A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[livinitup]

I remember reading about nesting as the “new thing” for divorcing families and sounded cool until it was tested in real life. The premise is “why make the kids move from home to home? Keep the kids in their home and move the parents”. What could go wrong?

The first major objection was from a female friend who hated the idea of giving her soon 2B ex access to her living space. He would absolutely monitor her, go through her things, demand answers about made-up stuff.

I think it started as a good idea in one of those cool European countries where couples already communicate and have strong support systems. I don’t think Americans are quite built for this level of cooperation.

[amandakisser]

I would never do the nesting trend. Part of the reason for my divorce was my XH's inability/refusal to do any sort of housework. So in this situation, I would have come back to the home just to have to clean up his mess, which I imagine would be significant since he wouldn't have had anyone cleaning up after him daily. And I'd never feel like it was "my" space to do what I want with. As it is, we lived together for two months after I filed for divorce and that was absolute torture.

[Totally not sofamonkey]

I cannot se how a nesting situation would work with a spouse that is not supportive and kind/caring to begin with. Which, while not unheard of, is fairly rare.

The men being discussed in here aren’t listening to requests for bare minimum anyway, so an expectation that they’ll just start listening to your needs, not being a slob, a disrespectful ass, etc is just not a solid plan.

[noodleoo]

bookqueen15: the other thing I would consider is your kids ages regarding school. I feel like if they might have to move and change schools, I’d try to do either before or during elementary school. The earlier the better. They make friends and get really plugged into the community through activities and sports. So if there is a chance you’d still have to move in a few years anyway, I would do it sooner rather than later when it might be harder for the kids to leave a close group of friends, and have to start over in a place where friend groups are already well established.

[Roc A Bee]

Jun 4, 2024 15:32:22 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

bookqueen15: the other thing I would consider is your kids ages regarding school. I feel like if they might have to move and change schools, I’d try to do either before or during elementary school. The earlier the better. They make friends and get really plugged into the community through activities and sports. So if there is a chance you’d still have to move in a few years anyway, I would do it sooner rather than later when it might be harder for the kids to leave a close group of friends, and have to start over in a place where friend groups are already well established.

This. If I knew the kids had to move eventually anyways, then I’d do it now then wait. Waiting will mean they make more friends and be more active in the neighborhood.

[bookqueen15]

noodleoo They are both already in elementary school (currently K and 4th). And my DD already changed elementary schools once after we moved here from Florida two years ago which was a very hard transition for her, so we definitely do not want her to change elementary schools again. Luckily that shouldn't be necessary since she's in an advanced academic program at her school, so we don't technically need to be zoned for her to go to this elementary school. If we do end up having to sell this house and move, my plan is to still stay in the same suburb/area we're already in, ideally in the same school zone or at least the same zone for middle school/high school even if it's a different neighborhood.

She also has made a lot of friends at school who already live in different neighborhoods because of being in this program, so that should help too if we do move. She does have some neighborhood friends she has become close to though, so that's part of the reason I wouldn't want to move her again for at least another year or two.

The reason I am considering the nesting is so my DD could stay in this house/neighborhood for at least the rest of elementary school (2 more years here). I believe that moving her again any sooner will be really difficult for her. And I might be in a better position in two years to be able to stay in this house myself, especially if interest rates come down.

Since my DS is much younger, I am less concerned about him possibly changing elementary schools if we did move in two years as he is much more adaptable than DD is. And he would only be going into 3rd grade then, so young enough to get reconnected in a new elementary school. And if he were to get into the same program my DD is now in, then he could stay at our current school even if we did move to a different neighborhood. Sorry, that was a long response but I have been giving this a lot of thought lately!

[court26]

Jun 4, 2024 13:00:33 GMT -5 wildrice said:

Jun 4, 2024 12:18:43 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I thought of you ladies this weekend. My garbage disposal broke and XH offered to come over to fix it. It was his weekend with C so I jumped at the chance to see her. She was styling my hair while he worked and after a while I realized it was very quiet in the kitchen. I went looking for XH and found him. Asleep. In my bed.

OMFG. I am both horrified and also laughing a bit because really WTF? In what world would a person think that is ok? What is wrong with men???

This was my exact reaction! Holy heck!

[jobae1234]

Jun 4, 2024 17:32:05 GMT -5 bookqueen15 said:

noodleoo They are both already in elementary school (currently K and 4th). And my DD already changed elementary schools once after we moved here from Florida two years ago which was a very hard transition for her, so we definitely do not want her to change elementary schools again. Luckily that shouldn't be necessary since she's in an advanced academic program at her school, so we don't technically need to be zoned for her to go to this elementary school. If we do end up having to sell this house and move, my plan is to still stay in the same suburb/area we're already in, ideally in the same school zone or at least the same zone for middle school/high school even if it's a different neighborhood.

