A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[blondemoment123]

We were young and poor when we got engaged/married, so my wedding set was nothing spectacular. It will collect dust in a drawer. Someday I might repurpose the diamonds, but it's probably not very cost effective.

[sadlebred]

I never took my ex-H's last name. I hated it, and it sounded terrible with my name. Thankfully--I didn't have to change anything. I only went by his last name at a a professional organization he was a member of. It was easier to be Mrs. ex-H the once/year I went to their holiday party.

My engagement ring became a gorgeous right hand ring. My friend who is a Master jeweler helped me design it. My wedding ring is no more. I love the band I got for our 5th anniversary so much that it's my daily right hand ring. I feel no emotional attachment to it from being married-I just love the ring.

[kmpls]

mcmel I have been so alone in my marriage also. He didn’t ever go to friends or family events. I have been so lonely. I remind I myself of that when I get scared of being “alone.”

[babsbunny]

I haven't been divorced and won't be having kids so my opinion can be ignored, but I wish we could change social norms so kids last names matched their moms since often it is one parent doing more child raising than the other.

Y'all are amazing and I wish you all the best.

[pandorica]

Jul 18, 2024 22:42:37 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

I haven't been divorced and won't be having kids so my opinion can be ignored, but I wish we could change social norms so kids last names matched their moms since often it is one parent doing more child raising than the other.

Y'all are amazing and I wish you all the best.

I didn't change my name and we gave our kids my last name, because fuck the patriarchy and I hate that women are pressured into giving theirs up when they don't want to! I'm pretty sure we're the only people I know IRL who did this.

When I was married the first time I kept coming up with excuses to push off changing my name, and just went by XHs name without changing it. SO glad, since changing it back wasn't an official thing after we got divorced! With the second one I didn't even pretend I was going to consider changing it.

[deadwing]

Jul 18, 2024 22:42:37 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

I haven't been divorced and won't be having kids so my opinion can be ignored, but I wish we could change social norms so kids last names matched their moms since often it is one parent doing more child raising than the other.

Y'all are amazing and I wish you all the best.

I believe that in some (most?) states, there are laws requiring children to get the father's last name, if the father is known.  I swear I read this somewhere and it made me angry.

[amandakisser]

Jul 18, 2024 22:22:07 GMT -5 kmpls said:

mcmel I have been so alone in my marriage also. He didn’t ever go to friends or family events. I have been so lonely. I remind I myself of that when I get scared of being “alone.”

I felt WAY more alone in my marriage than I do now. I think maybe because I knew there was another person who preferred the company of alcohol to myself? So you might have moments of feeling lonely, but my guess is overall you will feel much better and start to enjoy your own company.

On the dating note, I started dating immediately after the divorce...technically, I had just filed and the divorce hadn't been finalized. That relationship lasted ten months and right now we are on a break because we both have some things to work through, but there is a lot of care between us still so we are going to revisit in a couple months. I'm taking life as it comes, because there is no right or wrong answer to dating. I tried dating apps for like a week and they were a cesspool. 

I have a few guys I've known for years who are also divorced now and we are all chatting and getting to know each other, and it's kinda fun to do this with no strings attached and just see what happens. I have a few goals I want to achieve, and none of them involve having a man/husband/boyfriend so, to me, this is all just icing on the cake.

[purplinsky]

I changed my last name when I married XH and changed it back to my maiden name when we divorced. XH tried objecting to me changing my last name back, but the judge just looked at him and told him he couldn't dictate what my last name would be. Lol! DD has his last name and it does make her sad sometimes that we have different last names, but she's expressed that she's sad that she has his last name instead of mine. He's involved very little and hasn't treated her well, so there's not really much of a bond there. I'm engaged right now and I've told my fiance that I don't plan to take his name. He didn't bat an eye and told me it's my name and my choice. His stance is that it doesn't make us more or less married, more or less of a family if we all have different last names.

[scm1011]

Jul 19, 2024 7:11:44 GMT -5 deadwing said:

Jul 18, 2024 22:42:37 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

I haven't been divorced and won't be having kids so my opinion can be ignored, but I wish we could change social norms so kids last names matched their moms since often it is one parent doing more child raising than the other.

Y'all are amazing and I wish you all the best.

I believe that in some (most?) states, there are laws requiring children to get the father's last name, if the father is known.  I swear I read this somewhere and it made me angry.

Really?? My DS has 3 classmates who have their mom's (maiden) last name. Two for fuck the patriarchy reasons and one where the parents chose mom's white-sounding last name to avoid discrimination down the line (father's last name is Hispanic). 

But this is MA, so doubtful that would be a law here.

