Post by worriedae on Sept 10, 2012 12:56:07 GMT -5
Speaking as someone who just found out that her husband has been cheating for a year and a half... I'd decline the lunch, do some snooping, and then ask point blank after the kids go to bed if he knows who the panties belong to.
I NEVER thought my husband would cheat. Ever. Everyone I've told is shocked and stunned that he'd do this. He lied so often and so easily that it became second nature to him. I would snoop and see if you find anything suspicious before confronting because I had no idea what a good liar my husband had become.
It says on the website that small is for a hip size of 35-36 inches. Are there really second graders with hips that size?!
It's not fat Tuesday, but yes. I have seen some overweight 2 graders who could certainly wear an adult size if the large in a child's size were too small.
One of my niece's is obese; she is 6 and wears a girls' 14 which could also be a woman's small. She is 6. By the time she is 8, she will be wearing a woman's med-large. It doesn't sound like this is the case here, but it's possible. Also, girls like things and they don't necessarily care about the size. If these were on sale and she wanted them, I can see an 8 year old getting them even if they didn't fit...
I think there is still room for non-cheating explanations. However, OP, the fact that you don't seem to think cheating is outside of the realm of possibility seems more telling to me than anything else.
I like the idea of asking your 4-year-old, but if he doesn't know then I would still wait until he is in bed to ask your husband (assuming you're not already there asking him at lunch).
I completely disagree with the idea that if you consider cheating it means you have trust issues and your marriage is in trouble. I don't know any woman who in your situation wouldn't think "Wait! Am I being duped here?" I think that's pretty normal and is "telling" only of the reality that there is not a single one of us who doesn't know someone whose husband cheated on them and they never saw it coming.
Clearly I didn't explain myself well, but with the bolded you are putting words into my mouth that I did not say.
OP, what I meant is not that you have trust issues, but that your intuition may be telling you something that your conscious mind hadn't yet recognized. I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope it turns out for the best.
I completely disagree with the idea that if you consider cheating it means you have trust issues and your marriage is in trouble. I don't know any woman who in your situation wouldn't think "Wait! Am I being duped here?" I think that's pretty normal and is "telling" only of the reality that there is not a single one of us who doesn't know someone whose husband cheated on them and they never saw it coming.
Clearly I didn't explain myself well, but with the bolded you are putting words into my mouth that I did not say.
OP, what I meant is not that you have trust issues, but that your intuition may be telling you something that your conscious mind hadn't yet recognized. I'm sorry you are in this situation and I hope it turns out for the best.
I see what you are saying, but I still don't think it necessarily means that her subconscious is telling her anything.
Post by jillboston on Sept 10, 2012 13:30:40 GMT -5
If I found panties I'd suspect DH. But we don't have kids and don't have neighborhood kids coming in and out either. I think all human beings are inherently suspicious though.
If I found panties I'd suspect DH. But we don't have kids and don't have neighborhood kids coming in and out either. I think all human beings are inherently suspicious though.
ITA. I mean are there many women who wouldn't automatically wonder or do a ^o) (at least)?
If I found panties I'd suspect DH. But we don't have kids and don't have neighborhood kids coming in and out either. I think all human beings are inherently suspicious though.
ITA. I mean are there many women who wouldn't automatically wonder or do a (at least)?
Honestly if this happened and cheating didn't even cross a persons mind, I'd think that person was being overly naive. The "I KNOW my H would never ever cheat on me" posts are always eye-roll worthy for me.
If I found panties I'd suspect DH. But we don't have kids and don't have neighborhood kids coming in and out either. I think all human beings are inherently suspicious though.
ITA. I mean are there many women who wouldn't automatically wonder or do a (at least)?
Oh, that would definitely be my first thought. I'd then try to find some other explanation. In our circle, it wouldn't be shocking if underwear wound up some place it shouldn't if alcohol were involved. (One New Year's Day, I found a pair of tights in my purse that were too small for me, and it took me sending out a tweet to my friends to figure out how they got there.) But yeah, my first thought would still be H.
