP HER STRUGGLING MENTALLY ILL SIL. -Betty's comments in follow up posts clearly show that SIL is not a bitch or an awful woman. She is not well.
Please STFU if you still want to carry on about SIL just being a bitch.
I can't imagine how scary it would be to go through so many years of trying, then a miscarriage, and then the feelings she's having now.
I would be afraid of people judging me for having any feeling other than bliss about this pregnancy after trying so long. If I were depressed, I would likely try to hide it. Like others have already said, I really doubt this has anything to do with the sex of the baby. Maybe SIL knows she is unwell. Maybe she is trying to dismiss her own feelings and shade them under gender disappointment.
I don't know, Betty, maybe she needs someone to be brutally honest and tell her straight up that this is not normal and she needs to seek help. Maybe that person needs to be you because it sounds like nobody else will. If it ruins your relationship, so be it, you're not going to have a relationship with her if she can't be around O anyway.
That's a good point. I might say some of what you said here. That you're supportive and you're on her side but excluding your daughter from family events isn't the solution and if she is this upset seeing O then its time for her to get some assistance to work through her feelings.
How awful for all of you, especially your SIL. I can't imagine much more isolation than having obvious mental health issues but a husband that brushes them off and in-laws that mock you.
I agree that all of you staying home is the best idea, and I also think trying to find out who her doctor is and giving them a call would not be out of line. Good luck talking to your in-laws today - I'm really hoping you can get them to understand this goes beyond regular gender disappointment and requires real attention/alarm.
I do not think the OP's SIL is a terrible person. That is not what I was intending in my post; rather I am worried about the child once he is born. Perhaps there are mental issues at play; perhaps there are not. I don't know why the post got diverted into attacking me; can we please just get back to offering the OP support? That was my intention.
It backfired. Obviously.
We're all worried about the child, because ONLY A MOTHER WHO WAS MENTALLY ILL WOULD HARM OR NEGLECT OR TREAT BADLY THEIR OWN INFANT.
Ok. I am not above putting my foot in my mouth on occasion. I hope the OP is not offended by any statement I've made here.
Okay. Then please explain your perspective to me. I have a number of close friends who have had miscarriages and have dealt with infertility, and I do feel upset when people take it out on the child when they are not the gender of preference (in this case, the OP's daughter is being treated poorly and there is a possibility that the son will be as well once he is born).
Even though I'm fully anti-SIL, I don't think that just because others suffered from loss/infertility (of which I am one) she should be all "oh yay, boy". I'm personally sickened b/c she's not seeking help. I'm suffering from pretty bad depression and I'm getting all the help I can get. b/c I love myself and love my boys and want to be the best I possibly can. I've had really, really really dark times and the thought of just going along and not getting help pretty much blows my mind. I just don't get people.
What an absolutely fucking shitty thing to say SMACE. Obviously SIL would love her baby (thats she's been trying to have for 10 years!) if she were well. She obviously isn't in a place where she can even recognize how unstable she is to even reach out and get help. WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR SOME OF YOU TO UNDERSTAND??!
This poor woman. I hope she gets some help. I agree with what MWOS said about rallying the troops and that's all you can do. This is terrifying and I can't imagine how she is feeling.
Also, mansplain, are you from the bump? Because you reek of it.
I'd skip Halloween but have a heart to heart talk with her with if you're close enough about future family gatherings. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here soon. If those holidays are important to you I'm sure you're going to want your daughter to see her family those days. Your SIL is going to have to cope with seeing your daughter by then.
*just finished the thread. I'd just skip Halloween, which you're doing anyway, and encourage her to seek counseling.
Betty, I'm pretty baffled at her H. How frustrating.
Is taking the baby for a little while something you would be willing to do? I know that's a huge leap of a question.
I've honestly never met someone drunk on his own perfume like my BIL. He's seriously the most selfish asshole. Even before this issue arose, family talked about how he was going to just ditch SIL and the baby any chance he got to go and have fun and have SIL do all the work. That is what their dynamic has grown to.
Taking the baby would be something we'd be willing to do, but we would speak with a counselor beforehand and probably during. I'm not trying to undermine SIL as a mom, and would only want to contribute a healthy role for all involved in this issue. PP asked if her H would let us, and honestly I don't know, but he's such a dick cheese I honestly think he'd say yes just to not deal with a newborn.
If this is going to be an ongoing issue with her, I'd try to nip it in the bud now before it gets worse. Your kid is always going to be female and her baby is always going to be male. Where do you draw the line, Christmas, family weddings? I would not indulge her in this ridiculous behavior.
Ok. I am not above putting my foot in my mouth on occasion. I hope the OP is not offended by any statement I've made here.
I just think it's interesting that you claim you don't have any idea if there are mental issues at play here, but you're concerned for the baby. It doesn't jive. Clearly you do think there are mental issues involved if you think she'd be capable of harming or neglecting the baby. Because if you think she's sane and contemplating this, you'd be insinuating that she's a monster.
No, honestly I was just thinking in terms of favoritism and general treatment of the kid (I was probably too vague). I wasn't assuming harm or neglect, which if mental illness is an issue could be a concern.
No, honestly I was just thinking in terms of favoritism and general treatment of the kid (I was probably too vague). I wasn't assuming harm or neglect, which if mental illness is an issue could be a concern.
You think someone who exhibits favortism towards children based on gender isn't mentally ill in some respect? Or someone who treats the child less well than they would otherwise? Interesting.
No. I believe that it depends on the extent or degree. There is a sociologist who published a study in the early 2000's showing that the majority of mothers state having a stronger bond with one child over another (as well as giving more attention, etc.), and this was unrelated to a number of factors (one of which was a series of indicators tapping into mental well-being).
You think someone who exhibits favortism towards children based on gender isn't mentally ill in some respect? Or someone who treats the child less well than they would otherwise? Interesting.
No. I believe that it depends on the extent or degree. There is a sociologist who published a study in the early 2000's showing that the majority of mothers state having a stronger bond with one child over another (as well as giving more attention, etc.), and this was unrelated to a number of factors (one of which was a series of indicators tapping into mental well-being).
specifically, the parts about not having any interest in the baby? just to show them you aren't coming out of left field here. and I second making a call to her OB
Last Edit: Oct 16, 2013 10:18:20 GMT -5 by pedanticwench
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