So, I think we've touched on this Pew Research Study about white folks discussing race on social media. Over the weeekend saw the most bizarre thing happen to a friend of mine. Some childhood friend publicly chastised him for being "angry" and stated that people had asked her what "happened to him." Why was he so "ANGRY." That he needed to "take a break."
Y'all. I sat in disbelief because this lady actually decided that she needed to tell a man who holds a PhD in History and heads up an Af. American Studies department at a university to essentially - CHILL.
Like - how do you fix your fingers to type this out? But, at any rate, it delves into a much larger issue about how black and white people see the world and how from this woman's vantage point, their childhood was perfect. Yet, from his vantage point there were several homes in that picture perfect neighborhood that he couldn't venture inside. He was never told why, but he knew he wasn't welcomed. Or the fact that one more than one occasion, he was called the N-word by his Cleaver-ish neighbors.
So let's talk about White Fragility again, shall we? Let's begin our discussion about why some folks may feel the need to silence discussions about race and why it makes them uncomfortable.
*pulls up a chair*
Who wants to go first?
ETA: If you can't tell childhood friend is a white woman, PhD friend is a black man.
White Policing of Black Emotions August 21, 2016 by Guest Contributor 0 Comments Broken-Friendshipby Jervette R. Ward
I have an academic friend, Charles, who was recently told by a white childhood friend that he has become angry and that she wondered what happened to the happy boy from childhood. She posted the message publicly on his Facebook page approximately four times. Apparently, the message got lost in Facebook purgatory, so she copied and pasted the same message over and over again, then she placed a sentence at the top of her last post that told him NOT to delete her message again …..on HIS Facebook page. She even instructed this now grown man with children to take a break from everything so that he could get happy again.
The sheer arrogance, racism, presumption, and utter rudeness that was conveyed in her brief and very public post felt violent. If she truly cared about him and his life, why didn’t she approach him privately and offer some type of support if she felt that he was in need? Also, why didn’t she ever consider that his lived experience of being a Black man in America raising black sons and a black daughter might be different from her white existence?
If she even remotely paid attention, she would know that Charles aka Chuck is trained in African American Studies and is firmly aware of the inequality that exists in this country and world. He is firmly aware of the unjust governmental responses to shootings, banks that unfairly and unjustly lend to Blacks, schools that are underfunded in Black neighborhoods, hiring practices that allow a white person with a criminal record to be hired before a Black person with a degree….the list goes on…….
James Baldwin once wrote, “To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.” That rage that Baldwin references is from being cognizant of the privileges that exist for whiteness and the penalties that exist for blackness. Charles happens to be a conscious Black who recognizes the economic, political, social, and cultural oppression that takes place on systemic and micro levels every single day.
The post led to a fight with my husband because I was so traumatized that I zoned out and completely missed him telling me that he hit a major goal at work. He was hurt that I wasn’t paying attention, and then I snapped because I felt raw. I felt raw because I also grew up in a white school with white classmates who have responded to me in similar ways. Thankfully, none of them have been asinine enough to publicly address me about it, but I have received private messages on the subject, been routinely ignored when I post about blackness, and I have to suffer their racist posts. Watching the experience unfold for Charles made me have to again face the fact that my FB group is filled with a similar mix of white people who think that my posts about racial equality and justice makes me an angry black woman. If Charles and other Blacks are angry, it is a righteous anger that flows from a realization of the blatant inequities in our society. It’s funny that most of these white “friends” label themselves Christian and are okay with Christ’s anger in the church with the moneylenders, yet they refuse black people the opportunity to get angry when they experience and see unjust behavior.
Here’s an Olympic level example. When Al Roker got angry with his cohost who defended that white swimmer (Ryan Lochte) who lied about being robbed in Rio, his cohost (Billy Bush) told him to calm down. Rush fixed his mouth on national television and said calm down to a grown Black man who has spent a lifetime seeing his fellow Blacks get mistreated and held to a different standard. Roker understood that if Simone (either one), Gabby, Bolt, Gatlin (don’t even like him), or any other prominent Black athlete had destroyed property, filed a false police report, given interviews about the false police report, and then left the country — all manner of HELL would have broken loose and their careers could be over. Yet, Roker was expected to sit next to his lil’ white cohost and let that lil’ white cohost smile and talk about how grown-ass white swimmer (32 – I remember that part) was just a boy having a good time who “embellished some details.”
