... He said he had no intention of leaving, and he reiterated that last night and said that he didn't want us to use our finances as a "weapon" which is easy for him to say since he's the one who makes the most money. My job wouldn't come close to paying the bills if he left, and he knows that.
He does realize that if you leave with the kids he'll have to pay child support, right? You are not some captive having to stay with him just so your kids can eat.
I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I'm just an Internet stranger but I'm sending you the strongest bout of telepathic strength I can muster. Whatever you decide to do, whether stay or leave, and however long you need to make that decision, you've got a bunch of "friends" behind you.
A friend recommended an attorney already. I'm calling her Tuesday morning.
My kids are young - one in early elementary, one younger than that.
I emptied out one bank account (which wasn't much) to pay for our child's preschool tuition. I took $500 out of the other account which was the most the ATM would let me withdraw. He must have gotten an alert on his phone or something because he called me about an hour later to ask if I'd taken that money out of the account and what my "intentions" were and whether I was coming back. I told him that if I was leaving, he'd know because I'd take the kids. I told him I took the money to make sure that if he cleaned out the bank account and left that I'd be able to feed our children.
He said he had no intention of leaving, and he reiterated that last night and said that he didn't want us to use our finances as a "weapon" which is easy for him to say since he's the one who makes the most money. My job wouldn't come close to paying the bills if he left, and he knows that.
Good on you for acting on the accounts like that, and frankly if he starts asking questions along the lines of "what are your intentions?" I'd remind him that any pertinent questions of that nature must pend until meeting with the therapist. Unless, of course, he's ready to answer the question of what his intentions were in his actions with women he is not married to.
Post by hopecounts on Sept 2, 2012 12:42:49 GMT -5
Be careful. It sounds like he thinks he has you over a barrel financially. My dad was a dick when my mom stopped putting up with his crap and emptied our college savings accounts and their savings then hid the money. To the extent that he was able to buy a prop plane with it.
Just make sure you protect yourself as much as possible financially and physically while you figure things out.
I think some of the other posters are being naive about the finances.
If OP is a trailing spouse/SAH Child Support isn't going to keep her anywhere near to the lifestyle she and her kids are currently enjoying. If the DH makes $100k/yr at most she's probably going to get $25/yr in CS. $100k for a family of 4 is a very different lifestyle than 25K for 3.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Sept 2, 2012 12:52:41 GMT -5
OP can also request spousal support if they've been married long enough, though. Plus, legally she's entitled to half of his retirement if he has any banked away. There are ways to land on your feet.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
I'm so so sorry you're dealing with this. He's been lying for a while, and sometimes that becomes a defense mechanism. He knows you're on the edge of leaving or staying, and maybe he's afraid one more detail will send you running, so he keeps lying. Yesterday you said you wanted to make it work. If that's the case, give him the opportunity to work through some shit with the therapist. I'm not defending him at all; I'm just saying that both of your worlds blew up just a few days ago, and probably neither of you know what the fuck to do. It may be totally obvious to you what HE should do, but not to him. you both need time to process and work it through.
You don't need to make any decisions today or tomorrow. Just give yourself some time and keep yourself safe. Good luck.
I would not be bringing this to the therapist, I would be bringing this up to your divorce lawyer. This is not a marriage that will be saved. He is not interested in honesty, rebuilding trust and has no real remose and certainly is not working hard to make up for his mis deeds. I am so sorry, this has happened to you. You deserve better. See a good divorce lawyer ASAP if you have not yet done so and get advice on how to protect yourself. Then move on.
I wouls look at it like "if he cheated once he will do it again". More importantly to realize THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR MORE THAN A YEAR, this isn't some I just slipped up one time deal. He repeatedly, over and over went to someone else besides you. I would also really think about what I want in life. Such as do you think your life could be better, fuller, happier feeling that wwithout him? I also do not think children benefit from parents who say together just because of them, kids can tell when something is wrong with their parent's relationship. If you stay do you want to have a constant nagging feeling that he'll do it again? Really think about these things please.
We're all here for you. If you need or want us to form a shanking brigade, I'll be first in line.
(((hugs)))
This. You said you talked to your mom - do you haver her or at least one other confidante "on call" for bouncing your stuff off of? I mean, I know we're simply awesome but having a real live person who can be your shoulder and sounding board (and who isn't paid to do so) will be hugely beneficial to you.
