A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[starburst604]

Jul 18, 2024 8:53:12 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

Speaking of peace...

I am currently working two jobs and attending graduate school part time. I'm also selling my house.

This morning, I sat for a while staring off into space because I've finished all of my work for the week, all of my school work, my house is clean and I had nothing to do.

When I had another fully functioning adult in the house, I couldn't keep up: everything was a mess, the kids were overwhelming, I couldn't get work done, wasn't sleeping, had zero money. With him gone, yeah, I still have no money, but it's actually not as dire as it was with his income (he is an alcoholic and blew all our money on booze) and I was just a WRECK. The peace I feel? NOTHING will compare to this. And he has the kids tonight so I get to do whatever I want.

Actually filing was the most stressful part of all this. But the aftermath? Zero regrets.

I could write this word for word! Before, I was always shoveling shit against the tide. When I was moving out, I wasn't thrilled at the prospect of having the 2 dogs on my own and no yard to let them out in. But we have our walking routine down now and it's fine. No one is throwing a wrench into any of my routines now. He brought nothing but chaos to my life as it turns out, because things feel so calm and peaceful at home now. I also enjoy my solo time when it's his parenting days! It's like I got everything I really needed out of this and he got absolutely nothing he wants out of it. 

[wanderingback]

That post separation/divorce high is so so glorious!

Enjoy it all

[blondemoment123]

Can we talk about changing your name back? I never wanted to change my name when I got married, but felt pressured so I did. I never use my legal last name except when I have to (work, taxes, school paperwork).

My only hesitation with changing it back is DS and I not having the same last name, which I know is silly.

So I was thinking of legally changing my name to add my maiden name back as a second middle name. Would that be weird?

[deadwing]

Jul 18, 2024 9:17:04 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Can we talk about changing your name back? I never wanted to change my name when I got married, but felt pressured so I did. I never use my legal last name except when I have to (work, taxes, school paperwork).

My only hesitation with changing it back is DS and I not having the same last name, which I know is silly.

So I was thinking of legally changing my name to add my maiden name back as a second middle name. Would that be weird?

I changed my name back after the divorce.  Similarly, I wasn't super into changing my name at marriage.  It was important to my XH, so I did it and was never really happy about it.  When we had our court date, it did have to be raised with the judge to allow me to change my name back after the divorce was finalized.  It really wasn't a huge deal.  Once I had the final divorce decree, I went to the SSA one day and the DMV the next.  

The down side is I bought a house between the court date and actually changing my name, so my city taxes and my water bill come with my married name.  I'd have to go to the water department in person to change it and that's more effort than I want to put in.  I don't know what's involved in the city taxes.  I refinanced my mortgage when rates were low during COVID, so my mortgage has the correct name now.

[wanderingback]

Jul 18, 2024 9:17:04 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Can we talk about changing your name back? I never wanted to change my name when I got married, but felt pressured so I did. I never use my legal last name except when I have to (work, taxes, school paperwork).

My only hesitation with changing it back is DS and I not having the same last name, which I know is silly.

So I was thinking of legally changing my name to add my maiden name back as a second middle name. Would that be weird?

I immediately changed my name cause I refused to be Dr. Ex’s name.

When my cousin got divorced she changed her last name to our grandmother’s maiden name to honor her.

So you should do whatever you want.

[lavenderblue]

blondemoment123, I never changed my name after my first marriage, mostly because my exH wanted me to so I kept his name basically to piss him off. This time I changed my name immediately after my divorce was finalized.

FWIW I've never had the same last name as my oldest (I never married his Dad but gave him his Dad's last name) and it was never issue.

[rupertpenny]

I’m changing my name back ASAP. I’ve missed it all these years. Where I live it seems like almost no kids share a last name with both of their parents and it’s NBD.

[Saudade]

I hated my married name the entire time I was married because it’s two words, hard to spell, hard to say. It was such a relief to go back to my super easy last name. It’s caused zero problems with my kids.

