New Relationship....Advice. All signs say no!

[jigsy]

[bluejen22]

Yes, I just need to back away. He has more problems than I can solve. I told him he has to be the one who wants to change. He asked Monday night before this incident if I would help him be a better person....

[Deleted]

Apr 20, 2016 13:05:07 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

Yes, I just need to back away. He has more problems than I can solve. I told him he has to be the one who wants to change. He asked Monday night before this incident if I would help him be a better person....

Yeah they aren't your problems to solve. They are his. Only he can solve them. 

[glynn]

NOOOOO... Just to be sure Noooooooooooooooo. Everything he asks the answer is NO.

[jojoandleo]

I feel like you might be a fixer. Like, you see the good (which is a good thing) and think you can change him/help him/make him better. Not to be a bitch, but you can't. He has to WANT to change, and he obviously doesn't want to. I tenth the therapy suggestions. As someone who has also been a fixer, in a family full of fixers (hence why my family has more marriages in a family of 6 than the Duggars)therapy is a life saver. You need to get to the bottom of why you felt the need to ASK whether you should dump a guy who gets black out drunk and pees himself. A guy you have to HELP WITH HIS LAUNDRY. A guy you felt the need to go to his home and check on when he is a grown adult. Therapy will help you figure out why you would ever begin dating, let alone consider staying, with this man and how to break that habit.

[bluejen22]

I'm just going to take some time off and see how it goes. If he doesn't put forth any effort, I'm done.

[Deleted]

He's going to put forth effort when he needs things. Laundry. Sex. A place to pee.

[bluejen22]

I don't think he's a bad person. I just know he needs MORE HELP than I can give him.

[FormerlyRR]

Apr 20, 2016 13:21:03 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

He's going to put forth effort when he needs things. Laundry. Sex. A place to pee.

dead

[pinkdutchtulips]

Girl, SPRINT !!!! the other direction !!! This guy offers no value to your life and given his criminal record (3 DUIs) he'll have a devil of a time securing employment.

I'm saying this as someone who blatantly ignored the BIG HUGE RED FLAGS and spent 12 1/2 years w a recovering meth addict (who relapsed after 15 years effectively ending our marriage) who had a lengthy criminal record (he cherry picked what parts of it he told me about, had I known the ENTIRE story we would have never lasted) and before the epic meth relapse was an alcoholic. Now I pay attention to red flags - DUIs, peeing on one's self bc they're THAT drunk ... yeah there's the door, bye !

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 20, 2016 13:05:07 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

Yes, I just need to back away. He has more problems than I can solve. I told him he has to be the one who wants to change. He asked Monday night before this incident if I would help him be a better person....

are you not dating my xh bc that is something he told me repeatedly !!!

This guy needs to help himself and you need to back the hell away from him so he can do it. No hanging out, no favors - cut the cord.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 20, 2016 13:30:24 GMT -5 FormerlyRR said:

Apr 20, 2016 13:21:03 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

He's going to put forth effort when he needs things. Laundry. Sex. A place to pee.

dead

giggle snort

[doriswe]

Apr 20, 2016 13:17:22 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

I'm just going to take some time off and see how it goes. If he doesn't put forth any effort, I'm done.

I'm going to agree with the others that therapy is a really good thing. The fact that you'd wait around to see if this train wreck puts forth effort is terrifying.

[katieido]

Ask yourself why you are so invested in this hopeless loser after practically no time at all. Dump him yesterday, seriously.

I'll say it, I fear you need to not date for a much longer time, and get your own ducks in a row. This story is very alarming.

[bluejen22]

Good thing my older brother is moving in, in a couple months.

[doriswe]

Don't wait for your brother to move in to start making healthier decisions for yourself. Please.

[jojoandleo]

Apr 20, 2016 13:17:22 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

I'm just going to take some time off and see how it goes. If he doesn't put forth any effort, I'm done.

Girl, no. You know what they tell you in Al Anon and AA?  A recovering addict should NOT be in a new relationship for AT LEAST a year. So, no.  You are doing neither him, nor you, any favors by staying. Cut the damn cord and move the fuck on.

