This idea of "being busy"... it's almost a pet peeve of mine! There are a couple adults that I know that are ALWAYS "OMG!!! I'm so busy!!!" - like it's some marker of, IDK, success?
It's the martyrdom with some people that's so annoying.
One mom literally posts her daily schedule, and about how her kids are so busy and do so much. 🙄 That's your choice and no one cares but you. lol
Her post today:
"I woke to a missed call/VM. an email and text, school is having early dismissal and off tomorrow."
lady....we all know. we got the same messages. 🤣
This kind of martyrdom makes me crazy. You chose this! You don’t have to do all of this! No wonder kids are stressed.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
Post by tarzanswife on Mar 17, 2023 13:38:30 GMT -5
Replying to the update, This was my oldest step son his senior year in 2020. He was having a great senior year and was doing all the things and was extremely over committed. Getting 4 hours of sleep, grades were good but he was burning the candle at both ends. Then Covid hit and it was like *BAM* it was all gone. He was in marching band plus a side band, multiple clubs and activities and it all just stopped. No senior prom for him, a scraped together graduation and that was it. He started college online and finally got to actually attend college in person in fall of 2022. My point by saying all of this is, it's March of senior year. She probably has 2-3 months left of school and then she will be done. This is her last opportunity to do some of these activities with these friends and then the opportunity will be lost. You have voiced your concerns. If she needs a rest day and the grades are good and she covers the work she missed, let her take it. We have two now in college and we are realizing how important senior year is to their emotional growth and future relationships. Not to mention net working, etc.. Covid really opened our eyes to this as our oldest is kind of emotionally stunted because he didn't get to "launch". Does that make sense? Out of all of our kids we have had the hardest time with him because his Senior year was cut short and outside life didn't resume for him, for two years. Our middle son got to have senior year, prom, graduation, etc.. He got to go live in the dorms this year and do the emotional growth he needed to do to stay in college and to move away from home. This is her time, let her take it. She is learning a ton about herself, her friendships and the outside world. Just support her and if she has some missteps, it's ok. She's a good kid and already has her future mapped out. Just breathe, soon enough it will be graduation and then she will be onto the next adventure.
Replying to the update, This was my oldest step son his senior year in 2020. He was having a great senior year and was doing all the things and was extremely over committed. Getting 4 hours of sleep, grades were good but he was burning the candle at both ends. Then Covid hit and it was like *BAM* it was all gone. He was in marching band plus a side band, multiple clubs and activities and it all just stopped. No senior prom for him, a scraped together graduation and that was it. He started college online and finally got to actually attend college in person in fall of 2022. My point by saying all of this is, it's March of senior year. She probably has 2-3 months left of school and then she will be done. This is her last opportunity to do some of these activities with these friends and then the opportunity will be lost. You have voiced your concerns. If she needs a rest day and the grades are good and she covers the work she missed, let her take it. We have two now in college and we are realizing how important senior year is to their emotional growth and future relationships. Not to mention net working, etc.. Covid really opened our eyes to this as our oldest is kind of emotionally stunted because he didn't get to "launch". Does that make sense? Out of all of our kids we have had the hardest time with him because his Senior year was cut short and outside life didn't resume for him, for two years. Our middle son got to have senior year, prom, graduation, etc.. He got to go live in the dorms this year and do the emotional growth he needed to do to stay in college and to move away from home. This is her time, let her take it. She is learning a ton about herself, her friendships and the outside world. Just support her and if she has some missteps, it's ok. She's a good kid and already has her future mapped out. Just breathe, soon enough it will be graduation and then she will be onto the next adventure.
Pretty sure OP said her daughter is a freshman, not a senior.
tarzanswife OPs daughter is only a freshman so several more years of this in the original post). Daughter used a senior as an example in the update on why she thinks she can do it all
Normally I would say let the chips fall where they may....but it's really not cool to commit yourself to 2 conflicting events (the show and the tennis match). I would not allow that because it doesn't just affect her. I'd insist that she be clear with both clubs and see what they say.
Staying busy for me was a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety, depression, and trauma. I worked, volunteered, attended yoga before school, in multiple clubs, and did plays and musicals in school.
As an adult not dealing with my actual problems, I've consistently had 2-3 jobs to work at least hours a week. My therapist and I are working on me not doing this anymore. I need to sit still and be with my feelings. Your daughter sounds like me.
tarzanswife OPs daughter is only a freshman so several more years of this in the original post). Daughter used a senior as an example in the update on why she thinks she can do it all
Ahh reading comp fail, thank you for pointing this out.
Normally I would say let the chips fall where they may....but it's really not cool to commit yourself to 2 conflicting events (the show and the tennis match). I would not allow that because it doesn't just affect her. I'd insist that she be clear with both clubs and see what they say.
