My unasked for white lady secret for parenting has been to borrow a page from my enginerd husband's book and be supremely overconfident in my parenting skills and choices. IDGAF what other people do or think is right, because I know what my expectations of my kids are. I focus on that with the awareness that they will go through phases of being assholes and I will have to handle that. My main rule is they know how to act right in public (and now in school).
The other thing is that MH has ridiculous expectations because he has no experience with kids so I take his expectations, decrease them about 25% to adjust for age and developmentally appropriate (but high standards still) factors.
If you have a 3yo, the only thing to do is survive, though. 3yo are the worst. It gets easier as they get older because it's easier to see that you've done the right thing. When they are little it's like throwing crap at a wall hoping something sticks so they don't turn into psychopaths but giving in enough so you don't go insane trying to keep an irrational terrorist in line.
My unasked for white lady secret for parenting has been to borrow a page from my enginerd husband's book and be supremely overconfident in my parenting skills and choices. IDGAF what other people do or think is right, because I know what my expectations of my kids are. I focus on that with the awareness that they will go through phases of being assholes and I will have to handle that. My main rule is they know how to act right in public (and now in school).
The other thing is that MH has ridiculous expectations because he has no experience with kids so I take his expectations, decrease them about 25% to adjust for age and developmentally appropriate (but high standards still) factors.
If you have a 3yo, the only thing to do is survive, though. 3yo are the worst. It gets easier as they get older because it's easier to see that you've done the right thing. When they are little it's like throwing crap at a wall hoping something sticks so they don't turn into psychopaths but giving in enough so you don't go insane trying to keep an irrational terrorist in line.
This was generally my approach to raising kids until I got to the mommy boards. I often question if I'm crazy. H is quick to bring me back to reality.
Mommy boards have a way of making you second guess everything! MH was good about reminding me that we were making good choices and to ignore that shit when the kids were little, thankfully. I really do credit him with a lot of my attitude about this because I'm a second guesser and he has been so good at helping me have confidence in our choices over the years. And now it's second nature!
(Not surprisingly, Black folks know. One of DD2's classmates asked if she's mixed, and one of DD1's BFFs is Black and she knew DD1 is mixed.)
The only folks who know BabyLiu is black are black folks. Even though the child calls my name approximately twice every sixty seconds, I'm still asked if I'm her nanny on the regular. At least once a year (thus far) someone implies that I have stolen that child.
Post by jeaniebueller on Aug 23, 2016 15:11:53 GMT -5
Oh, the "affluent hot chocolate!!" I remember now.
Back to topic, I appreciate this thread. I hate that so many white people are more emboldened than ever to act like jackasses and am sorry that so many of you have experienced so much ignorance and hatred.
The only folks who know BabyLiu is black are black folks. Even though the child calls my name approximately twice every sixty seconds, I'm still asked if I'm her nanny on the regular. At least once a year (thus far) someone implies that I have stolen that child.
The only folks who know BabyLiu is black are black folks. Even though the child calls my name approximately twice every sixty seconds, I'm still asked if I'm her nanny on the regular. At least once a year (thus far) someone implies that I have stolen that child.
One day, I will snap and end up shiving someone.
We'd get you bail money.
Good friends hold your hair back, best friend post bail. (heart)
@kirkette - I can empathize with your screening of people and trying to read them from the jump. Whenever I meet new people, particularly in any situation that involves my children, I immediately try to figure out of it's a safe place for me to be 'out' as a gay women. I'm not in the closet in any way but since my appearance doesn't automatically out me as a lesbian I have the experience of coming out each and every time I engage with someone new. On the flip side though I will acknowledge the privilege I have in being able to hide my sexuality, if needed. A privilege that obviously doesn't exist with race.
My boys are starting a new school soon and I took them to observe their class and get to know the teachers. They were the only two white children in the room. Talk about a moment of reflection. I'm not yet able to fully articulate all of the feelings I had that morning. I'm used to walking into a room and being the only queer person. That's my norm day in and day out. Walking into a room and having my children be the minorities was something new (yet the daily norm for so many people). I watched the kids play and the teachers teach and sat uncomfortably comfortable in my mix of feelings. I needed to sit in those feelings though and not to simply ignore them or brush them aside. In all of the various emotions related to the changing of the schools is a bit of happiness that if I can keep learning, listening, challenging my own thoughts and emotions, that I am setting my children up to do better.
I started reading yesterday and was just finally able to finish all the posts. Thanks to everyone for sharing their own personal experiences and thoughts.
My first thought regarding the article in the OP, is that as annoyed, angry and frustrated as a I am when I read certain comments on social media from white people, I can't imagine what it is like to be a POC reading those same comments. I'm not sure I could handle it.