[bluejen22]

I have truly realized how screwed up other people are. One guy that I was interested in and became a total psych- unfriending me on facebook, etc. told me through snapchat last weekend that he would hang out with me only if there was "f***ing happening."

[katieido]

no, no, no. You don't owe him anything and are not obligated to help him. He is practically a stranger. Wtf.

[bluejen22]

I am really not this dumb. I just make bad decisions when it comes to men. My ex husband wasn't a bad guy at all.

[doriswe]

Apr 20, 2016 14:06:21 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

I have truly realized how screwed up other people are. One guy that I was interested in and became a total psych- unfriending me on facebook, etc. told me through snapchat last weekend that he would hang out with me only if there was "f***ing happening."

I say this as nicely as possible, but what's the common denominator?

I had some very weird interactions with dudes when I was in a very fucked up place mentally. Not that these guys were normal or anything but my own ish was getting in my way of finding good, healthy, well adjusted guys. I took time away from dating, focused on me and got my self together and now if I see one of those dudes, I next him without batting an eye.  Because I know they're not worth the effort.   

[doglove]

Apr 20, 2016 12:33:00 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

I'm thinking of packing up all his shit tonight and telling him he needs to get it.

Packing up his $hit? How are you even at this point in a "relationship" when your divorce was fast tracked last fall? I think really you need to pump the brakes and take time to be okay with yourself. If you're settling for this garbage, it's telling me you aren't okay being alone with yourself. 

[doglove]

Apr 20, 2016 12:39:31 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm stuck on why you already had waterproof mattress cover on your bed. Is that a normal thing?

That's normal, it helps prevent moisture from getting to the mattress - like night sweating. I'm a huge night sweater and don't want to ruin my mattress. 

[doglove]

Apr 20, 2016 12:56:58 GMT -5 jigsy said:

#truth.

OMG I can't with this thread, I just can't. 

[doglove]

Apr 20, 2016 14:06:21 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

I have truly realized how screwed up other people are. One guy that I was interested in and became a total psych- unfriending me on facebook, etc. told me through snapchat last weekend that he would hang out with me only if there was "f***ing happening."

You need a full stop. You are attracting these people because you are not in a healthy place to date. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 20, 2016 14:06:21 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

I have truly realized how screwed up other people are. One guy that I was interested in and became a total psych- unfriending me on facebook, etc. told me through snapchat last weekend that he would hang out with me only if there was "f***ing happening."

be thankful he unfriended you you don't need that type of bsc in your life

[jojoandleo]

None of us are saying these things to be mean. I went through a low point in my life and I dated some of the worst men ever. Once I got therapy and was in a healthy frame of mind, I started attracting men actually worth dating. Only a hot mess wants to date a hot mess. If you are okay with dating this guy, you are a hot mess. Full stop on the dating. Go to therapy. Sort your ish out. You will be so much happier in the long run.

Don't just consider dumping a BF of THREE FREAKING WEEKS (girl, three weeks isn't long enough to stick through this level of BSC) and actually do it. Then stop dating. Go to therapy. Go directly to therapy. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

[bluejen22]

I have worked so hard on getting my finances worked out since I divorced. My credit has jumped from 675 (bad) to 740. I am getting credit cards paid off; I have money in savings again. I am working 2 jobs because I kept my house and my new (er) car.

[Deleted]

Apr 20, 2016 14:30:40 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

None of us are saying these things to be mean. I went through a low point in my life and I dated some of the worst men ever. Once I got therapy and was in a healthy frame of mind, I started attracting men actually worth dating. Only a hot mess wants to date a hot mess. If you are okay with dating this guy, you are a hot mess. Full stop on the dating. Go to therapy. Sort your ish out. You will be so much happier in the long run.

Don't just consider dumping a BF of THREE FREAKING WEEKS (girl, three weeks isn't long enough to stick through this level of BSC) and actually do it. Then stop dating. Go to therapy. Go directly to therapy. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Well said. Thank you for this. That's like one of those things that seem obvious once you know but this is a light bulb moment for me. 

[bluejen22]

Most men would (probably) be lucky to get a chance to be with me. and here I am settling..