Yes I agree being pregnant and giving birth made me far more pro choice. I had a medically complicated high risk pregnancy, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. DS has had to have 5 surgeries some as minor as ear tubes and some very major. He was also hospitalized for bronchiolitis as an infant. It’s a lot of stress.
If you have a good reason for having kids, have kids. But don’t do it because others say you should. They are lying about how easy it is LOL.
I have known since I was 5 that I didn't want kids. I am CFBC or a "Not Mom" and wouldn't change it. I have no regrets. I am finally at the age now where strangers don't insist I have to have a child.
I have known since I was 5 that I didn't want kids. I am CFBC or a "Not Mom" and wouldn't change it. I have no regrets. I am finally at the age now where strangers don't insist I have to have a child.
This is me! My mom a few years ago gave me the hardest time. I finally broke it down that I don’t want kids, and never have. I didn’t play with dolls as a kid I played outside. A small part of me feels guilty that my parents won’t be grandparents but I can’t imagine wanting kids ever. I’m now in my late 30s and it’s not a question I get anymore.
My BIL just had his first and it’s made me realize even more that I like being an Aunt but am so glad it’s not my life.
I have always wanted to be a mom and love being a mom, but I can't imagine willingly choosing that path if I wasn't all in. Parenting is hard.
On a semi related note I'm always intrigued by people that feel like they need to give their child a sibling. I feel like only children get a bad rep. I have loved it, my DS was one for 10 years and would have been completely fine staying that way. Also there's no guarantee siblings will end up close. Shrug.
As an only child, I think this idea that only children are somehow suffering is is SO weird.
And even friends of mine who aren't close to their siblings and therefore KNOW that siblings aren't always BFFs have the societal pressure of "but when you're old, your child will have to deal with that all alone if you don't have another one!" in their minds as they decide whether or not to have another kid. I just do. not. get. either the concepts - that siblings will definitely support each other and/or that children will have to take care of their elderly parents - or the idea that people think it's a good idea to try to pressure other families into having more kids for any reason, let alone such a dumb one.
Seriously. I’ve never been close with my sibling and they have been less than no help when my mom was sick and then died and now helping with my dad. Having one honestly made everything much more stressful than it needed to be.
Are we at the bitching about what people say to childfree people stage of the thread?
I probably have lots, but this one actually came up recently (and has been said many times)
"Oh you don't want to have kids? Have you thought about adopting or fostering?" WTF are you thinking? Adopting is HARD and children in foster care need parents SUPER dedicated to parenting, not ambivalent. They're not a fucking shelter puppy.
My parents are 100% supportive.
My ILs are 0% supportive. They make passive aggressive jabs constantly. Stupid, petty jabs! Like we received a game for Christmas that can be played with 2 people and I was excited and said “this is great! We’re always looking for games we can play with just the two of us!” To which my FIL replied “what, your dog can’t play with you?” in a tone that made it very clear what he was getting at.
Cool cool, thanks for the game 👍🏻
That’s awful. My parents were fine but my ILs would mention it (not passive aggressively though) to my husband now and again and he flat out said we weren’t changing our minds and if they kept bringing it up then he was going to have to take a break from seeing and talking to them until they could accept it. That straightened them right out.
I have a huge collection of two player games if you ever need a suggestion!
My ILs are 0% supportive. They make passive aggressive jabs constantly. Stupid, petty jabs! Like we received a game for Christmas that can be played with 2 people and I was excited and said “this is great! We’re always looking for games we can play with just the two of us!” To which my FIL replied “what, your dog can’t play with you?” in a tone that made it very clear what he was getting at.
Cool cool, thanks for the game 👍🏻
That’s awful. My parents were fine but my ILs would mention it (not passive aggressively though) to my husband now and again and he flat out said we weren’t changing our minds and if they kept bringing it up then he was going to have to take a break from seeing and talking to them until they could accept it. That straightened them right out.
I have a huge collection of two player games if you ever need a suggestion!
The “good” thing is that right before my H’s grandfather died he initiated this awkward, awful, LOUD conversation about how I should get pregnant and I told him I can’t (which is true! I have no tubes!) and everyone overheard it. So the “when are you going to have kids?” question specifically has stopped.
