Thank you for all of the advice. Surviving Infidelity recommends making the affair public (ie, letting family and close friends know so they'll apply pressure to the "wayward spouse" and basically convince him to stop dicking around. IDK how effective that is. My main concern right now isn't whether my friends still like him later. KWIM?
I'd like to throw his clothes into the front yard and start a giant bonfire. Or call him a cheating bastard on his FB wall. Or something along those lines. But that doesn't really solve any of our problems, it's bad for the kids, and even if it made me feel better, that would just be a temporary improvement in my mood.
I'm no expert on this, but this doesn't sound sustainable. Tell everyone so that he's shamed and pressured into doing the right thing? He wouldnt' be being true to himself, you, or your kids and in the long run, I highly doubt it will solve anything, just prolong things and create more problems, if that's possible.
Umm...In my opinion you should leave him. Obviously I don't know most stuff - no one can from an internet board, and even knowing you personally wouldn't be a guide because everyone has their own very personal stuff that only they can understand in a relationship. So feel free to tell me to STFU, but honestly, he has broken the trust, and no matter what happens now, you will always be suspicious, even in years time.
The fact that he is frantically deleting stuff and repeatedly not coming clean is more worrying. I doubt you will ever get to the bottom of it. It sounds to me like he is protecting himself as much as possible - in other words, he is still looking out for himself before you.
I think you need to put yourself and your kids first. They are young enough that leaving now would be hard, but in a few years time it will be even harder.
I would also play your cards VERY close to your chest. See a lawyer, yes, but don't tell him of any of your decisions whatever you decide to do. And don't make any ultimatums at this point because I think if you push hard, he will leave. It is better if he leaves on your terms than his, and it is better if you get yourself into a position where you are in control.
I understand the desire to fix things, and how heartbreaking it must be. And I know I sound mercenary. But thats my opinion.
Best wishes and good luck whatever you decide to do.
+100%
I'm sorry AE, but I think you need to start preparing to be on your own. I don't say that lightly because your H sounds just like my serial-cheating exH. The more shit he tried to cover up, the more stuff came out.
It sounds like he's leading a double life. Quite frankly, you're pretty dayum lucky one of his whores hasn't called you or shown up on your doorstep professing her love for your H and saying how he promised he'd leave her for you. Either way, none of this is good. I'll second Sou's advice that it's important that you get individual counseling as well. You were blindsided with this and you're going to have a million thoughts racing in your head. You need to get those out without your H present in a space where you will feel safe.
Post by hopecounts on Sept 2, 2012 15:47:38 GMT -5
Check with your lawyer but in my state until separation or divorce papers are filed each parent has the right to take the child anywhere they choose. Now it may make you look bad when it comes to settling custody if you move OOS but for a temporary time out it may be ok. But family law is state dependent so it may be different for you.
I'd like to throw his clothes into the front yard and start a giant bonfire. Or call him a cheating bastard on his FB wall. Or something along those lines. But that doesn't really solve any of our problems, it's bad for the kids, and even if it made me feel better, that would just be a temporary improvement in my mood.
Angela looked mighty happy after she did it. Catharsis and all...
Thank you for all of the advice. Surviving Infidelity recommends making the affair public (ie, letting family and close friends know so they'll apply pressure to the "wayward spouse" and basically convince him to stop dicking around. IDK how effective that is. My main concern right now isn't whether my friends still like him later. KWIM?
I'd like to throw his clothes into the front yard and start a giant bonfire. Or call him a cheating bastard on his FB wall. Or something along those lines. But that doesn't really solve any of our problems, it's bad for the kids, and even if it made me feel better, that would just be a temporary improvement in my mood.
Of course that isn't your main concern right now. I think your 2nd paragraph here says it pretty accurately. It would solve a short term problem, but doesn't really help in the long term and, should you reconcile, could have lasting effects that could make trouble again down the road.
Honestly, I really agree with the cut and run. I totally admire your desire to go to therapy and work it out, but I would be gone daddy gone.
