A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[pandora89]

starburst604 - OMG he fucking sucks, she fucking sucks, they definitely deserve each other. wow at her unloading all of this onto you after getting with a man she knew was married. you are far nicer than I am because fuck her lol.

[ssmjlm]

felicity , at a minimum, I would see about counseling for yourself. At least have another party that can help walk and talk through things.

[wanderingback]

I think I waited about 18 months to leave/separate/tell him I was done. We did counseling for about 12 months.

What I kept repeating in my head was if I were on my death bed would I regret leaving or would I regret staying and letting him treat me poorly. That was a very easy decision to make when I thought about it because I knew he didn’t deserve me and waiting any longer was not in my best interest.

It just makes me so upset that so many women put up with shitty behavior for far too long. Hugs to all of you. You all deserve better and will have better once you’re out of your relationships even if it might be difficult in the beginning.

[trytobearunner34]

felicity (((Hugs))) Being in an unhappy marriage is soul sucking and feeling stuck just compounds that so much. I stayed at home with our daughter and certainly understand the feelings associated with returning to work after time away. My husband initiated our separation but we had been struggling/ working on our marriage for quite some time. The six months leading up to his initiating separation I worked toward resuscitating our marriage while at the same time preparing myself for what might and did come.

First things first. -as someone else suggested find a counselor for just you first.

With their help you can sort through the priorities such as your state of mind, potentially seeking marriage counseling (marriage counseling didn’t save my marriage but helped tremendously with our communication skills and understanding of one another which have made separation and working together for the sake of our daughter so much better), building your village, and developing a game plan for returning to work/figuring out a financial game plan.

As cliche as it is the journey of a thousand miles starts truly does begin with a single step. Counseling offers so many options now virtually and in person so hopefully you can find just the right fit.

[starburst604]

May 30, 2024 15:51:02 GMT -5 pandora89 said:

starburst604 - OMG he fucking sucks, she fucking sucks, they definitely deserve each other. wow at her unloading all of this onto you after getting with a man she knew was married. you are far nicer than I am because fuck her lol.

She came out of the gate calling me the C word, white trash and a gold digger lol. I was like oh, I can tell exactly what he’s been telling her. It’s actually given me some peace comparing screenshots with her and knowing what he was telling her about me and when we split. She ignored some red flags for sure, but he is a sociopath.

[FrankieM20]

Felicity, I can relate to so much of what you posted. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

I did discover that there are such things as a divorce coach where they can help you navigate the steps and logistics. Obviously that costs money, but it was a service I didn’t knew existed until a few days ago. You could tell your spouse it’s just a run of the mill therapist while really working towards separation/divorce.

i spoke to a lawyer for the first time today and I feel a little more confident about what next steps could look like when I decide to finally make a move. A lot of what I thought wasn’t allowed (moving out, moving money, etc.) actually is ok (per the lawyer I spoke to for my state) so I really have more options than I initially thought.

Just some extra information from someone who is going through a somewhat similar situation.

[starburst604]

May 30, 2024 19:29:29 GMT -5 mofongo said:

starburst604 - um, did she apologize?!? And why did they break up the first time? GOD I hate him

Yes, she apologized for both the name calling and getting involved with him at all. He really came HARD for her as it turns out, starting last summer, but it intensified after the first of the year and they first got together physically in February. Asshole. They dated when they were 20 for a summer so nothing big. She remembered him as this sweet, goofy 20 year old and had no idea what he had turned into. He had her convinced that we had been sleeping in separate bedrooms since last fall and that I was mentally unstable and suicidal and that’s why he hadn’t actually moved out yet or filed for divorce. 🙄 Homocidal perhaps but never suicidal!