For me I just mean I don't feel like I'm missing anything from before. The places we choose to travel are places the kid enjoys too. We were never 7 course restaurant people. We are incredibly lucky in that my parents would and will take her for an evening out or even over night whenever we want.
All of this is probably indicative of the fact that we didn't really do all that much pre-kid, lol.
🙄 if you are boiling down having a child and the responsibilities of them to travel and eating out then thats REALLY the bare minimum.
We don't have children bc their impact is on every part of your life from time, energy and emotional expenditure to finances.
They are relentless and having them means you never get a break and you definitely will be making sacrifices somewhere.
I have always wanted to be a mom and love being a mom, but I can't imagine willingly choosing that path if I wasn't all in. Parenting is hard.
On a semi related note I'm always intrigued by people that feel like they need to give their child a sibling. I feel like only children get a bad rep. I have loved it, my DS was one for 10 years and would have been completely fine staying that way. Also there's no guarantee siblings will end up close. Shrug.
As an only child, I think this idea that only children are somehow suffering is is SO weird.
And even friends of mine who aren't close to their siblings and therefore KNOW that siblings aren't always BFFs have the societal pressure of "but when you're old, your child will have to deal with that all alone if you don't have another one!" in their minds as they decide whether or not to have another kid. I just do. not. get. either the concepts - that siblings will definitely support each other and/or that children will have to take care of their elderly parents - or the idea that people think it's a good idea to try to pressure other families into having more kids for any reason, let alone such a dumb one.
I know several adult only children and they are all well adjusted and close with their parents, so that isn't what causes those twinges of doubt sometimes. One thing is seeing other kids DD's age and how they look up to their big sibling, or how DD loves to hold and snuggle their baby siblings, and it can't not get me wondering. Another is my own experience in having a younger sister and playmate growing up. But I also know she won't miss what she didn't have, and there's no guarantee they will even like each other. And believe me I remember how my mom had to referee our arguments from childhood all the way through the teen years when she stole all my clothes!
For me I just mean I don't feel like I'm missing anything from before. The places we choose to travel are places the kid enjoys too. We were never 7 course restaurant people. We are incredibly lucky in that my parents would and will take her for an evening out or even over night whenever we want.
All of this is probably indicative of the fact that we didn't really do all that much pre-kid, lol.
🙄 if you are boiling down having a child and the responsibilities of them to travel and eating out then thats REALLY the bare minimum.
We don't have children bc their impact is on every part of your life from time, energy and emotional expenditure to finances.
They are relentless and having them means you never get a break and you definitely will be making sacrifices somewhere.
Of course they bring fun and joy but still.
I don't think @hermoine is saying "one kid is easy! OP should have one!". Some have mentioned the OAD perks in response to other posters who have one child and are struggling with the idea of having more, or as a frame of reference on what small familes can look like compared with the chaotic feel of larger ones. All of what you said is true, they impact every part of your life, every minute of every day and I don't think that anyone who isn't all in on should have kids for this reason. LifeSTYLE to me is a little different. To me that means my interests and hobbies, disposable spending habits, travel, eating out. I still manage all of that at a level that doesn't feel like I sacrificed every piece of life that I enjoyed before, but I don't think that would be true if we'd had more kids, and then I look at large families and think that just isn't for me. The energy and emotional expenditure and finances of one child aren't horrible to me because I WANTED this, to someone who doesn't want kids I 100% get why it seems awful. Some things are harder than I thought they would be and other things are better.
All this to say, if all of this sounds shitty don't have kids. If you have one and life still feels shitty, def don't talk yourself or let yourself be talked into having more!
I'm also part of the one and done group. As soon as I got pregnant (which I was ambivalent about to begin with, and we just decided to see what would happen, but I think we always had 2 kids in mind) I felt this deep sense of anxiety and dread and worried that I'd made a terrible mistake and that I'd be a terrible mom (not true as it turns out, lol). H sat me down and said he supported me and if I continued to feel this way it was totally fine to just stop at one child. I had terrible PPD/PPA after birth and did not handle being sleep deprived well, so we decided pretty early on that DS was it.
