A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[heyyounotyouyou]

Jun 12, 2024 17:23:33 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Jun 12, 2024 13:34:24 GMT -5 livinitup said:

blondemoment123 Why would you ask your STBX to do the landscaping work at your parent’s house? Is he a landscaper? Is this an income thing for him?

Because “Dude, I want to divorce you” usually infers I don’t want to hire you either. Or have you around doing favors for my parents, either.

“No offense, but fuck off. It was a GREAT decision to hire someone who is not you. Clearly.”

Nope, not a landscaper. We had a landscaper at our house since he never had time for lawn work!

No idea why this of all things set him off. He still wasn't speaking to me when I picked DS up.

What?? He’s not even a landscaper?!?! What a douche. 

[sent]

I'm going to write this here so I remember for next year. Father's Day on social media gives me ALL the triggers. I forgot about these awful feelings from last year. Next time, I need to avoid it on the actual day and the day after too. I was triggered, got into a loud fight with him and it was just uncalled for on my end. I am tired of always having to be the "better" one. I had to apologize to DD for my behavior. I did tell her that at some point in the near future, he wouldn't be living with us. She asked if she could still visit him and I said yes, she could do that.

UGH this is going to be so hard. I am dragging my feel on signing that contract and paying the lawyer. She sent me the names of 4 or 5 mediators and I only quickly looked at their online presence. I need to cross-reference their names with our local moms FB group to see if anyone has mentioned any of them and then start calling for appointments. I told him that we are going to have to meet with a mediator, but I think he still doesn't believe I'm going to follow through.

[katieb4tom]

Jun 18, 2024 17:50:21 GMT -5 sent said:

I'm going to write this here so I remember for next year. Father's Day on social media gives me ALL the triggers. I forgot about these awful feelings from last year. Next time, I need to avoid it on the actual day and the day after too. I was triggered, got into a loud fight with him and it was just uncalled for on my end. I am tired of always having to be the "better" one. I had to apologize to DD for my behavior. I did tell her that at some point in the near future, he wouldn't be living with us. She asked if she could still visit him and I said yes, she could do that.

UGH this is going to be so hard. I am dragging my feel on signing that contract and paying the lawyer. She sent me the names of 4 or 5 mediators and I only quickly looked at their online presence. I need to cross-reference their names with our local moms FB group to see if anyone has mentioned any of them and then start calling for appointments. I told him that we are going to have to meet with a mediator, but I think he still doesn't believe I'm going to follow through.

Hey, with all sympathy and care, if you’re talking to your daughter about the separation, you’re already way behind in filing and making this official. She is not your confidante. She is a child who needs clear boundaries and a clear plan. Again, said with care because I understand how hard this is.

[sent]

Jun 18, 2024 17:55:55 GMT -5 katieb4tom said:

Jun 18, 2024 17:50:21 GMT -5 sent said:

I'm going to write this here so I remember for next year. Father's Day on social media gives me ALL the triggers. I forgot about these awful feelings from last year. Next time, I need to avoid it on the actual day and the day after too. I was triggered, got into a loud fight with him and it was just uncalled for on my end. I am tired of always having to be the "better" one. I had to apologize to DD for my behavior. I did tell her that at some point in the near future, he wouldn't be living with us. She asked if she could still visit him and I said yes, she could do that.

UGH this is going to be so hard. I am dragging my feel on signing that contract and paying the lawyer. She sent me the names of 4 or 5 mediators and I only quickly looked at their online presence. I need to cross-reference their names with our local moms FB group to see if anyone has mentioned any of them and then start calling for appointments. I told him that we are going to have to meet with a mediator, but I think he still doesn't believe I'm going to follow through.

Hey, with all sympathy and care, if you’re talking to your daughter about the separation, you’re already way behind in filing and making this official. She is not your confidante. She is a child who needs clear boundaries and a clear plan. Again, said with care because I understand how hard this is.

