White Folks Policing Black Folks' Social Media

[notsocreepylurker]

I will admit I used to be clueless and a whitesplainer. I didn't know any better. I was raised to be color blind by society (born in 1975) and I was always told racism was gone because people weren't being hung on trees by the KKK anymore. Being a member of this community REALLY opened my eyes. I even remember when it really clicked with me. Someone posted an article about some clothing company using cotton in their display. I would have NEVER thought of the racist implication of cotton. But I read everyone's thoughts here and I had my epiphany. It doesn't matter if I find it offensive/racist because I am white. I haven't been followed in stores. I haven't been pulled over for no reason while driving. I've never been stopped while walking in a rich neighborhood. So if ANY person of color tells me they find something offensive/racist I defer to them.

Unfortunately I do have some family members who still say colored people - they are in their 60s/70s and I am never going to get them to see why it is offensive. Luckily I am not really close to any of my family so I am not around them often anymore. Now if I can just convince acquaintances here that saying Indian Dot Not Feather is not appropriate I will feel like I have made a small dent in some way.

[imobviouslystaying]

And all of this speaks to me lately because I've had some major difficulties finding a church lately. I am used to being a minority in worship in general but I've become damned tired of it.

At the church I was most recently attending, I realized that a) I am the literally the only black person AT BOTH SERVICES and b) that no one really speaks to me. They say hi, I say hi in return. I engage with them and for the most part, it falls flat. I really have to prove I have something in common with them before I can get more than a generic greeting out of them.

And I know it's race based, whether they realize it or not. These people, most of them white middle and upper middle class (for our area) just presume I don't have anything in common with them unless proven otherwise.

And then there is the matter of my daughter who is treated like she is white by virtually everyone, even people who know her brother. She's just white to them and honestly, I've heard stories from people who were presumed to be white and I am fucking terrified of what that means for her as she grows up. Lord knows it took me years to understand privilege and discrimination. I didn't experience it myself as a biracial, light skinned girl in predominately white areas. I didn't know how deep or pervasive or problematic various things were until late in life. And I don't want that for Pinky.

So for both those reasons, I need a new church. But I have no idea where to go. I have looked at virtually every church in my current county and they are either alll white or alll black and that's just not cutting it anymore.

I really don't know.

[cattledogkisses]

I have tried (am still trying) to explain to some older family members why the "colorblind" approach doesn't work.

That even if they themselves were able to be truly colorblind (which I don't think anyone is, but assuming for the sake of argument), society is not colorblind in the way that it views and treats POC. Because POC are treated differently by society, they have different experiences and worldviews than white people do, and a colorblind mindset ignores their unique experiences by assuming that they experience life the same way that white people do.

I too was raised to think that being colorblind was a good thing, but if I came around I'm hoping I can get them to too.

[05heel]

Aug 22, 2016 19:22:57 GMT -5 imobviouslystaying said:

Aug 22, 2016 15:28:14 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

1. Please stay. You are very much welcome to share your posts and experiences. 

2. God bless pixy0stix , jojoandleo , and all the others who caught on to the bull shit in that thread. 
What's crazy, is I was at home, rolling on the floor laughing like a maniac while witnessing the foolishness.  Despite having a mouth (and keystroke)  of a sailor, I don't get mad easily (unless one of my friends is getting picked on), I have a very thick skin, and I crack jokes all the time.  

So, when I was told to control my rage,  I was like:

Don't worry. Old girl has been calling me angry for faaaaaaaaar longer. Although, she isn't the only one so, you know.

And it amuses me from her in particular because she is HELLA angry all by her lonesome. We speak all of the time about the entitled white man, angry at his displacement in the world but I really am starting to wonder about middle and upper class white women. There is something really wrong there.

oh, so your board has a Toledo too? That's fun.

[childofhiphop]

Do I have a limit on "likes"?

I feel that I've used them all up on the posts in here.

[childofhiphop]

Aug 22, 2016 18:37:43 GMT -5 wesleycrusher4ever said:

Right after Simone Manuel won the gold medal, I posted a meme about how it was a big deal because they drained a pool when Dorothy Danridge put her toe in it. And I had a white woman message me that "I was going to be a single mother" because "your white husband is going to leave you for being a angry black woman" she kept messaging me until I blocked her. I'm 6 months pregnant and that shit made me cry. And I was mad, I'm not responsible for his white fragility or anyone else's!!