She also has made a lot of friends at school who already live in different neighborhoods because of being in this program, so that should help too if we do move. She does have some neighborhood friends she has become close to though, so that's part of the reason I wouldn't want to move her again for at least another year or two.

The reason I am considering the nesting is so my DD could stay in this house/neighborhood for at least the rest of elementary school (2 more years here). I believe that moving her again any sooner will be really difficult for her. And I might be in a better position in two years to be able to stay in this house myself, especially if interest rates come down.

Since my DS is much younger, I am less concerned about him possibly changing elementary schools if we did move in two years as he is much more adaptable than DD is. And he would only be going into 3rd grade then, so young enough to get reconnected in a new elementary school. And if he were to get into the same program my DD is now in, then he could stay at our current school even if we did move to a different neighborhood. Sorry, that was a long response but I have been giving this a lot of thought lately!

I think you know your kid, and you should do what you think is best, including bird nesting if your STBX is willing. Maybe a 2br apartment would help some of the issues? Separate bedrooms?

[krystee]

bookqueen15 instead of you moving in with family, would they have any interest to move in with you?

If she doesn’t like change and she is already feeling unsettled, would it be worse to change it again in a few years when she is finally settled, rather than changing now?

I would want extremely specific rules in the divorce decree about grocery shopping, home expenses/repairs/bills, cleaning the home, overnight guests, designated private areas like a closet he can’t go in with your stuff and vice versa, and a rule on no cameras/monitoring. I’d also want something in there about proper notice if one party wants to sell.

[wanderingback]

Jun 4, 2024 19:28:05 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

Jun 4, 2024 17:32:05 GMT -5 bookqueen15 said:

noodleoo They are both already in elementary school (currently K and 4th). And my DD already changed elementary schools once after we moved here from Florida two years ago which was a very hard transition for her, so we definitely do not want her to change elementary schools again. Luckily that shouldn't be necessary since she's in an advanced academic program at her school, so we don't technically need to be zoned for her to go to this elementary school. If we do end up having to sell this house and move, my plan is to still stay in the same suburb/area we're already in, ideally in the same school zone or at least the same zone for middle school/high school even if it's a different neighborhood.

She also has made a lot of friends at school who already live in different neighborhoods because of being in this program, so that should help too if we do move. She does have some neighborhood friends she has become close to though, so that's part of the reason I wouldn't want to move her again for at least another year or two.

The reason I am considering the nesting is so my DD could stay in this house/neighborhood for at least the rest of elementary school (2 more years here). I believe that moving her again any sooner will be really difficult for her. And I might be in a better position in two years to be able to stay in this house myself, especially if interest rates come down.

Since my DS is much younger, I am less concerned about him possibly changing elementary schools if we did move in two years as he is much more adaptable than DD is. And he would only be going into 3rd grade then, so young enough to get reconnected in a new elementary school. And if he were to get into the same program my DD is now in, then he could stay at our current school even if we did move to a different neighborhood. Sorry, that was a long response but I have been giving this a lot of thought lately!

I think you know your kid, and you should do what you think is best, including bird nesting if your STBX is willing. Maybe a 2br apartment would help some of the issues? Separate bedrooms?

Wait, maybe I’m misunderstanding. How would a 2br help?
OP’s kids would stay in their current home. Then OP and her ex would live in their own separate places when they aren’t with the kids.

The issue that myself and others are talking about is when coming back to the house with the kids might have to pick up after the ex who left it a mess, how does grocery shopping/food work at the house, house repairs, etc. You have to coordinate that all with the ex for the house the kids and the parents switch off in.

I know lots of people who coparent well, but this takes it to a new level haha.

[jobae1234]

Jun 5, 2024 6:20:49 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Jun 4, 2024 19:28:05 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

I think you know your kid, and you should do what you think is best, including bird nesting if your STBX is willing. Maybe a 2br apartment would help some of the issues? Separate bedrooms?

Wait, maybe I’m misunderstanding. How would a 2br help?
OP’s kids would stay in their current home. Then OP and her ex would live in their own separate places when they aren’t with the kids.

The issue that myself and others are talking about is when coming back to the house with the kids might have to pick up after the ex who left it a mess, how does grocery shopping/food work at the house, house repairs, etc. You have to coordinate that all with the ex for the house the kids and the parents switch off in.

I know lots of people who coparent well, but this takes it to a new level haha.