Umm...In my opinion you should leave him. Obviously I don't know most stuff - no one can from an internet board, and even knowing you personally wouldn't be a guide because everyone has their own very personal stuff that only they can understand in a relationship. So feel free to tell me to STFU, but honestly, he has broken the trust, and no matter what happens now, you will always be suspicious, even in years time.
The fact that he is frantically deleting stuff and repeatedly not coming clean is more worrying. I doubt you will ever get to the bottom of it. It sounds to me like he is protecting himself as much as possible - in other words, he is still looking out for himself before you.
I think you need to put yourself and your kids first. They are young enough that leaving now would be hard, but in a few years time it will be even harder.
I would also play your cards VERY close to your chest. See a lawyer, yes, but don't tell him of any of your decisions whatever you decide to do. And don't make any ultimatums at this point because I think if you push hard, he will leave. It is better if he leaves on your terms than his, and it is better if you get yourself into a position where you are in control.
I understand the desire to fix things, and how heartbreaking it must be. And I know I sound mercenary. But thats my opinion.
Best wishes and good luck whatever you decide to do.
Yes, I have other friends I've told. I refuse to keep this a secret for him. It's taken an enormous amount of restraint to not post it all over facebook or blog about how I'm feeling or to email his parents and sibling to tell them that he's a lying, cheating, bastard. I'm trying to give myself some time before I do anything drastic or that I might regret.
At least one of my "real life" friends has dealt with infidelity in a marriage, and she's being very supportive. Another friend went through a messy divorce in my state, and I'm learning from her advice. As far as legal stuff goes, my closest relatives are out of state, and I don't dare take the kids there because if this does fall apart, I don't want to be accused of taking the kids and fleeing the state. KWIM? I also don't want to be seen as legally abandoning the house.
In terms of finances, I've already looked at the child support calculator, and what I can get from his is, frankly, not much. The financial situation is not great. I've tentatively mapped out the best possible way to make it work, but I need to talk to a lawyer to find out if that's realistic or not. If we divorce, I'd likely get spousal support while the divorce is pending, but not after. As far as his comment goes, I think he wanted to know if I was running out the door and taking what I could money-wise with me. I told him I wasn't planning to leave - which at this point is still true - and I agreed with him about not using our finances as a weapon. I don't want to have to take everything out of the bank as soon as the bills are paid, but I'm also not willing to leave myself completely out of cash either if something were to happen.
One other thing - the more people you tell, the more ashamed he will be. I think many men take pride in how they are perceived, so if you tell everyone, that will make him more likely to throw in the towel and leave. I am not saying he doesn't deserve to be ashamed - far from it - but from his point of view, how will he be able to deal with all of your friends and family if they all know he is a lying cheating SOB? Might be easier to run.
Post by thebulldog on Sept 2, 2012 13:44:54 GMT -5
while i want to punch this guy in the face as much as anyone one, please don't go the facebook/public shaming route just yet. this is a fresh wound for both of you (dickhead probably thought he wouldn't get caught) and while I am not talking about sparing his feelings at all (AT ALL)...that will just spur a whole bunch of question and feedback from people you are probably just not ready to answer. there will be a time for a douchebag unveiling.....that time is not yet. meanwhile, keep leaning on real-life friends, your mom etc and of course us.
I think MrsAxilla has a good point. Not to excuse his behavior thus far or anything, but what's obvious to us (him being up front about everything to you ) may not be obvious to him. He's like the kid who got caught w/ his hand in the cookie jaw and the first instinct is to cover up no matter what (for lack of a better analogy). There's a lot of good advice in this thread-get what you can financially in order, talk to a lawyer, talk to your OB, talk to a therapist, look out for yourself. Round up your support system-you'l find out who is really there for you and who isn't. Don't make it all about the kids either b/c they need a mother who is strong & able to get through this for them-if you don't help yourself first, you can't help anyone else either. Maybe focusing on the logistical, rational end of getting all your ducks in a row will give you some time until you can really process this emotionally, if this makes sense. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart is breaking for you right now. :hugs:
ETA: I think Reeve also makes some very good points.
while i want to punch this guy in the face as much as anyone one, please don't go the facebook/public shaming route just yet. this is a fresh wound for both of you (dickhead probably thought he wouldn't get caught) and while I am not talking about sparing his feelings at all (AT ALL)...that will just spur a whole bunch of question and feedback from people you are probably just not ready to answer. there will be a time for a douchebag unveiling.....that time is not yet. meanwhile, keep leaning on real-life friends, your mom etc and of course us.