Roker and every other Black person watching had a right not to be calm. We see our careers that we’ve worked lifetimes for derailed because we only stand at attention during the National Anthem instead of putting a hand over a heart (that’s for the Pledge of Allegiance), but apparently if you’re black you must constantly prove your allegiance to a country that barely acknowledges that your life and the lives of others who look like you matter. While grown white swimmers can destroy property, lie about citizens of another county, file false reports, get their white mamas to lie about the untrue incident, and then happily skip off into the sunset……I’m angry all over again just writing this….
One of the funny things that I realized as I read the horrific post from Chuck’s white “friend” is that Charles is probably one of the least angry people I know. Yes, he gets angry about serious issues, yet most of my encounters with him involve him laughing. Just recently, he called me to give some greatly appreciated career advice – he called on his own time of his own free will just because. I felt honored, thankful, and grateful. I regularly enjoy his Facebook posts about his wife’s shoe addiction (oh so many shoes!), his kids’ accomplishments (as numerous as the shoes), his colleagues’ antics, his students’ cluelessness, and his love of food and drinks. If that doesn’t sound like a happy and fun life, I don’t know what to tell you.
Yet, in the midst of all that joy, he also struggles with the pains of every Black person in America. I saw his post about his boys being stopped and questioned for the umpteenth time on his white college campus where he is a professor simply because they were Black boys walking around. I saw him posting in solidarity with his Black friends who were protesting the shooting of a Black child by police officers in Memphis. I saw him pushing back against a predominantly white administration and college in a predominately Black city that refused to acknowledge the hate that is presented when a monkey is hanging by a noose from a dorm window in the same city where MLK was shot nearly 50 years ago. Anger and happiness coexist in the Black experience.
There is a time and a space in which to be angry. There is a time and a space to be happy and joyful. Black people are fully human and we deserve the opportunity to exist in all of our emotions and feelings all the time. NO ONE gets to regulate our humanity —— not even “childhood friends.”
Post by mrsukyankee on Aug 22, 2016 13:23:02 GMT -5
I've basically had to stop posting on one of my friend's cousin's FB posts because he's an angry white guy who sees all black people as getting 'more' and white people getting discriminated against. He's someone who would definitely post on a black person's FB asking them to stop being so angry. He even went so far as to say that because we have a black president that there is no more discrimination and could not understand anything I posted about discrimination - in fact, he feels white people are discriminated against (UGH). He's one of those white people who want life to go back to the way it used to be - when his dominance was no longer challenged by others. He feels that if other people are "getting something" than that means he (and all white people) are getting less. His bias cannot be challenged, though I've tried. I think there are too many white people out there like this.
I don't even know what to say. I'm beyond through with White Fragility so I can't even begin to imagine just how fed up poc are with white people's feelings. I posted an article on this subject a few months ago that helped me understand why it's so difficult to talk to most white people about this, but even this new understanding hasn't really tempered my frustration*. link to thread
*I want to make it clear that I in no way think I'm an expert on this subject or immune to race related missteps. I'm just frustrated that so many can't (won't?) seem to even begin to try to understand these concepts.
I saw something a little similar recently myself. My white female friend re-shared this meme from facebook:
And one of the comments she got from it was from a white guy who said this: "This meme is bullshit. One or two people say something and the Internet thinks the world is ganging up on them. The world isn't ganging up on Gabby. My daughters, just like every other young kid on the planet, adores her and the rest of the gymnastics team. Lochte has gotten exactly what he deserves. Nobody is claiming boys will be boys. He's lied once, and is certainly paying the penalty for it. I wish presidential candidates were held to that same standard."
Now, maybe he really hasn't seen any of the Gabby controversy and this was the first time he saw it via this meme. But even so, why the "if i didn't hear about it, it didn't happen, so this is bullshit" attitude? One can only assume it must come from his own white male fragility because otherwise you would just ignore it or you would say something along the lines of "I haven't heard about that". Looking at this guy's page, he is a Gary Johnson fan for the record in case anyone was wondering.