I do honestly feel like its been a great choice for us and very manageable, but we do have both sets of our parents close by, and I know not everyone is that lucky. It was a HUGE adjustment at first of course and I did not feel like myself for a long time, but now that DS is 4 years old and more independent, everything keeps getting better. I'm talking more about pre-pandemic here, but H and I were/are both able to get a lot of alone time, travel, exercise, go out and do things with friends, etc. and I felt like my life was really balanced. The only times I do feel a little sad about this is when DS is begging one of us to play with him and I think that it would be so nice to have a built in playmate for him but he goes to daycare FT and gets plenty of social interaction there, and has cousins to hang out with too, so he'll be fine.
Aside from a few differences (I wasn't ambivalent and didn't suffer from PPA/PPD), we're basically the same. OAD with a 4 yr old DS. I need my sleep (or I'm a bear and I increase my risk of seizures). Having one has been a great choice for us as well. Very manageable.
We just moved to my hometown 7 months ago. If it weren't for the damn pandemic DS would be in preschool making friends and seeing his cousins/all the family we now live close to. Before we moved my BFF lived 10 minutes away. Her DD is DS' age and they were/are BFFs too. Alas.... Anyways, my point is, preCOVID we had a pretty good social network for our DS I'm confident that postCOVID it will be good again. Having that network makes it no big deal that he is an only child.
FWIW OP, I have 2 sisters who are CFBC and love it! They get to spend time with nieces/nephews & friends' kids and then go home to a quiet house and do whatever they want when they want. All the fun & non of the work. So whether you have kid(s) or not you can be involved in some kids' lives at a level that works for you.
Also, I like was sequins said "don't have a kid unless you'll absolutely be unhappy without one."
Post by litskispeciality on Jan 27, 2021 11:09:45 GMT -5
I've said before that my DH has 3 siblings, who all live less than an hour from their parents, but it's up to my DH and sometimes one brother to help their parents with everything. Having more than one kid doesn't mean you def have help if your parents get sick. Hell I have one brother who moved across the country. He tries to help now that he's back, but he has a full time demanding job, is in school etc. Thankfully neither of us have kids, because then we really couldn't help our dad as we'd have to get childcare to help someone else. I feel selfish saying that, but it's true it's a big burden and then your parents feel like jerks for being a burden.
To be CF and have disposable income you have to have both people working, or one make a lot of money. Certainly your bills will be a lot lower because you're not paying for a third person (esp the first few years of day care, diapers, formula, clothes every three weeks), but it's not this magic we don't have kids therefore we have scrooge mcduck money. I know people say that as grass is always greener, but I know a lot of CF people who live pay check to paycheck... DH just told me a story I never knew about that when we first moved in together and he changed careers someone had to give him new shoes as he couldn't afford them after the move and purchasing equipment for the new job. We're doing much better financially now, but even with 2 jobs and no kids in a HCOL area it wasn't enough.
Is this where we come in and start talking about how our dogs/pets are more high maintenance than our children? I'm just trying to keep pace with the thread.
Is this where we come in and start talking about how our dogs/pets are more high maintenance than our children? I'm just trying to keep pace with the thread.
I don't know, but I will say, I can rarely keep pace with any thread around here. I don't know how people do it.
For me I just mean I don't feel like I'm missing anything from before. The places we choose to travel are places the kid enjoys too. We were never 7 course restaurant people. We are incredibly lucky in that my parents would and will take her for an evening out or even over night whenever we want.
All of this is probably indicative of the fact that we didn't really do all that much pre-kid, lol.
🙄 if you are boiling down having a child and the responsibilities of them to travel and eating out then thats REALLY the bare minimum.
We don't have children bc their impact is on every part of your life from time, energy and emotional expenditure to finances.
They are relentless and having them means you never get a break and you definitely will be making sacrifices somewhere.
Of course they bring fun and joy but still.
Ok?
I don't think my life is dramatically different than it would be if I didn't have a kid. But apparently that's not possible so...ok?
Is this where we come in and start talking about how our dogs/pets are more high maintenance than our children? I'm just trying to keep pace with the thread.
We got a new dog a little over 2 months ago and right now that asshole is more work than both of my children. My kids no longer shit on my floor and never ate any of my shoes.
