A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[somersault72]

My divorce was 13 years ago. And there's been little to no drama...until now. DS (16, rising junior) has had a rough year. He's had some depression issues. School has started to become hard for him (which he's in all honors/AP classes so I'm not surprised), and he butts heads with my husband. At the end of May he started staying with his dad and stepmom, which is fine. He usually barely sees them due to all the activities he's been in and his dad being lazy. His dad (and SM) are teachers so they are off for the summer. His dad lives about 30 minutes away But I guess now he plans on living with them and going to his dad and stepmom's online school. Online school is a fine option for some kids, but I don't think it is the best for mine, who loves band, choir, theater, and to a lesser extent sports. Not to mention, he's a social kid and this will keep him isolated. SM went to the online school (she was actually a student, while my ex was a teacher there but that's a story for another day), so she doesn't know any different and my ex is emotionally stunted. So I don't trust either of them to keep an eye on his mental and emotional wellbeing. And the SM says dumb things like "college is overrated" even though she USES HER COLLEGE DEGREE FOR HER JOB. If you're telling my kid college is overrated, and letting him sit and rot at your house with no responsibilities and telling him college is overrated, then you need to be coming up with a plan for a kid who is not into any kind of manual labor and takes all honors classes (which he chose to do on his own, I didn't tell him to sign up for those). Selfishly of course I want my kid to live with me, but more than that, I really don't think online school is a good choice for him at all, especially for his depression. I've been a wreck this summer.

I will say after DS left, DH and I started seeing a counselor to talk about parenting, since we don't always parent the same (we also have a 6 year old together). That has been the only good thing to come out of this. I just wish I would have done it sooner.

[starburst604]

somersault72 ugh I would NOT be happy about that either! Have you talked with your son about your concerns?

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Jul 13, 2024 17:04:32 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm having feelings I just want to get out somewhere. I've struggled with mental health for as long as I can remember. Of course my STBXH knows this. He never was all that supportive, but was never unkind about it...until yesterday.

He was picking up DS from my mom and made a comment that I'm "too unstable" since I take meds to help with my mental health. I'm just hurt. And scared. And lots of other things.

This motherfucker....

[Roc A Bee]

Jul 15, 2024 10:50:06 GMT -5 somersault72 said:

My divorce was 13 years ago. And there's been little to no drama...until now.

I for sure wouldn’t give up any custody. If he’s in online school, why can’t he go back and forth?
But yeah I wouldn’t love the idea of online school at all. Have you told him your concerns?

[starburst604]

Last night, STBX texted me that he wants us to work things out, to put a halt on the divorce and do therapy for the next 10 months that he has left in his apartment lease and hopefully get back together. He is going to quit drinking, do therapy and is going to ASTOUND me with the man he will become! We owe it to DD and ourselves to try and make it work!!

THIS. FUCKING. GUY

I replied that while I could say a lot of things, all I was going to say is that there is zero chance of reconciliation and that if he wants to better himself, he should do that for himself and for DD, but it won't change my mind about anything. He then called me and I repeated it by phone. Then he started texting me his narcissist abuse bullshit asking me to please be affectionate and loving to DD even though I couldn't with him, and went on to instruct me on how to cheer for her in her sports games and tell her that I'm proud of her. I told him if he texted me one more thing like that, I'm blocking him. Then this morning he texted "How about a conjugal visit lol". Today my attorney told me he now is not willing to give me the percentage in support from his side gig that he had previously agreed to. She recommends not backing off from that and telling him we'll leave it up to the court, which will draw out our divorce longer and cost us more. But I'm not backing down on this. Narcissists just keep on narc-ing, don't they?

He hates that I'm so much happier with out him, and I AM. I feel like a new person. I feel joy every day now and even his bullshit doesn't put a damper on it. I didn't know that I was sleepwalking through life the last few years. I dreaded coming home every day and thought it was just because adulting sucks, but it was because he was sucking the life out of me, because I have all the same responsibilities that I had before minus one big one - HIM. I'm happy to come home every day. My only regret is not doing it sooner, but I try not to dwell in regret and be happy for the life I have ahead of me.

For those of you on the fence with about divorcing a piece of shit, I give it 5/5 stars. Would recommend.

[konapoppy]

Jul 17, 2024 13:30:21 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Then this morning he texted "How about a conjugal visit lol".

What the actual fuck

I am so glad you are done!!

[scm1011]

Is he fucking for real, starburst604?? I'm actually kind of embarrassed for him.
I'm so glad you're living your best life!!

