A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[FrankieM20]

Jul 9, 2024 23:27:13 GMT -5 kmpls said:

Jul 9, 2024 18:22:03 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

kmpls excuse my laziness in not looking back at your posts in asking the following questions. Have you filed for divorce yet and do you have attorneys? Can SOMEONE make him GTFO?!

Not yet. I think there is part of me who wants or thinks we will still work it out which is why I need to see a therapist. Him not leaving after he said he would is upsetting and confusing me. I feel like it’s hard to move on and it’s screwing up my determination to move on.

I totally get that feeling of “maybe things will magically get better”. I think I feel it 20 times a day. I hope he moves out soon so you can start moving forward.

[trytobearunner34]

Jul 10, 2024 8:06:31 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

Jul 9, 2024 23:27:13 GMT -5 kmpls said:

Not yet. I think there is part of me who wants or thinks we will still work it out which is why I need to see a therapist. Him not leaving after he said he would is upsetting and confusing me. I feel like it’s hard to move on and it’s screwing up my determination to move on.

I totally get that feeling of “maybe things will magically get better”. I think I feel it 20 times a day. I hope he moves out soon so you can start moving forward.

This was 💯 me. The “magical moments” in my life actually happened for me after we separated by way of peace, contentment and getting back to who I am and how I want to live my life.

We share 50/50 custody so I still see him almost everyday and we still do things together with our daughter. Best I can tell his life is exactly the same. So it truly was a be the change you want to see opportunity for me. (((Hugs))) as you very much are in the thick of it!

[trytobearunner34]

mcmel (((Hugs))) as you trudge through these dark days. There is a light so as Dory says just.keep.swimming.

[lavenderblue]

mcmel and FrankieM20 I totally get that feeling. I filed for Divorce in October '22 and my exH didn't move out until October '23, so I was in that limbo for a long time. Once he moved out, my life immediately got better and has continued to get better since. I am truly happier now that I ever thought possible. I truly help that you are able to get to that point as well.

[blondemoment123]

I was checking in for a doctors appointment and changed my emergency contact from STBXH to my mom. What a weird feeling.

Also, what do I call him in casual conversation? Husband? Ex-husband? Dude I married 13 years ago? 😂

[trytobearunner34]

Jul 11, 2024 17:10:36 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Also, what do I call him in casual conversation? Husband? Ex-husband? Dude I married 13 years ago? 😂

LOL this one trips me up too! 


We have been separated since January, but live in a state that requires a one year physical separation before filing for divorce. I even hesitate to use STBXH because January 2025 does not feel very soon:/. 


If it makes sense I refer to him as (my daughter's) dad, but this doesn't always work sooo then I fumble around with words.  I totally think I'm going to start using dude I married 15 years ago!

[deadwing]

If you aren't sure or comfortable with a new label yet, can you just refer to hi by first name? Or, just start getting comfortable with ex. Even if it isn't 100% legally true, it's an accurate description of your personal relationship to each other. In casual conversation, the technicalities shouldn't matter.

[blondemoment123]

Jul 11, 2024 17:18:31 GMT -5 trytobearunner34 said:

Jul 11, 2024 17:10:36 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Also, what do I call him in casual conversation? Husband? Ex-husband? Dude I married 13 years ago? 😂

LOL this one trips me up too! 


We have been separated since January, but live in a state that requires a one year physical separation before filing for divorce. I even hesitate to use STBXH because January 2025 does not feel very soon:/. 


If it makes sense I refer to him as (my daughter's) dad, but this doesn't always work sooo then I fumble around with words.  I totally think I'm going to start using dude I married 15 years ago!

Same, February will be 1 year. SC law makes no sense!

[pinkdutchtulips]

When we were separated and before I filed he was simply ‘first name’ or Miss R’s dad.

11y since we separated, 6y since we’ve been formally divorced, and 2y since his passing …. He’s still simply ‘first name’

[blondemoment123]

Jul 11, 2024 17:39:28 GMT -5 deadwing said:

If you aren't sure or comfortable with a new label yet, can you just refer to hi by first name? Or, just start getting comfortable with ex. Even if it isn't 100% legally true, it's an accurate description of your personal relationship to each other. In casual conversation, the technicalities shouldn't matter.

True. I found myself stumbling over words today speaking with a new CW, who obviously doesn't need to know my life story.

[campermom]

What do you think the one year separation law is all about? Because the only thing that does that I can think of is hold women who stay at home in a marriage longer bc it financially traps them. It reminds me of the push to ban no fault divorce. It’s an archaic mechanism similar to when women weren’t allowed to open their own bank accounts or credit cards without their husbands approval. Wasn’t that just only in the 70s?

