@TW: Boston area story of Infanticide/suicide

[imimahoney]

Is this national news?.. Because, it is just horrible.

www.cbsnews.com/boston/news/duxbury-children-murdered-community-reaction/

A Boston area mom murdered two of three children (the baby survived but is in the hospital) and then attempted to commit suicide. Almost all sources are citing that she may have been suffering from postpartum psychosis and someone I know who worked with her posted on fb about how the mom talked about receiving therapy through work (she was a l&d nurse at one of the major hospitals).

Many news organizations are posting about the mental health hotline for mothers that's available.

I had awful PPD/PPA and had suicide ideations but thankfully zoloft saved me from myself.

I can't imagine what the family is going through.

[icedcoffee]

This is horrible. And that poor baby who will grow up with this as their story. We need to do better with mothers postpartum care.

[Bad Dingo]

This is so incredibly tragic. I had PPD and suicidal thoughts. I finally got on Zoloft around 8-12 weeks postpartum, I'm pretty sure that my doctors never knew how bad it was. After I was feeling more human I asked my husband how he didn't see how bad it was and why he didn't do anything. I think more partners need to be educated about what to look for and how to help.

[imimahoney]

My doctors also never knew how bad it was. I told them I felt detached, overwhelmed and sad which was true but I would also drive around for hours so my son could nap and I could think of ways to kill myself.

I remember seeing doctors frequently early on because I had a c-section and my son had trouble gaining weight. But if someone had a typical delivery and didn't have issues nursing then post partum visits are so infrequent. Even if someone knows the signs of PPD, realizing you are suffering and asking for help are completely different things.

[scm1011]

This is local to me and I have a few friends who worked with the mom at MGH. By all accounts she was an extraordinarily kind and loving mom and I'm absolutely gutted for her and her family. She was getting help at the top mental health clinic in the area (McLean) and her husband was working from home to support her. He left for 15 minutes to pick up take out and this happened. I cannot imagine what her life will look like going forward. So so heartbreaking.

[icedcoffee]

Oooh shit---I didn't even realize the mother survived. I cannot imagine. Ugh. So horrible.

[shauni27]

Jan 27, 2023 8:46:30 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Oooh shit---I didn't even realize the mother survived. I cannot imagine. Ugh. So horrible.

I didn't realize that either until I re-read the article. Seriously just awful. My heart breaks for her, for her husband, her poor children. 

[beerlover]

I was reading about this in bed last night and just feeling so sad. My heart breaks for this woman and her family.

I had PPD, but not to this level and no psychosis or suicidal thoughts. But my H used to take off work to sit with me during really bad days, because I think he was probably afraid that I would hurt myself. This just brought back a lot of not good memories for me. I can't even imagine how she was feeling.

[janegold]

This is local to me, as well, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it since it happened. I've cried so many times over the past few days thinking about it. I am just devastated for everyone involved. I can't even imagine the pain the father must be in, and the pain that the mother will be in once she is able to process everything.

[janegold]

Jan 27, 2023 8:35:11 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

 He left for 15 minutes to pick up take out and this happened. 

I hadn't heard that detail.  Ugh, how utterly terrible.

[Vespasia]

Even with the TW this absolutely needs an @ in the title.

[notreal]

I'm so upset beyond of course the obvious reasons when something like this makes the news. It's a sensational story so of course the media is going to glom onto it, but these types of stories definitely hurt pp mothers a great deal. Since the only time you hear about PPP/PPD/PPA is in relation to these horrific stories, it further stigmatizes postpartum mental health and makes people scared to seek help.

[underwaterrhymes]

I’m devastated for this family. She was absolutely failed on so many levels with tragic consequences.

Like so many of our bigoted and archaic systems, we must completely overhaul our medical system to ensure people feel seen, heard and cared for. Aside from the physical ailments that are ignored, especially in marginalized communities, we have such a disregard for people’s emotional states and the overall impact on our wellbeing.

We need to ensure mental health is openly discussed throughout over lives and that resources are broadly and easily available.