I'm not on any social media where I'd really see anything like this (only on IG and I only follow a little under 100 people I think). But, I have noticed this happening with celebrities. I mean, it just happened with Bron Bron the other day, when he couldn't even shout out black girl magic without drama. The worst.
Post by meshaliuknits on Aug 22, 2016 13:39:02 GMT -5
When Zendeya (I know I misspelled that) was announced to be the next Maryjane in Spiderman a couple days back folks were allllll up in other people's TLs telling them why they were wrong to be happy about the choice. I'm so over folks.
Post by Queen Mamadala on Aug 22, 2016 13:54:23 GMT -5
One of my BMB went defunct recently due to a thread that blew up over a friend's BLM thread. Both the friend and another member have Black husbands and mixed children. So needless to say, BLM is pretty fucking important to them. But the group as a whole wasn't at all enlightened and there were a lot of racists, covert and overt, and a few LEO wives who got their feelings hurt when that thread was started. It was a clusterfuck. I didn't see it 'cause I left months ago. I couldn't stand the white fragility, racism and bigotry from several members, and I do not play nice or keep a tight lip to keep things all harmonious. I made enemies because I had shit to say and was the resident "SJW."
Well, after the original group imploded, the actual cool kids started a new one. One of the members, actually a few, admitted to their White Fragility and White Privilege, and one stated she almost unfriended me because I seemed to make things about race and "post all about race on your timeline" that it made her uncomfortable. I guess she and others did some much-needed introspection and realized where their discomfort was coming from. I made it known that I don't censor what I say to preserve white people's feelings.
I briefly wondered if my posting about racism as often as I do is "too much." That wondering didn't last very long. I went right back to my usual posting. It's necessary work.
Post by jeaniebueller on Aug 22, 2016 14:02:55 GMT -5
I know that I am far from perfect, but I almost feel like its a lost cause with many people. I am sure that I have been guilty in the past of not handling issues with race the right way, but I have learned so so much from this board, including when the time is to just listen and keep my mouth shut and am grateful. Oh, an example I did see on social media was that one of my FB friends was complaining about something Michelle Obama did and it evolved into a discussion where I pointed out the double standard in all of the crazy shit that Trump has said versus how would they feel if President Obama said the same things (because said person who posted it has vocally been critical of President Obama regularly). Of course, no one responded.
Post by iammalcolmx on Aug 22, 2016 14:04:08 GMT -5
Look we see this all the time ON HERE. When the WOC finally got tired and stood up for themselves, people were called angry and one of our beloved members was actually retaliated against IN HER PERSONAL LIFE. Then folks had the fucking nerve to be offended at the side eyes coming their way when they were suspected of being involved and deleting post histories due to some bullshit story. None of this shocks me anymore. I know there are plenty of whispers about how we are off the hook this year. Keep whispering because I won't be "calming down" anytime soon.
And IRL, if another fragile white person, ever comes swooping in with the annoying as fuck "Must be nice" jab, because they're uncomfortable by the idea of black wealth or Black Girl Magic, I'm just going to start using the clapback #mustbeawful
Oh, you stll work for a living? #mustbeawful Oh, you can't find time in your day to workout? #mustbeawful Oh, you haven't had a vacation since your honeymoon? #mustbeawful Oh, you married Steve the moron who's like another one of your bad assed children who won't listen? #mustbeawful Oh, you don't shower and shit by yourself? #mustbeawful
It gets tiring always having to be the one who has to shut up and take the high road, while people around behave poorly, like clock work. Especially, when they are sticking their noses where it shouldn't belong. Too damn much!
@kirkette, I shouldn't be aghast that people say that to you but I am. That's all kinds of ridiculousness. I'm joining some meetup groups in anticipation of making some local mom friends and I can't imagine having to navigate the additional comments that must spill out of the mouths of "well meaning" people. Taking the high road in those circumstances is for the birds.
And like I mentioned over the weekend, I'm scared shitless at what's going to happen to interracial couples and families when the cross sections of white fragility+ the Loving movie in wide release + Donald Trump's rhetoric+ "I'm not a racist" racism and the POTUS election all meet this November.
