A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[pinkdutchtulips]

CS stories like the ones above make me so glad that I decided NOT to pursue CS against Miss R's dad. I didn't let him off, I realized I wouldn't get a dime from a transient addict.

[campermom]

Aug 5, 2024 11:16:37 GMT -5 livinitup said:

campermom Whoa, the pool letter. That one still gives me chills. It did seem like a nice pool, though. Did you join this year? Or just find something else to do during the summer?

PDQ
Babes —and I say this with my new shades on low on my eyes-I went yesterday w my leopard skin bikini and hot boyfriend carrying my cooler for me and doing backflips off the diving board w my son. A man who pays as a guest (not a member on my account) and is not married, as the letter accused. Every time I go, I think of it as the Scandal pool. How pathetic.

I brought it up for the first time ever (besides including it in court documents) when I broke minimal contact a few months ago. I just let everything out-things he doesn’t know that I know-like that my daughter told me he googled my boyfriend and showed her the pic he referenced in the pool letter—it was an outdated pic of my boyfriend w his wife before they got divorced. And that my daughter, once she found out he was in my phone, told me Dad told her things boyfriend said to me and she thought it was weird at the time that dad would know that. And a couple other things he didn’t know I know like that he went through my garbage cans and I had it on video.

He rattled off right away a denial that he wrote that letter. And then he said “if it weren’t for you forwarding your texts to me. I would have thought you wrote that letter to frame me”

Like he literally blames me for my texts being forwarded to a dead iPad my kid slipped to his house that he continued to monitor unknowingly for 7 months. And had the audacity to claim he was just being a good dad by monitoring his child’s device-that the child forgot they even had. I had changed the appleID passwords but it still sent them I responded that I was told he kept it under his master bathroom sink on between two towels, next to the toilet. That’s where he’d catch up on reading my life.

[bcv513]

It's crazy how they still try to use money to control us. C has an ear infection last week, I let XH know I was taking her to urgent care because it was 7:00. He showed up at urgent care and started telling the doctor how the infection is my fault because I let her go to a friend's pool party without earplugs. Then he refused to pay for half the copay and half the medicine because "he shouldn't have to pay for my stupidity." Whatever dude. The $12 you would have given me doesn't make a difference.

[campermom]

PDQ
It’s done. I spent literally all day on the phone, twice at the DSS office, and 2 courthouses-lugging my son around in the heat bc it’s my only option- but I got the app done, copies of all my orders and agreement, marriage cert, kids birth certs and SS Cards and the financial statements. It’s complete! It will take a few weeks to process, and I asked what happens if he pays in the meantime. She said “oh you continue to accept”

He FAFO.

Sounds like the rest of the mental load will finally be on him to figure out.

My therapist and I call these problem solving solutions “little checkboxes” or things I figure out at the front end that I can say “check” off a list of things he uses to create discord for me.

[starburst604]

bcv513 what a fucking dick!!!
campermom good for you!!! I love that he'll have his wages garnished. Fuck around and find out, dickhead!

[AdaraMarie]

campermom My agreement says that I have to provide my x with receipts. He's never mad a big thing about statements vs receipts but he won't pay if I don't send something. Pretty much anywhere will send you a receipt if you call them and ask for one.

[campermom]

AdaraMarie yes even Verizon sent me a new itemized receipt for buying out a phone when I called and explained why. They were very nice.

One of the “checkboxes” I’ve learned is when I’m doing individual lessons w the coaches, sometimes they want cash. I write a Venmo request and I’ll say “$140 in cash for coach lessons, no receipt. Contact Coach D if you need verification” on the Venmo note and I know he doesn’t want to look bad and he knows I’ll tell them, so he just pays it.

[1confused1]

Aug 5, 2024 11:43:06 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

CS stories like the ones above make me so glad that I decided NOT to pursue CS against Miss R's dad. I didn't let him off, I realized I wouldn't get a dime from a transient addict.

It’s like a game for me. I’ll get an email from DCSS telling me I received a child support payment, then I log into my bank. Will it be $64 or $264?!? If I don’t laugh about it, I’ll cry, so…

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 5, 2024 17:10:34 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Aug 5, 2024 11:43:06 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

CS stories like the ones above make me so glad that I decided NOT to pursue CS against Miss R's dad. I didn't let him off, I realized I wouldn't get a dime from a transient addict.

It’s like a game for me. I’ll get an email from DCSS telling me I received a child support payment, then I log into my bank. Will it be $64 or $264?!? If I don’t laugh about it, I’ll cry, so…

I had a sinking feeling he wouldn't be long for this world and SS Survivor Death benefits would kick in. It took 8y. I get more w SSDB that I could have gotten via CS.

[starburst604]

Aug 5, 2024 17:13:20 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Aug 5, 2024 17:10:34 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

It’s like a game for me. I’ll get an email from DCSS telling me I received a child support payment, then I log into my bank. Will it be $64 or $264?!? If I don’t laugh about it, I’ll cry, so…

I had a sinking feeling he wouldn't be long for this world and SS Survivor Death benefits would kick in. It took 8y. I get more w SSDB that I could have gotten via CS.