Once people are crying CHEATER!!!!, tho, I think it is hard to get that out of your head. FFS this is a part of undies and most people here are "there is totally a non cheating explanation for that" when a post about a found piece of jewelry in house lead to 12+ pages of "that motherfucker is a cheating ass cheater!!"
i just find the responses funny
Yup and I think that's a big reason why people rarely post this kind of crap under their regular SN anymore.
I trust H and even my mind would go there as soon as I saw women's undies. But then I'd tell myself to calm down and tell myself that there may be a rational explanation for this (especially since in our case, we use a laundry room that's shared with the rest of our complex).
ITA. I mean are there many women who wouldn't automatically wonder or do a (at least)?
Honestly if this happened and cheating didn't even cross a persons mind, I'd think that person was being overly naive. The "I KNOW my H would never ever cheat on me" posts are always eye-roll worthy for me.
Also eye-roll worthy are the automatic assumptions that the H is cheating. See previous poster and the whore tank top.
Look, I'm the ex-wife of a serial cheater. I know a cheating ass cheater when I see one. If I told ya'll half the shit I went through, I could have a super fantastic movie on my hands. Because trust, it would make a good one.
Here's the damage of the Instant Jump to Yo Ass Be Cheating. If there is no evidence to support said cheating behavior, you risk antagonizing your spouse and creating some hurt feelings along the lines of "OMG HOW COULD YOU THINK!" And then, "is this marriage so bad ..." Or if you do the presentation in some super snarky fucked up way, you have a spouse who could say some mean shit back. Because trust, I have a tongue that can whip out hurtful shit quicker than a Porsche can go from zero to sixty.
Ya'll need to act like you are grown. I get real tired of watching women play tired ass games with their spouses, then you wonder why men say women crazy. Look at the BS flying around this post. That's why men tune women the fuck out. Stop that shit. If you don't know who the fuck the panties belong to, then ask.
But also, don't run around here acting like there must be something wrong when a woman says she wouldn't automatically assume her H is cheating. I trust that my H isn't slangin' his dick all over the city. If that makes me a fool for believing that homeboy has the good sense to only pull that thing out when I ask for it, so be it, but please ya'll need to go some where and sit down with this foolishness.
What I really think is that there have been some instances of Cheaters Gone Wild on this board, and now everybody and their momma thinks that a husband is cheating.
Honestly if this happened and cheating didn't even cross a persons mind, I'd think that person was being overly naive. The "I KNOW my H would never ever cheat on me" posts are always eye-roll worthy for me.
Also eye-roll worthy are the automatic assumptions that the H is cheating. See previous poster and the whore tank top.
Look, I'm the ex-wife of a serial cheater. I know a cheating ass cheater when I see one. If I told ya'll half the shit I went through, I could have a super fantastic movie on my hands. Because trust, it would make a good one.
Here's the damage of the Instant Jump to Yo Ass Be Cheating. If there is no evidence to support said cheating behavior, you risk antagonizing your spouse and creating some hurt feelings along the lines of "OMG HOW COULD YOU THINK!" And then, "is this marriage so bad ..." Or if you do the presentation in some super snarky fucked up way, you have a spouse who could say some mean shit back. Because trust, I have a tongue that can whip out hurtful shit quicker than a Porsche can go from zero to sixty.
Ya'll need to act like you are grown. I get real tired of watching women play tired ass games with their spouses, then you wonder why men say women crazy. Look at the BS flying around this post. That's why men tune women the fuck out. Stop that shit. If you don't know who the fuck the panties belong to, then ask.
But also, don't run around here acting like there must be something wrong when a woman says she wouldn't automatically assume her H is cheating. I trust that my H isn't slangin' his dick all over the city. If that makes me a fool for believing that homeboy has the good sense to only pull that thing out when I ask for it, so be it, but please ya'll need to go some where and sit down with this foolishness.
What I really think is that there have been some instances of Cheaters Gone Wild on this board, and now everybody and their momma thinks that a husband is cheating.
I wouldn't do the tank top whore scene complete w/ziplock baggies of whore smells. But I would be suspicous and as calmly as possible ask DH if he knew anything about them. I do not believe he is a cheater and I do believe I could tell he was lying if I looked him in the eye - if that makes any sense. I would go crazy ass only if he got shifty. I thankfully have not had the occasion to catch him in any lie - but I am confident that I'd know it if I saw it.
