A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[somersault72]

Oct 25, 2024 16:54:36 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

Oct 25, 2024 14:58:58 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Welp. 

It couldn't have happened to a nicer person.
You'd think this would be rock bottom for him, although it doesn't sound like it - "witch hunt."

My first thought.

[starburst604]

Thanks to STBX's job loss, our court date this Thurs. has been postponed. There were too many unknowns so both attorneys thought it would be best. Ugh, I was looking forward to it being finalized but I guess it happening that fast was too good to be true after all. He says he's meeting with a potential employer tomorrow to go over an offer, let's hope that's true and it works out. He paid child support and other stuff he owed this week, so at least he isn't shirking that so far.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Nov 4, 2024 14:45:00 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Thanks to STBX's job loss, our court date this Thurs. has been postponed. There were too many unknowns so both attorneys thought it would be best. Ugh, I was looking forward to it being finalized but I guess it happening that fast was too good to be true after all. He says he's meeting with a potential employer tomorrow to go over an offer, let's hope that's true and it works out. He paid child support and other stuff he owed this week, so at least he isn't shirking that so far.

Sending dust that things shake out fairly quick. It took 3 1/2 years for mine to finalize. 

[starburst604]

Nov 4, 2024 15:33:03 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Nov 4, 2024 14:45:00 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Thanks to STBX's job loss, our court date this Thurs. has been postponed. There were too many unknowns so both attorneys thought it would be best. Ugh, I was looking forward to it being finalized but I guess it happening that fast was too good to be true after all. He says he's meeting with a potential employer tomorrow to go over an offer, let's hope that's true and it works out. He paid child support and other stuff he owed this week, so at least he isn't shirking that so far.

Sending dust that things shake out fairly quick. It took 3 1/2 years for mine to finalize. 

15 months is the average in MA, less for a non-contentious divorce. There's really nothing that should have kept it from being final this week because we weren't arguing over anything in the final separation agreement. Wish his job loss could have been a couple of weeks later! My attorney thinks we'll probably be moved to February. 

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Oct 25, 2024 14:58:58 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Welp. 

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

I NEED YOU TO KNOW I CACKLED OUT LOUD AT MY DESK AND MY CUBEMATE WAS LIKE "WHAT'S SO FUNNY?"

[jlt19]

starburst604 that suuucks! I’m really sorry.

I was thinking we were getting to a “better” place as XH hadn’t really engaged with me over the past few weeks. Texts when necessary and cordial in person.

Then DD has a breakdown last night and he came to get her (against my suggestion). He came in, sat down and said he was quitting his medicine again and how he’s “ready to go”. I told him he was selfish and then he started down the path of me being selfish wanting the divorce and how I didn’t try, same ol same ol.

I’m going to NY this weekend with a friend so I should have known he’d act a fool at some point this week.

[starburst604]

jlt19 your XH and mine are a lot alike with their stupid triggers!! Ugh so he’s quitting his heart meds or is there something else he takes?

[FrankieM20]

LOL forever to the “you didn’t even try” line. As if we didn’t try every.single.day. Of our marriages. Do they all read the same book or something?? How are they all saying the same things.

[blondemoment123]

Nov 5, 2024 19:46:52 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

LOL forever to the “you didn’t even try” line. As if we didn’t try every.single.day. Of our marriages. Do they all read the same book or something?? How are they all saying the same things.

The TS lyrics "And you say I abandoned the ship, but I was going down with it" totally resonate.

[jlt19]

Nov 4, 2024 19:57:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

jlt19 your XH and mine are a lot alike with their stupid triggers!! Ugh so he’s quitting his heart meds or is there something else he takes?

And mine lost his job about 6 months before I “left” and I still don’t know why. Twinsies!

I’m assuming all? He’s quit and re-started both the heart meds and his antidepressants multiple times now, so I can’t keep up. And he’s smoking MORE to help it “move the process along”. Solid logic.

[starburst604]

Nov 5, 2024 21:11:34 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

Nov 4, 2024 19:57:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

jlt19 your XH and mine are a lot alike with their stupid triggers!! Ugh so he’s quitting his heart meds or is there something else he takes?

And mine lost his job about 6 months before I “left” and I still don’t know why. Twinsies!

I’m assuming all? He’s quit and re-started both the heart meds and his antidepressants multiple times now, so I can’t keep up. And he’s smoking MORE to help it “move the process along”. Solid logic.

Jesus. It’s so fucking hard. I actually got into an argument, ok drunken argument, with a friend who suggested and dug in that my life would be so much easier if STBX would just die. No it wouldn’t. I’d have a devastated child who lost her dad that I’d have to guide through life. I hope your STBX will turn it around. Sounds like he’s trying to lay on the guilt trip realllll thick.

