A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[sadlebred]

FrankieM20 Definitely talk to a lawyer or 3 now and find out what your rights are!

I had my attorney, paperwork, and everything lined up before I told ex-H about it. He knew it was coming, though. I'd strongly hinted, and we'd been miserable for quite some time.

[sadlebred]

pixy0stix Do you have any friends that are attorneys? I've found them to be a good reference. Attorneys tend to know lots of other attorneys.

[trytobearunner34]

FrankieM20 Everyone's experience is different I will share my experience as I was not the one to initiate our separation.  However within about two months I was in a place where I totally accepted and was at peace with the decision.  I would not have initiated it for a variety of reasons, but in hindsight was glad he did.

pixy0stix Depending on the trust and relationship still remaining in your marriage you may be able to work it so you can keep the house. My husband and I separated in January and I am keeping the house. We divided assets in a way that re-paid his half of the equity and spelled out what will happen upon sell of the house, I remarry or our daughter graduates from high school. I will note we are going a very anti-ML route and have not sought legal counsel (our state requires a one year physical separation so we worked together in January conducting our own research and developing a separation agreement that would carry over into the divorce); however, we are almost 6 months in and all is well.

[starburst604]

May 28, 2024 13:35:16 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

May 28, 2024 13:00:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!

Guess the Bahamas didn't go as well as she was hoping. 

Sorry to post and run! Needless to say I was QUITE caught off guard by yesterday’s developments. The summary of what happened is on their last night of the trip, she went through his phone and saw a text he sent me earlier in the night saying he missed me (to which I didn’t respond). Apparently some other stuff had happened that she wasn’t feeling good about either - he was flirting with women in front of her and called her a liar when she called him out on it. She confronted him about the text to me and they argued and he got in her face. She also saw some texts from me calling her a Homewrecker (lol) so her initial text to me was very um, aggressive. For some reason I didn’t reply back with rage. I was more like ok what did he do now? He’s a terrible person and I’m sorry you got caught up in his web. We ended up exchanging messages all day and I found out he started pursuing her last summer. Naturally he lied to her about us, that we were over and just trying to figure out how to approach divorce. The usual BS that cheating cheaters say. She also told me about other times he cheated on me that he told her about, apparently for a year and a half with someone at work. I told her a LOT about him.

The kicker is they still had to fly home from the Bahamas together. The flight was delayed and they missed their connection in Miami and sat in the airport there for 5 hours lol. At one point she screamed at him to leave her alone, it must have been quite the sight for onlookers.

He of course denies everything she told me and at this point I don’t even have strong feelings about it, maybe they will come with time but right now I just pity him. He’s a terrible and pathetic person who will never have happiness, and I will. I’m sorry I wasted 12 years of my life with him but at least I won’t waste another one.

[emilyinchile]

Woooow. What a fucking dirtbag. You're so much better off!

[cville]

I still hope she gets blisters that never heal from her favorite shoes.

[starburst604]

May 29, 2024 9:27:52 GMT -5 cville said:

I still hope she gets blisters that never heal from her favorite shoes.

I mean who gets involved with a guy that admits to cheating on his wife several times?! 

[pixy0stix]

May 29, 2024 9:31:28 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 29, 2024 9:27:52 GMT -5 cville said:

I still hope she gets blisters that never heal from her favorite shoes.

I mean who gets involved with a guy that admits to cheating on his wife several times?! 

And pursued other women while pursuing her. I really just don't get the logic that goes on in the heads of women like this.

[starburst604]

May 29, 2024 9:36:15 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

May 29, 2024 9:31:28 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I mean who gets involved with a guy that admits to cheating on his wife several times?! 

And pursued other women while pursuing her. I really just don't get the logic that goes on in the heads of women like this.

"He made her feel so special". He's good at love bombing, I'll give him that. 

[cville]

May 29, 2024 9:31:28 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 29, 2024 9:27:52 GMT -5 cville said:

I still hope she gets blisters that never heal from her favorite shoes.

I mean who gets involved with a guy that admits to cheating on his wife several times?! 

And then has the audacity to be aggressive with the current wife for calling her a homewrecker? Like. Have some self awareness? Maybe just bitch to your morally bankrupt friends instead?

[gottadobe]

May 29, 2024 9:31:28 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 29, 2024 9:27:52 GMT -5 cville said:

I still hope she gets blisters that never heal from her favorite shoes.

I mean who gets involved with a guy that admits to cheating on his wife several times?! 

Well, she did go through his phone... she knew. 

[icedcoffee]

He told her about all the times he cheated and she still thought he was a good choice? She deserves him.

[starburst604]

May 29, 2024 10:00:21 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

He told her about all the times he cheated and she still thought he was a good choice? She deserves him.

I'm trying to imagine what I'd be thinking if a guy who was pursuing me told me all that. I just.....can't even. 

[lavenderblue]

That's crazy starburst604. It amazes me the things these men will do. My exH was still living with me, still trying to sleep with me, we even went through a brief reconciliation, and the whole time he had a girlfriend. Apparently that is his MO. In talking with his 1st wife, he pulled the same crap with her, except I was the unknowing 'other woman'.

[noodleoo]

starburst604, OMG what an asshole!!! It probably feels good to know the truth (although it probably still hurts). It is always good to get confirmation that you made the right decision tho!

[icedcoffee]

May 29, 2024 10:10:01 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 29, 2024 10:00:21 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

He told her about all the times he cheated and she still thought he was a good choice? She deserves him.

I'm trying to imagine what I'd be thinking if a guy who was pursuing me told me all that. I just.....can't even. 