This is an interesting thing to know. One of the questions I have for my attorney is if STBX has enough life insurance, because I think the odds of him being gone before DD is 18 are decent and IMO he’s underinsured for his salary. He’s gainfully employed right now and I suppose if he were to really fall apart he might default on life insurance premiums and I wouldn’t get it in the end. Good to know we’d get SS benefits at least.

[campermom]

I just wanted to say that I am so thankful for these boards. After all of these years I have learned so much from these women. I have also been empowered by you. I don’t think I would have gone to that office today had it not been for the encouragement to do that from here. I don’t have this kind of support in real life, my dad commented that I could just keep asking. He didn’t understand emotional abuse. He said I was acting in spite by having the wages garnished. But I know and I know you all don’t see it that way. Just wanted to say thanks for making me a stronger person, internet strangers!


starburst604 life ins is a complication I experienced. We already had policies. I was worried he would just stop paying his premium bc of his financial obsession, and I would not be notified if he was the owner of the policy and then if he died my kids would not have CS. This happened to a friend of mine w alimony.

So my lawyer and I came up w the plan to have the agreement switch the owners-I would own and pay his bc it was more expensive, and he would own and pay mine.

Beneficiary was to be the children. I established a new will and trust.

The plan backfired when he changed the beneficiary of my life insurance policy to himself. When I found this out bc he stupidly admitted it, I called the company and send then my order. It doesn’t matter. He can just keep switching it.

If I die, he will get allllllll of the money. My family will need to take him to probate and the money would be ordered back to the trust established for the kids. It’s not an easy answer w narcissists that will act out of spite.

[starburst604]

campermom wow that is nuts. HE is nuts. Im glad you/we all have this place too!

For us it’s looking like we will each just be the beneficiaries of one another’s policies until DD is of age, though he doesn’t read things through so I want to be sure someone tells him verbally that he can’t go and make his sister or something his beneficiary. I’m fine with him being the beneficiary I guess, are there drawbacks to that? Life insurance was expensive for him due to his tobacco use history and it would be ridiculous now with his alcohol abuse documented in his medical records so I don’t even know if he could reasonably get more.

STBX is so inept that he doesn’t even know who to contact to change the auto deduction from our former joint account which is now mine. So it gets deducted from me and he just pays me back 🤦‍♀️ At least I’ll know it’s getting paid?

[campermom]

PDQ
The drawback is he would have control over their money from me. He was extremely financially abusive to me-I made a very good income he had text alerts on our credit cards and he would call us and be like “someone wanted a happy meal huh?” Before we even got out of line of the drive through. For years I’d take out cash to use for my Friday Starbucks treat so he didn’t know.

He’s already started w them. He tells my 15 year old son he needs to keep visiting bc maybe his step mother will help pay for his college. (She is very wealthy) My daughter wanted her ears pierced and I gave permission but told her I wouldn’t have time before her one week visit. She called and asked if she could get it done at their house and they said yes. Then they called her back and said they talked about it and don’t think it’s a good idea. She later told me she asked him if this was about him having to pay for it, and he said no, but gave her excuses that didn’t make sense. Later he let it slip that he’d have to pay and she called him out “so this IS about money” and he blame shifted and told her how much he pays for Child Support.

A few weeks ago she was upset bc he told her she also needed to keep visiting so that step mom might give her 10,000 to college. She was crying to me bc she said step mom once told her a year ago that she donated 60k a year to charities. She said, “don’t get me wrong I’d be grateful for 10k but why would they give that much to strangers but 10 for my future and in his daughter?” She was like Mom-why wouldn’t they want to help their own kid, why doesn’t he want me to be able to have a car? I can’t answer her, I don’t know what to say other than we will make it work.

Another thing that really upset her was when they went to the beach a few weeks ago, first of all he won’t pay for a hotel so they drive 3 hours there, stay for the day then drive 3 hours back. She wanted a souvenir sweatshirt and he asked her if she had any money. She texted me “Bro not dad making me pay for my own sweatshirt”

She was afraid to tell him no bc I have them keep an emergency $20 in their phone cases in case they are out w friends and need to eat or something.

Anyway the way he is, he would take all their money and invest it, and then make them beg for school supplies and he would make them buy cheaper clothes than they want/than is normal. It would be abusive bc it would come w strings. The way I have it set up once my family would take him to probate to get the money back, one of my family members would be in charge of the trust that disperses the money directly to them. They would have a representative.

[deadwing]

Aug 6, 2024 5:33:36 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

campermom wow that is nuts. HE is nuts. Im glad you/we all have this place too!

For us it’s looking like we will each just be the beneficiaries of one another’s policies until DD is of age, though he doesn’t read things through so I want to be sure someone tells him verbally that he can’t go and make his sister or something his beneficiary. I’m fine with him being the beneficiary I guess, are there drawbacks to that? Life insurance was expensive for him due to his tobacco use history and it would be ridiculous now with his alcohol abuse documented in his medical records so I don’t even know if he could reasonably get more.