This is harsh. I'm not confiding anything with her to be my "confidante." If you mean "confidante" in the sense that no one else knows, my sibling knows and my mom sort of knows.  I'm already dealing with her regularly observing 3 couples who don't treat each other the way we expect a "respectful and loving couple" to look in American society - both sets of her grandparents and then her own parents. There is a lot of generational trauma between him and me because of the way her grandparents all behaved when we were kids and even after we were married and had our own kids. I'm trying to not let the trauma move forward to her and DS. I'm bringing up the idea that our family is going to look different. 

Do you have a constructive suggestion of what to say to her otherwise? Like how does the news get delivered to the kids?

I wish I could just march over to the lawyer, pick a date, and have him served. But that route isn't the most ideal if we can instead come to an agreement about assets in mediation first. 

[katieb4tom]

Jun 18, 2024 18:23:49 GMT -5 sent said:

Jun 18, 2024 17:55:55 GMT -5 katieb4tom said:

Hey, with all sympathy and care, if you’re talking to your daughter about the separation, you’re already way behind in filing and making this official. She is not your confidante. She is a child who needs clear boundaries and a clear plan. Again, said with care because I understand how hard this is.

This is harsh. I'm not confiding anything with her to be my "confidante." If you mean "confidante" in the sense that no one else knows, my sibling knows and my mom sort of knows.  I'm already dealing with her regularly observing 3 couples who don't treat each other the way we expect a "respectful and loving couple" to look in American society - both sets of her grandparents and then her own parents. There is a lot of generational trauma between him and me because of the way her grandparents all behaved when we were kids and even after we were married and had our own kids. I'm trying to not let the trauma move forward to her and DS. I'm bringing up the idea that our family is going to look different. 

Do you have a constructive suggestion of what to say to her otherwise? Like how does the news get delivered to the kids?

I wish I could just march over to the lawyer, pick a date, and have him served. But that route isn't the most ideal if we can instead come to an agreement about assets in mediation first. 

I have no desire to be harsh, it’s a hard situation all around. I just meant any mention of change to the kids about their living situation should ideally happen after the steps have been taken. Hints to change are not beneficial. I am sorry that I added anything more to what you are dealing with.

[sent]

Jun 18, 2024 18:30:25 GMT -5 katieb4tom said:

Jun 18, 2024 18:23:49 GMT -5 sent said:

This is harsh. I'm not confiding anything with her to be my "confidante." If you mean "confidante" in the sense that no one else knows, my sibling knows and my mom sort of knows.  I'm already dealing with her regularly observing 3 couples who don't treat each other the way we expect a "respectful and loving couple" to look in American society - both sets of her grandparents and then her own parents. There is a lot of generational trauma between him and me because of the way her grandparents all behaved when we were kids and even after we were married and had our own kids. I'm trying to not let the trauma move forward to her and DS. I'm bringing up the idea that our family is going to look different. 

Do you have a constructive suggestion of what to say to her otherwise? Like how does the news get delivered to the kids?

I wish I could just march over to the lawyer, pick a date, and have him served. But that route isn't the most ideal if we can instead come to an agreement about assets in mediation first. 

I have no desire to be harsh, it’s a hard situation all around. I just meant any mention of change to the kids about their living situation should ideally happen after the steps have been taken. Hints to change are not beneficial. I am sorry that I added anything more to what you are dealing with.

Thank you. OK, I understand what you mean by "hints" and can change my approach to what I say. 

I finally got over the hump this year to interview and pick a lawyer thinking I'd be that much closer to the finish line. And then I learned that I need to go through the basically the whole process again to pick another professional in my situation. At least I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did when all I would think about was "I need a lawyer" for years.

[wanderingback]

Jun 18, 2024 18:37:01 GMT -5 sent said:

Jun 18, 2024 18:30:25 GMT -5 katieb4tom said:

I have no desire to be harsh, it’s a hard situation all around. I just meant any mention of change to the kids about their living situation should ideally happen after the steps have been taken. Hints to change are not beneficial. I am sorry that I added anything more to what you are dealing with.