[starburst604]

Nov 5, 2024 19:52:20 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Nov 5, 2024 19:46:52 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

LOL forever to the “you didn’t even try” line. As if we didn’t try every.single.day. Of our marriages. Do they all read the same book or something?? How are they all saying the same things.

The TS lyrics "And you say I abandoned the ship, but I was going down with it" totally resonate.

And from Exile “you never gave a warning sign” (I gave so many signs)

[kmpls]

I love all the TS lyrics! Just saw her concert last week

It’s my 20 year anniversary this week and it’s making me feel a certain way. We are separated which is for the best but I am struggling emotionally about the anniversary.

And he still comes to the house all the time. It’s making it impossible to move on.

[nospaekae]

Nov 5, 2024 19:46:52 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

LOL forever to the “you didn’t even try” line. As if we didn’t try every.single.day. Of our marriages. Do they all read the same book or something?? How are they all saying the same things.

I heard this line too. There must be a handbook.

When things started getting rough we agreed to give it 6 months giving our all to see where things shook out. I immediately started trying to plan more time together, make the relationship more of a priority, blah blah blah. He stayed out of the house, made excuses to not be around, and said he'd never go to counseling. At 3 weeks in I asked if he honestly thought we could work this out and he said no so I started the process. But now I'm the asshole because I said I'd "give it 6 months and I bailed after 3 weeks." Like WTF, you said it wasn't going to work out why would I have stuck around for 6 months?

[aprilsails]

We're meeting separately with our mediator today. I have no hope this will work, but maybe. He's asking me if I really want to go through with it. Yes. Yes I do.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Nov 5, 2024 21:14:44 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Nov 5, 2024 21:11:34 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

And mine lost his job about 6 months before I “left” and I still don’t know why. Twinsies!

I’m assuming all? He’s quit and re-started both the heart meds and his antidepressants multiple times now, so I can’t keep up. And he’s smoking MORE to help it “move the process along”. Solid logic.

Jesus. It’s so fucking hard. I actually got into an argument, ok drunken argument, with a friend who suggested and dug in that my life would be so much easier if STBX would just die. No it wouldn’t. I’d have a devastated child who lost her dad that I’d have to guide through life. I hope your STBX will turn it around. Sounds like he’s trying to lay on the guilt trip realllll thick.

Speaking as someone w a dead xh. Sometimes it's a blessing in disguise when addiction is involved.  Granted it has NOT been easy being a single solo parent. Its not something I would recommend if it can be avoided. However, not having to share legal custody has made life 100X easier. All the medical, education decisions .. sign me up!

[amandakisser]

They really DO all say the same shit! My XH loooooves to tell everyone how I gave up on him when he needed me most.

Four years into active addiction, telling him I was going to leave, and continued verbal, emotional and (eventually) sexual abuse. He ALSO got fired from his job within six months of me filing, by a boss that was "out to get him." I found out via mutual friends it was due to his excessive drinking ON THE JOB.

And they wonder why women are happier being single?

[starburst604]

aprilsails how did mediation go?
amandakisser these man children are always the victim! They have zero self awareness or sense of responsibility for their actions and behavior. I went through the same kinds of abuse and I'm so sorry you experienced the same. It's all SO much easier being single and it makes them so angry.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Nov 8, 2024 9:45:58 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

They really DO all say the same shit! My XH loooooves to tell everyone how I gave up on him when he needed me most.

Four years into active addiction, telling him I was going to leave, and continued verbal, emotional and (eventually) sexual abuse. He ALSO got fired from his job within six months of me filing, by a boss that was "out to get him." I found out via mutual friends it was due to his excessive drinking ON THE JOB.

And they wonder why women are happier being single?

Mine liked to say that too .. what he always left out was the plea that he 'needed' me for his recovery to stick - putting the responsibility and ownership of it on me so when/if he failed, he could blame me. Nope, not gonna play that game. The was the straw that broke the camel's back. I filed 3 months later.

[amandakisser]

Nov 8, 2024 13:52:54 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Nov 8, 2024 9:45:58 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

They really DO all say the same shit! My XH loooooves to tell everyone how I gave up on him when he needed me most.

Four years into active addiction, telling him I was going to leave, and continued verbal, emotional and (eventually) sexual abuse. He ALSO got fired from his job within six months of me filing, by a boss that was "out to get him." I found out via mutual friends it was due to his excessive drinking ON THE JOB.

And they wonder why women are happier being single?