Check with your lawyer but in my state until separation or divorce papers are filed each parent has the right to take the child anywhere they choose. Now it may make you look bad when it comes to settling custody if you move OOS but for a temporary time out it may be ok. But family law is state dependent so it may be different for you.
In our state, barring a court order or a signed shared parenting agreement, the person who has the kids can keep them, but I don't know if that applies to taking them outside of the state. When my friend went through this, her lawyer advised her not to go out of state. Something for me to clarify with the lawyer.
Post by thebulldog on Sept 2, 2012 16:30:11 GMT -5
i have zero experience with this personally and/or legal, but right now he is the asshole. i don't know how divorces work but i wouldn't do anything very drastic like taking the kids, leaving the state, the public declaration that he is a cheater etc until you know more details on the legal issues. b/c you don't want anything to be twisted or turned around to somehow make him less of the asshole in this situation.
and telling your mom, confiding in friends etc is fine but again, i would avoid the Facebook shaming elements at this moment. you can't unring that bell.
my heart truly goes out to you. this is fresh info and as heart breaking as it is, you need to take a moment to figure all this out b/c decisions over the next few weeks will be lasting on your and the kids.
but fuck him royally. no one deserves to be treated like this.
Reading all of your posts, I get the feeling you are a person of character. Please do hang on to your integrity even if your DH is a jerk of the highest degree. You do not have to be a door mat nor let him take advantage of you in any way, but you can handle this with grace. When you look back on this in the future 10- years +, how do you want to remember your behavior. IMO someone else's bad behavior is never a good excuse for our own bad behavior. You will feel better about yourself if you can rise above the feelings of anger and wanting to retaliate in kind, which I know you can do.
Thank you for all of the advice. Surviving Infidelity recommends making the affair public (ie, letting family and close friends know so they'll apply pressure to the "wayward spouse" and basically convince him to stop dicking around. IDK how effective that is. My main concern right now isn't whether my friends still like him later. KWIM?
I'd like to throw his clothes into the front yard and start a giant bonfire. Or call him a cheating bastard on his FB wall. Or something along those lines. But that doesn't really solve any of our problems, it's bad for the kids, and even if it made me feel better, that would just be a temporary improvement in my mood.
You are being very smart about everything. Good to hear.
When I found out my ex (of 7 years, lived together) was cheating... he was coming over to pick up his clothes- all of them that i bought and used to pay to dry clean... I put them all on the front porch and sprayed mustard on them all - so he'd have a HUGE drycleaning bill. It made me feel better, and still gives us all a good laugh b/c it was so insane
You'll do OK - i can tell by the way you are dealing with it. Know we are all here for support.
I'd like to throw his clothes into the front yard and start a giant bonfire. Or call him a cheating bastard on his FB wall. Or something along those lines. But that doesn't really solve any of our problems, it's bad for the kids, and even if it made me feel better, that would just be a temporary improvement in my mood.
Angela looked mighty happy after she did it. Catharsis and all...
I am so sorry and please call a lawyer ASAP. He sounds like he will be using your finances as a weapon and that is not how adults act. Hugs and prayers to you!
I am not a regular poster on this board, but I am on MM.
I think the advice from surviving infidelity about telling people for accountability/shaming reasons is stupid honestly. If you are willing to do therapy and possible work it out, it will only come back to bite you later because everyone will think of him differently forever and you'll always feel like you have to defend your decision to stay and your friends and family will never forget that he's a douche and you're too good for him.
With that said, please be careful about working it out. My DH had an emotional affair 2 years ago and we managed to work through it but it wasn't easy. I think part of what made it easier was that he was immediately remorseful, answered my questions, and didn't talk to her again and I didn't find anything else after the fact that he had hid (in other words, he was honest with me after I found out). Your Dh's reaction and lack of honesty after you found out concerns me. I'm afraid he'll do what he needs to do to keep you for now, and then will figure he got away with it and cheat again in the future.
I have been following along and have no words except ({) (}) I wish you all the peace you can find right now. Just remember that you are stronger than you think you are. Keep your chin up and take care of you first. And I think a little clothing bonfire isn't such a bad idea...