[wildrice]

May 30, 2024 19:34:13 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 30, 2024 19:29:29 GMT -5 mofongo said:

starburst604 - um, did she apologize?!? And why did they break up the first time? GOD I hate him

Yes, she apologized for both the name calling and getting involved with him at all. He really came HARD for her as it turns out, starting last summer, but it intensified after the first of the year and they first got together physically in February. Asshole. They dated when they were 20 for a summer so nothing big. She remembered him as this sweet, goofy 20 year old and had no idea what he had turned into. He had her convinced that we had been sleeping in separate bedrooms since last fall and that I was mentally unstable and suicidal and that’s why he hadn’t actually moved out yet or filed for divorce. 🙄 Homocidal perhaps but never suicidal!

Interesting choice of words for you if she thought you were having mental health issues. She sounds so kind.

He sounds a lot like my XH and how he handled things at the end of our marriage, including having an affair with someone from when he was a young adult (I think 18?). I know he also told his next gf some things about me that were totally untrue and made me look terrible. I honestly would never trust a man who trash talks his ex without any other proof that she was the problem - sounds all too common that these shitty men act like this!

I'm so glad you are done with this POS.

[starburst604]

May 30, 2024 20:34:52 GMT -5 wildrice said:

May 30, 2024 19:34:13 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Yes, she apologized for both the name calling and getting involved with him at all. He really came HARD for her as it turns out, starting last summer, but it intensified after the first of the year and they first got together physically in February. Asshole. They dated when they were 20 for a summer so nothing big. She remembered him as this sweet, goofy 20 year old and had no idea what he had turned into. He had her convinced that we had been sleeping in separate bedrooms since last fall and that I was mentally unstable and suicidal and that’s why he hadn’t actually moved out yet or filed for divorce. 🙄 Homocidal perhaps but never suicidal!

Interesting choice of words for you if she thought you were having mental health issues. She sounds so kind.

He sounds a lot like my XH and how he handled things at the end of our marriage, including having an affair with someone from when he was a young adult (I think 18?). I know he also told his next gf some things about me that were totally untrue and made me look terrible. I honestly would never trust a man who trash talks his ex without any other proof that she was the problem - sounds all too common that these shitty men act like this!

I'm so glad you are done with this POS.

Agree, if a man ever talked the way he did about me, I’d run screaming in the opposite direction. I’m by no means a friend of this woman, we both got the information we needed and can proceed accordingly. He’s dead to me.

[shauni27]

May 30, 2024 18:51:10 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

I did discover that there are such things as a divorce coach where they can help you navigate the steps and logistics. Obviously that costs money, but it was a service I didn’t knew existed until a few days ago. You could tell your spouse it’s just a run of the mill therapist while really working towards separation/divorce.

do you have more information on this? I would like to help my friend with her hopeful divorce and I think paying for a coach could be a great gift to help ease her burden. 

[lavenderblue]

When my kids Dad and I were fighting for custody last year, we ultimately settled and I agree to take a little more than half of what the state calculators said I should get for child support. Since then, my kids have completely stopped going to his house for any sort of visitation. I pay for everything from clothes, to cell phones, food on the table, health insurance, car insurance, etc., so last week I filed for an increase in child support and am going after the state calculated amount. He hasn't been notified yet, but I imagine it's not going to go over well. As part of our agreement, I am to pay the first $250 of medical expenses out of pocket and then anything over/above that he has to reimburse me 50%. I have a HDHP. The out of pocket costs are not small ($115 eow just for DDs therapy). He's big mad. Well dude, if you actually paid me the full child support amount, I maybe could've afford a better health plan. Wait until I send him his half of the bill for taking DS to the ER this past weekend, he might stroke out.

[FrankieM20]

May 31, 2024 7:28:37 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

May 30, 2024 18:51:10 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

I did discover that there are such things as a divorce coach where they can help you navigate the steps and logistics. Obviously that costs money, but it was a service I didn’t knew existed until a few days ago. You could tell your spouse it’s just a run of the mill therapist while really working towards separation/divorce.

do you have more information on this? I would like to help my friend with her hopeful divorce and I think paying for a coach could be a great gift to help ease her burden. 