I'm so sorry some had nerve to even think this was okay to say to you. Big hugs.

[imobviouslystaying]

Aug 22, 2016 20:14:27 GMT -5 05heel said:

Aug 22, 2016 19:22:57 GMT -5 imobviouslystaying said:

Don't worry. Old girl has been calling me angry for faaaaaaaaar longer. Although, she isn't the only one so, you know.

And it amuses me from her in particular because she is HELLA angry all by her lonesome. We speak all of the time about the entitled white man, angry at his displacement in the world but I really am starting to wonder about middle and upper class white women. There is something really wrong there.

oh, so your board has a Toledo too? That's fun.

Oh no, we had Toledo AND Toledos.

[Deleted]

I'll graffiti my "NFG was here" by saying I'm so thankful for the endless patience of our regulars who time and time and time again have explained what's what to our white myopia.

I've finally ceased being amazed at threads on FB where every person posting that racism is overblown is obviously white. My token response has become, "said the white person."

[redwino]

I'm struggling right now at work. So far I've gone through a diversity training full of white feelings about everything from black kids using to n-word to whining that it's not fair that the Black and Hispanic familes don't trust that the schools have their best interest in mind. There was also grumbles about being tired of all of the negativity. I just shut down and directed all of my interaction to the presenters because I was afraid of the outburst I'd have if I tried to talk to any coworkers.

I've also been repeatedly dismissed when I've shared my frustrations with how our district is failing our students and my anxiety on where dd will go to school. The dismissiveness comes from a tone of "you're not one of them, you're different", which I didn't notice at first but now it pisses me off even more. I'm getting angry right now thinking about the past conversations. It's just infuriating.

[elleblue]

redwino, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to be subjected to white feelings as people attempt to work through them under the guise of "diversity training". I'd be furious too.

[SallyJ]

I often do a lot of silent reading along for these posts and work to apply what I learn in my everyday life - at work, in social settings, and conversations over dinner with my kids and husband. These posts have helped me tremendously and I appreciate the conversations very much.

I want to be better about posting my thoughts and be more active in participating. As I've learned about my white privilege I have often felt like I can suddenly see an entirely new world around me.

I've been able to recognize white fragility for awhile, but this particular opinion piece really brought home how white people not only make it all about them and their feelings, but they do it by limiting how POC are even allowed to feel.

The silencing and boxing in of someone else's emotions is...I don't know, eye opening in a different way. It doesn't just feel like an accidental selfishness or lack of awareness. It's like it embodies the definition of a micro-aggression, except it doesn't feel micro at all.

I feel like I've seen a new depth of my white-privilege.

[threejs]

If I'm honest about where I struggle with all this, especially with experiences like wesley's and redwino and imnotstaying (sorry on my phone and can't quote) is that my personal fear and discomfort and dislike for white women, especially middle to upper middle class white women, seems to be growing by the day. I think sometimes I lurk here for confirmation that not all white women are self absorbed racist assholes. But, as this election season has gone on, I'm beginning to worry those here are the exception rather than the rule. People will probably read this and think I sound insane, but lately I truly have a heightened sense that the only safe places for me and my DD are communities and spaces where minorities are the majority.

[cville]

The thoughts and experiences people are sharing here are by turns elucidating and horrifying.

I think my parents worked very hard to turn away from the blatant racism of their families, and colorblind was what they started with for me and my brother. To them, I imagine "we're all the same" seemed revolutionary and good compared to "white is best." Only when my mom went back to graduate school (when I was in middle school) for school counseling did she begin to question that approach. I just had this conversation with two white coworkers; we were all raised with colorblind as a goal when we were children and all around midde/high school (too late) were presented with or truly realized there wasn't anything "wrong" with noticing and appreciating that people have different racial and ethnic backgrounds.

While I know I have far to go too, I hope I can remain open to new ideas and approaches. I am trying to be a better ally.