[starburst604]

konapoppy I wish I could say I was even surprised by that text but I know who he is. Also, if he hasn't gotten laid since the gf broke up with him 2 months ago, he is in a place of sheer desperation now.

scm1011 I am embarrassed for him too. I actually started laughing when he was texting me that crap.

[lavenderblue]

Wish me luck. I filed for increased child support. My exH begged me to settle outside of the system because he didn't want his wages to be attached, so I had my attorney draft a new agreement. Apparently my exH thought that if he agreed to an increased support amount that he should get to no longer have to pay half of the medicals bills. Um, no. So now I have to go to a conference tomorrow to let the system decide how much I get. Spoiler alert - per the state calculators he's going to owe me more per month than I agreed to plus he'll actually be responsible for 60% of medical bills, not the 50% that was our previous agreement, so yeah. And also, he's going to owe me nearly $3k in back support that will be added to his wage garnishment that I was going to waive if he had signed the new agreement drafted by my attorney. I hate this man and usually when we do Zoom Court I put a post-it note over his face, but I think tomorrow I'm going to leave it off so I can see his face when he realizes that he is screwed.

[campermom]

starburst604 I’m proud of you for doing the work and recognizing the patterns, not backing down on the financial obligations he has to you bc if you give them an inch they take a mile. Used as a control mechanism, it’s Financial Abuse as Post Separation Abuse. They will only move the goalpost so you may as well get what you’re entitled to and not struggle as much. Good for you for recognizing hoovering and Darvo.

Before he edits those texts, use an app like MessagesExport to document them and I named them for each situation like “threats to pay less for medical” or whatever, for my lawyer.

My good friend just sat and reflected with me the different versions of me she watched. The worn down, shell of a human I was at the end, to the one who started to realize her self worth, to the one who is thriving and happy now.

[TR]

omg starburst604, how embarrassing for him. ESPECIALLY considering he started all of this! I still remember your first post where you were like "I think my marriage is over, wtf, I'm so sad" and how quickly it went from that to "wait a minute, that's actually a great idea, thanks!"

[blondemoment123]

starburst604 What the actual F dude?!

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Jul 17, 2024 13:30:21 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Last night, STBX texted me that he wants us to work things out, to put a halt on the divorce and do therapy for the next 10 months that he has left in his apartment lease and hopefully get back together. He is going to quit drinking, do therapy and is going to ASTOUND me with the man he will become! We owe it to DD and ourselves to try and make it work!!

THIS. FUCKING. GUY

I replied that while I could say a lot of things, all I was going to say is that there is zero chance of reconciliation and that if he wants to better himself, he should do that for himself and for DD, but it won't change my mind about anything. He then called me and I repeated it by phone. Then he started texting me his narcissist abuse bullshit asking me to please be affectionate and loving to DD even though I couldn't with him, and went on to instruct me on how to cheer for her in her sports games and tell her that I'm proud of her. I told him if he texted me one more thing like that, I'm blocking him. Then this morning he texted "How about a conjugal visit lol". Today my attorney told me he now is not willing to give me the percentage in support from his side gig that he had previously agreed to. She recommends not backing off from that and telling him we'll leave it up to the court, which will draw out our divorce longer and cost us more. But I'm not backing down on this. Narcissists just keep on narc-ing, don't they?

He hates that I'm so much happier with out him, and I AM. I feel like a new person. I feel joy every day now and even his bullshit doesn't put a damper on it. I didn't know that I was sleepwalking through life the last few years. I dreaded coming home every day and thought it was just because adulting sucks, but it was because he was sucking the life out of me, because I have all the same responsibilities that I had before minus one big one - HIM. I'm happy to come home every day. My only regret is not doing it sooner, but I try not to dwell in regret and be happy for the life I have ahead of me.

For those of you on the fence with about divorcing a piece of shit, I give it 5/5 stars. Would recommend.

.....I have never wanted to whoop the entire triflin' ass of somebody I have never met before so bad....

[starburst604]

Jul 17, 2024 18:07:07 GMT -5 Nugget T. Brain, The OG said:

Jul 17, 2024 13:30:21 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Last night, STBX texted me that he wants us to work things out, to put a halt on the divorce and do therapy for the next 10 months that he has left in his apartment lease and hopefully get back together. He is going to quit drinking, do therapy and is going to ASTOUND me with the man he will become! We owe it to DD and ourselves to try and make it work!!