I agree with this. I would definitely have her check with the leaders of both activities to make sure this is ok. The athletic teams at my daughter's high school are pretty strict about attendance at both practice and games and would not allow this.
Post by wanderingback on Mar 17, 2023 15:27:31 GMT -5
Yeah I was and have always been a busy person. I did 3 varsity sports in high school, plus band for 3 years, plus travel soccer all year and then a variety of clubs.
But I’m overall a chill person, don’t really get too stressed out and it has never caused me anxiety.
Right now, I have one 30 hour per week job plus a few other projects I’m contracted on and a per diem job. Plus I like to work out a few days per week and have other various hobbies that pop from tome to time.
All that to say is that everyone is different. I think if someone is doing so much, even if their grades are good or they’re excelling at work, but they’re super stressed out, have anxiety and want to take mental health days all the time*, then yes it’s time to scale back. If they’re coping just fine then carry away.
*Yes we all need rest and if the go go go life isn’t for you then you need to scale back.
Normally I would say let the chips fall where they may....but it's really not cool to commit yourself to 2 conflicting events (the show and the tennis match). I would not allow that because it doesn't just affect her. I'd insist that she be clear with both clubs and see what they say.
I agree with this. I would definitely have her check with the leaders of both activities to make sure this is ok. The athletic teams at my daughter's high school are pretty strict about attendance at both practice and games and would not allow this.
This was my first thought. When she (or anyone!) overcommits, she doesn’t give her best to her teammates/cast mates/crew mates. Usually this isn’t a big deal, but if it means missing rehearsals, practices, performances, or competitions, then that has a huge effect on other people.
She should make sure that her tennis coach and drama teacher (director? or whoever) know about both commitments and agree to it. Maybe they can all work together to come up with a plan — could mean fewer matches or a smaller part. Should definitely include that if she doesn’t keep her grades up, she can’t participate (most sports teams have this anyway).
Otherwise, I was the queen of overcommitting in HS. But I took summer classes to make sure I got a study hall, kept my grades up, and managed my time well. And it helped me in college. So this could be a positive experience for her, especially if you (or someone else) can coach her through it. It doesn’t need to be an “I told you so” but rather could sound something more like “let’s go over your schedule for the coming week and figure out a plan for getting all your work done.”
Post by jeaniebueller on Mar 17, 2023 22:23:31 GMT -5
It sounds like theater is only like a month long commitment? I would let her do it and learn a lesson if one needs to be learned. She is probably finding her way and freshman year is really hard. I would be glad she wants to be involved.
Eh, this was like me in high school (well, actually still is) and it worked out fine. Yes, there were/are times of stress but I'm a happier person when I'm busy. With age and experience I have gotten better about knowing my limits, but that's something I had to learn along the way.
I do think the therapy and treating the anxiety are important. Will she have the time to resume therapy with these new commitments?
You can also help her with tools to cope and by talking through things with her to help her think through what is realistic, which it sounds like you are doing.
She was hard core. Anything that could pass as leisure time was out. Being unconscious or incapacitated was acceptable. lol.
Sometimes my punishment was being forbidden from leisure reading entirely for weeks. This is how I read my entire giant lit book and civics after that. I'm not sure what they expected me to do. No tv, no phone, no books. This also applied to the rare illness allowed to stay home. I fail to see the point of this.
Post by maudefindlay on Mar 18, 2023 5:16:08 GMT -5
basilosaurus, liked your post in agreement. Tv and books provide relaxation whether sick or just needing a break. Laying there staring at a wall sounds miserable and pointless and likely to cause stress.
One more thing to add to my previous comment. It sounds like last time she got really busy, she stopped going to therapy for anxiety. I absolutely WOULD put my foot down that she must make therapy a priority. It’s a medical necessity that she attend on a basis and frequency recommended by her provider.
Staying busy for me was a coping mechanism for dealing with anxiety, depression, and trauma. I worked, volunteered, attended yoga before school, in multiple clubs, and did plays and musicals in school.
As an adult not dealing with my actual problems, I've consistently had 2-3 jobs to work at least hours a week. My therapist and I are working on me not doing this anymore. I need to sit still and be with my feelings. Your daughter sounds like me.
This is what also crossed my mind as I read about the new commitments she’s making. Staying busy as a coping skill (or avoidance) of anxiety.
She also sounds like she has FOMO. Has that ever come up in discussions of anxiety?
It’s kinda like anxiety makes you damned if you do (overcommit, get burnt out) and damned if you don’t (FOMO, having to address anxious feelings head-on).
When she thinks about her high school years she is going to remember how much fun she had with theatre and activities. That time with friends doing things she loves are going to be her core memories. Classes and grades are really going to be secondary. She will talk about her favorite play years from now but absolutely no one is going to care what you made on your math test. Sounds like she is making her way and doing well to me. I do agree with PP about making sure she keeps up with her therapy appointments. Her medical needs come first.