[FrankieM20]

I think I would want to change my last name back if it wasn’t such a hassle to do so. I think by the time I get to the finish line of final divorce I will be exhausted.

I too want to share a last name with my kids. So many families have different last names so I’m not worried about that. For me it’s more mental/emotional? I’m not sure how to explain it. Like changing it somehow impacts our relationship?

When my aunt divorced her husband he tried to take her to court to get her to change her name. He did not win.

[amandakisser]

My MIL and I share a name (her first name is the same as mine) and I'd like to have a clean break from that. I had language added to my divorce decree allowing me to change it so I won't have to jump through hoops.

But my personal email address has my married name and my kids actually asked that I not change it back to my maiden name so I likely won't because of that (granted, the reasoning they gave was because they didn't want to learn to spell a different last name for me, not an attachment to us having the same name)

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 18, 2024 9:39:00 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

blondemoment123 , I never changed my name after my first marriage, mostly because my exH wanted me to so I kept his name basically to piss him off. This time I changed my name immediately after my divorce was finalized.

FWIW I've never had the same last name as my oldest (I never married his Dad but gave him his Dad's last name) and it was never issue.

This!  I never changed my name when I got married. Who knew the only thing Mr I Want To Control EVERYTHING About Your Life was eh about was me taking his last name.  My daughter and I have had different last names her entire existence with only ONE hiccup on a Little League roster after her dad and I had split. 

[plutosmoon]

Jul 18, 2024 9:17:04 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Can we talk about changing your name back? I never wanted to change my name when I got married, but felt pressured so I did. I never use my legal last name except when I have to (work, taxes, school paperwork).

My only hesitation with changing it back is DS and I not having the same last name, which I know is silly.

So I was thinking of legally changing my name to add my maiden name back as a second middle name. Would that be weird?

I like the idea of adding a second middle.

I kept my married name because DD lost it when I told her I was planning to change it back. I wanted to keep my maiden name when I got married, but exh was really adamant about me changing it. I considered hyphenating, but that would have resulted in an 18 letter German/Scandinavian name, not ideal.

Exh was desperate for me to go back to my maiden name, even tried to put it in the decree. It really pisses him off that I still use it, to the point he wont even use my married name email, only my maiden name email.

My decree gives me the option to revert to my maiden name, so once DD is older and less sensitive I plan to go back. This isn't something you need to decide immediately.

[noodleoo]

It makes me sad how many women in this thread didn't want to change their names but did it because they were pressured by their spouses. I kept my name, I had absolutely no intention of changing it, but H guilted me so hard about it I briefly considered it (and then thankfully came to my senses!). I have a different name than my kids and it has never been an issue.

I hope those of you that want to change it back can do so easily!

[mcmel]

My divorce was finalized today which feels so weird to say. I’m feeling okay about it. I was so so sad when we separated and then again when he moved out but I’ve been finding my groove in the last 2 weeks since he’s been gone and I’m finding my footing.

I’m really enjoying my home. I started the refinance process a week ago and will hopefully have all that done shortly, which is exciting.

A complicated feeling I’m having is dating. I have been so starved of affection for so so long. Over a decade. And all I want is to be giggly and in love. I want to date immediately, but I’m worried I’ll be judged. People keep saying I should be alone for a bit bc I’m 33 and was with H since I was 17, but I was so unhappy in my marriage. I felt like I was alone for the past 16 years. I had very big hobbies our entire relationship and many people associated with those hobbies never even met H bc it was just standard for me to be alone all the time. Other than eating or sleeping, we did our own things almost all of the time.

Why do I have to wait some arbitrary amount of time to date? I don’t want anyone to move in (maybe ever, I love my space) and just bc I download a dating app it doesn’t mean I’m getting married tomorrow. It just feels shitty that people keep saying to be alone when all I’ve ever felt was alone.

[starburst604]

When I filled out the form to file for divorce there was a section asking if I wanted to change my name and I selected no. It just seemed easier to keep it, plus my maiden name has an apostrophe that was always kind of a PITA. But once things really came out about STBX I reconsidered it. I'm still on the fence I guess, but probably leaning towards keeping it.