The only folks who know BabyLiu is black are black folks. Even though the child calls my name approximately twice every sixty seconds, I'm still asked if I'm her nanny on the regular. At least once a year (thus far) someone implies that I have stolen that child.
One day, I will snap and end up shiving someone.
The only people that every ask about my children's ethnic make up are blacks and latinx. I can't tell you how many times in store check out lines cashiers have looked at BoyE in particular and said "He's mixed, isn't he?" Whereas all the white people are like "they look just like you" which is just a lie.
The only folks who know BabyLiu is black are black folks. Even though the child calls my name approximately twice every sixty seconds, I'm still asked if I'm her nanny on the regular. At least once a year (thus far) someone implies that I have stolen that child.
One day, I will snap and end up shiving someone.
My sis would get this about her son all.the.time. He is really fair and is a ginger. Which the funny thing is that the red hair doesn't come from the white side of the family. It's the black folks. In fact, Out of the four cousins with kids, three of them each have a kid with red hair. It's hilarious. But yes, she would throw people the ugliest looks when they'd ask if she were a nanny. NAWL. This is my kid asshole.
My unasked for white lady secret for parenting has been to borrow a page from my enginerd husband's book and be supremely overconfident in my parenting skills and choices. IDGAF what other people do or think is right, because I know what my expectations of my kids are. I focus on that with the awareness that they will go through phases of being assholes and I will have to handle that. My main rule is they know how to act right in public (and now in school).
The other thing is that MH has ridiculous expectations because he has no experience with kids so I take his expectations, decrease them about 25% to adjust for age and developmentally appropriate (but high standards still) factors.
If you have a 3yo, the only thing to do is survive, though. 3yo are the worst. It gets easier as they get older because it's easier to see that you've done the right thing. When they are little it's like throwing crap at a wall hoping something sticks so they don't turn into psychopaths but giving in enough so you don't go insane trying to keep an irrational terrorist in line.
Am I reading your signature right that you have a 3 year old and a baby?
Am I reading your signature right that you have a 3 year old and a baby?
Lol, yep. A 3 year old boy and a 3 month old boy. I drink. A lot.
Oh wow. My kids are 12 now. Every time I figure out something, they're on to the next phase, so I'm never an "expert" for long. Just trying to not raise assholes.
My unasked for white lady secret for parenting has been to borrow a page from my enginerd husband's book and be supremely overconfident in my parenting skills and choices. IDGAF what other people do or think is right, because I know what my expectations of my kids are. I focus on that with the awareness that they will go through phases of being assholes and I will have to handle that. My main rule is they know how to act right in public (and now in school).
The other thing is that MH has ridiculous expectations because he has no experience with kids so I take his expectations, decrease them about 25% to adjust for age and developmentally appropriate (but high standards still) factors.
If you have a 3yo, the only thing to do is survive, though. 3yo are the worst. It gets easier as they get older because it's easier to see that you've done the right thing. When they are little it's like throwing crap at a wall hoping something sticks so they don't turn into psychopaths but giving in enough so you don't go insane trying to keep an irrational terrorist in line.
Ha, I just totally flashed back to that one woman on MMM who (rightly) got flamed off the boards for talking about her purposely cheap gift of crappy hot chocolate packets she wanted to give to specific teachers (assistant teachers?) instead of a comparable gift she was giving her favorites. That woman was a piece of work omg.
I believe that was the post that finally pushed me over the edge into KirketteX. Because you know who does that shit day in day out? Self proclaimed "Affluent" motherfuckers.
Right? What made me so angry was her attitude about the whole thing. It's not that cocoa in a mug or wtfever is so terrible, anyone should understand being on a budget, especially during the holidays. But skimping on some gifts while going overboard on others with the reasoning they should be glad to get anything at all is just ick. Those are the kinds of people who donate crappy cast offs clothing to flood victims, etc. I do not approve! lol
Lol, yep. A 3 year old boy and a 3 month old boy. I drink. A lot.
Oh wow. My kids are 12 now. Every time I figure out something, they're on to the next phase, so I'm never an "expert" for long. Just trying to not raise assholes.
I feel like I am starting to be one of those moms who sends her 5th grader to read an article and think about being an asshole when he says or acts rude. I have no idea what happens as they get older.
Post by CallingAllAngels on Aug 23, 2016 15:43:53 GMT -5
I'm also reading, listening. Sometimes (a lot of time) I don't comment because I don't want to make it about me or because I'm reading while I'm doing something else and don't have the time to put together a thoughtful reply. I am learning though, and I'm trying to do better with my kids, talking to them about our history and their privilege.