Is this where we come in and start talking about how our dogs/pets are more high maintenance than our children? I'm just trying to keep pace with the thread.
I know you're half joking, and this is off track, but going back to the comments you get when you're CFBC (or CF and don't need to explain why.) I used to tell people that we couldn't even get a dog because I wasn't home enough, how the hell could I raise a kid? They would just stare at me. Did they not have dogs that required a lot of work, a lot of attention and care? These were people who did the "get a dog before having a kid to learn 'patience' for the kid" people, and that's a whole different issue with me as most of the time the dog ends up rehomed.
Anyway I hope that you have help with your dog when you're trying to work and balance parental responsibilities as dogs are a LOT of work.
Is this where we come in and start talking about how our dogs/pets are more high maintenance than our children? I'm just trying to keep pace with the thread.
I’ll say the opposite.
It was only after I adopted a cat that I realized that the whole cat lady stereotype is about people being uncomfortable with women who don’t want to spend their whole lives as caretakers.
A cat is the perfect amount of love and responsibility without being overwhelming. My mom made a comment a couple of weeks ago suggesting that I adopted a cat because deep down I must ACTUALLY want a second baby. Sorry, Mom, but no, hellll no. Nope, nope, nope.
I had a cat-sized hole in my life, not a baby-sized hole.
🙄 if you are boiling down having a child and the responsibilities of them to travel and eating out then thats REALLY the bare minimum.
We don't have children bc their impact is on every part of your life from time, energy and emotional expenditure to finances.
They are relentless and having them means you never get a break and you definitely will be making sacrifices somewhere.
Of course they bring fun and joy but still.
Ok?
I don't think my life is dramatically different than it would be if I didn't have a kid. But apparently that's not possible so...ok?
I appreciate your perspective. I often feel like I can’t relate to people on here/their life/lifestyle. I think we should generally take people for their word.
One of my best friends is pregnant and just yesterday she told me she’s doing the whole 30 (she’s done it before). It made me laugh because I could only imagine someone coming on here saying they were pregnant doing whole 30 and people would be saying it’d be impossible lol. Different strokes for different folks.
I think TR recently posted about some kind of "personality survey" and a lot of posters had similar results (my results were the exact opposite lol). So I do think a lot of people on here are very similar so it’s hard to imagine others having different thoughts, feelings, experiences.
Like I said previously, TONS of people have ambivalence towards pregnancy and having kids, but reading these threads you’d think things were black and white.
Post by emilyinchile on Jan 27, 2021 12:43:33 GMT -5
Guys, if you personally want to have more than one child because that's just what your heart wants, that's awesome. It's also not what I was talking about in my post.
I just think it's so fucking weird that so many people feel strongly enough about other people's family choices that they create pressure that leads to people feeling like they have to have X number of kids because otherwise they or their child will be missing out. The older I get instead of becoming immune I just find it stranger and stranger that anyone gives a shit what other people choose to do (or are able to do) with their family structures.
Post by foundmylazybum on Jan 27, 2021 12:59:43 GMT -5
My husband and I are DINKs and I think we felt pretty much the same way. A few thoughts and I read them in a few other posts:
I believe that my h and I are, indeed very loving people who would, yes be great parents. I am in a profession where I actually take care of other people's kids all day every day--so this is backed up by data lol. Like a lot of data . But, by the time I get home after helping all these other people's kids get to be great, I'm pretty damn tired!
I don't think that one needs to have a child in order to prove that they are a loving human. That's something society tries to put on us. Remember that there are a LOT of shitass humans out there having children and messing them up.
For me, I've been pretty sure about most things in my life: I wanted to do something professionally, I figured it out. I wanted to be married, I am. I wanted to live or travel somewhere: I did. If I wanted a child--I would have had one. It's not like it's this ONE thing I just couldn't figure out how to get done.
For US I feel that when we were weighing out the pros and cons of having a child--it felt like the changes they brought on, was just too much, in too many areas and we weren't willing to give up SO MUCH.
I know that seems super selfish but whatever! Every time I think about a child and how you are sacrificing this, or that, or that or this--I realize I'm phrasing it as a sacrifice, not an amazing addition and that that's not how a child should be viewed lol.