[05heel]

Aug 22, 2016 21:21:23 GMT -5 threejs said:

If I'm honest about where I struggle with all this, especially with experiences like wesley's and redwino and imnotstaying (sorry on my phone and can't quote) is that my personal fear and discomfort and dislike for white women, especially middle to upper middle class white women, seems to be growing by the day. I think sometimes I lurk here for confirmation that not all white women are self absorbed racist assholes. But, as this election season has gone on, I'm beginning to worry those here are the exception rather than the rule. People will probably read this and think I sound insane, but lately I truly have a heightened sense that the only safe places for me and my DD are communities and spaces where minorities are the majority.

I don't think you sound insane. I only continue to come here because otherwise I wouldn't interact with any non-black people at all outside of work. And to be fair, I've "met" a lot of wonderful women who I would be happy to call a friend. The problem for me is that I've yet to find the effort worth the reward IRL. It's too much work, and there's no convenient "x" in the upper right hand corner when people show their asses. There are very few safe spaces for POC.

[Deleted]

Aug 22, 2016 21:35:36 GMT -5 05heel said:

Aug 22, 2016 21:21:23 GMT -5 threejs said:

If I'm honest about where I struggle with all this, especially with experiences like wesley's and redwino and imnotstaying (sorry on my phone and can't quote) is that my personal fear and discomfort and dislike for white women, especially middle to upper middle class white women, seems to be growing by the day. I think sometimes I lurk here for confirmation that not all white women are self absorbed racist assholes. But, as this election season has gone on, I'm beginning to worry those here are the exception rather than the rule. People will probably read this and think I sound insane, but lately I truly have a heightened sense that the only safe places for me and my DD are communities and spaces where minorities are the majority.

I don't think you sound insane. I only continue to come here because otherwise I wouldn't interact with any non-black people at all outside of work. And to be fair, I've "met" a lot of wonderful women who I would be happy to call a friend. The problem for me is that I've yet to find the effort worth the reward IRL. It's too much work, and there's no convenient "x" in the upper right hand corner when people show their asses. There are very few safe spaces for POC.

I think this is valid, too. Even in my circles, I so often find myself surrounded by white women. I wonder if they are even cognizant of the lack of diversity in our groups - do they notice? Do they care? Are they glad or distraught that it's all-white-all-the-time? I feel like they often ignore intersectional feminism in favor of garden variety feminism, and I wouldn't likely be as aware of inter-fem myself without this board.

[05heel]

Aug 22, 2016 21:41:45 GMT -5 @nofucksgiven said:

Aug 22, 2016 21:35:36 GMT -5 05heel said:

I don't think you sound insane. I only continue to come here because otherwise I wouldn't interact with any non-black people at all outside of work. And to be fair, I've "met" a lot of wonderful women who I would be happy to call a friend. The problem for me is that I've yet to find the effort worth the reward IRL. It's too much work, and there's no convenient "x" in the upper right hand corner when people show their asses. There are very few safe spaces for POC.

I think this is valid, too. Even in my circles, I so often find myself surrounded by white women. I wonder if they are even cognizant of the lack of diversity in our groups - do they notice? Do they care? Are they glad or distraught that it's all-white-all-the-time? I feel like they often ignore intersectional feminism in favor of garden variety feminism, and I wouldn't likely be as aware of inter-fem myself without this board.

you should ask them and report back!

[andwhat]

Aug 22, 2016 16:30:11 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Good god, really? Really? It's like there's a dumb ass news story everyday.

www.ew.com/article/2016/08/22/gma-amy-robach-apologizes-racial-slur

Is that a racial slur? It is definitely offensive, but is it a slur? I seriously don't know.

I got into this question the other day about the Ellen meme. Some people saw it as offensive. Some saw it as racist. I could see how some thought it was offensive, but I didn't think it fur the definition of racist.

Then some ignorant person said that people who thought it was racist were really the racist ones and I told her she didn't know what the word meant.

I think that is part of the problem. People forget that words have actual meaning. And just because they have always used a word to mean one thing, doesn't mean that is the definition. Like racism, some people think if it isn't hood wearing and cross burning it isn't racist. So when they are called out on their behavior as being racist they can't see it because it doesn't fit their definition.