I do think she needs to talk to the coach/director of both commitments and figure out if they can both be done. Both require her attendance and if there is a conflict - that needs to be worked out.
But past that? She’s figuring out her interests, she wants to be involved. There is room for some real world lessons here, but there is also room for her to really enjoy herself too.
I don’t see any of this as some proof that she now just needs to tough it out and can’t say “I need a day”.
If it's not affecting her grades, then I'd let her do both otherwise she would need to pick one. Even though her plan sounds crazy and it means that I would be driving her around to all of these commitments. I was always super involved in high school and grad school. I took a break in college. I think it prepared me well for multitasking into bigger projects later as an adult, until the kids came along and owned my time.
Teens who are 14-15 years old haven't developed a lot of the executive functioning/planning skills to truly know the full long term consequences of their actions. They are starting to develop this, but it's not really there and they certainly still make impulsive decisions for years.
You are the adult and you are the leader with experience and the ability to care for your kid here--and it seems like you are trying to "lead" her by trial by fire but tbh it comes across as "you should have known this would happen when you overcommitted and so now you will be punished, and THAT is how you will learn."
With the play and school--how exactly would she have known what overcommitment looked like if she didn't ever have that experience? Also in your original post you seemed super reluctant to allow a single day of rest after she overtly and multiple times begged for it--I wondered how much more work did she need to do to earn that rest?
NOW she's about to repeat her mistake, YOU, the leader can see it--you did tell her (in text) but are you really HELPING her? All you are doing is telling her, "When you ultimately fail again, there will be punishment in the form of no rest because YOU messed up and I didn't support you."
When she thinks about her high school years she is going to remember how much fun she had with theatre and activities. That time with friends doing things she loves are going to be her core memories. Classes and grades are really going to be secondary. She will talk about her favorite play years from now but absolutely no one is going to care what you made on your math test. Sounds like she is making her way and doing well to me. I do agree with PP about making sure she keeps up with her therapy appointments. Her medical needs come first.
I was thinking the same thing. I learned so much by trying new things and at times over extending myself. I also have so many fun memories from being involved. And yes sometimes those things were going on at the same time. From my perspective this is a pretty classic high school experience.
My son is in sports and band. Both really high involvement activities. Both can conflict also. He loved the communities. He has talked for days how much fun the bus ride home was the other day from a meet after he won.
I think I would support her in this endeavor. She will learn if this much activity is for her or not.
Post by donutsmakemegonuts on Mar 18, 2023 11:43:49 GMT -5
I remember going straight from lacrosse practice to musical rehearsals multiple times a week during highschool. The rehearsals would last until 8 or 9 at night which made for a long day. I wasn't a lead in the musicals so I did have some downtime so I would do my homework then. I know the musical director was understanding about coming late to rehearsals due to sports commitments because he wanted everyone to be able to participate but he was also upfront about the importance of the commitment to the musical as well.
All that to say I was probably stressed out at the time, but all I remember now is the great memories I had of both activities. My parents never questioned me doing both as long as I kept a handle on all of my school work. I think it taught me good time management and gave me the opportunity to be friends with different people outside of my little group. Most of my close friends played sports but didn't do theater.
I'd print a paper calendar and have her fill in all of those practices, rehearsals, games and performances to see where these things truly overlap. She needs to find out if missing is going to affect the play or the team, that's up to the people running these activities. My son is only in middle school and whe he got a part in the play a calendar of dates came home and the director wanted to know about current conflicts and made it clear that you'll be replaced if you can't commit. Also - will parents be involved in racing her between the activities when they overlap? You get to decide if that's stress you want to add to your own life. As long as she does the work to find out if she can be involved in both without bringing the whole family down, I'd let her make the decision.
Also all schools are different, but coaches/teachers at my son’s school are very supportive of multi activity students. It is in the student to be proactive about conflict and communication. Outside of that everyone assumes the students will from time to time be running from one thing to the next.
This fall my son would go to XC practice, rush home and back to school for marching band. That would get over around 11 pm. Then in the bus at 6 am the next morning for a XC meet. It was insanity. I found it exhausting lol. He loved it. And all of the coaches/teachers went out of their way to make sure kids weren’t having to make a decision between only balancing one activity. It was part of the community aspect of being in high school thst makes it really fun.
When she thinks about her high school years she is going to remember how much fun she had with theatre and activities.
I don’t know. I really overextended myself a few times as a kid and my memories of those times aren’t the fun parts but of the overwhelming feeling of stress and that I was a failure when I couldn’t easily balance it all. It had a lasting negative effect on my self esteem because I thought I should be able to handle it all.