Thank you. OK, I understand what you mean by "hints" and can change my approach to what I say. 

I finally got over the hump this year to interview and pick a lawyer thinking I'd be that much closer to the finish line. And then I learned that I need to go through the basically the whole process again to pick another professional in my situation. At least I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did when all I would think about was "I need a lawyer" for years.

I don’t remember exactly how old your kids are but it’s best to be direct and specific with kids. Kids have imaginations so if you’re not direct and specific with them that can be very confusing. So best practice is to have a plan and then tell the kids "I love you. On x date or in 1 month mom and dad won’t be living together anymore. You’ll spend 1 week with him and 1 week with me. You’ll go to a new school or same school. I know it might not be easy but it’s best for our family. Do you have any questions? It’s ok to have any feelings or ask questions at anytime."

[livinitup]

sent You sound like you are in a lot of pain and that you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself. I know that you know this, you’ve spoke often about the pressure placed on you from your family and yourself. I just want to let you know that one of the paths you may choose is not to get divorced. Or not to get divorced this year. Or not next year. Or maybe you will. Besides navigating this for yourself, you seem to be placing this insurmountable responsibility of navigating it for your children and both sides of your parents, too. Yes, as a mom we all feel a normal pressure to navigate our own lives for the good examples for our children but you seem to be suffocating yourself with the pressure of doing right by the generation before you after you - and do it all correctly, in the most correct way and mostly now. And pick the right lawyer or mediator. Get him to agree and not be awful. Or your parents not be awful.

Maybe instead, you can see a small path forward and then re-assess. Divorce does seem like a runaway cart at the beginning, so you have to “be really sure” and “do it the right way” and convince everyone who is going to freak out. And be strong. And and … well, that’s just too much. Or at least it sounds like it is too much for me.

The thing is, maybe even starting will be messy. And how you end looks very different than how you started. And that’s okay. But this tight, tense, strangled state you’ve been in deserves a change. Even a little one.

Or don’t make a change because deep down you don’t want to (for reasons). All I’m saying is to give yourself a break. A little one. Because you are doing really well at so much, especially at loving your kids and parents. It shows.

(Also, feel free to ignore me.)

[Aloe Vera]

sent you need to start the process ASAP. You will feel a huge relief, seriously. You've been living in limbo and this is like everyday torture for yourself and your kids who know something is going on. Everything will be fine. Sure, things won't magically become better overnight but at least, things will be moving towards your goal of living a happy life.

[campermom]

sent, Adding to Aloe Vera do not feel like you need to take a full mental load of researching and cross checking the mediators. A mediator has one job-to get two parties to agree to terms, whether they are fair or unfair. It’s your lawyers job to help you when you bring those ideas for negotiations back, to give input if they are good moves or not.

I think the idea of the research on getting the “right” ones is taking away from your energy/adding to your stress. And I get that. But having been through 3 different mediators I can tell you-they don’t actually have any power. It’s all what you agree to.

Sending you all the positive thoughts.

[sometimesrunner]

sent, you can do this! I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that we are ALL behind you and are ready with encouragement, ideas, and support when needed.

[FrankieM20]

You got this, Sent!!! Just keep moving forward even if they are teeny tiny steps. You can do this.

[amandakisser]

In the end, the lawyer you choose isn't going to make or break the process - you're getting divorced and you are paying them to take care of it for you. This is the hardest part. Just choose a lawyer you feel comfortable with, and don't worry about doing too much research.

One thing my lawyer told me is, though they save money, mediators are only helpful if you and your soon-to-be-ex are amicable. If you're hostile or your spouse isn't rational, then don't even bother with a mediator because it could potentially prolong the process and cost you more money in the end anyway. So I would just focus on choosing the lawyer and getting the paperwork done, and think about those other things as they come up.

