A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[wanderingback]

Jul 22, 2024 13:00:36 GMT -5 raleighnc said:

Jul 19, 2024 16:57:04 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

What do you mean by default they will give the dad’s last name? When you fill out the birth certificate it is already filled in with the dad’s last name and you cross it out and put what you want?

In Louisiana, if the mother is married or has been married at any point in the 300 days before the kid is born, the child gets the last name of the husband (or ex-husband) unless both the husband and wife agree to use the wife's maiden name or her surname or a combination of the father and mother's surname. Those are the only choices (and if the husband doesn't agree to a different option, the kid gets his name). So even if a divorce is finalized before the kid is born, the kid still gets the father's name unless the father and mother agree to pick one of the other options. (If the biological father is not the husband and paternity is assigned to him instead of the husband, the kid gets the biological father's name.)

If the parents aren't married at all, it defaults to the mother's surname unless they agree to use the father's surname or a combination.

www.legis.la.gov/legis/Law.aspx?d=1017571#:~:text=If%20the%20father%20has%20acknowledged,or%20surname%20of%20the%20mother

Thank you for sharing!
That seems like a lot of wasted resources for them to be checking who was married within the past 300 days, and checking all those other things! Ugh. So then I guess kids don’t get their birth certificate filled out right away at birth since they have to check those things? Bizarre. LA def has other things it should be worrying about when it comes to birth and children… :/

[AngGee]

I'm from Louisiana and sadly know this first hand... my daughter was married, got pregnant for another man, left her husband and my grandson was named after the BD. No one checked. She wasn't divorced until way after the baby was born. Baby is now 14! LOL

[raleighnc]

Jul 22, 2024 13:44:02 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Jul 22, 2024 13:00:36 GMT -5 raleighnc said:

In Louisiana, if the mother is married or has been married at any point in the 300 days before the kid is born, the child gets the last name of the husband (or ex-husband) unless both the husband and wife agree to use the wife's maiden name or her surname or a combination of the father and mother's surname. Those are the only choices (and if the husband doesn't agree to a different option, the kid gets his name). So even if a divorce is finalized before the kid is born, the kid still gets the father's name unless the father and mother agree to pick one of the other options. (If the biological father is not the husband and paternity is assigned to him instead of the husband, the kid gets the biological father's name.)

If the parents aren't married at all, it defaults to the mother's surname unless they agree to use the father's surname or a combination.

www.legis.la.gov/legis/Law.aspx?d=1017571#:~:text=If%20the%20father%20has%20acknowledged,or%20surname%20of%20the%20mother

Thank you for sharing!
That seems like a lot of wasted resources for them to be checking who was married within the past 300 days, and checking all those other things! Ugh. So then I guess kids don’t get their birth certificate filled out right away at birth since they have to check those things? Bizarre. LA def has other things it should be worrying about when it comes to birth and children… :/

Well, you just fill out the application forms to register the birth when the baby is born. That's true in at least LA, NC, and NY. That's why it takes a couple of weeks before you can get the actual certificate. The hospital sends the packet with all the information to vital records for it to be recorded. So I guess that's when they would verify any necessary information. But LA's registration form specifically asks if the mother has ever been married, divorced, date of divorce, and if she was married at conception, birth, or any time in between. If so, I guess they won't register the birth without the father's information. And there's a fine/consequence if you lie on the form.

In NC, the mother can check "Married but refusing husband's information" on the registration form, and that's indicated on the birth certificate. Otherwise, you have to put the spouse/ex-spouse information on the form.

And I'm sure you know in NY, you can get a birth certificate with just the gestational parent on it if you want, even if you are married. But I think that's uncommon in most of the US. If you are married and want to put the father on the birth certificate and don't have the same last name, you need a copy of your marriage certificate.

Sorry for getting so off topic with this rabbit hole!

