I'm not sure how to articulate this, but my H definitely feels older than he is. Mostly because he doesn't take care of himself - doesn't sleep enough, doesn't manage stress well, doesn't make time for physical therapy and exercise - all things that will only get worse with a little kid in the picture
I simply do not believe anyone who says their lifestyle didn't change much from childfree to one child.
Unless some people are living a radically different lifestyle than I am as a childfree person (which, I suppose is possible).
Meh, my life didn't change a huge amount. H and I were part of a large group of friends who didn't have kids. Then we and another couple each got pregnant at age 39. We still hung out with the whole group, until we moved to a different state. We visit them and they visit us; we've traveled to over 20 states with DD. She was a great sleeper, so after the fourth month she was on our sleep schedule. It was pretty fun!
Then we had a second kid, who was a terrible sleeper, and THEN everything changed forever, lol.
We were both ambivalent, probably leaning towards no. I got pregnant off of one time of us being lazy, and was in deep denial about being pregnant for awhile. It has turned out well though and now I want a bunch of kids.
But, some things that play into it that are very person dependent... We have no extended family other then my parents who are both older. We move every few years for my husband's job, so although I keep in contact with people we don't have roots or life long friends that are like family. I had a job, but not really a career and with my husband's job mine always kinda came second so I didn't really give anything up there. I decided to stay at home and now I go out and do so much more stuff then I ever did baby free. I'm not a self motivated person, and inheriantly pretty lazy so I always thought that would be a terrible combo with being a parent. But it works out well, having a kid motivates me to get up and out of the house and make plans.
So idk probably not helpful lol. I don't think we wouldve ever "tried" to get pregnant if it hadn't happened. Whenever people asked about kids I always joked I enjoy sleep and money too much.
Just reading your post you definitely don't sound like you want kids. No desire to be parents. Nothing about that lifestyle looking appealing.
I also don't believe posters that their lifestyle did not change when they had kids. Come on. 9 months of pregnancy didn't change it? Not sleeping for a year didn't change it? The only way I believe that is if they have round the clock nannies.
I do have kids, so I am not trying to talk anyone out of it. If you aren't sure I would explore that in counseling maybe that could provide the insight. I am not sure if regret is a strong enough reason to balance out your other reasons.
goldengirlz , ssmjlm , 100 percent agreed on the husband front. I've been able to go after my career and do the things I want to do - more or less - after his babyhood because DH is an equal partner or even takes on more of the traditional parenting tasks. I'm also an introvert and driven by my job. I joke that I'm the 50s dad who needs to unwind with my newspaper and a drink while H does dinner and manages the boy. I would give my life for my child but DH was the one who wanted to parent and he goes at it 150 percent.
Thank you for sharing this. I am leaning toward no kids but my H wants one, and I’m pretty sure I would feel exactly the same way.
My H is really hung up on not wanting to be an “old dad” (turning 33 this year) and wants to have a kid soon, so we’re going to have to work through that 😣
My H is getting ready to turn 37 and this is why we're feeling the pressure to decide. Also, my mom always told me that 2 kids was way easier than having 1 because when we got older, we played with each other and she never had to entertain us. When I think about the timespan of having 2 kids, that would put is until our 40s at this point.
Our parents were in an era where kids left and came home when the street lights came on. I was roaming around my neighborhood like a feral cat. Please keep in mind that things are VERY different now, literally all my parents and DHs parents advice doesn't apply at best, or is like...illegal now at worst lol.
Probably depends on your social life pre-kids. We mostly hang out with a group of 4 couples and their kids, so it’s not a huge deal to bring our daughter and still have fun. I still have girl’s nights often as my husband is great about staying home with her. Sometimes we take turns hanging out with our friend group individually and the other stays home. My mom also babysits at least once a month. I think as long as you have a supportive partner and one good option for babysitting, it’s possible.
But, you still have to get up with them in the morning. Lol. And SO many other things!!
Lol! Having them when you’re old helps it not be a big deal. She’s only 11 months and is now sleeping later than my natural wake up time. If I had her at 25 it would have sucked. I haven’t slept later than 7am in a decade! My answer was probably more simple than it is, but honestly we’re less than a year in, and I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to do whatever I want whenever I want. You adapt but I truly do believe I’d be just as happy without kids. It’s a different kind of happy.
