A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[bookqueen15]

wanderingback Well we would eventually rotate in and out of the family home. I meant that we wouldn't also be sharing the other place we stayed at when each of us wasn't at the family home, so we wouldn't be sharing two places. We would be staying with either friends or family when not at the family home with the kids. We would also have separate sleeping rooms in our family home, so that wouldn't be shared either.

Initially though we have discussed just living separately both still in the home together, with him in the basement. To start off the separation. And then eventually try out the nesting model with each of us rotating in and out of the house with the kids. Our state requires a year separation anyways, so it's going to be a long process.

[sarahsays]

bookqueen15, I'd be careful if your state requires a one year separation. In some states that requirement is that you live separately for the year.

[Aloe Vera]

Jun 5, 2024 16:36:19 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

Jun 5, 2024 15:15:45 GMT -5 sugarbear1 said:

I didn't nest, but I did build exH an ADU in my attic -- it has a full kitchen and a separate entrance. He lived there for two years, so our kids did not have to move at all. Then he moved out and now I rent it out to traveling nurses.

This made sense for several reasons, not the least of which is that I am a teacher living in very HCOL, so it allowed me to keep the house.

A friend of mine is doing this long term. I think they have been divorced 6 years now. She lives in the basement, the kids and her xive in the rest of the house. I think their plan is to sell the house and both move I to apartments or whatever once the last kid moves out. That seems much better than sharing space in any way with an x. I cannot even fathom.

This can work if both parties don't change their mind. Does the house belong to them 50/50? What if one of them wants to move to their own place before the last kid moves out? I would never financially share a property with an ex. Even if we were the best of friends. Too many things can go wrong 

[starburst604]

I don't even like living in the same town as STBX, never mind sharing a house in any way!

[ax2]

XH and I lived in the same house for 4 months after he got his new place so her could “fix it up”. Instead he tore all the walls, insulation, plumbing and kitchen out before he ran out of money. Our goodwill towards each other ran out pretty quickly and almost killed any chance of an amicable relationship going forward. And I think it confused things for a the kids. It’s been substantially easier having that distance.

[FrankieM20]

So I’ve meet with attorneys and I’m thinking that I might have more of a contentious road ahead than I maybe would have wanted.

I’m really struggling with thinking ok some days aren’t that bad, do I really want to blow up my life? I’m sick to my stomach that I might have to request certain things that will cause a big fallout but there really is no other way. How is this my life right now??

It’s such a roller coaster and I’m just venting. None of my close friends are divorced and I don’t have that many people to talk to. So thanks for listening. I am going to keep moving forward.

[sent]

FrankieM20, you're not alone. I have the same thoughts, constantly. Especially the "how is this my life right now?" Today has been particularly hard. I don't want to move or shower.

He called a repair guy about fixing the air conditioning and now he wants my opinion on which option we should pick. I have been refusing to give my input, I'm not playing this game again. I will give my opinion and if for some reason that solution doesn't work out, I will get blamed for it. It's a pattern. I pointed out all the home decisions he made without my input so he doesn't need my input on this one. "We should made this decision together." NO. He has been all puppy eyed all afternoon saying "you're the one who is angry all the time" and all this other stuff to show that he's the world's best husband. Yes, I am angry all the time. I can cite exactly 5 months in this marriage when I truly felt happy. I implied that I was going to be going through the motions for divorce and he seemed a little worried.

As you said, how is this my life?

[livinitup]

sent That’s no way to treat your wife. Jeez.

[FrankieM20]

Jun 10, 2024 17:38:41 GMT -5 sent said:

FrankieM20, you're not alone. I have the same thoughts, constantly. Especially the "how is this my life right now?" Today has been particularly hard. I don't want to move or shower.

He called a repair guy about fixing the air conditioning and now he wants my opinion on which option we should pick. I have been refusing to give my input, I'm not playing this game again. I will give my opinion and if for some reason that solution doesn't work out, I will get blamed for it. It's a pattern. I pointed out all the home decisions he made without my input so he doesn't need my input on this one. "We should made this decision together." NO. He has been all puppy eyed all afternoon saying "you're the one who is angry all the time" and all this other stuff to show that he's the world's best husband. Yes, I am angry all the time. I can cite exactly 5 months in this marriage when I truly felt happy. I implied that I was going to be going through the motions for divorce and he seemed a little worried.

As you said, how is this my life?