When my brother and his wife have a kid, I'll be the aunt that is spoiling the kid rotten and they will love me the most. Because I'm awesome.
I can't really give you advice about what you should do--Someone mentioned that they knew someone who went to counseling to help work this out...MH and I talked a lot about doing that..If you are really confused and can't make a decision I actually recommend doing that.
Also, we are friends with several couples who are also child free and very, very happy. I think that helps. Also, nothing against parents, but I find that parents OFTEN can only focus and talk about their children. I get it. But they are all consuming.
🙄 if you are boiling down having a child and the responsibilities of them to travel and eating out then thats REALLY the bare minimum.
We don't have children bc their impact is on every part of your life from time, energy and emotional expenditure to finances.
They are relentless and having them means you never get a break and you definitely will be making sacrifices somewhere.
Of course they bring fun and joy but still.
Ok?
I don't think my life is dramatically different than it would be if I didn't have a kid. But apparently that's not possible so...ok?
I definitely agree. My life isn’t so different. It’s not black and white. I would not say that kids are relentless and I never get a break. I get breaks, fewer since the beginning of COVID, but I still get breaks. I also sacrifice a bit, but not really. We still travel a lot, eat out a lot, and have disposable income.
🙄 if you are boiling down having a child and the responsibilities of them to travel and eating out then thats REALLY the bare minimum.
We don't have children bc their impact is on every part of your life from time, energy and emotional expenditure to finances.
They are relentless and having them means you never get a break and you definitely will be making sacrifices somewhere.
Of course they bring fun and joy but still.
I don't think @hermoine is saying "one kid is easy! OP should have one!". Some have mentioned the OAD perks in response to other posters who have one child and are struggling with the idea of having more, or as a frame of reference on what small familes can look like compared with the chaotic feel of larger ones. All of what you said is true, they impact every part of your life, every minute of every day and I don't think that anyone who isn't all in on should have kids for this reason. LifeSTYLE to me is a little different. To me that means my interests and hobbies, disposable spending habits, travel, eating out. I still manage all of that at a level that doesn't feel like I sacrificed every piece of life that I enjoyed before, but I don't think that would be true if we'd had more kids, and then I look at large families and think that just isn't for me. The energy and emotional expenditure and finances of one child aren't horrible to me because I WANTED this, to someone who doesn't want kids I 100% get why it seems awful. Some things are harder than I thought they would be and other things are better.
All this to say, if all of this sounds shitty don't have kids. If you have one and life still feels shitty, def don't talk yourself or let yourself be talked into having more!
I didn't say that's what she said :/ This idea however, is OFTEN put in front of women who don't want children. That it's not THAT big of a lifestyle change and you can bring a child anywhere!
That isn't true, that's not how "I" see it and honestly this is a major reason why "I" don't have kids. Is that it WOULD be impacting my entire sphere--so saying, "I just bring my kid--it wasn't that big of a deal!" is totally minimizing the entire reason why many people don't have kids.
I believe that my h and I are, indeed very loving people who would, yes be great parents. I am in a profession where I actually take care of other people's kids all day every day--so this is backed up by data lol. Like a lot of data . But, by the time I get home after helping all these other people's kids get to be great, I'm pretty damn tired!
This is a good point too. There are so many more ways I wish I could contribute to my society/community, but after WORK/KID/HOUSE I am simply spread too thin. I am super grateful there are people out there who find themselves able to volunteer, be an activist, foster animals, make art, what-have-you in ways they might not be able to if they had kids to care for.
As an only child, I think this idea that only children are somehow suffering is is SO weird.
And even friends of mine who aren't close to their siblings and therefore KNOW that siblings aren't always BFFs have the societal pressure of "but when you're old, your child will have to deal with that all alone if you don't have another one!" in their minds as they decide whether or not to have another kid. I just do. not. get. either the concepts - that siblings will definitely support each other and/or that children will have to take care of their elderly parents - or the idea that people think it's a good idea to try to pressure other families into having more kids for any reason, let alone such a dumb one.
I definitely don't think only children are destined to suffer/be spoiled/be lonely/whatever other negative stereotype is out there.
My sister and SIL are both OAD, and I see how happy, well adjusted, and quite honestly less hectic their families of three are (as compared to people I know with more than one kid).