[chilerellanos]

I had terrible PPA with my second, and I definitely can see how it could spiral into a psychosis.

I would have these SUPER invasive repetitive thoughts, and they were pretty disturbing.

I didn’t tell anybody because I mean, how do you even tell someone.

But my second was maybe 2 months old, and the andrea Yates story broke and I went in and got on meds and some therapy, and what a difference it made.

[scm1011]

The 3rd child, an 8 month old, has died. I got the alert in my phone and it took my breath away. Those poor parents.

[janegold]

Oh no, no, no.

[imimahoney]

Jan 27, 2023 11:31:15 GMT -5 Vespasia said:

Even with the TW this absolutely needs an @ in the title.

Sorry. I'll add that now.

[Michelle]

Jan 27, 2023 15:59:46 GMT -5 imimahoney said:

Jan 27, 2023 11:31:15 GMT -5 Vespasia said:

Even with the TW this absolutely needs an @ in the title.

Sorry. I'll add that now.

Considering some of the trauma suffered by some of our frequent posters regarding the death of children, I wonder if you could change the title to: "@tw: Infanticide/suicide" 

I know that is just semantics and says the same thing, but maybe it would just be a little less painful to see? Might also be too late, but just in case...

[imimahoney]

Jan 27, 2023 16:20:52 GMT -5 Michelle said:

Jan 27, 2023 15:59:46 GMT -5 imimahoney said:

Sorry. I'll add that now.

Considering some of the trauma suffered by some of our frequent posters regarding the death of children, I wonder if you could change the title to: "@tw: Infanticide/suicide" 

I know that is just semantics and says the same thing, but maybe it would just be a little less painful to see? Might also be too late, but just in case...

I'll change it to whatever. It's an awful story and traumatic for so many.

[Michelle]

Jan 27, 2023 14:44:12 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

...Andrea Yates...

Rusty Yates is a regular at the bar my husband frequents. There is no way to disassociate that tragedy from the man, even after all this time.

[icedcoffee]

I just don’t know how her and her husband continue. So many prayers to them as they now navigate the loss and their legal battles. She was absolutely failed.

[Susie]

The medical system had to have failed this family again and again and again for it to reach this point.  How many missed opportunities there must have been, to intervene and to help.  I haven't read other stories, was she still on maternity leave or was she working?  I'm just trying to get my head around it.  Both parents must be in such agony.

The only thing I can hope is that when something like this happens, something good comes out of the attention.  That some program is established in their memory and it helps people, or that it helps spur policy changes.  About 4 years ago I lost a friend and her children in a similarly sensational domestic multi-murder suicide, and like this, it ran nationwide, even outside the US.  It felt so voyeuristic and hurtful at the time, and made me feel so claustrophobic.  It was everywhere, and feeling like our community, relationships, and intimate details were open for nationwide scrutiny in that moment was awful.  I remember sitting in a doctor's office for an unrelated routine thing, and it was on the news in the waiting room, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  But for why?  So people could say omg did you hear about this awful thing?  So I hope for peace, for insulation from that, and for more good to come someday, for them.

[shopgirl07]

I think she attended intensive therapy 5 days a week. I’m not sure if the family tried to get her an inpatient admittance or not. Insurance might not have covered it. But it does seem like she had support. Obviously it wasn’t enough.

[devonpow]

This story is so terrible and it hurts so much. I had really bad PPD with DS1. It’s scary to think of how I felt back then - I was so disconnected and truly just going through the motions of what I knew I was “supposed” to do. I just felt like I had ruined my life and would just have to deal with it for 18 years. I wasn’t at a stage where I would have hurt my child, but I remember having thoughts like “well if a car hits us on this walk it will be ok and this will thankfully all over but not my fault”. I mean - terrible, dark, lonely thoughts. And I’m so lucky I got through it and that both me and my kids are ok. And it was hard to get help because I truly didn’t think I was depressed- I couldn’t even understand I needed help. And DH didn’t get it because I hid it, and DH thought things were due to lack of sleep (which I have to say I don’t think people take into account how severe lack of sleep really fucks things up)

[Michelle]

Jan 27, 2023 16:50:29 GMT -5 Susie said:

The medical system had to have failed this family again and again and again for it to reach this point.  How many missed opportunities there must have been, to intervene and to help.  I haven't read other stories, was she still on maternity leave or was she working?  I'm just trying to get my head around it.  Both parents must be in such agony.