I just had the chance to read through this. Thank you to everyone who has gone through some horrendous shit for being so patient. I'm not sure why you didn't say "screw you all" long ago, but I appreciate you sticking around. Thanks to the board "White Fragility" has been added to this year's syllabi along with much more on "Toxic Masculinity." I'm fired up enough that it's a good thing classes don't start today- otherwise we'd be testing the limits of tenure.
The only folks who know BabyLiu is black are black folks. Even though the child calls my name approximately twice every sixty seconds, I'm still asked if I'm her nanny on the regular. At least once a year (thus far) someone implies that I have stolen that child.
The only folks who know BabyLiu is black are black folks. Even though the child calls my name approximately twice every sixty seconds, I'm still asked if I'm her nanny on the regular. At least once a year (thus far) someone implies that I have stolen that child.
One day, I will snap and end up shiving someone.
i'll be honest and say I had no idea genetics was as crazy as it is until this board. (clearly someone didn't pay much attention in bio).
feel free to call for bail. I'm more than happy to provide.
I have been reading this thread and have typed responses and then deleted because I didn't want to say something that made me sound stupid as hell. But I feel like I should let you know that I hear you ladies and I appreciate all of your input and your voices. I am sorry people have made you feel unwelcome.
I have a lot of feelings about this around these parts, especially on MMM. I've found it harder to ask questions or discussing parenting as my oldest gets older (he's 3.5 now) without feeling like I'm going to be judged or like I have to walk on eggshells. Surely can't start a post with "MothersOC only please" so lots of my questions/venting happen off board (thank you @246baje & @stilljustash )
Being called mean or scary by the delicate, pink nutsacks who don't even tag to properly call you out on that board gets old FAST. I dealt with that shit enough in high school and was able to purge people like that out of my life by early adulthood. I'm fucking over it. Especially when it's said enough times that I started to pause and question myself, like damn maybe I am mean? If I really sit and think about how things go down around here I wonder why I stick around.
Right here with you. There are many times I have to go to black moms (@kirkette @246baje thejackpot and others) and say ok am I crazy here? Is it really ok for Daniel Tiger to tell you to stomp 3 times and I am supposed to let my child stomp at me even though I wanted to knock her on the floor when she did? Is xyz age just age appropriate behavior? Because I feel like MMM is an alternate universe sometimes. And I get called mean, angry, passionate (in a negative way) too often at work. I don't need it outside of it.
So much of this, but I don't post on MMM so I just send EnchantedSoul a text instead.
I don't work with many black people either but a bunch of us black scientist ladies are going to go see the movie about black women who were engineers in the 1960s soon.
This was a question at my friend's black trivia night last week. This is another movie I can't wait to see. Although, honestly, I will be glad when we can get more quality present-day black movies. Historically, black people were amazing, but we're killing it right now, also.
I've never even read that board, but it sounds ridiculous. I hate talking to people about kids and parenting in general. Don't care, and I don't need any advice.
!! The only person whose parenting advice ever interested me was my mother's...and even that, I'd only take on a good day. I trust my own instincts pretty much on all things, but especially as it relates to producing a quality human being.
I'm sorry to hear that some of you guys are struggling with this board. I say this with no shade to the white people or the POC, but I think you have to take this place for what it is, which is a predominantly white, predominantly American, predominantly MC to UMC message board. Would it be nice for everyone here to "get it?" Sure, but I'd never expect it. I don't expect white people to stop being content in their whiteness and all that it entails. It's like Muhammad Ali's take on white people as rattlesnakes. There are some white people who truly get it and are legitimate allies, but God knows, that number is small. This board is good for many things for me as a POC, but full understanding and empathy are not those things. And when it gets too ridiculous, I click the X and keep it moving. There are too many spaces on the web for POC to be mad about white people being white. But I live a pretty segregated life in the real world, so it just wouldn't occur to me to bop into some white women's crew and then be outraged that they don't understand my life as a WOC. Kudos to those of you fighting the good fight, I guess...but it doesn't seem to be doing much? I am glad the FB group has been created. Save
Checking in to say that I'm reading here and in other threads to try to learn and do better. I'm another young Gen X/Oregon Trail/Elderly Millennial who was raised to be colorblind in almost entirely white communities where everyone tried to pretend racism was a thing of the past. My sister and I grew up in the unofficially segregated south raised by parents who grew up in the era of Jim Crow who did the best they could but as I look back on my childhood I'm determined to make sure my son is raised better when it comes to issues of race. As my family moved and my sister and I went to more diverse schools and lived in more diverse neighborhoods our social circles never really reflected the diversity around us. Even now as an adult I look around at playdates, birthday parties, ladies' nights out, and adult gatherings and notice that the rooms are mostly white with only a few POC there.