The mind games are so hard! Even though you know it’s wrong, you really start to question yourself! You can’t win, no matter what you do. It’s exhausting. You deserve so much more than that.

[starburst604]

I'm always blindsided by the things that make me feel sad. Packing up the house to move 2 weeks from Thursday, obviously not an easy task in a lot of ways, but in cleaning out our holiday stuff I realized I can't keep the 3 big Halloween inflatables I bought last Halloween. DD got so much joy out of them and we looked forward to adding more spooky stuff this year. But I won't have a lawn anymore so no reason to hang onto them. Just posted them on the Buy Nothing group after offering them to some friends who declined. Why does THAT of all things make me tear up?

[ax2]

Jun 11, 2024 8:59:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I'm always blindsided by the things that make me feel sad. Packing up the house to move 2 weeks from Thursday, obviously not an easy task in a lot of ways, but in cleaning out our holiday stuff I realized I can't keep the 3 big Halloween inflatables I bought last Halloween. DD got so much joy out of them and we looked forward to adding more spooky stuff this year. But I won't have a lawn anymore so no reason to hang onto them. Just posted them on the Buy Nothing group after offering them to some friends who declined. Why does THAT of all things make me tear up?

I had a hard time at Xmas realizing that XH had taken the ladder I’d use to put of Xmas lights. That and I don’t even know how. I mentioned it to the kids and we worked together to set up lights in the yard that we didn’t need a ladder for. The new memories are going to be great, but it really hurt at the time and I felt like I was failing them huge.

[deadwing]

starburst604, does it make you feel like you're letting your DD down? Even if there is some disappointment over not having fun halloween inflatables, you are not letting her down. You are setting out on the road to a better life for both of you! And you can get other fun decorations that work for your new home.

[starburst604]

Jun 11, 2024 10:08:52 GMT -5 deadwing said:

starburst604 , does it make you feel like you're letting your DD down? Even if there is some disappointment over not having fun halloween inflatables, you are not letting her down. You are setting out on the road to a better life for both of you! And you can get other fun decorations that work for your new home.

Yes, the overall situation of having to move out of our house after a year definitely weighs on me when it comes to DD. We finally got her the nice house with big yard we always wanted for her, with neighbor kids she loves to play with, and now it's just getting ripped away and it's back to condo living. But I've also realized that I idealize that living situation for her childhood because of the happy memories I have of living that way as a child, and it doesn't mean she won't still have a great childhood if it's different from mine. This is the last week of school and although she's happy to go back to her old elementary school, she is of course having some feelings about leaving the current one behind because she's made friends and really likes a lot of the staff there. Some of the friends she'll still see through sports and the rest she'll be in middle school with in a couple of years. Rationally I know I am creating a better future for both of us, but the sadness still seeps through. 

[deadwing]

starburst604, different is not inherently bad, but it's easy to assume it is. I can only imagine how hard it is to have to move again so soon, especially when the house you're leaving means a lot to you. It's OK to be sad and frustrated. It's going to get better.

[sent]

Jun 11, 2024 8:59:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I'm always blindsided by the things that make me feel sad. Packing up the house to move 2 weeks from Thursday, obviously not an easy task in a lot of ways, but in cleaning out our holiday stuff I realized I can't keep the 3 big Halloween inflatables I bought last Halloween. DD got so much joy out of them and we looked forward to adding more spooky stuff this year. But I won't have a lawn anymore so no reason to hang onto them. Just posted them on the Buy Nothing group after offering them to some friends who declined. Why does THAT of all things make me tear up?

We have a bay window and we put some 3 ft. tall inflatables up indoors for the past few years. If you don't have that, you could put a table up against the window and put it there. And you can always put them on the porch. (I think you said you're moving to a house.) We were always too lazy to put them in the yard so they'd go on the porch. 

ETA - just saw condo, still, those HOA's can't come after you for an indoor inflatable!

[bcv513]

starburst604, I could have written your post word for word. Leaving the house and the swing set felt like such a failure. Right after we moved I overheard C telling a friend that we have a condo. The friend said "wow I've never seen a condo before!" I cringed taking it as a negative. But C said later "Image I get to live in a condo and my friend has never even seen one?" I also put all my Christmas decorations in my parents' basement. I'll probably never use them again but I couldn't bear getting rid of them

[sent]

Yesterday he WFH when he was supposed to go into the office. I didn't know this until 8 am when I woke up to make DS's lunch and heard laptop noises. I was mad he didn't tell me when I've asked him to let me know when he changes his plans like this - "you were sleeping." I find I fall asleep often in the daytime to avoid trauma. I spent yesterday feeling physically ill all day and dozing on and off.