THIS. FUCKING. GUY

I replied that while I could say a lot of things, all I was going to say is that there is zero chance of reconciliation and that if he wants to better himself, he should do that for himself and for DD, but it won't change my mind about anything. He then called me and I repeated it by phone. Then he started texting me his narcissist abuse bullshit asking me to please be affectionate and loving to DD even though I couldn't with him, and went on to instruct me on how to cheer for her in her sports games and tell her that I'm proud of her. I told him if he texted me one more thing like that, I'm blocking him. Then this morning he texted "How about a conjugal visit lol". Today my attorney told me he now is not willing to give me the percentage in support from his side gig that he had previously agreed to. She recommends not backing off from that and telling him we'll leave it up to the court, which will draw out our divorce longer and cost us more. But I'm not backing down on this. Narcissists just keep on narc-ing, don't they?

He hates that I'm so much happier with out him, and I AM. I feel like a new person. I feel joy every day now and even his bullshit doesn't put a damper on it. I didn't know that I was sleepwalking through life the last few years. I dreaded coming home every day and thought it was just because adulting sucks, but it was because he was sucking the life out of me, because I have all the same responsibilities that I had before minus one big one - HIM. I'm happy to come home every day. My only regret is not doing it sooner, but I try not to dwell in regret and be happy for the life I have ahead of me.

For those of you on the fence with about divorcing a piece of shit, I give it 5/5 stars. Would recommend.

.....I have never wanted to whoop the entire triflin' ass of somebody I have never met before so bad....

He has brought that out in a lot of people! 🤣

[katieb4tom]

Jul 17, 2024 16:41:10 GMT -5 TR said:

omg starburst604, how embarrassing for him. ESPECIALLY considering he started all of this! I still remember your first post where you were like "I think my marriage is over, wtf, I'm so sad" and how quickly it went from that to "wait a minute, that's actually a great idea, thanks!"

This is where I am at. The speed at which the blinders came off and her strength came through is amazing. It makes me think starburst604 is someone who will commit and see the best in people and a situation, but also retains her own strength and sense of worth when things go too far. It’s impressive and has been a master course to watch and learn from.

[starburst604]

katieb4tom TR it’s wild when I stop and think about how much my life has changed since late January. At no point when 2024 started was divorce on my bingo card and here I am in July., glad that it’s happening and ready to be done with it. it felt like he woke me up from some kind of stupor when we had the argument that prompted me to make that first post about us separating.

Last weekend I caught up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while and filled her in on everything, she kind of only knew the basics. She said that I am a person who makes my mind up about something major and there’s just no going back and he grossly underestimated who I really am. In her words, “Bitch, you’re a fucking Sagittarius!!” Another friend I haven’t seen since high school messaged me on Facebook when she realized what was going on, and she is going through the same thing. I was giving her some details about the things he’s done and how resolved I am to move on. She said you were always so strong but so caring of others and I always admired your confidence. It was an interesting take, considering I felt anything but confident in my teen years. But I guess it’s always been inside me. Even if I let his treatment go on wayyyy too long.

[jobae1234]

starburst604 I’m shocked it took this long. Between not knowing to set up wifi and his side chick dumping him, this felt inevitable. Glad you’re not falling for it.

[FrankieM20]

starburst604 I am loving your five star review and looking forward to confirming that myself in a few months. My jaw was just on the floor reading your latest update. 😂😂😂 I have no words but man, am I glad you are outta there!

[livinitup]

starburst604 I love the part where he is going to keep his bachelor apartment for 10 months, get all this therapy done and then “pop” be awesome! Like, he isn’t already “totally really super awesome” right now. Amirite?

I mean, why waste the money on a lease agreement? Might as well schedule your new awesomeness to coincide with your legal obligations to pay a management company.

[starburst604]

Jul 18, 2024 0:24:28 GMT -5 livinitup said:

starburst604 I love the part where he is going to keep his bachelor apartment for 10 months, get all this therapy done and then “pop” be awesome! Like, he isn’t already “totally really super awesome” right now. Amirite?

I mean, why waste the money on a lease agreement? Might as well schedule your new awesomeness to coincide with your legal obligations to pay a management company.

Right, so you're only gonna get right if I agree to try and work things out with you? If I don't, you're gonna just go on being a drunk POS? Wow, how can I refuse an offer like that?! 

[court26]

starburst604 just catching up and wow. This guy! I’m so happy for you that you are at this step and moving right along.