I was on the fence and married someone who wanted kids, although I think he would have been okay not having one.
We have 1 DD who is 5 and we love her, and we love our family but it was a very difficult journey to get there. Before we started trying, I was not the sort of person who would do anything to be a mum. I then lost 4 pregnancies, one life threatening to me and the other requiring me to make a decision no one should have to make, going through labour and not bringing home that daughter... It took a huge toll on me and continues to affect my outlook on life and my parenting.
I do not regret having DD, and I love her more than anything, but I do wonder if I'd known from the beginning what it was going to take - would I have started at all?
But definitely love having a single child for reasons mentioned by PPS who are one and done.
I'm here. I drove the conversations in my marriage about having kids because I felt "ready" before my wife did, but I was largely ambivalent about it before we had infertility. When it turned out we couldn't just have a kid it was like a switch flipped. I was ALL IN, except nothing was working and it kept breaking our hearts over and over and over again. I've said a million times that if I'd known how hard it would be I never would have decided to try.... but also that once we tried so hard, and lost so many pregnancies it would have been really, really hard to imagine not having a child somehow.
We will be one and done and while he is the love of my life I'm still not sure how the whole experience hasn't broken me. It definitely fundamentally changed who I am as a person. Also one child seems vastly easier and less expensive than more than one, but I have nothing to compare it to. My son is also a very easy baby (and has only been alive for 4 months so far lol), so we have that going for us.
Post by heliocentric on Jan 25, 2021 16:33:11 GMT -5
As a 48 year old who is CFBC I feel like I should have something insightful to add, but I don't. We've been married for 17 years and struggled with the decision for the first 5 or so. We bought books, made checklists, and had lots of discussions. Each time we'd agree to put it off for a year. One year became two and so on. Eventually we realized we had been placing pressure on ourselves to think about kids because we felt like we were supposed to make it a big discussion and have lots of reasons for or against. There seems to be more burden to justify not having kids than having them. Saying, "I just want kids" is accepted, but saying "I just don't want kids" doesn't feel sufficient. But it IS sufficient. And that's ultimately what we accepted. Neither of us have an desire. That's enough.
I did have to learn to be breezier about it. I used to cringe if the topic came up (mentally running through my list of reasons), but now I'm confident in being straightforward about being CFBC because no explanation is needed. I've talked to a few older CFBC women at work (one in her late 50s and one in her late 60s) and neither had any regrets. In fact, they are two of the most interesting people I know.
Also, I will say that as someone who talks to people almost daily about sexual and reproductive health, many people are very ambivalent about pregnancy and being parents. I think the research shows this. It's also the reason many of us hate the term "unplanned" pregnancy.
So anyway, kind of a tangent, but I just wanted to point that out for OP. Maybe it's not talked about enough, but ambivalence towards pregnancy and whether or not to parent is very common.
Thanks for mentioning this, I hate the term unplanned pregnancy, unless you take birth control to the T, and/or a condom breaks, or a failed vasectomy (and a few other medical reasons). I feel like so many people throw out the term unplanned when they were using zero protection or weren’t doing ovulation trackers, temping, etc.
"not trying not preventing." Um, if you're not preventing you are trying! I will say having to put even the remotest amount of thought into getting pregnant (vs just throwing caution to the wind) does make you really weigh the pros and cons. Logically/practically there are SO many more cons than pros, but the heart wants what the heart wants I guess!
Post by Patsy Baloney on Jan 25, 2021 16:40:29 GMT -5
We were pretty ambivalent - kids always seemed like an unattainable expense, tbh!
I had a surprise pregnancy, and six years later, we decided to have another.
I really love being a parent, but man, I think I would really love not having any children at all.
It’s just different paths and there’s no right answer. When H and I didn’t have children, we were so, so happy and made our own traditions and had great trips and all kinds of good stuff. Now that we have kids, we’ve got different stuff, still good.
I do think there’s so much societal pressure to have kids, it can be hard to shake that feeling of, “We’ve GOT to do this.” But you don’t. Like I said, different paths, all great lives.
ETA - lol the sequence of these posts - we were preventing. I got pregnant anyway. Surprise! And lots of crying, lol.