What about wedding rings? I can't decide if I should hang onto them for DD or is that like bad luck or weird because we divorced? Maybe have the solitaire made into a necklace or something? That would feel more like something I'M passing down to her rather that it being from us/our marriage.

[TR]

mcmel - I think everyone has their own experiences and I can see why some people might assume that someone coming out of a 16 year relationship would need some time to get to know themselves as a single person before dating, but it sounds like you've had an unusual experience in your marriage. Are you in counseling? I always recommend therapy to anyone all the time haha but it might be particularly helpful for you just to trust your decisions and realize it's ok to ignore other people's well-intentioned advice or not well-intended judgement.

[starburst604]

mcmel date when you want to date! Connecting with and going out on dates doesn't mean you are jumping right back into a relationship. Just have fun and enjoy meeting new people, but just be careful of falling too fast. I have kind of the opposite thing and have no interest in dating. STBX took up so much space and energy and was so overwhelming for so long that I don't feel like putting any energy into another person right now. Plus, what I would want in the right person feels pretty much like finding a unicorn. I have people asking me why I'm not dating, so no matter which way you go someone always has a comment!

[ssmjlm]

mcmel, do what makes you feel happy.

starburst604, can you check the box to go back to your maiden name as an in case of? Or do you have to change it? I would maybe keep that door open.

I would have the ring made into a necklace and then save it for something like a 16th birthday or grad gift. Then it's more of a heirloom.

[1confused1]

I did not change my name back after our divorce. I established myself in my career with my married name so I kept it.

As far as the rings, I absolutely loved mine so I am having them made into a right hand ring.

Dating is hard and so personal. I dated way too early and have regrets. I was in no head space to do that and I’m glad iI eventually figured that out.

[TR]

starburst604 - my mom had her engagement ring stone made into a cartilage stud for me for my 25th birthday. It was pretty small so it worked for that purpose. She said that even though the marriage was short and not happy, the time of her engagement was happy so that stone had happy associations. I think ssmjlm's idea of having it set as a necklace (a bezel set solitaire would be gorgeous) is nice.

[deadwing]

mcmel, date if you want to date! There's no harm in trying it, at least. You can always stop if you change your mind.

starburst604, my engagement and wedding ring have been sitting in a box for years. Sometimes I want to wear my wedding band because it's a simple, beautiful ring. I feel weird about it, though. I know that's silly! It's just a ring, I should wear it if I want to.
I don't have kids who might want the rings, but I think a lot of women want their own rings in their preferred style.

[somersault72]

Jul 18, 2024 13:10:36 GMT -5 mcmel said:

My divorce was finalized today which feels so weird to say. I’m feeling okay about it. I was so so sad when we separated and then again when he moved out but I’ve been finding my groove in the last 2 weeks since he’s been gone and I’m finding my footing.

I’m really enjoying my home. I started the refinance process a week ago and will hopefully have all that done shortly, which is exciting.

A complicated feeling I’m having is dating. I have been so starved of affection for so so long. Over a decade. And all I want is to be giggly and in love. I want to date immediately, but I’m worried I’ll be judged. People keep saying I should be alone for a bit bc I’m 33 and was with H since I was 17, but I was so unhappy in my marriage. I felt like I was alone for the past 16 years. I had very big hobbies our entire relationship and many people associated with those hobbies never even met H bc it was just standard for me to be alone all the time. Other than eating or sleeping, we did our own things almost all of the time.

Why do I have to wait some arbitrary amount of time to date? I don’t want anyone to move in (maybe ever, I love my space) and just bc I download a dating app it doesn’t mean I’m getting married tomorrow. It just feels shitty that people keep saying to be alone when all I’ve ever felt was alone.