[livinitup]

Jul 22, 2024 20:48:29 GMT -5 raleighnc said:

Jul 22, 2024 13:44:02 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Thank you for sharing!
That seems like a lot of wasted resources for them to be checking who was married within the past 300 days, and checking all those other things! Ugh. So then I guess kids don’t get their birth certificate filled out right away at birth since they have to check those things? Bizarre. LA def has other things it should be worrying about when it comes to birth and children… :/

Well, you just fill out the application forms to register the birth when the baby is born. That's true in at least LA, NC, and NY. That's why it takes a couple of weeks before you can get the actual certificate. The hospital sends the packet with all the information to vital records for it to be recorded. So I guess that's when they would verify any necessary information.

And I'm sure you know in NY, you can get a birth certificate with just the gestational parent on it if you want, even if you are married. But I think that's uncommon in most of the US. If you are married and want to put the father on the birth certificate and don't have the same last name, you need a copy of your marriage certificate.

Sorry for getting so off topic with this rabbit hole!

Don't be sorry, I am glad to learn there are so many regional difference on a document we all have. I do not understand what you wrote about NY birth certificates and a marriage certificate. The NY birth certificate asks for the gestational mother’s first name and maiden name & the father’s first name and last name. The mother’s married name is not asked on the application/form or recorded on the child’s birth certificate. When does a marriage certificate come into play?

[raleighnc]

Jul 23, 2024 7:17:30 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Don't be sorry, I am glad to learn there are so many regional difference on a document we all have. I do not understand what you wrote about NY birth certificates and a marriage certificate. The NY birth certificate asks for the gestational mother’s first name and maiden name & the father’s first name and last name. The mother’s married name is not asked on the application/form or recorded on the child’s birth certificate. When does a marriage certificate come into play?

The parent/child form for NYC (I was probably unclear on NYC vs NYS) collects a bunch of different information that doesn't appear on the birth certificate, including the gestational mother/parent's current legal name plus her name at birth. If the gestational parent wants the other parent's name on the form, it asks for the father/parent's name at birth as well.

It apparently varies by hospital in NYC whether they require the marriage certificate to put the second parent's name on the birth certificate - the parent/baby form says to ask the hospital what is required if the parents are married.

www.northwell.edu/sites/northwell.edu/files/inline-files/Registering-Your-Newborn%2527s-Birth-english.pdf

If the parents aren't married and want the second parent's name on the certificate, they fill out a different form acknowledging parentage.

www.nyc.gov/assets/doh/downloads/pdf/vs/vr203-web.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjO-b3Sl8yHAxXP4skDHbcSDz0QFnoECBcQAQ&usg=AOvVaw0ZBsy85R6OxRxRlmDwM9m-

www.nyc.gov/site/doh/services/birth-death-records-birth.page#new

"Married parents, regardless of sex, have the right to have both their names on their child's birth certificate. Some hospitals require proof of marriage. Check with the hospital to find out if you need to bring a copy of your marriage license with you."

[campermom]

PDQ
Child support is now 2 days late. I think this is the 3rd time this has happened. I could go find proof but it is just another task/mental load.

I’ve put off going through the bureau bc that takes time and I think it would take a whole month to process and I’d be out one month.

I submitted a couple of months of receipts for sports/medical/phone which is ordered to be split. Maybe it will jog his memory. I don’t like having to ask.

[livinitup]

campermom What a jerk.

[campermom]

livinitup I submitted 25 different Venmo requests for the last 3 months-medical etc. He clicked on two of them-the phone bills which he hates the most. For some reason he thinks I’m always trying to steal money from him with those.

But he hasn’t clicked on the other 23 requests, nor is his CS sent. It’s due on the 1st. I just took out of savings again.

This is a game. It’s my punishment bc he’s mad that he let it slip to my son that he had marriage counseling last week.

[1confused1]

campermom I’m really sorry about the CS. A long time ago I learned I had to do all the financial support on my own and not count on CS for anything. I randomly get a payment every now and then, but nothing consistent or the correct amount.