Once you file, there's still a LOT of time and work that goes into it, so what I did was just focus on the next step. So for you, it's deciding on a lawyer, paying the retainer (they're all similar so don't focus on how much you're paying) and work on the divorce petition. Worry about next steps as they come up. This is survival mode right now, and I PROMISE you, once you actually file those papers you will feel the weight of 1000 men being lifted off your shoulders.

[stinkyfeet]

Jun 20, 2024 8:19:35 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

In the end, the lawyer you choose isn't going to make or break the process - you're getting divorced and you are paying them to take care of it for you. This is the hardest part. Just choose a lawyer you feel comfortable with, and don't worry about doing too much research.

One thing my lawyer told me is, though they save money, mediators are only helpful if you and your soon-to-be-ex are amicable. If you're hostile or your spouse isn't rational, then don't even bother with a mediator because it could potentially prolong the process and cost you more money in the end anyway. So I would just focus on choosing the lawyer and getting the paperwork done, and think about those other things as they come up.

Once you file, there's still a LOT of time and work that goes into it, so what I did was just focus on the next step. So for you, it's deciding on a lawyer, paying the retainer (they're all similar so don't focus on how much you're paying) and work on the divorce petition. Worry about next steps as they come up. This is survival mode right now, and I PROMISE you, once you actually file those papers you will feel the weight of 1000 men being lifted off your shoulders.

This is exactly what my neighbor who tried mediation said.

[Roc A Bee]

Is meeting with a mediator required? It is in CA only for child custody disputes and then it’s court appointed.

I would skip right over that step and retain a lawyer and file.

Don’t expect an unreasonable person to become reasonable during a divorce proceeding. They won’t. So I would skip over a mediator.

[FrankieM20]

Let me just preface this by saying I have a therapist, I’ve retained a lawyer, and am working with all the appropriate professionals to try and handle this as best I can for the kids and myself.

I am struggling with almost feeling like I am cheating on MH by planning this separation while still going through the motions at home. His birthday is coming up and so is our planned family vacation. I hate lying and it feels so deceptive. It doesn’t help that he’s been in a good mood lately and being the person I wish he was all the time. I am working on a plan with my team and hoping I can get the telling him part over soon so I can move on to the next sucky stage where I’ll still feel horrible but for a different reason. I hate not knowing what to expect or how he will act. This will totally blindside him and I am terrified of the aftermath. I’ve tried kinda hinting at it with him but he is def. Experiencing a totally different relationship than I am and is pretty happy. It makes me feel like maybe I am the toxic one? Or maybe it’s all in my head?

I’m thinking of all you ladies!! You were in my thoughts over Father’s Day. Thanks for listening.

[jobae1234]

Jun 21, 2024 10:34:05 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

Let me just preface this by saying I have a therapist, I’ve retained a lawyer, and am working with all the appropriate professionals to try and handle this as best I can for the kids and myself.

I am struggling with almost feeling like I am cheating on MH by planning this separation while still going through the motions at home. His birthday is coming up and so is our planned family vacation. I hate lying and it feels so deceptive. It doesn’t help that he’s been in a good mood lately and being the person I wish he was all the time. I am working on a plan with my team and hoping I can get the telling him part over soon so I can move on to the next sucky stage where I’ll still feel horrible but for a different reason. I hate not knowing what to expect or how he will act. This will totally blindside him and I am terrified of the aftermath. I’ve tried kinda hinting at it with him but he is def. Experiencing a totally different relationship than I am and is pretty happy. It makes me feel like maybe I am the toxic one? Or maybe it’s all in my head?

I’m thinking of all you ladies!! You were in my thoughts over Father’s Day. Thanks for listening.

Is he happy because you’ve stopped arguing with him or asking anything of him? Like you’ve given up on fixing things and now it’s pleasant?

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jun 21, 2024 11:02:08 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

Jun 21, 2024 10:34:05 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

Let me just preface this by saying I have a therapist, I’ve retained a lawyer, and am working with all the appropriate professionals to try and handle this as best I can for the kids and myself.