Today he went to the office and my body feels so different. So relaxed. Dare I say, I even feel good inside. There is definitely a difference. This must be what FrankieM20's dog felt like.

I would want to buy a different house. I just saw one in the style I want go for $900K in our school district. Eek. Another house that could be a compromise in some of the things I want and but is the next school district went for $500K which is more affordable. If he stayed in the current house, the kids would get to stay in the same school district. I better start saving harder for a downpayment for whatever is coming next for us. One more daycare payment left!

[starburst604]

Jun 11, 2024 10:52:01 GMT -5 sent said:

Jun 11, 2024 8:59:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I'm always blindsided by the things that make me feel sad. Packing up the house to move 2 weeks from Thursday, obviously not an easy task in a lot of ways, but in cleaning out our holiday stuff I realized I can't keep the 3 big Halloween inflatables I bought last Halloween. DD got so much joy out of them and we looked forward to adding more spooky stuff this year. But I won't have a lawn anymore so no reason to hang onto them. Just posted them on the Buy Nothing group after offering them to some friends who declined. Why does THAT of all things make me tear up?

We have a bay window and we put some 3 ft. tall inflatables up indoors for the past few years. If you don't have that, you could put a table up against the window and put it there. And you can always put them on the porch. (I think you said you're moving to a house.) We were always too lazy to put them in the yard so they'd go on the porch. 

ETA - just saw condo, still, those HOA's can't come after you for an indoor inflatable!

These things are 8 and 9 feet tall, but I’m getting a good laugh at the idea of trying to set them up inside my condo! 🤣

[starburst604]

Jun 11, 2024 10:58:04 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604, I could have written your post word for word. Leaving the house and the swing set felt like such a failure. Right after we moved I overheard C telling a friend that we have a condo. The friend said "wow I've never seen a condo before!" I cringed taking it as a negative. But C said later "Image I get to live in a condo and my friend has never even seen one?" I also put all my Christmas decorations in my parents' basement. I'll probably never use them again but I couldn't bear getting rid of them

Awwww that is sweet. I was talking with someone recently about how my favorite friends to visit when I was young sometimes came from very little and didn’t have big houses and yards. I remember doing a sleepover when I was a little older than DD and she lived in an apartment building. I thought it was SO COOL. I didn’t even realize then it was a subsidized housing development until I was older, it was fun and different and I had the best time.

Christmas decor and lights are another thing. I bought all kinds of outdoor lights and got to use them one season here. I’m just going to bring them with me and maybe down the line I’ll feel like offloading them. I have even less outdoor decorating space than at our old townhouse but I’m sure we’ll get creative with the little deck we have.

I’m aiming to make the 3rd floor bonus room a fun spot for DD to have friends over. I’m going to look on FB marketplace for stuff like a foosball or air hockey table to make it really cool up there. Maybe a popcorn machine or something like that.

[kmpls]

My H is moving out. He has had the apt for a month or so but still hasn’t left. Says he plans to by end of summer but won’t give a date.
He seems happy to be leaving. I think splitting is for the best I still can’t help feeling sad and like I failed somehow. I have to stop myself from trying to “fix” things and convince him to stay. He hasn’t been a great husband and we haven’t been happy. This purgatory of him holding the move out date cards seemingly in his hands is frustrating. The unknown is scary also.

[starburst604]

kmpls why is he dragging this out? It seems pretty cruel of him to put you through this uncertainty when he could move tomorrow.

[kmpls]

Jun 11, 2024 11:37:26 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

kmpls why is he dragging this out? It seems pretty cruel of him to put you through this uncertainty when he could move tomorrow.

I don’t know why he hasn’t already moved. He got the place without even telling me. But he won’t commit to a date. The kids also know he is leaving so I think it’s unreasonable to not just leave or commit to a date. I am not sure the reason for the delay. He has already forwarded mail, turned on Internet and utilities. Why are we dragging this out? Probably because he can grill out every day here and is comfortable. I am stuck wanting him to just go and trying to reconcile. I know it’s best it we split so I just need him to move.