Mine liked to say that too .. what he always left out was the plea that he 'needed' me for his recovery to stick - putting the responsibility and ownership of it on me so when/if he failed, he could blame me. Nope, not gonna play that game. The was the straw that broke the camel's back. I filed 3 months later.

YES! I was always blamed every time he drank, so why SHOULD I stick around? Obviously having me gone is the best way to stop drinking. Ugh. 

[aprilsails]

starburst604 it was an introductory meeting separate from each other over Zoom.

The mediator indicated that there are some red flags that means we might have to do lawyer assisted mediation. Which I don't know why we would want to do that. I think it would be twice as expensive.

Essentially STBXH has no idea how any of this works. He does not want to separate. He hasn't made any decisions about what he wants to do with the house. He has refused to let me take anything out of the house other than my own stuff since we have to discuss what goes where with lawyers, according to him. So that means I have gone out and bought everything I needed. He is also refusing to pay child support since I took the kids against his will (please note that the police and Children's Aid were involved and recommended he have no overnights for a minimum of 6 weeks). He refused to leave the house when they recommended that the kids and I love there and he goes elsewhere.

So yeah, I imagine mediation is not going to go well.

He does now appear to be out of psychosis and is not mixing medications. He does have a psychiatrist as well. He's back to work next week. He's sad, lost, and confused. I feel bad, but the six weeks leading up to the breakdown of our marriage were one hell of a wild ride and he was very verbally and emotionally abusive during that time. So I'm not going back even if he's ok now.

[starburst604]

aprilsails yes I can see why the mediator is concerned. It’s a good process when both parties are on board with divorcing and non-contentious but can be a big waste of money otherwise. My friend just hired an attorney and filed for divorce after wasting 8K and 18 months trying to mediate with her STBX.

[aprilsails]

Nov 9, 2024 10:40:56 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

aprilsails yes I can see why the mediator is concerned. It’s a good process when both parties are on board with divorcing and non-contentious but can be a big waste of money otherwise. My friend just hired an attorney and filed for divorce after wasting 8K and 18 months trying to mediate with her STBX.

One of his major personality traits is that he hates wasting or even spending money. So I'm hoping once he gets his head wrapped around things that he gets onboard with the process. I suggested to the mediator that we don't move forwards with the process for at least two more weeks for our first appointment. I need to see if he's capable of getting back to work and watching the kids for a single night before I start negotiating a joint parenting plan.

[aprilsails]

Oh and also all of STBXH's problems are my fault. His drug use is my fault. Him being forced on medical leave is my fault. Him calling the police on me for taking my kids away for a night is my fault. CAS being involved is my fault, not his excessive drug use. The denial is wicked thick.

[blondemoment123]

A weird/random occurrence I wanted to share.

At DS's party yesterday, STBXH hugged my brother when he saying goodbye. STBXH has never willingly hugged anyone a day in his life (aside from me occasionally and DS). My brother left then texted me and asked if STBXH was dying because he was so weirded out by it.

I just can't figure out that man out.

[aprilsails]

Well he's vaping again. Fuck. Last two times he went into psychosis but keeps blaming it on his antidepressants. Had our 9yo daughter for the day and she said he vaped the whole time.

Also kept asking her about my boyfriend. I don't have a fucking boyfriend. I've had 100% custody of two kids while getting my life completely organized for 9 weeks. Jesus H Christ.

Then went on an absolute rant when he dropped her off that he owns all the furniture now that I left. It's staying with the house. Also I have to pay half the mortgage, half the property taxes and half the insurance for him and he owes me nothing.

Mediation is not going to work.

[starburst604]

aprilsails I’m so sorry. I think a lawyer will be your safest bet. I know it’s hard to swallow how expensive it is, but for me with a STBX who is also unstable, it’s been a lifesaver. Consider your attorney your proverbial bodyguard. Having one has emboldened me to stand up to his abuse and not worry about retaliation.

You mentioned your STBX hates spending money unnecessarily and mine is exactly the same. Having attorneys has forced him to be reasonable when it comes to hashing out the legal details because he doesn’t want to spend more than he has to on this.

[ssmjlm]

aprilsails spend the money on a lawyer.

I remember your posts and this isn’t recent. You’ve been dealing with his abuse to you and the kids for too long.

He will either get a reality check or not, but your lawyer will help you get what your deserve.

[livinitup]

aprilsails Mediation is difficult even when both parties are trying to reach an agreement. It’s “cheaper” because it requires less work both during the discussion phase/presenting options (in literal hours) and less labor before/after the session(s). Mounting a legal defense of your “offer” takes many mores hours - because if the back & forth and negations over & over.

I think waiting 2 weeks to re-start or even start the process is a good plan. You can see what you are willing to agree to do based on real-world events (recent events, too).