I think the impact of having kids "older" depends so much on your own mental and physical health, and you just don't know what kind of challenges you'll have. I had my kids at 33 and 37, and I found it very hard on my body. They're 6 and 9 now, and I wish I had more energy.
You also don't know what challenges your kids will have. My son is on the autism spectrum and obviously I adore him for who he is, but autism brings extra challenges (like learning how to teach someone emotional and social skills that other kids just have, or learn by watching others) and needs extra energy, patience, advocacy, resources. My anxiety is through the roof because I'm always worried about doing the best for him, and he doesn't always have the skills to tell me what he needs or what's happening in his life. I always feel like I could be doing more, if I wasn't so freaking exhausted and 43.
Also - some siblings don't play together at all!!!! My cousin always told me two was easier for her, and I saw with my own eyes how her sons would go off and play together for hours while we had tea and talked. My kids do not play together. Ever. Not joking. It's my biggest challenge in parenting. Partly due to my son's lack of social skills and impulse control, they can't play together for more than 5 minutes without getting into a fight that my son will push as far as possible until someone is screaming or hurt. I feel like a total failure, but I've also come to learn that it's fairly common with kids with ASD/ADHD. So don't count on the kids entertaining each other!!
I never wanted kids. I met my now husband when I was 43 and he never wanted kids either. He had a vasectomy after we dated about a year, so that pretty much marked ‘paid’ on any potential kids, even if we had wanted them.
Fast forward 18 years and the idea never even comes up for either of us. At this point, both of us are over 60 and neither of us have had a single regret.
But, you still have to get up with them in the morning. Lol. And SO many other things!!
Lol! Having them when you’re old helps it not be a big deal. She’s only 11 months and is now sleeping later than my natural wake up time. If I had her at 25 it would have sucked. I haven’t slept later than 7am in a decade! My answer was probably more simple than it is, but honestly we’re less than a year in, and I’ve already forgotten what it’s like to do whatever I want whenever I want. You adapt but I truly do believe I’d be just as happy without kids. It’s a different kind of happy.
I'm 35 and still sleep until noon on the weekends if I don't have plans. Even getting up to be at my computer by 9ish is a struggle because I don't think I've been asleep before 1 am since last March. 😂 I've never been a morning person and working from home is making it so much worse.
Thank you for sharing this. I am leaning toward no kids but my H wants one, and I’m pretty sure I would feel exactly the same way.
My H is really hung up on not wanting to be an “old dad” (turning 33 this year) and wants to have a kid soon, so we’re going to have to work through that 😣
My H is getting ready to turn 37 and this is why we're feeling the pressure to decide. Also, my mom always told me that 2 kids was way easier than having 1 because when we got older, we played with each other and she never had to entertain us. When I think about the timespan of having 2 kids, that would put is until our 40s at this point.
That's nice for her. My brother and I fought like 2 cats in a sack whenever we were in a room alone together. I have 2 nephews who, while they're friends and close now, fought viciously and continuously for 10 years. I love them both, but their neverending fighting was high on the list of reasons for us to have one child.
OP, something you said (sorry, don't want to go back and find it) made me think you're waiting for your biological clock to kick in and worried that, when it finally does, you might be too old/it might be too late and you'll regret not having kids sooner. If I'm off-base, ignore me. But if that is the case, I wanted to tell you that, even though I didn't want kids, I assumed my biological clock would start ticking eventually because that's what everyone told me. Well, it didn't. I'm almost 46 and never had so much as an inkling of a tick. So don't feel pressured to make such a big decision now based on what you've been told will happen or what you think might happen in the future. It's not the same for everyone.
Thank you for sharing this. I am leaning toward no kids but my H wants one, and I’m pretty sure I would feel exactly the same way.
My H is really hung up on not wanting to be an “old dad” (turning 33 this year) and wants to have a kid soon, so we’re going to have to work through that 😣
My H is getting ready to turn 37 and this is why we're feeling the pressure to decide. Also, my mom always told me that 2 kids was way easier than having 1 because when we got older, we played with each other and she never had to entertain us. When I think about the timespan of having 2 kids, that would put is until our 40s at this point.