[twinmomma]

My last name has been one of the most emotional decisions for me and I've spent way more energy than necessary on it. I took exH's last name when we got married because I was super young and that's "what you do." When we got divorced I didn't change back to my maiden name for a few reasons. First, my kids asked me not to. They were generally fine with the divorce, but us not matching really, really upset them. Second, I got married at 23, so that had been my last name for my entire adult life and career and I was stressed about losing publication and speaking history if my name changed.

I got remarried last year and agonized again over what to do with my last name. Current DH didn't care at all and felt like it was silly that I would even consider changing to his last name. A year later, I decided to hyphenate my last name, so now it's a combo of exH and new H. But I don't even associate it with exH anymore - it's the name of my kids and I. And as much as I know a hyphenated last name can be a pain, I really like that I'm like the blending point of our family. DH and his son have their last name, my girls have their last name, and I have both.

[wanderingback]

Jul 19, 2024 7:11:44 GMT -5 deadwing said:

Jul 18, 2024 22:42:37 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

I haven't been divorced and won't be having kids so my opinion can be ignored, but I wish we could change social norms so kids last names matched their moms since often it is one parent doing more child raising than the other.

Y'all are amazing and I wish you all the best.

I believe that in some (most?) states, there are laws requiring children to get the father's last name, if the father is known.  I swear I read this somewhere and it made me angry.

That is definitely not the case in my state. In fact, you can name your child anything and doesn’t have to be either parents last name. I would be pissed if our daughter had to have my partner’s last name and not mine, not because I think it’s a huge deal to have different last name but to have that choice taken away.

If that is the case in any state that is really fucked up (especially for abuse survivors) and I hope people are working on changing that.

[stinkyfeet]

Jul 18, 2024 22:22:07 GMT -5 kmpls said:

mcmel I have been so alone in my marriage also. He didn’t ever go to friends or family events. I have been so lonely. I remind I myself of that when I get scared of being “alone.”

mcmel and kmpls    I 100% understand being alone in a marriage.  kmpls  - what you said is true.  I'm scared of being alone, but I already am very alone.  I think that when/if I decide to leave that I would start dating casually right away  - and screw anyone who judges that decision.  No one knows what is best for you but YOU!

[Aloe Vera]

Jul 19, 2024 7:11:44 GMT -5 deadwing said:

Jul 18, 2024 22:42:37 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

I haven't been divorced and won't be having kids so my opinion can be ignored, but I wish we could change social norms so kids last names matched their moms since often it is one parent doing more child raising than the other.

Y'all are amazing and I wish you all the best.

I believe that in some (most?) states, there are laws requiring children to get the father's last name, if the father is known.  I swear I read this somewhere and it made me angry.

Yes, Louisiana. By default they wil give the dad's last name if he is known and raising the child. But the parents can decide to give any name they want.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 19, 2024 7:11:44 GMT -5 deadwing said:

Jul 18, 2024 22:42:37 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

I haven't been divorced and won't be having kids so my opinion can be ignored, but I wish we could change social norms so kids last names matched their moms since often it is one parent doing more child raising than the other.

Y'all are amazing and I wish you all the best.

I believe that in some (most?) states, there are laws requiring children to get the father's last name, if the father is known.  I swear I read this somewhere and it made me angry.

Speaking for CA, there is no requirement that kids automatically take the father's name if the father is known. I could have given Miss R my last name (I retained my maiden name) just as easy as giving her my now xh's (her dad's) last name or give her both. The trade off was that by me retaining my maiden name, any kids would get his. 

[gottadobe]

Jul 19, 2024 10:41:00 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Jul 19, 2024 7:11:44 GMT -5 deadwing said:

I believe that in some (most?) states, there are laws requiring children to get the father's last name, if the father is known.  I swear I read this somewhere and it made me angry.

the parents chose mom's white-sounding last name to avoid discrimination down the line (father's last name is Hispanic). 

That's interesting.  In High school the school counselor told our white female valedictorian to marry my cousin for his Hispanic name - affirmative action was alive as well in S. Texas. 

[scm1011]

Jul 19, 2024 13:32:30 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

Jul 19, 2024 10:41:00 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

the parents chose mom's white-sounding last name to avoid discrimination down the line (father's last name is Hispanic). 

That's interesting.  In High school the school counselor told our white female valedictorian to marry my cousin for his Hispanic name - affirmative action was alive as well in S. Texas. 

Im not sure what I think about the choice but I will say I had a superior tell me not long ago to look through a stack of resumes and pick ones I thought would be good for our team. She then said “we already have a few ethnic candidates, just so you know…” 🤯 Sooo I guess I can understand the inclination.

[gottadobe]

Jul 19, 2024 13:40:33 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Jul 19, 2024 13:32:30 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

That's interesting.  In High school the school counselor told our white female valedictorian to marry my cousin for his Hispanic name - affirmative action was alive as well in S. Texas. 