Many who birdnest also share the second space where they reside when not with the kids. Primarily out of financial necessity. So a 2 br would mean she could keep her bedroom how she wants it, come back to a clean space at least in part, etc. I agree that those who could afford it would do better with 2 other apartments.

And yes you’re right about all the pitfalls for the adults. The point is it could be much easier on the children, at least in the short term. Perhaps not in every situation, but this poster has some concerns about her older kid’s ability to adjust to another change right now. And the truth is that with divorce many kids adjust relatively easily, but not all. Some kids really struggle. So if she thinks her kid would really struggle and she’s willing to make this sacrifice to ease the transition, I think she should go for it. Very few people do this permanently.

[emilyinchile]

Jun 4, 2024 13:00:33 GMT -5 wildrice said:

Jun 4, 2024 12:18:43 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I thought of you ladies this weekend. My garbage disposal broke and XH offered to come over to fix it. It was his weekend with C so I jumped at the chance to see her. She was styling my hair while he worked and after a while I realized it was very quiet in the kitchen. I went looking for XH and found him. Asleep. In my bed.

OMFG. I am both horrified and also laughing a bit because really WTF? In what world would a person think that is ok? What is wrong with men???

A bear would never.

[snapoutofit]

Re Nesting:
I remember listening to this piece on NPR sometime back and it might have some interesting information in it for those considering this approach. I don’t remember too many details about it but it’s not a long listen.

www.npr.org/2023/09/07/1198335037/the-benefits-of-birdnesting-after-divorce

[brooke77]

bookqueen15 - my BFF did “nesting” for about 6 months when she and her ex separated. They had a very amicable separation at first, but it sorta blew up. They had a young toddler (under 2) and an elementary aged kid (6) who also has anxiety. They wanted to keep their kids in the home and in the school district. They would each stay with nearby family members when not in the shared home. It worked for a few months until her ex found a condom in her purse (she was dating on her weekends away from the kids) and lost his mind. Their split turned incredibly nasty after that. They had a very difficult co-parenting relationship for quite awhile that I think the “nesting” situation caused.

Only anecdotal, but I think it can make things very messy.

[archiethedragon]

Jun 5, 2024 7:44:20 GMT -5 emilyinchile said:

Jun 4, 2024 13:00:33 GMT -5 wildrice said:

OMFG. I am both horrified and also laughing a bit because really WTF? In what world would a person think that is ok? What is wrong with men???

A bear would never.

To be fair, if it wasn't too hard or too soft, they might. 

[bookqueen15]

krystee My Mom already lived with us for a year when we first moved up here and it caused some issues, she's now happily settled in her own place so having her move back in with me isn't really an option right now. If we did the nesting, I may stay with her some of the time or with a close friend who has already offered and has the space.

It could be worse later on. Or since she'll be older my thought process was it might have less of an impact on her, as she would be going into MS/7th grade in two years and will likely no longer be as into playing with the neighborhood friends down the street like she is right now. And if we had to move, it would still be nearby but by then she may be more into hanging out with her school friends anyways who likely wouldn't live in our neighborhood. Another factor for her is she currently is unmedicated for ADHD/Anxiety bc of STBX but he has said he may be more willing to consider medication for her once she's a little older/starting MS, so that could help her with dealing with the changes of divorce/moving houses.

[bookqueen15]

jobae1234 Thanks, I am definitely considering it because I feel it will initially be easier for the kids, especially my DD who struggles a lot of with change and transitions. I don't see it being a long-term solution but I think we could do it for about two years at least, if we do go forward with separation/divorce in the coming months. And it could mean that we wouldn't have to move at all, bc after more time it might be an option for me to stay in the house.

I realize it's unconventional and it doesn't seem many people have tried it but I guess we'll see if it can work for us.

[cville]

Jun 4, 2024 13:05:59 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Jun 4, 2024 11:24:36 GMT -5 bookqueen15 said:

Does anyone have any experience with a nesting or "birdnesting" separation/divorce model? Where the kids stay in the family home and the parents alternate staying there and stay elsewhere when it's not their time? Here's an article on it: www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a46444043/bird-nesting-divorce/

My husband keeps bringing it up as the only viable option in the near future if we do go forward with separation/divorce and while I do see some benefits to it, I don't see it working for more than a few years and it seems like we're just delaying the inevitable. I don't know. We moved here two years ago from out of state and our DD is still adjusting to the move. We are both very reluctant to move her again within the next 2-3 years and neither of us can afford to buy the other out of half our home at this point in time but that could be an option in a few years or by that time it may be easier on her to move somewhere else nearby, if we did end up having to sell our current house. 