[cville]

Aug 22, 2016 21:51:09 GMT -5 05heel said:

Aug 22, 2016 21:41:45 GMT -5 @nofucksgiven said:

I think this is valid, too. Even in my circles, I so often find myself surrounded by white women. I wonder if they are even cognizant of the lack of diversity in our groups - do they notice? Do they care? Are they glad or distraught that it's all-white-all-the-time? I feel like they often ignore intersectional feminism in favor of garden variety feminism, and I wouldn't likely be as aware of inter-fem myself without this board.

you should ask them and report back!

I've been asking myself this a lot. My daughter has been asking a lot of questions about race (driven, no lie, by what she's overhearing by and about Trump) and it's caused me to examine myself more. For example, why is it that while I've made friends with people of all races at my current job, my closest friend at work is a white woman? Is this because there's something about me and the way I approach people? What IS that thing about me? I have no answers yet.

[Deleted]

Aug 22, 2016 21:51:09 GMT -5 05heel said:

you should ask them and report back!

Challenge accepted!

In one of my pro groups, I've talked to the founder about trying to bring in diverse members. In another that's starting up, I've been glad to see we aren't all white.

[insominac]

This video of Al Roker and that Billy guy talking about Ryan that the article referenced cracked me up

/video/1

[05heel]

Aug 22, 2016 22:38:57 GMT -5 insominac said:

This video of Al Roker and that Billy guy talking about Ryan that the article referenced cracked me up

/video/1

the sound effects are hilarious. Everytime someone refers to RL as a 32-year-old kid, a piece of my soul dies. I can't even imagine being this willfully and gleefully ignorant.

[LanaLang]

I just want to add that I really appreciate the openness here, and the ability for people to accept that many of us are still learning and trying our best.  For calling us out, but helping us understand what we did wrong and why.  

My mother was raised in a family that is accepting of all, although she's just the silent, loving type in general so we didn't really learn the hard stuff from her - on any subject. It was just love, which is good in a way, but totally not deep enough.  My father came from a really redneck, racist family.  His religious beliefs helped him to realize that is wrong, but he's socially awkward to start with, and still works hard to overcome everything he was raised to believe.  

Like many here, I was raised thinking that colorblindness is a good thing, and I was proud of it.  Over the past few years I've learned so much about how inadequate that is, and how differences should be recognized and respected, not just ignored. I don't comment on race related issues here because I don't want to screw up.  I'm afraid that I'll say something well intentioned that turns out to be insensitive.  I also work in a rather diverse workplace in the South where we get pretty close for coworkers, so I'm trying to navigate that as well. I want to say, "just call me out if I say the wrong thing and tell me why and what I should have said," but that's not really something you can always say to real people with real feelings.  

I'm on the ASD spectrum, so social stuff sucks to start with.  I don't always get the cues, and sometimes wish that I could just get a manual of everything, from race to SES to, well, all of it.  This place at least allows me to read and learn a lot.  Then at work I just let people know the raw, real me enough to where I hope they know where my heart is at least, and hopefully they'll call me out if I say something stupid.  I sometimes feel like navigating the world of personal differences, race especially, is like learning a new language.  You have to put yourself out there and sometimes make an ass of yourself to really get it right.  I just don't want to offend someone in the process.

[thejackpot]

I am very grateful for the other WOC who help me to articulate/examine a lot of my feelings.
I remember when a coworker called me angry and implied she was scared of me. The horror I felt that people felt compelled to tell me that they never saw me as angry. I just was floored to see how she was spinning the narrative and people wanted to give me hair pats instead of placing blame on her for perpetuating a stereotype. It just felt so unfair.
Historically we have had to hide or emotions or grin and bear it. The older I get the more I experience my race in a different way. I am not making me small so that you can be big. I owe it to my children to do the hard work and if I have to unfriendl so be it.

[imobviouslystaying]

Aug 22, 2016 21:35:36 GMT -5 05heel said:

Aug 22, 2016 21:21:23 GMT -5 threejs said:

If I'm honest about where I struggle with all this, especially with experiences like wesley's and redwino and imnotstaying (sorry on my phone and can't quote) is that my personal fear and discomfort and dislike for white women, especially middle to upper middle class white women, seems to be growing by the day. I think sometimes I lurk here for confirmation that not all white women are self absorbed racist assholes. But, as this election season has gone on, I'm beginning to worry those here are the exception rather than the rule. People will probably read this and think I sound insane, but lately I truly have a heightened sense that the only safe places for me and my DD are communities and spaces where minorities are the majority.