I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’ll share my story. H and I both always wanted kids in theory, but due to family circumstances, we waited. Meanwhile our friends started having kids and we saw how much work it was, and we kept putting it off. We enjoyed being DINKS and we traveled a bunch while trying to decide. A lot of it was fear of how it would change our lifestyle. When I turned 35, it was kind of a now or never situation and we decided to go for it. One of the things that pushed me for it was that I had started to get bored with our life and picturing it staying the same as we aged made me sad (not a judgement of anyone else’s choices, just my personal feelings). I had DD1 at 36 and DD2 at 39.
Being a parent ended up being so much harder than I expected. I had awful pregnancies both times, the first few years were so fucking hard (still in it with DD2). I love my kids and it was the right choice for me, but I do look back and miss my prekids life. Reading your post, you don’t sound like you want kids at all. More that you are worried about regretting not having them. I wonder if it’s harder for me because I am an older mom. I’m also hyper aware that I’m older than all my kids friends parents. I know it doesn’t matter, but it bums me out.
regading 2 vs 1 kid, there are pros and cons to that choice too. H and I knew it was 0 or 2. We both have siblings, so that was important to us. Our kids play together sometimes (which is a nice perk), but two feels like so much more work than 1 did! People say one kid is an accessory, two is a new lifestyle and I kind of think that’s true. With one kid, we were able to take turns and each have alone time or more time for our own interests/hobbies like prekids. One can tag along on adult trips. Two is all consuming and I pretty much never get a break anymore. It’s exhausting. I’m hoping this will get easier as they get older (they are 5.5 and 2 now).
i don’t mean to scare you away from having kids, but I feel like people always told me the sunshine and rainbows version of being a parent. The truth is that it is a lot of work (and sadly, more of that work will fall to the woman/mom no matter how much you try to avoid falling into gender stereotypes). With 2 demanding jobs and a H who travels, I’d really try to think through the logistics of adding a kid to your life. Do you have family nearby to help? Even if you outsource to a nanny or childcare, kids require a lot of time and energy and it has to come from somewhere.
Post by thedutchgirl on Jan 25, 2021 18:06:23 GMT -5
I turned 43 a couple weeks ago. I never wanted kids enough to try to have them with my XH, and I knew he wouldn't have been a good partner in having a child. I always acknowledged that in a different relationship, I likely would have had children. I met my partner 3.5 years ago. I thought the child ship had sailed, and he wasn't looking to have kids either, although he's several years younger than me.
Then we had a scare 18 months ago and realized we both were really disappointed. We waited about 9 months to pull the goalie, and learned within a few months that it will be a struggle for me to get pregnant due to infertility issues. We now want it enough that we are pursing IVF with donor eggs. One thing that really did hit me--and my biological clock never really started ticking--is that as I felt the window closing, I actually DID want it.
We'll be okay if it doesn't happen, or we may pursue adoption, but ambivalence really changed for us both, and it did surprise us. Without the scare, I'm not sure we would have realized that. And we would have been very happy being childfree as well.
My social life was the least of my issues after having a kid. Sure, I could tote the kid to friends’ houses or bars. But, it was the loss of day-to-day/hour-to-hour freedom that still knocks me over.
I used to work longer hours because my job is important to me; just like that I was on a daycare schedule. My job is creative and creativity is not boxed in by dropoff and pick off times. I also no longer could be sick. I’m not sure if there is anything worse than having a stomach virus with a toddler. Honestly. Migraine, puking, hungover? Your kid gives no fucks.
I have a very supportive husband and we both were jarred by lifestyle change.
I would kill to have the time and brain space to read a book. Perhaps in a few years...
Child free here. No regrets at all. We are so happy and we are a family. We are content with our choice and do not feel like we are "missing out' on anything.
noodleoo, you said it more eloquently than I did. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said. I think my mom blocked out all the hard stuff of parenting, so I thought I was a freak when I was struggling and depressed, and I didn't ask for help even though I needed it. And it's so true that a ton of stereotypes get shoved in your face no matter how you structure your family. Society still does expect completely different things from moms vs. dads, and it drives me crazy whenever I see how different expectations are of my H than they are for me.
We were ambivalent until my husband wasn’t. I was happy to give him a child. I had our daughter at 38. It really wasn’t ever much of a lifestyle change for us. She’s a great traveler and enjoys many of the same things we do.