I would not do this. Seems messy. Also kids are going to experience change during divorce, that is inevitable. It’s how you talk and deal with the change. Trying to keep one common house isn’t going to lessen the pain they will experience and I think potentially complicate matters.

I have a friend who tried this with her ex. It was a logistical nightmare. They'd planned to do it for 2 years but stopped after about 6 months because it had turned into such a mess. It doesn't help that her ex is a total asshole who did shit like take her toothpaste with him when he left and once threw a backyard party the last of "his" nights there and just left the mess.

[wanderingback]

Jun 5, 2024 7:41:59 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

Jun 5, 2024 6:20:49 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Wait, maybe I’m misunderstanding. How would a 2br help?
OP’s kids would stay in their current home. Then OP and her ex would live in their own separate places when they aren’t with the kids.

The issue that myself and others are talking about is when coming back to the house with the kids might have to pick up after the ex who left it a mess, how does grocery shopping/food work at the house, house repairs, etc. You have to coordinate that all with the ex for the house the kids and the parents switch off in.

I know lots of people who coparent well, but this takes it to a new level haha.

Many who birdnest also share the second space where they reside when not with the kids. Primarily out of financial necessity. So a 2 br would mean she could keep her bedroom how she wants it, come back to a clean space at least in part, etc. I agree that those who could afford it would do better with 2 other apartments.

And yes you’re right about all the pitfalls for the adults. The point is it could be much easier on the children, at least in the short term. Perhaps not in every situation, but this poster has some concerns about her older kid’s ability to adjust to another change right now. And the truth is that with divorce many kids adjust relatively easily, but not all. Some kids really struggle. So if she thinks her kid would really struggle and she’s willing to make this sacrifice to ease the transition, I think she should go for it. Very few people do this permanently.

Oh yes i totally understand. I just don’t think a 2 bedroom
Would help the logistics. They’d still be sharing space and logistics of maintaining 2 homes together. Buying food, cleaning supplies, chores, rules to follow etc. Having to share an actual bedroom would be the least of my concerns.

I def see why people would want to do it and it could work but as someone who manages 2 households in a different context the logistics of dealing with that with someone who is an ex would not be my first choice. But of course people know there own individual circumstances the best!

[Totally not sofamonkey]

I think a lot of credit and optimism is being applied where it shouldn’t be. Please keep in mind that your personal happiness and quality of life is just as important as your kids.

[Roc A Bee]

Jun 5, 2024 12:32:33 GMT -5 Totally not sofamonkey said:

I think a lot of credit and optimism is being applied where it shouldn’t be. Please keep in mind that your personal happiness and quality of life is just as important as your kids.

And not only just as important but also affects kids. If you are still unhappy in the living situation, the kids will definitely pick up on that.

[FrankieM20]

I find myself romanticizing this process and have to really check myself and make sure I am being realistic. If my husband was as agreeable and easy to work with as he is in my head, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

I have met with two lawyers and one divorce coach so far and they all have proposed a different plan/path forward. I don’t know which one is right and worry that it won’t be obvious until it’s too late. They all are telling me something a little different and I’m not sure who to believe? If that’s the right word. I have two more meetings lined up in the coming weeks so maybe I’ll have more clarity after those meetings.

[bookqueen15]

Jun 5, 2024 12:26:42 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Jun 5, 2024 7:41:59 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

Many who birdnest also share the second space where they reside when not with the kids. Primarily out of financial necessity. So a 2 br would mean she could keep her bedroom how she wants it, come back to a clean space at least in part, etc. I agree that those who could afford it would do better with 2 other apartments.

And yes you’re right about all the pitfalls for the adults. The point is it could be much easier on the children, at least in the short term. Perhaps not in every situation, but this poster has some concerns about her older kid’s ability to adjust to another change right now. And the truth is that with divorce many kids adjust relatively easily, but not all. Some kids really struggle. So if she thinks her kid would really struggle and she’s willing to make this sacrifice to ease the transition, I think she should go for it. Very few people do this permanently.

Oh yes i totally understand. I just don’t think a 2 bedroom
Would help the logistics. They’d still be sharing space and logistics of maintaining 2 homes together. Buying food, cleaning supplies, chores, rules to follow etc. Having to share an actual bedroom would be the least of my concerns.

I def see why people would want to do it and it could work but as someone who manages 2 households in a different context the logistics of dealing with that with someone who is an ex would not be my first choice. But of course people know there own individual circumstances the best!

I agree with you and I am not interested in sharing space and maintaining two spaces with STBX. Renting a 2 bedroom in our area would also be costly. Just the one family home will be enough to share together if we go the nesting route. 