Im not sure what I think about the choice but I will say I had a superior tell me not long ago to look through a stack of resumes and pick ones I thought would be good for our team. She then said “we already have a few ethnic candidates, just so you know…” 🤯 Sooo I guess I can understand the inclination.

That's nuts!

[noodleoo]

Jul 19, 2024 13:40:33 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Jul 19, 2024 13:32:30 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

That's interesting.  In High school the school counselor told our white female valedictorian to marry my cousin for his Hispanic name - affirmative action was alive as well in S. Texas. 

Im not sure what I think about the choice but I will say I had a superior tell me not long ago to look through a stack of resumes and pick ones I thought would be good for our team. She then said “we already have a few ethnic candidates, just so you know…” 🤯 Sooo I guess I can understand the inclination.

OMG really? That’s so depressing. I like to pretend it isn’t as bad where we live but I guess I’m deluding myself. 😞

[wanderingback]

Jul 19, 2024 11:57:17 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

Jul 19, 2024 7:11:44 GMT -5 deadwing said:

I believe that in some (most?) states, there are laws requiring children to get the father's last name, if the father is known.  I swear I read this somewhere and it made me angry.

Yes, Louisiana. By default they wil give the dad's last name if he is known and raising the child. But the parents can decide to give any name they want.

What do you mean by default they will give the dad’s last name? When you fill out the birth certificate it is already filled in with the dad’s last name and you cross it out and put what you want?

[scm1011]

Jul 19, 2024 16:54:22 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Jul 19, 2024 13:40:33 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Im not sure what I think about the choice but I will say I had a superior tell me not long ago to look through a stack of resumes and pick ones I thought would be good for our team. She then said “we already have a few ethnic candidates, just so you know…” 🤯 Sooo I guess I can understand the inclination.

OMG really? That’s so depressing. I like to pretend it isn’t as bad where we live but I’m guess I’m deluding myself. 😞

She’s a special kind of awful, so I hope she’s an abnormality. I had reported prior to this about a deeply antisemitic comment she made to me but nothing was done so I wasn’t super surprised. But, it gave me insight into why someone would choose to give their kid the last name Sullivan vs Hernandez (not the real names, but similar).

[livinitup]

Jul 19, 2024 17:02:33 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

Jul 19, 2024 16:54:22 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

OMG really? That’s so depressing. I like to pretend it isn’t as bad where we live but I’m guess I’m deluding myself. 😞

She’s a special kind of awful, so I hope she’s an abnormality. I had reported prior to this about a deeply antisemitic comment she made to me but nothing was done so I wasn’t super surprised. But, it gave me insight into why someone would choose to give their kid the last name Sullivan vs Hernandez (not the real names, but similar).

As a person of Irish heritage, I laughed a little that you picked Sullivan as example of the non-ethnic name.

[scm1011]

Jul 19, 2024 17:35:10 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Jul 19, 2024 17:02:33 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

She’s a special kind of awful, so I hope she’s an abnormality. I had reported prior to this about a deeply antisemitic comment she made to me but nothing was done so I wasn’t super surprised. But, it gave me insight into why someone would choose to give their kid the last name Sullivan vs Hernandez (not the real names, but similar).

As a person of Irish heritage, I laughed a little that you picked Sullivan as example of the non-ethnic name.

I’m first generation Irish-American. In Boston an Irish name is the norm. But regardless, it’s clearly a white name.

[jlt19]

Jul 12, 2024 10:46:08 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Re emergency contact: I still have my ex listed as mine, and he probably still lists me as his. Neither of us has local family, and we share children whichever parent was not having an emergency would need to know so they could take care of the kids. I don't really know what my other options are. I could list my mom, but she's 1500 miles away. Is an emergency contact making life and death decisions?

It could be, yes. Our divorce was finalized March 11 and XH had a heart attack March 17. I was called (I already knew he was going to the ER though) by the nurse while having his EKG done and she told me what was going on and he needed to have emergency cath surgery to put into a stent. They asked about a DNR AFTER I got there and we have one, but I forgot to bring the copy. Luckily he was able to make the call pre-surgery, but had he not been, it would have gone straight to me. Especially since no one actually knew we were divorced.

I imagine we’ll both be updating all of those types of things in the near future. I did change my sister as my emergency contact shortly after though. I also changed my beneficiaries to my SIL because I don’t want him getting anything that’s meant for the kids. Sadly I trust her (his sister) more to use the money for the kids, even though he’ll obviously get custody.

[pierogigirl]

Jul 20, 2024 7:20:35 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

Jul 12, 2024 10:46:08 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Re emergency contact: I still have my ex listed as mine, and he probably still lists me as his. Neither of us has local family, and we share children whichever parent was not having an emergency would need to know so they could take care of the kids. I don't really know what my other options are. I could list my mom, but she's 1500 miles away. Is an emergency contact making life and death decisions?