However, I'd be lying if I didn’t admit at least *part* of my motivation for having another kid is because I do hope DD will have a positive, close relationship with that sibling. It's not my only motivation for wanting another child, and I know there's no guarantee they'd end up close, but I guess I'm still willing to take the chance, and parenting two siblings together IS part of the appeal for me. (This probably isn't a helpful sentiment for this particular thread.)
But to get back on topic...I will say that having kids has made me respect/appreciate people's decision to NOT have kids even more. Which isn't to say I regret having my child, because I don't. But I remember my kid-free days very fondly. LOL.
It's kind of like how being pregnant and giving birth made me more pro choice than I already was. No one should have to go through it if they really don't want to!
I struggle with this a lot. I only had my little dude three months ago, so I know things can always change, but my H and I are pretty adamantly OAD. My son is healthy, relatively easy (as easy as a three month old can be, anyway,) and I made it through my pregnancy and birth with very few issues or complications. Some of it for me stems from my work in a pregnancy-adjacent field, where I know probably way too much about what can go wrong, and therefore feel incredibly lucky to have gotten through it all on the other side with a healthy mom and baby. My H and I are also parenting him together well, but I'm pretty sure the addition of another would stretch us beyond our capacity.
However. My sister is my very best friend, and has been since the moment she was born. She and I have helped each other navigate some complicated family dynamics because no one else gets it in the way that we do, and while I like to think my H and I are healthier than my parents are, the idea of DS having to navigate that kind of stuff on his own does give me pause.
I think that regardless of where you are in life, society puts pressure on you for your life to look a certain way. When H and I were dating, we got TONS of questions about when we were getting married. We then were married eight years before deciding to have a kid, and CONSTANTLY got asked when we were going to get pregnant. And now, even though he's only three months old and I just returned to work, I'm ALREADY getting questions on when we're going to have another. Even ignoring the ignorance about infertility/conception struggles that can factor in, I find that at every stage, there's SOMEONE who has expectations of you. Ultimately, none of those expectations matter - the only thing that matters is what you and your partner decides.
I didn't say that's what she said :/ This idea however, is OFTEN put in front of women who don't want children. That it's not THAT big of a lifestyle change and you can bring a child anywhere!
That isn't true, that's not how "I" see it and honestly this is a major reason why "I" don't have kids. Is that it WOULD be impacting my entire sphere--so saying, "I just bring my kid--it wasn't that big of a deal!" is totally minimizing the entire reason why many people don't have kids.
Keep in mind that nobody needs their reason for not having kids to be validated by other people. Some people with kids haven’t found their kid or kids to be that big of a deal. That doesn’t mean that the CFBC should feel like they’re being judged, or that they should have had kids, because what’s the big deal. It can be not that big of a deal to some people and be undesirable to others. Both can be true.
Yeah, I don't have kids and I don't need my reasons validated by anyone else. I also don't feel judged. But it IS invalidating to hear over and over and over and over (like it's in every type of post like this) for conversations to go like this:
"I don't want kids b/c I believe they will change every aspect of my life."
"They don't! I'm still able to go anywhere and do anything!!"
How great FOR YOU. I'm so glad that worked out for you--except we are talking about ME and MY issue. The answer lacks any sort of empathy or understanding at all of the FEAR for the person. In the words of Brene Brown, try getting in the hole with me.
I don't think @hermoine is saying "one kid is easy! OP should have one!". Some have mentioned the OAD perks in response to other posters who have one child and are struggling with the idea of having more, or as a frame of reference on what small familes can look like compared with the chaotic feel of larger ones. All of what you said is true, they impact every part of your life, every minute of every day and I don't think that anyone who isn't all in on should have kids for this reason. LifeSTYLE to me is a little different. To me that means my interests and hobbies, disposable spending habits, travel, eating out. I still manage all of that at a level that doesn't feel like I sacrificed every piece of life that I enjoyed before, but I don't think that would be true if we'd had more kids, and then I look at large families and think that just isn't for me. The energy and emotional expenditure and finances of one child aren't horrible to me because I WANTED this, to someone who doesn't want kids I 100% get why it seems awful. Some things are harder than I thought they would be and other things are better.