[livinitup]

campermom I KID YOU NOT !!! —> I was wondering, “Oh, somebody’s got the big mad feelings and needs to be a jerk to feel better about himself. How’s the new marriage going? Seeing any cracks ??”

I LITERALLY THOUGHT - I BET THE NEW MARRIAGE IS GETTING CRACKS.

But I didn’t ask because I thought it would be creepy to ask 😆🤣🤣 But here you are. You know. Didn’t take long, did it?

[campermom]

PDQ

livinitup our divorce was final June 2021. he got married in December 2022 at the courthouse. The “real” wedding was May 2023.

In July 2023, when we found out he was for sure intercepting and watching my text messages for 7 months (had access to 1.5 years of texts), one of my kids told me they were already in marriage counseling.

[campermom]

Aug 3, 2024 12:54:51 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

campermom I’m really sorry about the CS. A long time ago I learned I had to do all the financial support on my own and not count on CS for anything. I randomly get a payment every now and then, but nothing consistent or the correct amount.

I wish I could, and my goal is to. In this economy it’s so hard. If it was just one or even 2 kids I could probably manage, but 3 and one has special behavioral needs…..it’s just too much. I still have goals though.

[Eagles]

Jul 18, 2024 13:10:36 GMT -5 mcmel said:

My divorce was finalized today which feels so weird to say. I’m feeling okay about it. I was so so sad when we separated and then again when he moved out but I’ve been finding my groove in the last 2 weeks since he’s been gone and I’m finding my footing.

I’m really enjoying my home. I started the refinance process a week ago and will hopefully have all that done shortly, which is exciting.

A complicated feeling I’m having is dating. I have been so starved of affection for so so long. Over a decade. And all I want is to be giggly and in love. I want to date immediately, but I’m worried I’ll be judged. People keep saying I should be alone for a bit bc I’m 33 and was with H since I was 17, but I was so unhappy in my marriage. I felt like I was alone for the past 16 years. I had very big hobbies our entire relationship and many people associated with those hobbies never even met H bc it was just standard for me to be alone all the time. Other than eating or sleeping, we did our own things almost all of the time.

Why do I have to wait some arbitrary amount of time to date? I don’t want anyone to move in (maybe ever, I love my space) and just bc I download a dating app it doesn’t mean I’m getting married tomorrow. It just feels shitty that people keep saying to be alone when all I’ve ever felt was alone.

Girl go enjoy your life, find someone who can give you affection (or multiple someones, just be safe), because life is short.

[mommyatty]

campermom- I don’t think you would be out but it would probably be delayed. But then again, sounds like he’s delaying paying you anyway.

[starburst604]

campermom the financial revenge abuse is real. So far STBX has been on time with CS and quick at paying his half of expenses that we split. The only thing in contention as we are working out the final divorce agreement is whether I should get a share of the side consulting work he does, which pays intermittently in unpredictable chunks. He tells me verbally “I’m going to give you some of that, I promise to still take care of you” but he won’t put it in writing. Which means if he decides to pay me some of it, it comes with strings. When he’s doesn’t like what I’m doing or how I’m acting to him I’ll hear all about that money he gave me out of the “goodness of his heart”. He’ll tell everyone how he gives me money he doesn’t have to because he’s such a good guy and I can’t survive without that help from him. I want to either get it in the agreement or I won’t accept it at all. It’s not worth the strings attached. So we’ll see what the judge decides.

[blondemoment123]

campermom Based on what you've shared, you need to handle the CS within the court system. Your XH has proven he can't be relied on to pay as agreed.

starburst604 STBXH has done this with his bonuses. It's money he's earned and worked hard for, so I don't expect any of it but he's quick to say he'll "share" and I don't see a dime.

[campermom]

I totally agree w you. Either straight forward in the agreement or not worth the strings attached. That’s how my Ex treats “helping out” with getting 3 kids to 4 sports/part-time job/other activities.

I stopped asking for help in 2021. And he still refers to all that help he gave in 2021.