Oh wow, that’s so generous of you! She would probably love that. I just googled “divorce coach near me”. There did appear to be some that are nationwide as well. I have a consult next week and I’ll report back! The one I am scheduled with is part of a local therapy office.

[shauni27]

May 31, 2024 13:48:25 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

May 31, 2024 7:28:37 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

do you have more information on this? I would like to help my friend with her hopeful divorce and I think paying for a coach could be a great gift to help ease her burden. 

Oh wow, that’s so generous of you! She would probably love that. I just googled “divorce coach near me”. There did appear to be some that are nationwide as well. I have a consult next week and I’ll report back! The one I am scheduled with is part of a local therapy office.

thats what I did, googled for them near me, but so far they all seem to be more about coaching through healthy dialogue and making the divorce as amicable as possible. she needs more help with the actual logistics; someone to help guide her through the steps of finding a place to live, how to financially afford this, etc.

[FrankieM20]

Oh yeah, that’s not helpful at all. The lawyer I met with today was a divorce coach and lawyer, so maybe try googling that? There also might be some therapists that specialize in divorce. I also found a women’s support group for people in various stages of divorce, from contemplating it to life after.

I am in a major city so I recognize that my area probably has a lot more resources than say a small town might have.

[sent]

I've been having crazy vivid dreams again. In last night's dream, I was on a date with a random person from my past. We were just chatting on the date and he complimented my hair.

I've had these dreams before where some other guy is in the dream. We're usually doing something really innocuous and the dreams usually stop short of even getting to first base. One time that guy was President Obama.

Since the AC broke last weekend, we've been keeping all the windows open at home. As I walk around and fiddle with the windows, I'm reminded that he replaced all the windows a few years ago. They needed to be replaced, but he did whatever he wanted with that project and I didn't agree with the direction he took. But I didn't try to give input because I knew he wouldn't listen to it. Now every time I open one of these windows, I keep getting reminded that my opinion does not matter to him. I often have these same feelings when I open the refrigerator that I don't like, walk on our kitchen floor that I didn't want, etc. All major things about the house that he decided and refused to take my input and compromise.

All of that to say that I'm mentally ok that if this house will need to be sold and I buy another one in town. DD will be devastated, but I'll have to remind her that houses don't have to be forever. The more important thing is that we won't have to leave her school or friends.

[amandakisser]

sent, I am about to list my home and uproot my children for the first time in their lives. I was TERRIFIED of throwing yet another major life change at them.

To my surprise and delight, they are both ecstatic about the move - we are majorly downsizing, from 3000 sqft to less than 1000 (eeeek!). They'll need to share a room, they won't have as big a yard as we do now, and they'll have to change buses.

But they're both staying in their same schools, and now they're within walking distance of a lot of their friends. They honestly cannot wait to leave lol.

I've approached this move as a new adventure for us, and my positive attitude seems to have rubbed off on them. And even if your daughter is sad, I guarantee she will be more happy that she'll be out of a toxic environment. For every happy memory in this house, I can also attach at least two bad memories for each one. So I'm leaving and not looking back.

[bookqueen15]

Does anyone have any experience with a nesting or "birdnesting" separation/divorce model? Where the kids stay in the family home and the parents alternate staying there and stay elsewhere when it's not their time? Here's an article on it: www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a46444043/bird-nesting-divorce/

My husband keeps bringing it up as the only viable option in the near future if we do go forward with separation/divorce and while I do see some benefits to it, I don't see it working for more than a few years and it seems like we're just delaying the inevitable. I don't know. We moved here two years ago from out of state and our DD is still adjusting to the move. We are both very reluctant to move her again within the next 2-3 years and neither of us can afford to buy the other out of half our home at this point in time but that could be an option in a few years or by that time it may be easier on her to move somewhere else nearby, if we did end up having to sell our current house. 