I waited a LONG time to date after my divorce. Because I wasn't ready to date. But my circumstances were completely different than yours. Dating is just that. Dating. There is nothing wrong with looking for affection or companionship even casually as long as you're being safe/smart about it and up front with people (some people don't do this, but I would have to). I can pretty much guarantee anyone who is telling you to "be alone for a bit" have not been in your shoes. Even if they've been divorced, all our situations are different. And like you said, you're not planning on getting remarried tomorrow. I'm glad you you're enjoying your home. <3

[pinkdutchtulips]

I started dating again after I filed BUT we had been separated for a year at that point. I needed time to get into a good head space before I started dating again and it was just that 'dating'. The first guy I dated was someone who I did NOT see a future with who was just fun to be around. He was the bridge between my xh and the rest of my dating life.

Date when your ready. Like I said, I waited a year (exited a toxic hostile abusive relationship). J waited a month maybe after she moved out before he started dating again. She had already started a new relationship BEFORE she moved out.

I sold my e-ring and still have my wedding ring somewhere. It won't be handed down to Miss R bc of all the bad juju that set carried.

[expatjen]

I was married for 17 years, with my XH for almost 21 years. About 8 months after our divorce was final, I started dating a man and we've been together for almost a year. Friends were happy for me, even my kids were happy for me, but the person who judged me the most for "not being on my own long enough" was my mom. It's been a hard road navigating a relationship with her since, but I'm not living my life to please my mom or do things on her timeline.

My engagement ring and wedding band were stolen during a burglary at my new home, but I had planned to give the stones to my kids to use in the future. I was pretty upset and sad to lose them (mainly for the monetary value), but a friend of mine reminded me that jewelry (stone and metals) can hold energy and perhaps it was a blessing to have them taken, so that I don't pass on the bad juju from my marriage. I'm choosing to believe that

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Jul 18, 2024 13:10:36 GMT -5 mcmel said:

My divorce was finalized today which feels so weird to say. I’m feeling okay about it. I was so so sad when we separated and then again when he moved out but I’ve been finding my groove in the last 2 weeks since he’s been gone and I’m finding my footing.

I’m really enjoying my home. I started the refinance process a week ago and will hopefully have all that done shortly, which is exciting.

A complicated feeling I’m having is dating. I have been so starved of affection for so so long. Over a decade. And all I want is to be giggly and in love. I want to date immediately, but I’m worried I’ll be judged. People keep saying I should be alone for a bit bc I’m 33 and was with H since I was 17, but I was so unhappy in my marriage. I felt like I was alone for the past 16 years. I had very big hobbies our entire relationship and many people associated with those hobbies never even met H bc it was just standard for me to be alone all the time. Other than eating or sleeping, we did our own things almost all of the time.

Why do I have to wait some arbitrary amount of time to date? I don’t want anyone to move in (maybe ever, I love my space) and just bc I download a dating app it doesn’t mean I’m getting married tomorrow. It just feels shitty that people keep saying to be alone when all I’ve ever felt was alone.

I got drunk and joined Hinge last month (2 years post divorce), then connected with a guy who seemed very nice.  Chatted for a few days, he asked me out for drinks, I said yes, and then I promptly spend the next 48 hours having nothing but complete dread about it.  Not his fault, he seemed very nice, but I realized I was not as ready to date as I thought I was.  He was very nice when I told him I would have to cancel.  

I realized I joined because everyone was telling me to get back out there, I'm still young, etc etc etc.  But I wasn't ready myself.  And that's ok.  The opposite is true too, if you feel ready to go right now then go for it.  But make sure you decide the right reasons, so be that "I just want to have some fun" or "I want to find a partner" or "I want to get some booty calls going", make sure you're clear with yourself and potential matches what you're looking for. 

[starburst604]

Another thing about "dating" is that I refuse to use the apps. I met STBX through Match so it's not that I think I'm too good for it, but I can't name anyone I know who has met any quality people that way recently. Maybe it's my area, but I don't think the man I'd be looking for is going to be on Hinge. Any dates I go on would have to have to come from meeting someone organically like a chance meeting or introduced by friends, so I shall leave it to the universe!

I do have a "first date" tonight with a new single mom friend though. She lives in STBX's building, our kids have become buddies, and she seems really cool. I'm much more excited for that than a date with a guy!