[livinitup]

campermom The rise of banking (globally) is really interesting. Centuries ago (really thousands of years ago) it was established out of surplus of grain and the merchant class. Without grain surplus and the merchant middle class, there would be no conceptualization of money and the trade of coin. Anyway, it’s an interesting deep dive. US banking is also extremely interesting - thank you Alexander Hamilton - establish nationally after the revolutionary war (to collect taxes and pay back debt) on the blueprint of the Bank of England. It was designed to fail (in many ways) and mimics the social and political tensions of the time of states rights (states were establishing banks) and federal rights. There is a lot to unpack. Access to banking is critical for a society. And critical to the people in that society for access from basic needs to wealth creation - it truly enslaves individuals without access and frees those with access. And yes, marginalized groups, including women were excluded until the laws required access - thank you 1968 Civil Rights.

[cville]

Jul 12, 2024 6:51:01 GMT -5 campermom said:

What do you think the one year separation law is all about? Because the only thing that does that I can think of is hold women who stay at home in a marriage longer bc it financially traps them. It reminds me of the push to ban no fault divorce. It’s an archaic mechanism similar to when women weren’t allowed to open their own bank accounts or credit cards without their husbands approval. Wasn’t that just only in the 70s?

Actually about:
controlling women

Justification espoused for laws:
stability for children and society
Jesus
Time to sort out matters before finality

[starburst604]

Jul 11, 2024 17:10:36 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I was checking in for a doctors appointment and changed my emergency contact from STBXH to my mom. What a weird feeling.

Also, what do I call him in casual conversation? Husband? Ex-husband? Dude I married 13 years ago? 😂

STBX texted me yesterday because he was at an appointment with a new doctor, he told me he's leaving me as his emergency contact since we live close together and I'm his daughter's mother. I was like okkkkk but I'm gonna tell them you have a DNR! Kidding, sort of. I am also in that weird space of not knowing what to call him right now and I haven't really had to say it around someone who doesn't know what's up yet. I think I'll just go with ex or ex husband. When we are at sports stuff with DD I've introduced him as "L's dad". 

[TR]

Jul 12, 2024 8:26:37 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Jul 11, 2024 17:10:36 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I was checking in for a doctors appointment and changed my emergency contact from STBXH to my mom. What a weird feeling.

Also, what do I call him in casual conversation? Husband? Ex-husband? Dude I married 13 years ago? 😂

STBX texted me yesterday because he was at an appointment with a new doctor, he told me he's leaving me as his emergency contact since we live close together and I'm his daughter's mother. I was like okkkkk but I'm gonna tell them you have a DNR! Kidding, sort of. I am also in that weird space of not knowing what to call him right now and I haven't really had to say it around someone who doesn't know what's up yet. I think I'll just go with ex or ex husband. When we are at sports stuff with DD I've introduced him as "L's dad". 

You have every right to say, "I will not be your emergency contact anymore, choose someone else." if you want to. He is no longer your responsibility.

[starburst604]

Jul 12, 2024 9:46:19 GMT -5 TR said:

Jul 12, 2024 8:26:37 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

STBX texted me yesterday because he was at an appointment with a new doctor, he told me he's leaving me as his emergency contact since we live close together and I'm his daughter's mother. I was like okkkkk but I'm gonna tell them you have a DNR! Kidding, sort of. I am also in that weird space of not knowing what to call him right now and I haven't really had to say it around someone who doesn't know what's up yet. I think I'll just go with ex or ex husband. When we are at sports stuff with DD I've introduced him as "L's dad". 

You have every right to say, "I will not be your emergency contact anymore, choose someone else." if you want to. He is no longer your responsibility.

It's fine, I don't really care. If I actually ever did get a call and I didn't want to deal with it, I'd just pass it off to his sister. 

[deadwing]

I have to say, one of the uncomfortable parts of being a divorced person with no siblings or cousins is I still have to use my parents as emergency contacts. Someday I will have to ask a close friend if they are willing to do it.

[livinitup]

Jul 12, 2024 8:26:37 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Jul 11, 2024 17:10:36 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I was checking in for a doctors appointment and changed my emergency contact from STBXH to my mom. What a weird feeling.

Also, what do I call him in casual conversation? Husband? Ex-husband? Dude I married 13 years ago? 😂

STBX texted me yesterday because he was at an appointment with a new doctor, he told me he's leaving me as his emergency contact since we live close together and I'm his daughter's mother. I was like okkkkk but I'm gonna tell them you have a DNR! Kidding, sort of. I am also in that weird space of not knowing what to call him right now and I haven't really had to say it around someone who doesn't know what's up yet. I think I'll just go with ex or ex husband. When we are at sports stuff with DD I've introduced him as "L's dad". 

I know you said “it’s fine & I don’t care” but it might be helpful to point out that he didn’t ask you. He told you. And then he told you the reasons why HE decided and presumably why you are not allowed to say no. But again, he didn’t ask, so there was no room to say no. Or feel differently.

If it’s fine to you, then it’s fine. It just strikes me as his MO, and if so, it will be his MO on issues that you disagree when it does matter.

[starburst604]

Jul 12, 2024 10:23:51 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Jul 12, 2024 8:26:37 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

STBX texted me yesterday because he was at an appointment with a new doctor, he told me he's leaving me as his emergency contact since we live close together and I'm his daughter's mother. I was like okkkkk but I'm gonna tell them you have a DNR! Kidding, sort of. I am also in that weird space of not knowing what to call him right now and I haven't really had to say it around someone who doesn't know what's up yet. I think I'll just go with ex or ex husband. When we are at sports stuff with DD I've introduced him as "L's dad". 