[deadwing]

bookqueen15, I've heard of that, but no experience. Would you and YH share the "non-parental" living quarters as well, or would you need a total of 3 residences between you? Sharing seems awkward, but three seems expensive and impractical. If the kids are not with either parent (ie: school trip, summer camp, spending time with grandparents, etc), which parent would get to stay in the house? I'm sure there are plenty of other scenarios that would need to be hashed out as well. I see the appeal in making changes easier on the children... but it also sounds very challenging in other ways.

[bcv513]

bookqueen15,we debated doing this to try to keep things as normal as possible for C. Her pediatrician and the mediator both said it's not a great long term solution. Looking back now, I'm glad we didn't do it. I think we all benefited from a fresh start.

[bcv513]

I thought of you ladies this weekend. My garbage disposal broke and XH offered to come over to fix it. It was his weekend with C so I jumped at the chance to see her. She was styling my hair while he worked and after a while I realized it was very quiet in the kitchen. I went looking for XH and found him. Asleep. In my bed.

[deadwing]

Jun 4, 2024 12:18:43 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I thought of you ladies this weekend. My garbage disposal broke and XH offered to come over to fix it. It was his weekend with C so I jumped at the chance to see her. She was styling my hair while he worked and after a while I realized it was very quiet in the kitchen. I went looking for XH and found him. Asleep. In my bed.

The nerve!  I'm sure he thought it was NBD, too.  A person's bed is sacred.

[bookqueen15]

deadwing I don't think we would share "non-parental" living quarters. We both currently have other options for where to stay (with friends/family) so that would be an initial short-term solution but one of us may need to get their own separate place eventually but it's unlikely that both of us would so we wouldn't have 3 total residences, more than likely just two. And it would be less expensive in our area than if we each had a place large enough for the kids.

That's a good point about who would stay in the house if the kids aren't with either parent, our kids are still young and 4 years apart, so we've never had that scenario yet and it likely would be pretty rare if it ever happened. Our DD does go to sleepaway camp but not DS yet and by the time he's ready she'll probably be over it. I think we could probably figure that out pretty easily though if that scenario arose.

bcv513 Yeah, I definitely agree it's not a good long-term solution but perhaps it could work in the short-term for like 1-3 years at most, I don't think longer than that would really work.

[wildrice]

Jun 4, 2024 12:18:43 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I thought of you ladies this weekend. My garbage disposal broke and XH offered to come over to fix it. It was his weekend with C so I jumped at the chance to see her. She was styling my hair while he worked and after a while I realized it was very quiet in the kitchen. I went looking for XH and found him. Asleep. In my bed.

OMFG. I am both horrified and also laughing a bit because really WTF? In what world would a person think that is ok? What is wrong with men???

[Roc A Bee]

Jun 4, 2024 11:24:36 GMT -5 bookqueen15 said:

Does anyone have any experience with a nesting or "birdnesting" separation/divorce model? Where the kids stay in the family home and the parents alternate staying there and stay elsewhere when it's not their time? Here's an article on it: www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a46444043/bird-nesting-divorce/

My husband keeps bringing it up as the only viable option in the near future if we do go forward with separation/divorce and while I do see some benefits to it, I don't see it working for more than a few years and it seems like we're just delaying the inevitable. I don't know. We moved here two years ago from out of state and our DD is still adjusting to the move. We are both very reluctant to move her again within the next 2-3 years and neither of us can afford to buy the other out of half our home at this point in time but that could be an option in a few years or by that time it may be easier on her to move somewhere else nearby, if we did end up having to sell our current house. 

I would not do this. Seems messy. Also kids are going to experience change during divorce, that is inevitable. It’s how you talk and deal with the change. Trying to keep one common house isn’t going to lessen the pain they will experience and I think potentially complicate matters.

[twinmomma]

bookqueen15 , Dh and his ex did that as they were going through the divorce process, but it was always a short term solution until they sold the house and each found their own places to live. DH hated it. He was really resentful that he'd have to leave the house and go crash with his mom while his ex stayed in the house and invited new guys over to spend the night while he was gone. He only agreed to it because they knew they'd have to sell the marital home and timing wise it was what made the most sense. I would definitely never make it a real solution long term.