And the issue is everywhere. Did you see where Summer got racially profiled in Germany and the police called to make sure she was married to a German? ^o)
I took a couple of long runs this weekend, did some cooking and some cleaning - so I listed to approximately eleventy hours of podcasts. Two in particular come to mind. One was on whether the internet is broken, and one on suicide (both Freakanomics Radio podcasts). Here is where they intersect around the question you posed, to my mind:
On suicide: the question is why is suicide more prevalent in some societies than other. One observation was that, in the US, suicide is far more common among white people than black people. Now there are many possible explanations for this, but one explanation that also explained the low rate of suicide in developing or third world countries too, is that when people who might experience depression or depressive episodes examine their lives, they subconsciously look to explain or contextualize their feelings. People in third world countries (for instance) may experience massively high rates of infant mortality, disease, famine - they KNOW why they are struggling. The corollary in the US among white/black suicide rates is black people may be able to look at structural racism and inequity as reasons behind their struggles; they see likeness in the challenges faced by other black people. White people are less often able to do so, and hence blame intrinsic rather than extrinsic factors, experience a higher sense of "helplessness" and thus, consider or commit suicide more often.
Now, this is a highly distilled characterization of the entire piece, and of course suicide is not a rational act, and "blame" is too simplified a term. But hopefully this makes some sense.
That's part 1 of my long winded thoughts.
Part 2 is this: the other podcast I listened to had to do with the internet, and in particular went through a comparison of twitter (which is essentially uncurated by advertisers) and facebook (which is driven by advertisers and curated as such). The narrator compared her twitter and facebook feeds in the days and weeks following the death of Michael Brown. Her twitter feed was dominated by discussions of race, police brutality and structural racism. Her facebook feed was dominated by the ice-bucket challenge. Why? because the facebook advertiser driven algorithm rewards "likes" and user-uploaded videos. So babies, marriages, anniversaries and sunsets beget likes and hence more of the same, ultimately yielding a cheerful echo chamber, scrubbed of challenging or non-like-minded stories. And stories and posts that don't home to this metric end up buried.
So - what should we, fragile white folk, do? We should (a) listen with our ears, hearts and minds and not our mouths, re-post and like the pieces that challenge our fragile white experiences, and spend more time engaging in places that don't comprise white echo chambers. If we dig ourselves out of our insular existence we might be better able to open our minds to the fact that our own privileged experiences do not match those of all other people.
I realize this is not a solution, but in the spirit of not throwing my hands in the air or crying with frustration - there you go.
And like I mentioned over the weekend, I'm scared shitless at what's going to happen to interracial couples and families when the cross sections of white fragility+ the Loving movie in wide release + Donald Trump's rhetoric+ "I'm not a racist" racism and the POTUS election all meet this November.
And the issue is everywhere. Did you see where Summer got racially profiled in Germany and the police called to make sure she was married to a German?
I struggle with this, and try to be mindful when responding to others. Part of it is that I'm opinionated as hell and I voice that opinion. I try to remember that when we're talking about experiences, each person's is different.
Oh, and don't think I didn't notice the latest person who pointed out a WOC being "angry" on here didn't try to slink back the other day.
Look we see this all the time ON HERE. When the WOC finally got tired and stood up for themselves, people were called angry and one of our beloved members was actually retaliated against IN HER PERSONAL LIFE. Then folks had the fucking nerve to be offended at the side eyes coming their way when they were suspected of being involved and deleting post histories due to some bullshit story. None of this shocks me anymore. I know there are plenty of whispers about how we are off the hook this year. Keep whispering because I won't be "calming down" anytime soon.
I mean, someone on here RECENTLY told @kirkette to calm down when there weren't even any capslocks thrown. This board has opened my eyes to a LOT, sometimes by rightfully handing me my ass. It sucks that I HAD to learn it at 32 freaking years old, though. I think a lot of it comes down to an unwillingness to listen. People want to talk and be defensive rather than shut up and REALLY listen. People don't listen when you are nice and polite and wait your turn, but then act all shocked when voices get louder.
And like I mentioned over the weekend, I'm scared shitless at what's going to happen to interracial couples and families when the cross sections of white fragility+ the Loving movie in wide release + Donald Trump's rhetoric+ "I'm not a racist" racism and the POTUS election all meet this November.
And the issue is everywhere. Did you see where Summer got racially profiled in Germany and the police called to make sure she was married to a German?
I struggle with this, and try to be mindful when responding to others. Part of it is that I'm opinionated as hell and I voice that opinion. I try to remember that when we're talking about experiences, each person's is different.