The only thing I can hope is that when something like this happens, something good comes out of the attention.  That some program is established in their memory and it helps people, or that it helps spur policy changes.  About 4 years ago...

I'm so sorry to read this. (hugs)

[heygrey]

Jan 27, 2023 17:47:52 GMT -5 devonpow said:

This story is so terrible and it hurts so much.

I haven't read the article because I don't think I'm in a great head space for it right now, but your experience is mine almost word for word. I never wanted to hurt my son, but we have to drive over a big bridge to leave our side of town and I would often wish it would just crumble and my car would disappear in the lake. It wouldn't be my fault, but it would all be over. I didn't really share the worst of my thoughts with my husband because he "couldn't" do anything and I knew I would make him feel worse. He had started a new job with a rigid, but varied schedule so I was often alone for long stretches of time with no outside support. I was also severely sleep deprived which absolutely exacerbated all of those thoughts and feeling. I'm not sure what H would have done if he'd understood the depth of my depression. I like to think he would have advocated for me, but we were in a pretty unstable place financially and support wise and I knew he didn't have much bandwidth left himself. 

I also lied to my friends. Bold faced lies that I was just fine. I had a good network of new mom friends who had openly talked about PPD, but I couldn't admit to anyone that I was really really struggling. Even here! I remember having MOTN threads on MM Moms and I was a regular because my kid did. not. sleep. and I was all tralala, everything is fine.  

There is a reason we only have one kid. 

[Velar Fricative]

Jan 27, 2023 17:35:58 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

I think she attended intensive therapy 5 days a week. I’m not sure if the family tried to get her an inpatient admittance or not. Insurance might not have covered it. But it does seem like she had support. Obviously it wasn’t enough.

That’s what struck me most about this. Obviously an investigation will need to happen about gaps in her healthcare, but at first glance this is not someone who fell through the cracks in the sense I assumed she had before reading about this. So now we have to think about what truly is enough help to ensure another unspeakable tragedy like this does not happen again. Heartbreaking all around.

[sporklemotion]

I just want to send hugs and support to everyone who shared stories in this thread. It is so heartbreaking. Like many on this thread, I had some really dark thoughts postpartum (and, frankly, for a couple of years after). I wish that I had sought help for them, but I convinced myself I wasn’t worth it.

[chickadee77]

So, so, sad.

A reminder, too, that PPD/PPA don't always happen immediately. Mine took months to show up, and was actually found by the pediatrician through a standard survey done by their office. My OB was super quick to respond and act once I reached out, so I was very lucky. And my issue continued for years (granted, there were additional pregnancies and losses during that time).

Please, please, if you even think you need help, please reach out, and keep reaching out, until you have help.

[devonpow]

It’s also so hard to ask for help or even know you need help sometimes - for me I truly didn’t think it was PPD. It was just “I made a mistake. I’m not meant to be a mom. I can’t tell anyone I made a mistake though because they will hate me” and you tie in feelings like that with societal expectations of how motherhood is supposed to be this glorious and fulfilling thing, that you also need to be PERFECT at. Insane expectations while most of us don’t have extended family or support systems nearby, need to go back to work way sooner than we should, husbands don’t get paternity leave (my DH got 1 day of paternity leave with DS1. ONE). Its not a tenable system for most. I has screenings, I had an attentive husband, I had a lot of resources - but no one knew or figured it out.

It’s been 16 years and I still don’t talk about it IRL, because honestly I feel shame and I never ever want my son to know I had feelings like that. I know that’s it’s not my fault and I love him more than anything, but there’s a lot of guilt over his first year of life.