I know you said “it’s fine & I don’t care” but it might be helpful to point out that he didn’t ask you. He told you. And then he told you the reasons why HE decided and presumably why you are not allowed to say no. But again, he didn’t ask, so there was no room to say no. Or feel differently.

If it’s fine to you, then it’s fine. It just strikes me as his MO, and if so, it will be his MO on issues that you disagree when it does matter.

Oh it's totally his MO. Sometimes I push back and other times I pick my battles. I did just look back at the text and after saying he was going to leave me on as the contact and why, it said "ok?". So at least there was some semblance of a request lol. He said I can leave him as mine too - NO THANKS. I guess until we are legally divorced he'd be the one making medical decisions for me if I was unable to, but he's not who I'd want showing up for me first in an emergency.

[rupertpenny]

Re emergency contact: I still have my ex listed as mine, and he probably still lists me as his. Neither of us has local family, and we share children whichever parent was not having an emergency would need to know so they could take care of the kids. I don't really know what my other options are. I could list my mom, but she's 1500 miles away. Is an emergency contact making life and death decisions?

[macmars45]

Jul 12, 2024 10:46:08 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Re emergency contact: I still have my ex listed as mine, and he probably still lists me as his. Neither of us has local family, and we share children whichever parent was not having an emergency would need to know so they could take care of the kids. I don't really know what my other options are. I could list my mom, but she's 1500 miles away. Is an emergency contact making life and death decisions?

When I lived 2.5 hours away from family and H worked 1+ hours commute away from home I used my BFF who was also a SAHM and lived 10 minutes from me. I knew she'd be able to call H and watch my DS in an emergency.

[blondemoment123]

I'm having feelings I just want to get out somewhere. I've struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember. Of course my STBXH knows this. He never was all that supportive, but was never unkind about it...until yesterday.

He was picking up DS from my mom and made a comment that I'm "too unstable" since I take meds to help with my mental health. I'm just hurt. And scared. And lots of other things.

[marie]

I am sorry that you are going through this and that he said that. Feel good that you are doing what you have to take care of yourself. He sounds like as asshat.

[trytobearunner34]

@blondmoment123 (((hugs))) He is wrong. He is evidencing the immature behavior that demonstrated he was no longer a suitable partner. Easier said than done, but try not to spend time down the rabbit hole of “what does this mean?”, “is he going to do something ?”. Try your best to live in what is rather than what if. The what is is he is an asshole and you made the right choice for parting ways as a couple.

[expatjen]

blondemoment123, Iʻm sorry you had to experience that. My XH told people that I was depressed and too homesick to deal with life during and soon after our divorce, but he was just deflecting the role his infidelities played in our divorce. It was pretty pathetic.

Please be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you are not wrong or a "bad person" for wanting peace in your life and for your kid.

[livinitup]

blondemoment123 Next time, tell your STBX to shut up or you’ll tell everyone he has a small dick. Everyone.

Everyone takes medication for mental health, asshole.

[raleighnc]

Jul 12, 2024 10:46:08 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Re emergency contact: I still have my ex listed as mine, and he probably still lists me as his. Neither of us has local family, and we share children whichever parent was not having an emergency would need to know so they could take care of the kids. I don't really know what my other options are. I could list my mom, but she's 1500 miles away. Is an emergency contact making life and death decisions?

The emergency contact is just the first call they make before asking the police to track down family to notify them. No one is going to be making life or death decisions based on an emergency contact form. My H sucks at hearing his phone, so I always put down my BFF as an alternate contact because at least she can start trying to contact him and go get the kids if necessary.

[wanderingback]

Jul 12, 2024 10:46:08 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Re emergency contact: I still have my ex listed as mine, and he probably still lists me as his. Neither of us has local family, and we share children whichever parent was not having an emergency would need to know so they could take care of the kids. I don't really know what my other options are. I could list my mom, but she's 1500 miles away. Is an emergency contact making life and death decisions?

No an emergency contact at work, your doctor’s office, etc is not a legal document or making health decisions. It’s someone to call if they can’t get in touch with you (like if you miss work and no one has been able to contact you or go unresponsive at work).

I always list my mom as my emergency contact and she doesn’t live locally. My partner often travels for work and also sucks at picking up numbers he doesn’t know and/or listening to voicemail, so I always list my mom.

The only time we had to list a local emergency contact was for daycare so that they would have someone to call to pick up our daughter if we weren’t able to do so.

[starburst604]

blondemoment123 seriously, fuck that guy. Taking your meds is taking care of yourself and your stability. I can't believe he said that to your mom. I hope she kicked him in the nuts.

[somersault72]

blondemoment123, I couldn't mean this more when I say fuuuuck him. You're being an adult and he's being a shitpig. I think he's most likely concerned you have your shit way more together than he does (because you probably do). Huge hugs.