Oh, and don't think I didn't notice the latest person who pointed out a WOC being "angry" on here didn't try to slink back the other day.
And the issue is everywhere. Did you see where Summer got racially profiled in Germany and the police called to make sure she was married to a German?
The fuck?
Yup meshaliuknits, she was riding her bicycle on the opposite side of the street which isn't legal but everyone does it? The police stopped her, meanwhile white people are riding their bikes by her, on the wrong side of the street. The cops called some office to make sure she was married to a German and then one of the officers started sorta apologizing once they realized she was American. They most likely thought she was a Muslim immigrant. She got a ticket for 20 Euros, meanwhile White folks are doing the same thing and not a one gets pulled over. I seriously sat and cried when she told that story, H had to calm me down.
And the issue is everywhere. Did you see where Summer got racially profiled in Germany and the police called to make sure she was married to a German?
Everywhere. It's everywhere! We've had many discussions about keeping a copy of our marriage license in our car, when we hang out in Los Angeles, late night. This is so, when we're heading home from a cocktail party, or event, people (including the police) don't mistake us for a John and a Prostitute. I wish I were joking. These are really strategic discussions we have to make.
Additionally, my cousins ("scary" black males in their young 20s) and I also have a game plan in place, because our parents are traveling this month. Their house is so high tech, and we realized there aren't enough spare keys. If you try the wrong door code more than twice, the electrical system in the house locks you out, and calls the police. The police arrive in < 2 minutes from that point.
We were like, "Fuck guys. If the silent alarm goes off, and the neighbors aren't around, how are we going to prove to the cops that this $850,000 house, with 7 shiny cars out front are actually ours, before they draw weapons. They're going to think it's a breaking, even though we're in normal clothes. Who will come to our defense?". Can white folk imagine having to game plan, how to avoid getting wrongfully murdered, by those you've hired to protect you, in your own extended private drive way?
I recently talked to my mom and she said she keeps a utility bill in her purse in case she ever needs to prove her address. She said she gets looks, and she's even reminded my sister to be observant and careful. Don't be thinkin' white folks aren't watching a group of young Black adults/college students. They don't care that you're minding your own business. If you happen to be in the wrong place and catch the attention of a racist asshole hellbent on fucking up your life because you're Black and "look suspicious," it could literally cost you your life. Living in a college town doesn't make life less risky for Black people. I can only hope my sister hears what we're saying.
I always felt... not right when I'd venture too far from Atlanta proper, but this shit happens everywhere.
I think one of the things that bothers me most is the dismissive nature that folks have when POC discuss racial issues. Andf I mean I get it based from our discussions here, that white folks I sincerely believe, thought there was some real benefit in the "colorblind" ideology.
I mean - it sounds good. Live up to Dr. King's dream about being judged on the content of your character. But, as we can all see, that didn't stop discrimination. It evolved. No one sees obvious white supremacists (well except they are out protesting today) much anymore. But, it does nothing to address systemic issues which is the thing black folks are busy pointing out. Because of that, I imagine that it must take some serious steps to really hear what minorities are saying.
So, this dismissive action by white folks is really a slap in the face. It's "I don't believe you. I don't trust your experience. You're lying." I'll be honest, this was very much the reason that I let TTT know that I was tired of it. Tired of folks telling me - especially when you don't live in MY world - where race applies. C'mon man. All the times I have to fight stereotypes. All the times I see disparate treatment. It's disingenuous.
Everywhere. It's everywhere! We've had many discussions about keeping a copy of our marriage license in our car, when we hang out in Los Angeles, late night. This is so, when we're heading home from a cocktail party, or event, people (including the police) don't mistake us for a John and a Prostitute. I wish I were joking. These are really strategic discussions we have to make.
Additionally, my cousins ("scary" black males in their young 20s) and I also have a game plan in place, because our parents are traveling this month. Their house is so high tech, and we realized there aren't enough spare keys. If you try the wrong door code more than twice, the electrical system in the house locks you out, and calls the police. The police arrive in < 2 minutes from that point.