One of the things that makes me the happiest about my son's school is looking in his classroom last year and seeing that my little blonde boy is in the distinct minority but he didn't notice it at all. He's going to grow up with friends of all races and hopefully will be more aware than I was at his age. Because of my background I'm struggling to find the best way to discuss race with his as he grows up. I don't want to repeat the mistakes of my childhood of trying to raise a colorblind child but at the same time I have no idea when and how to bring up the realities of racism while I'm trying to learn too.
After hearing some of your experiences with making friends with white women I am feeling a little anxious about a new mama friendship I'm trying to start. DS is starting in a new preschool room this week and at parent orientation I heard one of the mother's say that her son was in the morning session (same as my boy) and he has a twin brother in a class down the hall. My ears immediately perked up when I heard twin boys and made a point to introduce myself to her after orientation and we chatted a bit more and exchanged numbers the next morning at meet the teacher. I do admit that part of reaching out to her was to challenge my own unconscious bias of having very few real friendships with WOC but most of it was hoping that with two boys the same age as my son at least one of them might hit it off with him and DS would have more boys he could meet up to play with on the regular. I do wonder if she was giving me an internal side eye as I was extolling the basic white lady love of not having to wear real pants in the mornings because it's a drop off line and you never have to get out of the car.
The craziest part is that on MMM the response was all "well she has to express her frustration somehow"
NAWL. What you not gone do is stomp at me. You can say you're angry and when you get finished, you can take your lil ass to your room until your mood changes. Stomp at me tho? No.
This was my solution. But when I posed the question and was getting a crazy response I had to take it to the black moms and ask if I was the crazy one. I strongly censor Daniel Tiger now. Because you are not going to roar at me either. DT very good for going to the potty, washing hands and sharing. Bad for acceptable behavior in MY home.
I'm sorry to hear that some of you guys are struggling with this board. I say this with no shade to the white people or the POC, but I think you have to take this place for what it is, which is a predominately white, predominately American, predominately MC to UMC message board. Would it be nice for everyone here to "get it?" Sure, but I'd never expect it. I don't expect white people to stop being content in their whiteness and all that it entails. It's like Muhammad Ali's take on white people as rattlesnakes. There are some white people who truly get it and are legitimate allies, but God knows, that number is small. This board is good for many things for me as a POC, but full understanding and empathy are not those things. And when it gets too ridiculous, I click the X and keep it moving. There are too many spaces on the web for POC to be mad about white people being white. But I live a pretty segregated life in the real world, so it just wouldn't occur to me to bop into some white women's crew and then be outraged that they don't understand my life as a WOC. Kudos to those of you fighting the good fight, I guess...but it doesn't seem to be doing much? I am glad the FB group has been created. Save
I think that's why I keep being shocked, and angered. My day to day life is so mixed (I'm owning my West Coast bias, for real here). So when I see this shit, I'm like,"WTF is happening?Did that woman just say that?". It's still shocking, although every day less and less.
So do you think your white friends IRL are different from many of the white women here or no? What part is shocking you? Because most of what is said here--the good and the bad about race--is what I expect. Save
I don't work with many black people either but a bunch of us black scientist ladies are going to go see the movie about black women who were engineers in the 1960s soon.
This was a question at my friend's black trivia night last week. This is another movie I can't wait to see. Although, honestly, I will be glad when we can get more quality present-day black movies. Historically, black people were amazing, but we're killing it right now, also.
I've never even read that board, but it sounds ridiculous. I hate talking to people about kids and parenting in general. Don't care, and I don't need any advice.
!! The only person whose parenting advice ever interested me was my mother's...and even that, I'd only take on a good day. I trust my own instincts pretty much on all things, but especially as it relates to producing a quality human being.