Post by RoxMonster on Jan 25, 2021 18:23:48 GMT -5
DH and I decided to be child-free. We definitively made the choice about 9 years ago, a year after we got married.
Neither one of us ever really felt a pull to have children. It almost just felt like something you were "supposed" to do, and I felt immense relief when we both decided we didn't want to have them.
There are times I see my friends with kids having a lot of fun with their children and I wonder what it would be like but (in non-pandemic times), I can still do fun things with their kids without having my own kids. And I don't really feel like we are "missing out." We are just choosing to have different life experiences than our friends with kids have. Neither choice is right or wrong.
We don’t want kids and never have as a couple. I guess I thought I would in the abstract growing up but I had always thought through adoption or fostering. I had no interest in pregnancy or babies. We both taught K-8 for a while, children are fine but we don’t want to come home to one. We like traveling, having hobbies, being on our own schedule. I really don’t want to have to be responsible for anyone else day to day. I don’t have that sort of energy and I know if I had a kid I’d want to be involved in the city public schools and community groups or worse yet have to fake an interest in sports and that’s not for me.
We actually don’t even know many people who do have kids which is a little odd for our ages—at my age we could have a baby or be sending one off to college soon. We each have one sibling and they are both child free. We are friends with one couple with children but beyond that I only see kids at the store lol Even our neighbors don’t have children. So our lives are really child free.
I also feel like with global warming and other health/environmental crisis, I wouldn’t feel right having a kid who would have to deal with that. I can’t see it getting better and the pandemic has really driven home that you can’t even get people to do the most basic thing in the interest of the greater good. It’s bad enough I have to deal with it, why drag someone else into it?
OP, something you said (sorry, don't want to go back and find it) made me think you're waiting for your biological clock to kick in and worried that, when it finally does, you might be too old/it might be too late and you'll regret not having kids sooner. If I'm off-base, ignore me. But if that is the case, I wanted to tell you that, even though I didn't want kids, I assumed my biological clock would start ticking eventually because that's what everyone told me. Well, it didn't. I'm almost 46 and never had so much as an inkling of a tick. So don't feel pressured to make such a big decision now based on what you've been told will happen or what you think might happen in the future. It's not the same for everyone.
Im only 35, but same. I joke that someone took the batteries out my biological clock.
Honestly, the only thing about our lives that didn't change was the furniture - and if we didn't have kids we would have replaced it long ago.
Every little thing is at least slightly different than without kids - where we live, what I cook (some things work for two but are annoying to scale up), when we eat (often later and sometimes much earlier), where we eat, what I wear (because someone might pull on it), how I exercise, when I exercise, how we spend our free time, how much, when and where we travel, etc. Every conversation is either overheard, interrupted or delayed until after bedtime.
A second kid was a much smaller change than the first because the biggest changes were none to one.
My social life was the least of my issues after having a kid. Sure, I could tote the kid to friends’ houses or bars. But, it was the loss of day-to-day/hour-to-hour freedom that still knocks me over.
I used to work longer hours because my job is important to me; just like that I was on a daycare schedule. My job is creative and creativity is not boxed in by dropoff and pick off times. I also no longer could be sick. I’m not sure if there is anything worse than having a stomach virus with a toddler. Honestly. Migraine, puking, hungover? Your kid gives no fucks.
I have a very supportive husband and we both were jarred by lifestyle change.
I would kill to have the time and brain space to read a book. Perhaps in a few years...
We definitively closed the door due to my chronic migraines because the thought of being off my meds for 9 months coupled with trying to handle a newborn along with 20-25 headache days a month was, frankly, terrifying. Then I started the new anti-CGRP therapies and there was no going back because they obviously didn't hold trials for pregnant women.
With that said, I felt almost a relief that it was decided for me. When I was in my twenties I absolutely wanted two kids, then early to mid thirties I wanted OAD, and then I just...didn't. I know H regrets it but is resigned because he sees how much the constant pain has affected me over the past decade. We have a bunch of nieces and nephews (family and friends who are like family) and I love being the fun aunt who plays kitchen and reads books and takes them places (pre rona). I will spoil them and be there for every milestone and always, always support them.
But the day to day parenting life is not something I feel like I missed out on. And I'm good with that.