[bookqueen15]

FrankieM20 I have also found myself romanticizing the whole process too. I have only met with one lawyer so far (who was against the nesting idea), as free consultations don't seem to be a thing around here. I know that getting a divorce will really have huge negative impact on me financially but that would be lessened if we could do the nesting for a few years.

I think I would be happier and my quality of life would improve overall if we did the nesting over what it is right now and has been for the past several years in an unsatisfying marriage. As we haven't really officially separated yet but are doing a lot of talking and discussion about it, logistics, etc. And we have discussed STBX moving to the basement to sleep (he already spends tons of time there b/c that's where his home office is and it has a guest room space with a bathroom) as the first step in the separation, but it hasn't happened yet.

[FrankieM20]

I couldn’t even find a lawyer with a free consultation! The dollar amount per consult is staggering but I’m using it as motivation to keep me moving forward. That I’ve already invested money in it so I have to keep going.

[bookqueen15]

FrankieM20 Mine wasn't free either, it's why I've only done the one so far. I feel like I may need to do one or two more but the cost is definitely high just for a 30 min consult!

I just spent some time running the numbers and looking at housing/rental costs in our area and I am just feeling really defeated right now, as it doesn't seem I can really afford anything in this area on my salary alone. And the divorce attorney I had the consult with told me child support will be pretty minimal even though STBX makes 60k more than me and the state calculator I just used confirmed that. And STBX has made it very clear he will want 50/50 custody. It just feels like there really aren't any good options.

[sugarbear1]

I didn't nest, but I did build exH an ADU in my attic -- it has a full kitchen and a separate entrance. He lived there for two years, so our kids did not have to move at all. Then he moved out and now I rent it out to traveling nurses.

This made sense for several reasons, not the least of which is that I am a teacher living in very HCOL, so it allowed me to keep the house.

[wanderingback]

Jun 5, 2024 14:12:54 GMT -5 bookqueen15 said:

Jun 5, 2024 12:26:42 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Oh yes i totally understand. I just don’t think a 2 bedroom
Would help the logistics. They’d still be sharing space and logistics of maintaining 2 homes together. Buying food, cleaning supplies, chores, rules to follow etc. Having to share an actual bedroom would be the least of my concerns.

I def see why people would want to do it and it could work but as someone who manages 2 households in a different context the logistics of dealing with that with someone who is an ex would not be my first choice. But of course people know there own individual circumstances the best!

I agree with you and I am not interested in sharing space and maintaining two spaces with STBX. Renting a 2 bedroom in our area would also be costly. Just the one family home will be enough to share together if we go the nesting route. 

Ahh ok got it. I swear I must’ve read what you typed wrong cause I thought you said the kids would stay in the house and you and your ex would rotate out.

So by all staying in the house that would get rid of some of the logistical nightmare but could still have some problems but only you know your relationship. I also think you should def make sure to make it clear to your kids about what’s going on while still living in the same house. If it was a separate apartment in the house I could see that being more clear but for a child I can imagine boundaries being blurry ultimately making it more difficult/confusing for them.

[SusanBAnthony]

Jun 5, 2024 15:15:45 GMT -5 sugarbear1 said:

I didn't nest, but I did build exH an ADU in my attic -- it has a full kitchen and a separate entrance. He lived there for two years, so our kids did not have to move at all. Then he moved out and now I rent it out to traveling nurses.

This made sense for several reasons, not the least of which is that I am a teacher living in very HCOL, so it allowed me to keep the house.

A friend of mine is doing this long term. I think they have been divorced 6 years now. She lives in the basement, the kids and her xive in the rest of the house. I think their plan is to sell the house and both move I to apartments or whatever once the last kid moves out. That seems much better than sharing space in any way with an x. I cannot even fathom.

[sugarbear1]

Jun 5, 2024 16:36:19 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

Jun 5, 2024 15:15:45 GMT -5 sugarbear1 said:

I didn't nest, but I did build exH an ADU in my attic -- it has a full kitchen and a separate entrance. He lived there for two years, so our kids did not have to move at all. Then he moved out and now I rent it out to traveling nurses.

This made sense for several reasons, not the least of which is that I am a teacher living in very HCOL, so it allowed me to keep the house.

A friend of mine is doing this long term. I think they have been divorced 6 years now. She lives in the basement, the kids and her xive in the rest of the house. I think their plan is to sell the house and both move I to apartments or whatever once the last kid moves out. That seems much better than sharing space in any way with an x. I cannot even fathom.

I know it's not for everyone, and it wasn't easy to have him living there. But we made it work and when I got frustrated, I reminded myself that this was how I would hang on to the house.