I am struggling with almost feeling like I am cheating on MH by planning this separation while still going through the motions at home. His birthday is coming up and so is our planned family vacation. I hate lying and it feels so deceptive. It doesn’t help that he’s been in a good mood lately and being the person I wish he was all the time. I am working on a plan with my team and hoping I can get the telling him part over soon so I can move on to the next sucky stage where I’ll still feel horrible but for a different reason. I hate not knowing what to expect or how he will act. This will totally blindside him and I am terrified of the aftermath. I’ve tried kinda hinting at it with him but he is def. Experiencing a totally different relationship than I am and is pretty happy. It makes me feel like maybe I am the toxic one? Or maybe it’s all in my head?

I’m thinking of all you ladies!! You were in my thoughts over Father’s Day. Thanks for listening.

Is he happy because you’ve stopped arguing with him or asking anything of him? Like you’ve given up on fixing things and now it’s pleasant?

This!  The first time I separated from my now xh, he became the man I always wanted to him to be so I made the decision to reconcile. WORST DECISION EVER! I came back and it was as a switch flipped - he went right back to being all of the reasons why I left. We divorced 2y later. I simply told him we were getting a divorce, no room for discussion. 

[FrankieM20]

I didn’t consider that! And maybe that is why. I’m not trying to make myself heard as much and just keeping my head down so to speak.

[sent]

Thank you everyone for your support.

I wished for 14 years that he would wake up and be the kind of spouse I know he can be and not the gross version of himself he brings home. I am also hit with the mixed feelings when he is normal but I'm tired of the times when he decides to be gross and blindsides me. Like this whole school year has been really stressful at work, mentally and physically. It's been so hard to cope and I feel like I have no one I can share my feelings of struggle with because he is very much "I don't care" around me. A few weeks ago, I broke down and asked him to please handle ALL the kid stuff for the next few weekends so I could have some true, uninterrupted time and attention to catch up at work. In my head, I pictured a spouse who supports me in my career. In real life, I was met with put downs and told that I was a "cop out" because I was abandoning my family on the weekends. Yet all of this week, it's been "what else do you need me to do?" like a normal person. I keep on referencing back to "Remember when I asked for help and you called me a cop out? There's really nothing else you can do for me anymore. You made it clear you don't respect me."

For those asking why not just file and skip the mediation, I can't get into specifics. Our disagreements have always been over words and feelings and battles over emotional and verbal abuse. There wasn't as much dispute over finances. Someone on another thread described it as "splitting an egg." The law says when it comes to the financial stuff, we have to hardboil the egg and slice it in half lengthwise. I'd like to go through mediation where we can agree ahead of time that we split the egg where one of us gets the white part (me because I hate the yellow) and the other person gets the yellow (him because he doesn't care). I realize I may end up wasting my money if he gets aggressive and refuses to comply, but I will know that I at least tried. 

[campermom]

It makes sense to me sent. While my 4 mediation sessions for divorce were painful and awful, I got a lot accomplished. Especially bc he didn’t get a lawyer. I had one strategize and look over the agreement and make revisions after the sessions.

His priorities were vastly different than mine.
Plus courts mandate mediation before a contested trial anyway.

[stinkyfeet]

Jun 21, 2024 12:56:42 GMT -5 sent said:

Thank you everyone for your support.

I wished for 14 years that he would wake up and be the kind of spouse I know he can be and not the gross version of himself he brings home. I am also hit with the mixed feelings when he is normal but I'm tired of the times when he decides to be gross and blindsides me. Like this whole school year has been really stressful at work, mentally and physically. It's been so hard to cope and I feel like I have no one I can share my feelings of struggle with because he is very much "I don't care" around me. A few weeks ago, I broke down and asked him to please handle ALL the kid stuff for the next few weekends so I could have some true, uninterrupted time and attention to catch up at work. In my head, I pictured a spouse who supports me in my career. In real life, I was met with put downs and told that I was a "cop out" because I was abandoning my family on the weekends. Yet all of this week, it's been "what else do you need me to do?" like a normal person. I keep on referencing back to "Remember when I asked for help and you called me a cop out? There's really nothing else you can do for me anymore. You made it clear you don't respect me."