We were like, "Fuck guys. If the silent alarm goes off, and the neighbors aren't around, how are we going to prove to the cops that this $850,000 house, with 7 shiny cars out front are actually ours, before they draw weapons. They're going to think it's a breaking, even though we're in normal clothes. Who will come to our defense?". Can white folk imagine having to game plan, how to avoid getting wrongfully murdered, by those you've hired to protect you, in your own extended private drive way?
I recently talked to my mom and she said she keeps a utility bill in her purse in case she ever needs to prove her address. She said she gets looks, and she's even reminded my sister to be observant and careful. Don't be thinkin' white folks aren't watching a group of young Black adults/college students. They don't care that you're minding your own business. If you happen to be in the wrong place and catch the attention of a racist asshole hellbent on fucking up your life because you're Black and "look suspicious," it could literally cost you your life. Living in a college town doesn't make life less risky for Black people. I can only hope my sister hears what we're saying.
I always felt... not right when I'd venture too far from Atlanta proper, but this shit happens everywhere.
Yup. Like that time the security guard followed me and my laughing friends in the store. Because black folks laughing = shoplifting.
I recently talked to my mom and she said she keeps a utility bill in her purse in case she ever needs to prove her address. She said she gets looks, and she's even reminded my sister to be observant and careful. Don't be thinkin' white folks aren't watching a group of young Black adults/college students. They don't care that you're minding your own business. If you happen to be in the wrong place and catch the attention of a racist asshole hellbent on fucking up your life because you're Black and "look suspicious," it could literally cost you your life. Living in a college town doesn't make life less risky for Black people. I can only hope my sister hears what we're saying.
I always felt... not right when I'd venture too far from Atlanta proper, but this shit happens everywhere.
Yup. Like that time the security guard followed me and my laughing friends in the store. Because black folks laughing = shoplifting.
Weren't you and 1234FIF! followed in the airport too?
Yup meshaliuknits, she was riding her bicycle on the opposite side of the street which isn't legal but everyone does it? The police stopped her, meanwhile white people are riding their bikes by her, on the wrong side of the street. The cops called some office to make sure she was married to a German and then one of the officers started sorta apologizing once they realized she was American. They most likely thought she was a Muslim immigrant. She got a ticket for 20 Euros, meanwhile White folks are doing the same thing and not a one gets pulled over. I seriously sat and cried when she told that story, H had to calm me down.
OMG. She must have been furious. I'm furious for her!
If I hear a white person say Black persons are too angry or something along those lines (and actually I have witnessed Latinos saying the same about Black persons lately on social media), and it is the first time I hear it, I will challenge them with specific scenarios and ask if the shoe was on the other foot, how would they feel about things. And generally there is one of two reactions - 1) closed-mindedness and dismissiveness (of various degrees from blowing off to name calling and extremism), 2) openness and questions and sometimes taking a pause while other times admitting one is wrong.
I'd say it's a 90/10 split respectively, and on a good day. And that is because I try to surround myself with open-minded people.
So at this point I have to evaluate whether there is a white privilege issue or a racist/values issue at play and figure out where to go from there.
I've trimmed down my circle of friends considerably in the last year and a half.
I lurk a lot, and haven't been around very long, but I truly did question whether or not to continue to post here when I saw a black woman being told to calm down recently, when 1) she appeared to me to be perfectly calm and 2) maybe I didn't check back enough, but there didn't seem to me to be that much outrage over it.
I unfriended a woman who I thought was my 10th grade best friend, but who was constantly questioning BLM on FB, told me the phrase should be black lives too, and a couple days later posted the most horrifyingly racist video of a black girl talking about all of the things wrong with black people.
In general, I'm beginning to feel like white fragility is an even bigger thing than I originally thought, though I am not aware what I personally, if anything, can do to affect change. I mean, I could go around telling people to get over themselves, but there comes a point when I'd like to shift my focus to taking care of my own mental health.
Can white folk imagine having to game plan, how to avoid getting wrongfully murdered, by those you've hired to protect you, in your own extended private drive way?
I know this is a rhetorical question but the answer is no.
But I also know that the gut instinct of fragile white people, when hearing that question extended, is to retort "oh COME ON." And to deny that it happens or to dismiss this sort of planning as hysterical, unnecessary and "racist." I can practically hear it.
When I do hear something like that I can push back against it. Challenge the assertion that because it's not been the experience of a white person that it's not legitimate or real.