[starburst604]

Jun 11, 2024 11:59:49 GMT -5 kmpls said:

Jun 11, 2024 11:37:26 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

kmpls why is he dragging this out? It seems pretty cruel of him to put you through this uncertainty when he could move tomorrow.

I don’t know why he hasn’t already moved. He got the place without even telling me. But he won’t commit to a date. The kids also know he is leaving so I think it’s unreasonable to not just leave or commit to a date. I am not sure the reason for the delay. He has already forwarded mail, turned on Internet and utilities. Why are we dragging this out? Probably because he can grill out every day here and is comfortable. I am stuck wanting him to just go and trying to reconcile. I know it’s best it we split so I just need him to move.

So was that his way of saying he wanted to separate or was it something you had discussed was happening? I don't know where you are in the process, but when my H got his apartment I filed to be the sole occupant of our home. Is something like that a possibility for you? Sorry I don't think I know the backstory or where you are in the process. 

[kmpls]

starburst604 obviously long story. Married almost 20 years. Never been a great marriage. He moved out originally in 2019 but came back during the pandemic which was a mistake and he has basically wanted to leave ever since. He was diagnosed with terminal illness last year and I was there for him and we were good for a bit. But he got mean and almost seems like he blames me for all his problems. He got a place around Christmas but Ichanged his mind. We have been not getting along, I tried to talk to him about things a month ago and he said he had a place and would move out by end of summer. He just seems checked out of everything.

[blondemoment123]

Apparently hiring a landscaper for my parents house was the tipping point for STBXH. He was pissed that I didn't ask him to do the landscape work. (He was here picking up DS when the landscaper came).

This lead to a rant about how I'm making bad choices etc. 🙄

[bex1973]

blondemoment123, F him. I'd have come back with a "good thing MY choices don't impact you anymore" and walked away.

[blondemoment123]

Jun 12, 2024 6:54:35 GMT -5 bex1973 said:

blondemoment123, F him. I'd have come back with a "good thing MY choices don't impact you anymore" and walked away.

I'm getting the silent treatment. Luckily he texted my mom about DS so I know he's fine, but it's like...dude?? Really??

You think me leaving was a mistake then immediately show me nothing has or will change.

[livinitup]

blondemoment123 Why would you ask your STBX to do the landscaping work at your parent’s house? Is he a landscaper? Is this an income thing for him?

Because “Dude, I want to divorce you” usually infers I don’t want to hire you either. Or have you around doing favors for my parents, either.

“No offense, but fuck off. It was a GREAT decision to hire someone who is not you. Clearly.”

[lavenderblue]

I keep telling myself, only 2 more years of dealing with ex-narc #1. We split in 2009 and for many years we had 50/50 custody, no child support was paid, we just paid for things at our respective houses and then split extra-curriculars and what not 50/50. Last year after he tried to unalive himself I filed for full custody. I know have full legal and physical custody and he has no scheduled visitation. My daughter hasn't been to his house in months and DS just went for the first time in 2 months on Sunday and only stayed for 4 hours.

I give that background because I just filed for an increase in child support. When we came to our agreement I accepted half the amount of state recommended child support, and on top of that he only has to pay half of medical costs, he doesn't have to pay for any of the extras. Well after 9 months, this just isn't sustainable for me. Teenagers are expensive. Now he's threatening to take me back for more custody. First of all, the kids don't even want to go to his house, so how does he think that is going to work? Also, if by some weird whatever we went back to 50/50, he'd have to pay for half of everything again. It's making me realize that it isn't about the money, he just doesn't want to give me the money. I can't even with this man.

I'm not even paying my lawyer for this stuff, if he wants to take me to court, my kids have volunteered to tell the judge that under no circumstance do they want to be required to go to his over, like, ever. This should be fun.

[blondemoment123]

Jun 12, 2024 13:34:24 GMT -5 livinitup said:

blondemoment123 Why would you ask your STBX to do the landscaping work at your parent’s house? Is he a landscaper? Is this an income thing for him?

Because “Dude, I want to divorce you” usually infers I don’t want to hire you either. Or have you around doing favors for my parents, either.

“No offense, but fuck off. It was a GREAT decision to hire someone who is not you. Clearly.”

Nope, not a landscaper. We had a landscaper at our house since he never had time for lawn work!

No idea why this of all things set him off. He still wasn't speaking to me when I picked DS up.