I agree with this. We have some friends who recently went through something similar, although it was the wife who was cheating. Many people didn't find out the truth until after the divorce was set in motion and this was for the best. As people close to the situation, I know it would have colored our relationship with them as a couple and, eventually, made continuing our friendships with them almost impossible. In the divorce we kept the friendship with the one we were closest with (and who wasn't a lying, cheating, back stabbing loser) but had the reconciled, we would not have been able to comfortably hang out with them as a couple.
Anyway, if you want to reconcile, which it sounds like you do, wait on the court of public opinion. If you stay together, you may always have friends who will not forgive, even if you have, and it may make another difficult dynamic that you shouldn't have to deal with.
Anyway, if you want to reconcile, which it sounds like you do, wait on the court of public opinion. If you stay together, you may always have friends who will not forgive, even if you have, and it may make another difficult dynamic that you shouldn't have to deal with.
I agree with this. Make sure you are venting to the right people.
michellebelle can't log on from her phone, but she wanted me to post this for her: I didn't catch who worriedae is but I feel desperate to tell her to pull together all their financial records and a significant sum of money asap in case he leaves and she needs the cash to pay bills, etc. My step dad left my mom and tried to scam her and she had no records because he took them ALL. She got lucky that she found some really important records in an old tote bag and folded into a book but didn't tell him until after he tried to screw her royally in court. He would have walked away with their most valuable property and assets and had been planning that for some time and she had NO CLUE. They were married 15 yrs.
Thank you for all of the advice. Surviving Infidelity recommends making the affair public (ie, letting family and close friends know so they'll apply pressure to the "wayward spouse" and basically convince him to stop dicking around. IDK how effective that is. My main concern right now isn't whether my friends still like him later. KWIM?
I'd like to throw his clothes into the front yard and start a giant bonfire. Or call him a cheating bastard on his FB wall. Or something along those lines. But that doesn't really solve any of our problems, it's bad for the kids, and even if it made me feel better, that would just be a temporary improvement in my mood.
Thank you for all of the advice. Surviving Infidelity recommends making the affair public (ie, letting family and close friends know so they'll apply pressure to the "wayward spouse" and basically convince him to stop dicking around. IDK how effective that is. My main concern right now isn't whether my friends still like him later. KWIM?
I'd like to throw his clothes into the front yard and start a giant bonfire. Or call him a cheating bastard on his FB wall. Or something along those lines. But that doesn't really solve any of our problems, it's bad for the kids, and even if it made me feel better, that would just be a temporary improvement in my mood.
My cousin posted earlier this week that his life is over, his heart ripped out, etc. it was a vague FB post but lead me to suspect something was wrong with his marriage.
I called his sister and said he'd left a cryptic message and someone should check on him.
She told me they were having a tiff and he was being dramatic, but now family he sees once a year are wondering what's up.
Later that day he changed his relationship status to "it's complicated" and this morning it was back to "married".
I really could have done without knowing because now at T-day I'm going to want to ask "what did y'all fight about back in August"
Post by jessuhmarie on Sept 2, 2012 15:11:18 GMT -5
On the bank account issue, I would open an account in just your name at the same bank so you can transfer money out at a moments notice without having to go to the bank or ATM (you can do it by phone or online banking through most banks). You don't HAVE to, but if you ever felt threatened, you can take what you need to survive and he can't do a thing about it. He wouldn't even know that you have the account. I would start saving for the "just in case" since you mentioned that your pay wouldn't cover the bills.
I'm sorry I don't have any other advice. I am so sorry anyone has to go through something like this!
ETA I have a lot of banking experience and I've seen joint owners clean out accounts and leave the other person totally screwed and wanting their money back and there's nothing they can do about it.
I think there's a marked difference between telling the people close to you who can lend support, help with your options, etc and blasting him to every person you know. OP, it sounds like you've got a great handle on this distinction.
I'm no help on surviving infidelity's advice. My only thoughts on that is that I'm not sure he has any shame left for one and two, I'd rather dude come to Jesus on his own than mommy tell him he's being a bad boy. At that point, it's like making an unrepentant kid apologize to his sister in terms of sincerity and in how likely they are to steal all their crayons.