Same goes for sick days/doctors appointments. He has done 8% of the appointments-and for one of my kids it is a TON-and he says he is doing me “favors” even though the agreement is to use 50% of his sick time for the kids.

if your order is not complete I highly recommend Coach Sam-the ugly truth of divorce. She did a 10 part series in June about agreements. I also asked friends/moms of older kids and knew enough to get him to contribute an equal amount as me toward a new 529, split college applications, split drivers ed and split car insurance. ETA and phones.

[blondemoment123]

campermom It's not final,no. I'll definitely look into it!

[starburst604]

campermom yes talking to divorced MOOKs has been really helpful for projecting costs that will come up as she gets older. Another thing someone recommended to me was putting in language about transportation if he should move further away, which I think he might before she’s able to drive. To make sure that he can’t just demand I do all the driving. I also don’t think 50/50 will be reasonable at that point, because how is she going to juggle getting to school and all her sports activities if she’s living 45-60 minutes away? I think he’s going to eventually move back to where he’s from and has “people” closer by. Without me he doesn’t really have a network here anymore.

[campermom]

PDQ
I sent reminders for the Venmo requests and he paid more but won’t budge on some because I paid some bills by check. I thought sending him a pic of the bill itself was enough but no.

He has asked questions for clarification but still no CS. I’m taking taking care of it on Monday with the bureau. I haven’t said a word, I will not beg. I don’t need to go through the courts-I think I can go through social services and they set up auto pay through garnished wages. Should be easy since he’s a federal employee/supervisor.

Im actually contemplating paying my attorney to write a letter to his atty, just so he would need to pay his lawyer a little fee. This isn’t a man without funds. He skipped many of his child’s mental health crisis appointments with neurology bc he was on a 2 week cruise to Europe. And he’s over here texting me about $18. But no child support. This is a game to him.

starburst604 the relocation was an issue. He agreed to drop off and pick up the kids here. He was living 60-90 mins depending on traffic at that time, near work in temp housing. He ended up moving into a home his newly found wife was building. A 6 bedroom multimillion dollar home. He decided he no longer wants to drive to get them for his two, 48 hours visitations per month, and that I should split the drive. We went to mediation and I said “no.” And he submitted a settlement offer to drop a different trial if I did a number of things to benefit him in addition to providing him a stipend of the IRS mileage reimbursement for gas money. I didn’t accept that part of the offer.

[starburst604]

campermom I don’t understand, what’s different about you paying by check for him?

[campermom]

Aug 4, 2024 17:32:23 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

campermom I don’t understand, what’s different about you paying by check for him?

I didn’t have a receipt. I send him a pic of the Labcorp bill for $36 but he wants proof that I actually paid it before he’d reimburse me.

I wish was in a position to just let these things go but they add up.

[deadwing]

Aug 4, 2024 18:20:21 GMT -5 campermom said:

Aug 4, 2024 17:32:23 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

campermom I don’t understand, what’s different about you paying by check for him?

I didn’t have a receipt. I send him a pic of the Labcorp bill for $36 but he wants proof that I actually paid it before he’d reimburse me.

I wish was in a position to just let these things go but they add up.

My bank will show me images of the check I wrote after it's been deposited by the payee. Maybe yours does this too?

[campermom]

PDQ
deadwing I can do that; I have thought about it. I have some reluctance with some things when it comes to giving any more info about account numbers than necessary.

This may be me being extra or maybe warranted, but he used to call my financial lender to ask questions about my mortgage. (And my gym to find out what I pay. And the anonymous letter to my pool.)

I try to never include bills that show the last 4 digits of any credit card numbers, account numbers etc. If there are any QR codes on bills, I black them out.

When he got into my phone he also had access to my 2 factor authentication codes, and my pharmacy records were able to be obtained by putting only my date of birth into the link that was texted to me from my dr’s office-which showed him every prescription I’d been written from that office-if he entered it.

My bank tellers are small town and I’ve had to work with them for extra layers of security. I’m just funny about it.