I'm sorry to hear that some of you guys are struggling with this board. I say this with no shade to the white people or the POC, but I think you have to take this place for what it is, which is a predominantly white, predominantly American, predominantly MC to UMC message board. Would it be nice for everyone here to "get it?" Sure, but I'd never expect it. I don't expect white people to stop being content in their whiteness and all that it entails. It's like Muhammad Ali's take on white people as rattlesnakes. There are some white people who truly get it and are legitimate allies, but God knows, that number is small. This board is good for many things for me as a POC, but full understanding and empathy are not those things. And when it gets too ridiculous, I click the X and keep it moving. There are too many spaces on the web for POC to be mad about white people being white. But I live a pretty segregated life in the real world, so it just wouldn't occur to me to bop into some white women's crew and then be outraged that they don't understand my life as a WOC. Kudos to those of you fighting the good fight, I guess...but it doesn't seem to be doing much? I am glad the FB group has been created. Save
you and I are too much alike. Let's pretend that's a good thing. ;-)
I'm sorry that people continually find themselves with hurt feelings on the boards, but I really don't think it's reasonable to expect any different. I won't say more, because I do want to be supportive and I definitely don't want to give cover for any ignorant folks to start spouting hateful shit. I acknowledge that my perspective is skewed because I was raised by a pair of radicalized individuals who are more than likely on some sort of FBI watch list from the 60's. I come here to learn as much as anyone else, but I keep my expectations exceedingly low.
you and I are too much alike. Let's pretend that's a good thing. ;-)
I'm sorry that people continually find themselves with hurt feelings on the boards, but I really don't think it's reasonable to expect any different. I won't say more, because I do want to be supportive and I definitely don't want to give cover for any ignorant folks to start spouting hateful shit. I acknowledge that my perspective is skewed because I was raised by a pair of radicalized individuals who are more than likely on some sort of FBI watch list from the 60's. I come here to learn as much as anyone else, but I keep my expectations exceedingly low.
I take it as a great thing! You're like my favorite poster that I've probably only read 50 posts from ever lol. Maybe it's the radical parents thing. I read Die Nigger Die when I was like 7. How is that appropriate ? Anyway, my thoughts exactly.
@kirkette, that's fair. I think most people can collectively agree to not treat people like shit. But I think what happens on this board and IRL, at least IME, is much more insidious. Most of the offensive things here are not blatant and outrageous, but microaggressions. And at least to me, that's typical.
you and I are too much alike. Let's pretend that's a good thing. ;-)
I'm sorry that people continually find themselves with hurt feelings on the boards, but I really don't think it's reasonable to expect any different. I won't say more, because I do want to be supportive and I definitely don't want to give cover for any ignorant folks to start spouting hateful shit. I acknowledge that my perspective is skewed because I was raised by a pair of radicalized individuals who are more than likely on some sort of FBI watch list from the 60's. I come here to learn as much as anyone else, but I keep my expectations exceedingly low.
I take it as a great thing! You're like my favorite poster that I've probably only read 50 posts from ever lol. Maybe it's the radical parents thing. I read Die Nigger Die when I was like 7. How is that appropriate ? Anyway, my thoughts exactly.
@kirkette, that's fair. I think most people can collectively agree to not treat people like shit. But I think what happens on this board and IRL, at least IME, is much more insidious. Most of the offensive things here are not blatant and outrageous, but microaggressions. And at least to me, that's typical.
I'm crying at your 1st grade self reading that. Dead.
My mom's people are/were Nation of Islam. Changed their names and everything. Now my cousins are Hotep'ed out. Go ahead and laugh. They're the main reason I keep my FB active. So much entertainment.
I take it as a great thing! You're like my favorite poster that I've probably only read 50 posts from ever lol. Maybe it's the radical parents thing. I read Die Nigger Die when I was like 7. How is that appropriate ? Anyway, my thoughts exactly.
@kirkette , that's fair. I think most people can collectively agree to not treat people like shit. But I think what happens on this board and IRL, at least IME, is much more insidious. Most of the offensive things here are not blatant and outrageous, but microaggressions. And at least to me, that's typical.
I'm crying at your 1st grade self reading that. Dead.
My mom's people are/were Nation of Islam. Changed their names and everything. Now my cousins are Hotep'ed out. Go ahead and laugh. They're the main reason I keep my FB active. So much entertainment.
Yes. Hotep cousins, whaaattt, I'm jealous...how good are their memes ? Because that would be worth having a FB, even to me. I understand. My parents, one raised Catholic, the other Episcopalian, converted to Islam (not NOI) before I was born. By the time I was pretty young, my mother was no longer going to the Masjid and she eventually transitioned to Buddhism. That lasted a year, before she ditched religion altogether. As an aside, she oddly and vehemently denied that entire year when we went to see the Reclining Buddha in Bangkok. My father is still Muslim. My grandmother insisted on Catholicism and Catholic school for me and they acquiesced, but my dad, in particular never stopped giving me ALL of his thoughts on "the white man and religion." Like...if I call him right now with the right (or actually, wrong) question, I could probably get a strong hour.
But listen, my childhood BFF's father? I think we were maybe 10 when he sat us down and gave us the Yakub talk, in his dashiki and all, true story. To this day, I don't think you can convince her that white people are not actually the devil incarnate. Sorry, white allies.