I don't think you sound insane. I only continue to come here because otherwise I wouldn't interact with any non-black people at all outside of work. And to be fair, I've "met" a lot of wonderful women who I would be happy to call a friend. The problem for me is that I've yet to find the effort worth the reward IRL. It's too much work, and there's no convenient "x" in the upper right hand corner when people show their asses. There are very few safe spaces for POC.

Nope and what's worse is you become friends with someone and can coast along for a few years just fine and then you start noticing they have more to say or they become more comfortable with you and start saying shit they never said before. It starts with whitesplaining and ends with a realization that you have actually been spending way too much time with an undercover racist.

So fucking demoralizing.

[imobviouslystaying]

Aug 23, 2016 0:23:56 GMT -5 thejackpot said:

I am very grateful for the other WOC who help me to articulate/examine a lot of my feelings.
I remember when a coworker called me angry and implied she was scared of me. The horror I felt that people felt compelled to tell me that they never saw me as angry. I just was floored to see how she was spinning the narrative and people wanted to give me hair pats instead of placing blame on her for perpetuating a stereotype. It just felt so unfair.
Historically we have had to hide or emotions or grin and bear it. The older I get the more I experience my race in a different way. I am not making me small so that you can be big. I owe it to my children to do the hard work and if I have to unfriendl so be it.

Hoooo Boy! Did I ever tell publicly how I fell out with my old TIP crew? Yup, those people on that board right over there.

After more than five years of friendship, these silly little white girls are gonna come tell me that they've always thought I was angry, they were just really afraid to tell me.

And then they couldn't understand why I went the fuck off. They just saw it as proof of what they always assumed about me, that I was just angry and ragey full time.

And I'm angry just thinking about it. More than five years of friendship gone in a blaze because they finally confessed I'm just a stereotype to them.

[mrsukyankee]

imobviouslystaying, what idiots.

[darnkatz]

Aug 22, 2016 14:10:48 GMT -5 iammalcolmx said:

Aug 22, 2016 14:06:54 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

And like I mentioned over the weekend, I'm scared shitless at what's going to happen to interracial couples and families when the cross sections of white fragility+ the Loving movie in wide release + Donald Trump's rhetoric+ "I'm not a racist" racism and the POTUS election all meet this November.

And the issue is everywhere. Did you see where Summer got racially profiled in Germany and the police called to make sure she was married to a German?

This just made me want to vomit. 

I am constantly brought to tears and anger reading about the experiences our board members have. Is that more white fragility? I'm sorry if it is. I am just so angry that wonderful people are experiencing such shit. I try to do my best to be an advocate, to call racist chucklefucks out, to speak up about issues that matter, but it never feels like enough. 

[darnkatz]

Aug 22, 2016 16:39:02 GMT -5 elleblue said:

Aug 22, 2016 16:30:11 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

Good god, really? Really? It's like there's a dumb ass news story everyday.

www.ew.com/article/2016/08/22/gma-amy-robach-apologizes-racial-slur

How does "colored people" just slip out of someone's mouth accidentally? 

My mom literally lives in an area where there are no POC. Extremely rural, she's lived there for over 20 years, and before that she lived in an even more rural area. She said the phrase 'colored people' to me once and I just stared at her in horror. She got a really bewildered look on her face and asked me what she had done wrong. I explained how that term was extremely offensive and inappropriate to use and that she really needed to stop using it. She had no idea. Like, none. The last interaction my mom had with a POC was in Chicago when she took the train to visit me and a very nice man helped her get her suitcase up the stairs when she was struggling. This was after that other incident with me. She couldn't stop being amazed that he was black, that he was dressed in a suit, and that he was willing to help her with her luggage. I had a long talk with her and explained how basically everything she thinks about POC is wrong and given to her dressed in propaganda and hatred by the news. She randomly comes to me and talks to me about assumptions that she has because she wants to know if it is wrong. I guess it's a start?

[Michelle]

I am horrified by some of the experiences here. I have inadequate words.

On a semi-related note, if you are on Twitter and would like a white male ally this guy gets it:

[LoveTrains]

I haven't been posting much in these threads but I've been reading and learning. And I will continue to do so. I'm sorry for everyone that has experienced racism. I'm working on being a better ally.