[starburst604]

Jul 17, 2024 20:38:22 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

starburst604 I’m shocked it took this long. Between not knowing to set up wifi and his side chick dumping him, this felt inevitable. Glad you’re not falling for it.

He absolutely just wants me back because he’s tired of adulting and must not be having success replacing the girlfriend. Oh and he’s been reaching out to her recently too, asking how her recent cancer follow up scan was. Trying anything to get some kind of response from her. She finally just blocked him.

A narcissist without a “supply” is a truly pathetic thing!

[shauni27]

starburst604, it literally gives me a thrill to see how obvious he is. He is desperate and this is exactly what you predicted would happen--he would realize how badly he needed you. As always, you are the inspiration I regularly give me IRL friend(s) going through the same thing. I wish your energy and confidence and strength could be bottled and shared with other women!

[Pilsy]

You should become a divorce coach if that’s a thing!

[ssmjlm]

starburst604, he doesn't want to adult and doesn't have anyone he can get that narcissist high from. Reality is hitting him hard.

[starburst604]

Jul 18, 2024 7:34:12 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

You should become a divorce coach if that’s a thing!

Ha, me and his now ex-gf joke about starting a podcast about divorcing narcissists. I know this will sound completely weird, but we continue to talk and not just even about him. We talk about our kids, jobs, divorce shit etc. because hers is still going on too. We have a lot in common and the ways he duped her should be criminal. 

It's insane what a textbook narcissist he is. I used to think that term was thrown around by bitter exes and it probably is to some degree, because something like only 5-6% of the population are truly narcissists. But he is TEXTBOOK, checks every single box. I feel like I have a PhD in narcs now and it's almost like I can predict his next move at this point. I so wish I had known all this sooner. I knew the way he would twist things to always be my fault was wrong and so many other things, but I didn't know it had a name and that there are other people just like him. 

[shauni27]

Jul 18, 2024 7:51:31 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Jul 18, 2024 7:34:12 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

You should become a divorce coach if that’s a thing!

Ha, me and his now ex-gf joke about starting a podcast about divorcing narcissists. I know this will sound completely weird, but we continue to talk and not just even about him. We talk about our kids, jobs, divorce shit etc. because hers is still going on too. We have a lot in common and the ways he duped her should be criminal. 

one of my BFFs got divorced years ago and is still friends with the woman he cheated with. From nearly 20 years ago!

[starburst604]

Jul 18, 2024 8:33:12 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

Jul 18, 2024 7:51:31 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Ha, me and his now ex-gf joke about starting a podcast about divorcing narcissists. I know this will sound completely weird, but we continue to talk and not just even about him. We talk about our kids, jobs, divorce shit etc. because hers is still going on too. We have a lot in common and the ways he duped her should be criminal. 

one of my BFFs got divorced years ago and is still friends with the woman he cheated with. From nearly 20 years ago!

That is funny!! We say that his one good quality is he has excellent taste in in women 😆

[amandakisser]

Jul 18, 2024 7:19:25 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Jul 17, 2024 20:38:22 GMT -5 jobae1234 said:

starburst604 I’m shocked it took this long. Between not knowing to set up wifi and his side chick dumping him, this felt inevitable. Glad you’re not falling for it.

He absolutely just wants me back because he’s tired of adulting and must not be having success replacing the girlfriend. Oh and he’s been reaching out to her recently too, asking how her recent cancer follow up scan was. Trying anything to get some kind of response from her. She finally just blocked him.

A narcissist without a “supply” is a truly pathetic thing!

This is soooo typical. He thought he could find something better because he's clearly god's gift, and when that didn't pan out because he's actually a POS, he comes crawling back because he realized life was actually a lot harder without you running everything. And you very quickly realized how easy and peaceful everything is when you've unburdened yourself. This is my favorite part of every divorce lol.

[amandakisser]

Speaking of peace...

I am currently working two jobs and attending graduate school part time. I'm also selling my house.

This morning, I sat for a while staring off into space because I've finished all of my work for the week, all of my school work, my house is clean and I had nothing to do.

When I had another fully functioning adult in the house, I couldn't keep up: everything was a mess, the kids were overwhelming, I couldn't get work done, wasn't sleeping, had zero money. With him gone, yeah, I still have no money, but it's actually not as dire as it was with his income (he is an alcoholic and blew all our money on booze) and I was just a WRECK. The peace I feel? NOTHING will compare to this. And he has the kids tonight so I get to do whatever I want.

Actually filing was the most stressful part of all this. But the aftermath? Zero regrets.