ETA: last year he attempted to get ahold of all mental health records on his own. I called the office for not only mental but also physical health to put alerts on my account. I even told the marriage therapy place that if they get a signed consent-it is forged. Please make note! They were very kind.

[starburst604]

Aug 4, 2024 18:24:48 GMT -5 deadwing said:

Aug 4, 2024 18:20:21 GMT -5 campermom said:

I didn’t have a receipt. I send him a pic of the Labcorp bill for $36 but he wants proof that I actually paid it before he’d reimburse me.

I wish was in a position to just let these things go but they add up.

My bank will show me images of the check I wrote after it's been deposited by the payee. Maybe yours does this too?

Same. I think almost all banks do. Back in the day they would mail you all your cashed checks as proof of receipt so I believe they all do the same digitally.

ETA campermom just black out the account numbers on the check. I’m sorry he’s so crazy.

[starburst604]

Aug 4, 2024 18:24:48 GMT -5 deadwing said:

Aug 4, 2024 18:20:21 GMT -5 campermom said:

I didn’t have a receipt. I send him a pic of the Labcorp bill for $36 but he wants proof that I actually paid it before he’d reimburse me.

I wish was in a position to just let these things go but they add up.

My bank will show me images of the check I wrote after it's been deposited by the payee. Maybe yours does this too?

I’m also having a hard time following why he cares if you paid the bill. If the bill is coming to you and you choose not to pay it, they’ll keep hounding you. If he paid his share, his responsibility ends there.

I routinely have STBX to pay me in advance of larger bills that are going to be auto deducted from my account like DD’s club sports dues. If I took his money but never paid for the dues, it would be obvious because she couldn’t participate.

[lostrn]

Aug 4, 2024 20:47:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 4, 2024 18:24:48 GMT -5 deadwing said:

My bank will show me images of the check I wrote after it's been deposited by the payee. Maybe yours does this too?

I’m also having a hard time following why he cares if you paid the bill. If the bill is coming to you and you choose not to pay it, they’ll keep hounding you. If he paid his share, his responsibility ends there.

I routinely have STBX to pay me in advance of larger bills that are going to be auto deducted from my account like DD’s club sports dues. If I took his money but never paid for the dues, it would be obvious because she couldn’t participate.

Because he wants to make things difficult. He can't just move on and do simple things for the good of his children.

[starburst604]

Aug 4, 2024 20:52:58 GMT -5 lostrn said:

Aug 4, 2024 20:47:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I’m also having a hard time following why he cares if you paid the bill. If the bill is coming to you and you choose not to pay it, they’ll keep hounding you. If he paid his share, his responsibility ends there.

I routinely have STBX to pay me in advance of larger bills that are going to be auto deducted from my account like DD’s club sports dues. If I took his money but never paid for the dues, it would be obvious because she couldn’t participate.

Because he wants to make things difficult. He can't just move on and do simple things for the good of his children.

I guess he’s a much smarter narcissist than mine. Mine doesn’t even know how to operate online banking or put an app on his phone and he didn’t even know how to access our finances when we were together. So he just takes my word for what is due I guess.

His psychopathy revolves more around how I’m living my life and who I’m spending time with. Oh, and his new thing is that I don’t miss DD during my non-parenting time the way he does. 🙄

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Aug 4, 2024 15:05:57 GMT -5 campermom said:

PDQ

Oh so your ex wants to be added to list of ass whoopins, ok sir step right TF up WHY ARE THESE MEN SUCH TRASH

[livinitup]

campermom Whoa, the pool letter. That one still gives me chills. It did seem like a nice pool, though. Did you join this year? Or just find something else to do during the summer?

It really is financial abuse. It really, really is. It’s an interesting twist that he sees it as paying you back, so he insists that you prove, to his satisfaction, that you paid the bill. Whether you paid or not is absolutely beside the point. It’s HIS CHILD, so HIS BILL to pay half whether or not you paid your half.

It’s exhausting.