It could be, yes. Our divorce was finalized March 11 and XH had a heart attack March 17. I was called (I already knew he was going to the ER though) by the nurse while having his EKG done and she told me what was going on and he needed to have emergency cath surgery to put into a stent. They asked about a DNR AFTER I got there and we have one, but I forgot to bring the copy. Luckily he was able to make the call pre-surgery, but had he not been, it would have gone straight to me. Especially since no one actually knew we were divorced.

I imagine we’ll both be updating all of those types of things in the near future. I did change my sister as my emergency contact shortly after though. I also changed my beneficiaries to my SIL because I don’t want him getting anything that’s meant for the kids. Sadly I trust her (his sister) more to use the money for the kids, even though he’ll obviously get custody.

I am not a lawyer, but you can have the beneficiary money go to a trust for your children and make the SIL, or anyone you trust, the trustee of the account. That's what we have done. Unfortunately, I am also the active trustee of the account for my brother's kids.

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Jul 18, 2024 15:12:39 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Jul 18, 2024 14:24:06 GMT -5 gottadobe said:

I love that you've offloaded one loser and made two new friends out of the deal!!

The fucking nerve asking for "conjugal visits."

And then last night when we were texting about what DD should bring to a sleepover he dropping her at tonight, he wrote "you gonna come over tomorrow night lol". That sick fuck thinks this is a big joke. 

PLEASE LET ME WHOOP HIS ASS UNTIL HE SEES JESUS I AM BEGGING YOU

[starburst604]

FrankieM20 thinking of you and wishing you so much strength. You are making the right decision and you are smart to be making an escape plan. It sounds like you think he won’t take it well, are you fearful of violence?

I don’t know how old your kids are, but they could absolutely be picking up on the awful dynamic right now. My nine-year-old most definitely was. As you are thinking about this is the last time you will do this as a family or that, also remember when he does something horrible to you, that will be coming to an end as well. Your kids are going to have a happier and more at peace mother.

You’ve got this, for you and your kids, you DO.

[blondemoment123]

FrankieM20
This resonates with me. I knew I was leaving after the new year, so I was that much more appreciative of my last few months in the house/neighborhood.

You got this!

[mcmel]

FrankieM20 I’m so proud of you. I strongly recommend deleting your post for now ♥️

[raleighnc]

Jul 19, 2024 16:57:04 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Jul 19, 2024 11:57:17 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

Yes, Louisiana. By default they wil give the dad's last name if he is known and raising the child. But the parents can decide to give any name they want.

What do you mean by default they will give the dad’s last name? When you fill out the birth certificate it is already filled in with the dad’s last name and you cross it out and put what you want?

In Louisiana, if the mother is married or has been married at any point in the 300 days before the kid is born, the child gets the last name of the husband (or ex-husband) unless both the husband and wife agree to use the wife's maiden name or her surname or a combination of the father and mother's surname. Those are the only choices (and if the husband doesn't agree to a different option, the kid gets his name). So even if a divorce is finalized before the kid is born, the kid still gets the father's name unless the father and mother agree to pick one of the other options. (If the biological father is not the husband and paternity is assigned to him instead of the husband, the kid gets the biological father's name.)

If the parents aren't married at all, it defaults to the mother's surname unless they agree to use the father's surname or a combination.

www.legis.la.gov/legis/Law.aspx?d=1017571#:~:text=If%20the%20father%20has%20acknowledged,or%20surname%20of%20the%20mother

[bex1973]

Jul 22, 2024 13:00:36 GMT -5 raleighnc said:

Jul 19, 2024 16:57:04 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

What do you mean by default they will give the dad’s last name? When you fill out the birth certificate it is already filled in with the dad’s last name and you cross it out and put what you want?

In Louisiana, if the mother is married or has been married at any point in the 300 days before the kid is born, the child gets the last name of the husband (or ex-husband) unless both the husband and wife agree to use the wife's maiden name or her surname or a combination of the father and mother's surname. Those are the only choices (and if the husband doesn't agree to a different option, the kid gets his name). So even if a divorce is finalized before the kid is born, the kid still gets the father's name unless the father and mother agree to pick one of the other options. (If the biological father is not the husband and paternity is assigned to him instead of the husband, the kid gets the biological father's name.)

If the parents aren't married at all, it defaults to the mother's surname unless they agree to use the father's surname or a combination.

www.legis.la.gov/legis/Law.aspx?d=1017571#:~:text=If%20the%20father%20has%20acknowledged,or%20surname%20of%20the%20mother

In Michigan if a woman is married at the time of conception the kid automatically gets her husbands last name - whether he is the bio father or not. You have to go through a court petition process to change it.