I am so so sorry! You've gotten a lot of good advice for other on here.
One thing I am not clear on is: is it emotional or physical too? Even if he claims it is only emotional I would suggests seeing a doctor because he may be lying about that too?
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Your world must be so upside down right now.
I can't understand why he can talk with you with a therapist but not with just you alone. Do you think he's just stalling so he can cover up tracks in the meantime?
And I am concerned that he continues to lie and hide things.
Ditto everyone who said hide some money, consult a lawyer, and have an exit strategy just in case.
Hugs to you and your family. I wish you the very best no matter what you decide. You deserve much better.
Post by racegrrl714 on Sept 3, 2012 10:08:43 GMT -5
No advice, just truly very sorry for your situation. You are obviously one very strong woman. If it were me, I'd have gone all Lorena Bobbit on his ass by now.
I've already downloaded cell phone bills for the last year and a half, and he's been heavily texting other women that whole time. I haven't confronted him over that, but I do plan to bring it up in therapy.
I went out with a friend last night and got some good advice from her, and when I came home, H and I had another long talk. He really did seem remorseful last night, he said he loves me, he's sorry, he hates the person he's become, he regrets that he did these things, and he swears that if I will give him a chance, he will never do anything like this again.
He also confessed to his parents and sister - I checked the phone records, so I knew he'd called them in the middle of the night after my initial confrontation, but I asked him about it anyway. He told them that he'd had an affair, and I found out about it. When I asked what their response was (they don't like me), he said, "Well.... they're not real happy with me right now." Which in H-speak = "My dad ripped me a new one for doing something that stupid, messing up the marriage, and risking losing everything."
We had a pretty good talk last night, going over a lot of issues in the marriage, and how we ended up here. It's too long and personal to go into details here, but it was a pretty therapeutic conversation, and I felt like we both got a lot out of it. He knows that I have given him an enormous gift in that I haven't kicked him out, destroyed his things or otherwise tried to take revenge. I'm really trying not to do anything rash or anything I might regret later.
I'm feeling a little better today, but I know it's going to get worse. I expect therapy to be messy and difficult for quite a while, and depending on what he says there and what the STD tests reveal, I may still kick him out and DTMFA, but we'll see. Right now I'm just taking it minute by minute.
Post by heliocentric on Sept 3, 2012 12:40:19 GMT -5
You sound like you're handling this as good as you can considering the circumstances. I'll be sending good vibes your way. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Post by ChillyMcFreeze on Sept 3, 2012 13:06:35 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're going through this, AE, but it sounds like you have an excellent head on your shoulders. I would hope I could have such grace and clarity in a such a shitty situation.
I really do wish the best for you and I really do believe only you know what is best for yor family. It's your life, etc.
But I will be an ass for a second: why in the world would you stay married to this man? What could he say that would make you feel better? You really think therapy can save things? Could you really trust him again?
Everyone is being so pc and nice. I think you need to get your shit together and Get the fuck out.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, AE, but it sounds like you have an excellent head on your shoulders. I would hope I could have such grace and clarity in a such a shitty situation.
This is my thought, too. Especially the bolded.
AE, I wish you well in this journey. Any way it goes, it's going to be a long haul and will require strength on your part. Hugs to you and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
AE, I really admire the fact that you haven't junk punched him yet. I truly, truly do.
It's very easy for me to sit on my side of the computer and say that I think you should get the hell out of dodge, because you deserve way better (because that's truly what I think, and I'm 100% on Team Reeve here). I obviously don't know all the details of the situation and what not, but at the end of the day, I just want to say that I think your H is a complete and total fucking shmuck, and you deserve way better than this.
No matter what you decide to do, always remember that this wasn't your fault. Even if there are issues in the marriage, that doesn't give him a pass or the right to troll Ashley Madison and fuck another woman. That was 100% his choice and his actions. You didn't do this. And you deserve much more than what he is apparently willing to give you. You are better than this.