I'd find it difficult to just date someone who cheated on a girlfriend, but a wife and mother of a child?  NO. This guy needs help and this girl needs a reality check.

[pinkdutchtulips]

FrankieM20 I spoke w attorneys 2 years before I filed. I wanted a sense of what to expect. When I finally left, 2 years later, I left knowing that his vintage muscle car was his and his alone. Other than that there were no joint assets (we lived in a rental, he had liquidated his SEPIRA, i barely had anything in my 401k). When I told him we were getting a divorce, I had everything lined up.

pixy0stix if you know any attorneys they might be able to give you a rec. The attorneys I spoke to were ones recommended to me by attorneys I worked with. I didn't retain any of them bc they were WAY out of my budget but their insights + my 15y of working as a paralegal + how uncomplicated my case was (no joint assets, custody already determined, i wasn't seeking child support) helped immensely.

[FrankieM20]

I made some calls today to set up consultations. It will be good to know what the expect/what my rights are.

Trying to be brave like everyone else and keep taking steps forward. This is absolutely something I should have done 10 years ago. I don’t want to wait another 10 years and be saying the same thing.

[scm1011]

starburst604, wow, he is just such a POS. I get some satisfaction that this new relationship already imploded and I hope you do too. I'm so happy you're nearly rid of this man, you deserve soooo much better.

[starburst604]

May 29, 2024 12:54:15 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

starburst604 , wow, he is just such a POS. I get some satisfaction that this new relationship already imploded and I hope you do too. I'm so happy you're nearly rid of this man, you deserve soooo much better.

I'm definitely getting satisfaction from this!! I didn't expect karma to come for him so quickly. 

[expatjen]

May 29, 2024 12:48:10 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

 This is absolutely something I should have done 10 years ago. I don’t want to wait another 10 years and be saying the same thing.

Absolutely this!

I thought about divorcing my XH years before I actively did something about it. The kicker for me was setting an example for my children. I did not want my daughter to grow up thinking being cheated on and lied to was acceptable and excusable. And I didn't want my son to grow up in an environment where he felt it was ok to treat women as if they were less than him. 

Always trust your gut. 

[sent]

May 29, 2024 12:48:10 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

This is absolutely something I should have done 10 years ago. I don’t want to wait another 10 years and be saying the same thing.

I had these thoughts when I was pregnant with DD and they were still lingering in my brain on her 10th birthday back in December. That's when it hit me that this life full of everything I could have and want is not supposed to be so miserable. I need to fix this. 

[heyyounotyouyou]

I’ve never met any woman that’s said I divorced to soon.

[sugarbear1]

FrankieM20, it took me ten years. I feel like I laid awake for nights on end -- literal years on end -- trying to figure out how to leave without devastating us financially.

[Saudade]

May 29, 2024 17:27:23 GMT -5 sugarbear1 said:

FrankieM20, it took me ten years. I feel like I laid awake for nights on end -- literal years on end -- trying to figure out how to leave without devastating us financially.

This was me too

The first time I thought about it was the day I was discharged from the hospital after having our first kid, 2012. I was so sick and we didn’t know. My exH sais some extremely unkind things at that point.

The next time was when that kid was 18 months old. We were in a bad spot. I did so much googling and note taking to see if I could afford to be single. I couldn’t.

It went on like that and in the end we didn’t officially divorce until 2021.

[sugarbear1]

Saudade, I "liked" in solidarity. I'm so sorry you had to agonize for so long, and I'm glad you got out!

[starburst604]

May 29, 2024 17:14:53 GMT -5 sent said:

May 29, 2024 12:48:10 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

This is absolutely something I should have done 10 years ago. I don’t want to wait another 10 years and be saying the same thing.

I had these thoughts when I was pregnant with DD and they were still lingering in my brain on her 10th birthday back in December. That's when it hit me that this life full of everything I could have and want is not supposed to be so miserable. I need to fix this. 

Yup. When I was trying to decide, I said it’s been 10 years of him doing what he does to me. Am I going to be letting him do the same thing and wonder what I’m doing when we hit 20 years? Something about those decades I guess.

[FrankieM20]

The sad part is that I have agonized over this for years and have been so worried about his feelings and how he will take it when he’s never ever ever considered my feelings when talking to me or making decisions that impact me.

I too need to set an example for my children. My therapist told me something last week that really resonated with me. That for the cycle of abuse the only way to heal comes from leaving. Staying will not fix the situation. I just keep thinking “oh I’ll try xyz and see if that improves things” so it was reassuring to hear that nothing I do will fix it except leaving. As I write that it seems like a “no, duh” kinda thing but I also have been in some serious denial for a long time.

I’ll be financially devastated but hopefully be able to pull out of it in a few years, or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

[sadlebred]

I'll add that we got divorced several years too late. It should have happened earlier.

[Aloe Vera]

Since we're talking about lawyers, I would say file first. The way my exH told me he wanted a divorce was to leave the house one day without saying anything. I had no idea what his new address was and even though we were amicable, he refused to tell me.
I went to see a lawyer close to my house for a consult and I retained him. I didn't file because I didn't know what his address was and for some reason I though I needed to provide this information. I don't know why it never occured to me that the lawyer would have figured it out. He didn't need this from me.
Anyway, ex told me he wasn't ready to file, bla bla bla, and I didn't care because I already had a lawyer but didn't tell him. But, could I please know his new address?
Long story short, he filed with a lawyer in another county and the lawyer I retained told me I couldn't work with him anymore, I had to find a lawyer in the same county, 1.5 hours away. Ugh, I regretted not filing first.