Jillboston - That's fine. I've said repeatedly, that she just needs to ask. I never said not to ask him. Ask all day long, but be an adult. You aren't on an episode of law and order. Women get all these OMG scenarios going on. Just ask the question. You know when you hear a lie. That is all.
Because he is far, far too lazy to put forth the effort of trying to sneak around and lie about it. FAR too lazy.
Lol, this was my thought. It really wouldn't even be too hard for DH with our schedules but he's a terrible liar and I can't see him having to put that much work into cover stories and stuff.
OP just has to ask her H straight out and hear what he has to say, and how he reacts.
I'm team worriedae. I would snoop FIRST, and if you find anything questionable I would get some cash out and make copies of anything suspicious.
If you don't find anything snooping I'd just ask him. I think given the # of people in your house lately its totally plausible they aren't from your DH cheating, but I'd snoop first just in case.
Oh and ditto asking the 4-year old. They are smart!
... Here's the damage of the Instant Jump to Yo Ass Be Cheating. If there is no evidence to support said cheating behavior, you risk antagonizing your spouse and creating some hurt feelings along the lines of "OMG HOW COULD YOU THINK!" And then, "is this marriage so bad ..." ...
But also, don't run around here acting like there must be something wrong when a woman says she wouldn't automatically assume her H is cheating. I trust that my H isn't slangin' his dick all over the city. If that makes me a fool for believing that homeboy has the good sense to only pull that thing out when I ask for it, so be it, but please ya'll need to go some where and sit down with this foolishness. ...
I agree, nitaw. I would rather live in a marriage where I trust my husband is not cheating first, and then work through the possibilities, including re-evaluating why I think the way I do, when something strange comes up. Then ask, listen, and re-assess based on the new evidence.
Also, my husband is really dumb when it comes to women. He would have no idea how to even begin to have an affair. The last time he got hit on at a bar he was out with all his friends, and he got really irritated because this girl kept telling him that she wanted to take him home and he was all "I TOLD you, I already have a ride. Why do you keep telling me to go home??"
I would not have believed it if his friends didn't all give him shit about it for months afterwards.
Also, my husband is really dumb when it comes to women. He would have no idea how to even begin to have an affair. The last time he got hit on at a bar he was out with all his friends, and he got really irritated because this girl kept telling him that she wanted to take him home and he was all "I TOLD you, I already have a ride. Why do you keep telling me to go home??"
I would not have believed it if his friends didn't all give him shit about it for months afterwards.
Post by incognitomosquito on Sept 10, 2012 14:28:56 GMT -5
Ok, I had lunch. I wasn't planning to bring it up yet, but DS went off to stare at the fountain in the patio where we were eating, out of earshot, etc. DH could tell something was up. Kept asking if I was ok, because we've been an a nauseatingly lovey dovey thing lately, and I was a bit reserved.
So I was straightforward, and calm, not accusing -- this is what I found, they aren't mine, I'd like to know whose they are. He seemed as stunned as me and said he had no idea. I let the silence hang there for a bit rather than trying to throw explanations in for him, as I tend to do (I hate uncomfortable silence). He said, "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say here, I have no clue." I said he must have put them in the hamper because I didn't. He said he doesn't remember, but he does think he probably scooped up random bits of the kids' dirty clothes, but he really doesn't think undies were in there.
He asked if I was sure they weren't mine. LOL. No. He then asked if they could be the little girl's. He said that when I was getting ready for the game that the girl ran upstairs (directly against DH, who said "no,") and was up there for awhile. There is a bathroom in my boys' room, so, not impossible that they were hers, even though the nanny said they weren't.
He thought through who had been at our house and eliminated people. He said that even though his mom was there he doubted they were hers. He doubted they were the babysitters because they looked too small. He brought up that maybe his brother had something to do with it, but even he thought that was really bizarre and a little implausible. His brother is super private and they definitely wouldn't have discussed any "hooking up" from Friday, but when DH was sitting next to his brother's phone on the couch Sunday, a text came through from a girl with a smiley face. He didn't read it b/c he didn't want to snoop.