For those asking why not just file and skip the mediation, I can't get into specifics. Our disagreements have always been over words and feelings and battles over emotional and verbal abuse. There wasn't as much dispute over finances. Someone on another thread described it as "splitting an egg." The law says when it comes to the financial stuff, we have to hardboil the egg and slice it in half lengthwise. I'd like to go through mediation where we can agree ahead of time that we split the egg where one of us gets the white part (me because I hate the yellow) and the other person gets the yellow (him because he doesn't care). I realize I may end up wasting my money if he gets aggressive and refuses to comply, but I will know that I at least tried. 

Wishing you the best possible outcome

[FrankieM20]

Hi all, I wanted to share this amazing resource for anyone who might be interested.

It’s called Aimee Says and it’s a ChatGPT designed for domestic violence support.
www.aimeesays.com/en/home

I’ve been playing around with it all day and I am loving it. You can ask it how to set boundaries, help make a safety plan, ask if x, y, z is abuse. You can also copy and paste texts or emails and it can tell you if manipulation tactics are detected. You can ask for a list of questions to ask your lawyer. All sorts of stuff.

It’s free but there is a paid version too. Hope this is helpful to others as well.

[kmpls]

Sometimes I feel sad about the separation. Even convince myself that I am the bad guy in all this, that I should make an effort.
Today I made the mistake of calling him when something in the house wasn’t working. He told me how to fix it but was super rude to me and seemed angry I called. Guess I won’t do that again.and a good reminder of who he really is and to stop beating myself up.
Also I let it hurt my feelings which is ridiculous.
And he still hasn’t moved out. He has a place and is gone all day but is making excuses to be here in the evenings. Makes no sense and is confusing for everyone.
I need to find a therapist.

[ax2]

Jul 9, 2024 14:38:43 GMT -5 kmpls said:

Sometimes I feel sad about the separation. Even convince myself that I am the bad guy in all this, that I should make an effort.
Today I made the mistake of calling him when something in the house wasn’t working. He told me how to fix it but was super rude to me and seemed angry I called. Guess I won’t do that again.and a good reminder of who he really is and to stop beating myself up.
Also I let it hurt my feelings which is ridiculous.
And he still hasn’t moved out. He has a place and is gone all day but is making excuses to be here in the evenings. Makes no sense and is confusing for everyone.
I need to find a therapist.

My exh dragged his feet in getting out after he got his own place too. Finally one day he took every last thing of his when the kids and I weren’t home and didn’t hang out out my place for a couple months, even with the kids. That cutoff hurt like crazy, but it was the absolute best thing for helping us both move on. It’s still sad, but everyday the new normal feels easier. Thinking of you.

[starburst604]

kmpls excuse my laziness in not looking back at your posts in asking the following questions. Have you filed for divorce yet and do you have attorneys? Can SOMEONE make him GTFO?!

[mcmel]

I filed 3 weeks ago and plan on filing the decree next Monday.

He moved out weekend before last. My heart has been shattered but it’s the right thing to do.

[starburst604]

mcmel hugs to you. This part is really, really hard, even if it’s the right thing.

[kmpls]

Jul 9, 2024 18:22:03 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

kmpls excuse my laziness in not looking back at your posts in asking the following questions. Have you filed for divorce yet and do you have attorneys? Can SOMEONE make him GTFO?!

Not yet. I think there is part of me who wants or thinks we will still work it out which is why I need to see a therapist. Him not leaving after he said he would is upsetting and confusing me. I feel like it’s hard to move on and it’s screwing up my determination to move on.

[FrankieM20]

Jul 9, 2024 19:05:26 GMT -5 mcmel said:

I filed 3 weeks ago and plan on filing the decree next Monday.

He moved out weekend before last. My heart has been shattered but it’s the right thing to do.

So many hugs for you!! You are incredibly brave and doing the right thing. I’m so sorry that it sucks.