All this to say, if all of this sounds shitty don't have kids. If you have one and life still feels shitty, def don't talk yourself or let yourself be talked into having more!
I didn't say that's what she said :/ This idea however, is OFTEN put in front of women who don't want children. That it's not THAT big of a lifestyle change and you can bring a child anywhere!
That isn't true, that's not how "I" see it and honestly this is a major reason why "I" don't have kids. Is that it WOULD be impacting my entire sphere--so saying, "I just bring my kid--it wasn't that big of a deal!" is totally minimizing the entire reason why many people don't have kids.
Oh please. OP asked if other people felt the same way and I told her my experience. I didn't minimize anyone's reasons for not wanting children. Clearly my view of MY life doesn't align with what you think having a kid is like. Fine I guess? To be clear, I give absolutely no fucks if you, OP or anyone else chooses to have 0 kids or 10 kids. Promise.
I didn't say that's what she said :/ This idea however, is OFTEN put in front of women who don't want children. That it's not THAT big of a lifestyle change and you can bring a child anywhere!
That isn't true, that's not how "I" see it and honestly this is a major reason why "I" don't have kids. Is that it WOULD be impacting my entire sphere--so saying, "I just bring my kid--it wasn't that big of a deal!" is totally minimizing the entire reason why many people don't have kids.
Oh please. OP asked if other people felt the same way and I told her my experience. I didn't minimize anyone's reasons for not wanting children. Clearly my view of MY life doesn't align with what you think having a kid is like. Fine I guess? To be clear, I give absolutely no fucks if you, OP or anyone else chooses to have 0 kids or 10 kids. Promise.
You also told her you were ambivalent toward kids but your husband wanted one so you were happy to give him a child.
Is your life the same because he does all the work? Because he should be in your case, lol.
Post by litskispeciality on Jan 27, 2021 15:59:51 GMT -5
So 100% what foundmylazybum , said. That's another thing you hear from people all the time "I didn't have fun" "I didn't know what life was" etc. until I had a child. Well I'm sorry that your life had no meaning without a child. Mine has a lot of meaning without a child. I'm sorry that it's not enough, or that I haven't done enough with my career because I'm CFBC. It just never stops even if you "don't have to justify it".
The comments about one is so easy, not life changing too is a way of saying just have one, then you've done your part for society. No if you don't want kids don't have any, don't have one because society tells you that you're supposed too. If you stop at one for whatever reason I don't need to know about, that's ok too. Again you could have 4 or more kids, grandkids and no one helps you and you still pay for extra help and care. There's no guarantee and don't put pressure on your future kids that their sole purpose is to take care of you because you took care of them.
Also to the cat lady thing. Even if the poster didn't mean they think cat ladies can't care for other people or aren't care takers, just stop. That's so hurtful. I'm not a caregiver of my dad, but I've given a lot and put my employment at risk at times to help him. We lost our cat this year and I had a really effing hard time. We paid thousands of dollars to try and save their life because we cared that much. I care about kids and I don't hate kids just because I don't have kids of my own. I promise I'm good with other people's kids, I just can't have them in my home 24/7 and I don't need to justify why. Go tell my "cat lady" friend who's single and desperately wants children that she doesn't care about other people or can't be a caregivier because she has a cat instead of a kid. Society really needs to let go of that sterotype, which I hadn't heard until today.
ETA: I know my privilege that I as a hard working DINK can afford amazing vet care, and thanked the vet immensely for treating my cat like their own pet or child. I joked they give better care than the POTUS gets. I don't judge if you can't take the steps we did, I'm just making the point that if I didn't care about others I would have let the damn cat die.
Everyone has different personalities and levels of energy, so the work of children feels different to everyone. There are certain things that will happen no matter what child developmentally. Pregnancy, changing diapers, minor sleep problems, potty training, school.
I once read a book to help me with this- I think I was deciding to go for 2 maybe. There are a lot of different factors and reasons that go into the decision. There were probably 15-20 factors one of the pages, and all of them were good and thoughtful. You probably don't need the book, but it just goes to show you in is not an easy decision. What I liked about it is it covered all of the emotions as well including ambivalence. Almost every emotion was listed with the reasons one might feel this way.