ETA - it can also really complicate things down the line if you and your ex have different rules or expectations for the kids. We use the "that's what you're allowed at mom's house, not here" line a lot in our household. If it was all the same house but a different parent bouncing in and out I could see that getting very messy very quickly. 

[wanderingback]

Jun 4, 2024 13:05:59 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Jun 4, 2024 11:24:36 GMT -5 bookqueen15 said:

Does anyone have any experience with a nesting or "birdnesting" separation/divorce model? Where the kids stay in the family home and the parents alternate staying there and stay elsewhere when it's not their time? Here's an article on it: www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a46444043/bird-nesting-divorce/

My husband keeps bringing it up as the only viable option in the near future if we do go forward with separation/divorce and while I do see some benefits to it, I don't see it working for more than a few years and it seems like we're just delaying the inevitable. I don't know. We moved here two years ago from out of state and our DD is still adjusting to the move. We are both very reluctant to move her again within the next 2-3 years and neither of us can afford to buy the other out of half our home at this point in time but that could be an option in a few years or by that time it may be easier on her to move somewhere else nearby, if we did end up having to sell our current house. 

I would not do this. Seems messy. Also kids are going to experience change during divorce, that is inevitable. It’s how you talk and deal with the change. Trying to keep one common house isn’t going to lessen the pain they will experience and I think potentially complicate matters.

I agree with this.
The practical aspect of this seems it could get messy and impractical quickly.
As someone who somewhat manages 2 households it can be annoying.
For example, grocery shopping and meal prep. Wouldn’t you be annoyed if you showed up and the ex hadn’t cleaned the house or repaired something that needed to be fixed.
The only scenario where I see it could maybe work is if you were super rich and had house cleaners and a house manager to take care of all those kind of things so didn’t have to share that responsibility with the ex.

[sent]

I was reading about nesting and all the articles say it should be a short term solution.

The idea sounded good in my head until I thought about it and then I couldn't logistically figure out how it would work. There are 2 places to live and the parents switch between the 2 places while the kids stay in 1 place. But if the adults have to share the second location, well, part of the reason I'm so over this is because I don't like the living situation at our current location. Nesting could only work if we had 3 places to live but we won't have that.

[pumpkincat]

I had a very low conflict divorce and did all the paperwork myself because we basically agreed on everything. We coparent extremely well.

There's still no way in hell I'd want to share a living space with him, even temporarily.

[bookqueen15]

Thanks for the feedback. We wouldn't be sharing two spaces, the only shared space would the house. As we both have other options of places to stay when not at the house. I do have concerns about coming back and being annoyed at the condition the house was in though and then that creating more conflict.

I do agree that it would probably only work for the short term though, although I think we might be able to make it work for up to two years maybe three. We live in a state with a 1-year separation period, so at a min I think we would do it for at least a year.

I understand the kids will experience change with a divorce no matter what but moving houses/neighborhoods again so soon after just doing that (which my DD is still processing after 2 years as she isn't neurotypical) will be really difficult for my DD and my DS as well, especially since they both have made a lot of friends on our street that they play with often. And unfortunately, neither of us can buy the other out of our current house right now. If I could do that, then I would just go that direction but it's not an option right now. But could be an option in a few years. Or as my DD gets older, moving might be easier for her if we do eventually have to sell this house. I wish this all wasn't so complicated though!

[ax2]

Jun 4, 2024 12:18:43 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I thought of you ladies this weekend. My garbage disposal broke and XH offered to come over to fix it. It was his weekend with C so I jumped at the chance to see her. She was styling my hair while he worked and after a while I realized it was very quiet in the kitchen. I went looking for XH and found him. Asleep. In my bed.

I asked my ask if he’s swing by to help with something electrical that only he’d know and the first thing he did was get ornery about some home projects I’d finished that he’d left undone for years. Made a comment about how I was “living the good life now”. I’ll ask someone else going forward, thanks anaywas.