He also considered whether his friend had them, but found that less likely, as his friend was in our house for a pretty brief time.
Even though I don't really know more than I did this morning, I feel better. He seemed completely sincere, didn't get angry, and seemed to genuinely feel bad that I've had a paranoid morning. He gently reminded me of how great things have been lately, and though he would never cheat on me regardless of how we were getting along, that he would be crazy to mess things up when they are pretty much the best they've ever been.
My intuition doesn't tell me he cheated. Just my general anxiety. I take medication for it. I feel that if 60% of married people cheat at some point, it stands to reason that some of their spouses had no suspicions at all. I just couldn't help but entertain the possibility, but I think it's more a comment on me than him, as he hasn't done anything to make me suspicious.
I have to realize that there are innocent explanations that may defy me finding out conclusively. Yet another possibility I just considered was that I hired some house-cleaners to help last week, young women, and one of them could've changed to go to another job.
My best friend thinks I shouldn't rest until I know for sure, but I think the cost of asking questions might cause more harm than good. Asking my neighbor (the wife not the nanny), BIL, my MIL, the babysitter, the housecleaners...all of these possible conversations give me hives thinking about it.
I felt very reassured after talking to DH, but would you let it go or keep digging?
Snooping is a tall order in my house because he is the computer master. And he uses his cell phone as his work phone, so analyzing our bill would get me nowhere, he must make calls to dozens of unfamiliar numbers.
And I was going to post this earlier, but I'll just piggy back on Nitaw's post... if I found undies at our house that weren't mine, I wouldn't even think my husband is cheating. That could make me naive, but I'm okay with that and y'all can feel free to remind me of this if I ever come here and announce my husband is cheating on me. However, I would be really hurt and angry if my husband thought I was cheating based on the same thing, so I assume my husband would feel the same way and I 100% trust he isn't out on the prowl. Maybe I'm the fool, but that's something I'll have to live with.
OP, the fact that you don't seem to think cheating is outside of the realm of possibility seems more telling to me than anything else.
Really? I don't. Seems pretty normal to me.
It seems normal that your first reaction is that your spouse is cheating?
I've found weird things in my laundry that weren't my size, not my husband's. I normally chalk it up to the fact that we share a laundry room.
I once found a pair of tight black boy shorts. I jokingly asked my husband who they belonged to, and they were seriously a pair he had bought for himself. That was weird.
ETA: Not saying it's not one of many possible explanations, but I would absolutely not have my thumb hovering over the number for a lawyer just yet.
OP - My advice is to leave it alone. You have too many people in your house to have any concrete evidence that your H is cheating. File it in the mental log and if some other strange stuff happens, break out the mental rolodex and figure it out.
TBH, I would leave it alone but I am not suspicious, in general, nor is it something I am anxious about.
If I were you, I'd determine what would cause me the most anxiety (and I would explain it this way to my husband, as well, and based on how you've described him here, it seems like he would be open to this like mine would) and pick that route as far as what to do. So, if not knowing causes me more anxiety, then I'd do what I could to get to the bottom of it. If digging/asking questions would cause me more anxiety, then I'd leave it alone. I'd also ask my husband to help me get to the bottom of it, if I did decide to do that.
It seems normal that your first reaction is that your spouse is cheating?
I've found weird things in my laundry that weren't my size, not my husband's. I normally chalk it up to the fact that we share a laundry room.
I once found a pair of tight black boy shorts. I jokingly asked my husband who they belonged to, and they were seriously a pair he had bought for himself. That was weird.
ETA: Not saying it's not one of many possible explanations, but I would absolutely not have my thumb hovering over the number for a lawyer just yet.
IDK, it seems to me that most of the women here said their minds would at least go there....maybe not stay there, but go there. Persoanlly, I'd rather my mind go there and be wrong, then not have my mind go there and be wrong.
If you're satisfied with his response I would just let it go. My parents' cleaning lady uses old clothes as rags. There could be so many other explanations that there's no sense in going crazy about it.