[starburst604]

Jul 18, 2024 14:14:22 GMT -5 expatjen said:

I was married for 17 years, with my XH for almost 21 years. About 8 months after our divorce was final, I started dating a man and we've been together for almost a year. Friends were happy for me, even my kids were happy for me, but the person who judged me the most for "not being on my own long enough" was my mom. It's been a hard road navigating a relationship with her since, but I'm not living my life to please my mom or do things on her timeline.

My engagement ring and wedding band were stolen during a burglary at my new home, but I had planned to give the stones to my kids to use in the future. I was pretty upset and sad to lose them (mainly for the monetary value), but a friend of mine reminded me that jewelry (stone and metals) can hold energy and perhaps it was a blessing to have them taken, so that I don't pass on the bad juju from my marriage. I'm choosing to believe that

This is what is in the back of my mind! I just feel like my entire marriage was a lie and I don't think I even want to wear those diamonds in a repurposed way. Maybe I can trade them in for a new piece of jewelry altogether? Like a nice right hand ring or something and I could still pass it down to DD someday. 

ETA: what's weird is right after I moved I looked for my rings and couldn't find them. I thought they were in my jewelry box. Then last week my eyes landed on my LV Neverful that I recently retired for the same reason - a gift from STBX that I didn't want to wear anymore. I remembered that I stuck the rings on the zippered pocket inside of that for some reason. But when they were missing, I really didn't care that much. I was like eh maybe the universe got rid of them for a reason. 

[gottadobe]

Jul 18, 2024 14:21:11 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I do have a "first date" tonight with a new single mom friend though. She lives in STBX's building, our kids have become buddies, and she seems really cool. I'm much more excited for that than a date with a guy!

I love that you've offloaded one loser and made two new friends out of the deal!!

The fucking nerve asking for "conjugal visits."

[starburst604]

Jul 18, 2024 14:24:06 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

Jul 18, 2024 14:21:11 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I do have a "first date" tonight with a new single mom friend though. She lives in STBX's building, our kids have become buddies, and she seems really cool. I'm much more excited for that than a date with a guy!

I love that you've offloaded one loser and made two new friends out of the deal!!

The fucking nerve asking for "conjugal visits."

And then last night when we were texting about what DD should bring to a sleepover he dropping her at tonight, he wrote "you gonna come over tomorrow night lol". That sick fuck thinks this is a big joke. 

[wanderingback]

Jul 18, 2024 13:10:36 GMT -5 mcmel said:

My divorce was finalized today which feels so weird to say. I’m feeling okay about it. I was so so sad when we separated and then again when he moved out but I’ve been finding my groove in the last 2 weeks since he’s been gone and I’m finding my footing.

I’m really enjoying my home. I started the refinance process a week ago and will hopefully have all that done shortly, which is exciting.

A complicated feeling I’m having is dating. I have been so starved of affection for so so long. Over a decade. And all I want is to be giggly and in love. I want to date immediately, but I’m worried I’ll be judged. People keep saying I should be alone for a bit bc I’m 33 and was with H since I was 17, but I was so unhappy in my marriage. I felt like I was alone for the past 16 years. I had very big hobbies our entire relationship and many people associated with those hobbies never even met H bc it was just standard for me to be alone all the time. Other than eating or sleeping, we did our own things almost all of the time.

Why do I have to wait some arbitrary amount of time to date? I don’t want anyone to move in (maybe ever, I love my space) and just bc I download a dating app it doesn’t mean I’m getting married tomorrow. It just feels shitty that people keep saying to be alone when all I’ve ever felt was alone.

I think only you know best!
I was with my ex for 8 years.
I moved out of the country right when we separated (he actually moved there too, was pre planned before we separated) but I had roommates and I started living my best life immediately!
Since I was living overseas I wasn’t planning on anything serious and was just having fun, I did actually get a boyfriend I think maybe 7 months later. But I didn’t really care. I was certainly well in tune with myself and felt I was emotionally fine having fun and hanging out with men.