STBX is so inept that he doesn’t even know who to contact to change the auto deduction from our former joint account which is now mine. So it gets deducted from me and he just pays me back 🤦‍♀️ At least I’ll know it’s getting paid?

OMG.  I would strongly consider getting a new bank account... partially out of spite.  I'm not sure I can articulate why, but keeping a former joint account doesn't feel right to me. 

[pierogigirl]

campermom and starburst604 When my brother got divorced, it was in the decree that each party had to maintain a certain amount of life insurance with the other as beneficiary until the children turned 18.

Trigger warning - I know this because I was the executor of his estate and am now the trustee of the kids' trusts.

[starburst604]

Aug 6, 2024 6:06:00 GMT -5 deadwing said:

Aug 6, 2024 5:33:36 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

campermom wow that is nuts. HE is nuts. Im glad you/we all have this place too!

For us it’s looking like we will each just be the beneficiaries of one another’s policies until DD is of age, though he doesn’t read things through so I want to be sure someone tells him verbally that he can’t go and make his sister or something his beneficiary. I’m fine with him being the beneficiary I guess, are there drawbacks to that? Life insurance was expensive for him due to his tobacco use history and it would be ridiculous now with his alcohol abuse documented in his medical records so I don’t even know if he could reasonably get more.

STBX is so inept that he doesn’t even know who to contact to change the auto deduction from our former joint account which is now mine. So it gets deducted from me and he just pays me back 🤦‍♀️ At least I’ll know it’s getting paid?

OMG.  I would strongly consider getting a new bank account... partially out of spite.  I'm not sure I can articulate why, but keeping a former joint account doesn't feel right to me. 

Honestly the only reason I haven't is that I have SOOOOO many things attached to this account that I'd have to change and I just don't wanna! It would inconvenience me much more than him. He did change over every other thing that was deducted from that and yes it's annoying but now that we're having this life insurance convo here, it kind of has me thinking that at least if he ever goes totally off the rails I can ensure his life insurance is being paid so maybe it's not the worst thing! 

[TR]

Aug 6, 2024 8:58:48 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 6, 2024 6:06:00 GMT -5 deadwing said:

OMG.  I would strongly consider getting a new bank account... partially out of spite.  I'm not sure I can articulate why, but keeping a former joint account doesn't feel right to me. 

Honestly the only reason I haven't is that I have SOOOOO many things attached to this account that I'd have to change and I just don't wanna! It would inconvenience me much more than him. He did change over every other thing that was deducted from that and yes it's annoying but now that we're having this life insurance convo here, it kind of has me thinking that at least if he ever goes totally off the rails I can ensure his life insurance is being paid so maybe it's not the worst thing! 

Just consider that, in my experience, when XH and I did this (he kept the joint account), years later he was buying a house and I had to sign something saying I held no claim to the money in that account. This was fine as I am a normal, agreeable person, and he was able to get in touch with me. But just consider if you might need to do this in the future and if he would be cooperative.

[starburst604]

campermom that makes sense completely - you are smart to handle it that way. Financial abuse wasn't an issue of ours, at least not in that way. He liked to hold it over me that he made more $, but he didn't know a damn thing about how to invest, budget or even look at our bank account. He's very generous with DD and wants her to have all her needs (and wants) met.

I'll have to redo my will once we are divorced, so I'll give more thought to how my life insurance should be held in the event that he ever ends up with it.

[starburst604]

Aug 6, 2024 9:02:48 GMT -5 TR said:

Aug 6, 2024 8:58:48 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Honestly the only reason I haven't is that I have SOOOOO many things attached to this account that I'd have to change and I just don't wanna! It would inconvenience me much more than him. He did change over every other thing that was deducted from that and yes it's annoying but now that we're having this life insurance convo here, it kind of has me thinking that at least if he ever goes totally off the rails I can ensure his life insurance is being paid so maybe it's not the worst thing! 

Just consider that, in my experience, when XH and I did this (he kept the joint account), years later he was buying a house and I had to sign something saying I held no claim to the money in that account. This was fine as I am a normal, agreeable person, and he was able to get in touch with me. But just consider if you might need to do this in the future and if he would be cooperative.

That's good to know. To this point STBX is normal with this stuff. When my dad bought the townhouse there was a bylaw stating that the owner cannot rent out their unit, so there was the possibility that we'd have to put my name on the deed and STBX signed a stipulation from my attorney that if my name was on the deed, the home would not be included in the division of our marital estate. We ended up getting an exception from the board for me to live here so I didn't have to go on the deed. 

If push comes to shove I'll just close the account. But that was MY account forever and I added him when we got married, I'm so annoyed by the inconvenience lol. 

[ssmjlm]

starburst604, I would add to have him removed from the account as part of the decree. Then you can keep it.

[starburst604]

Aug 6, 2024 9:14:25 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

starburst604 , I would add to have him removed from the account as part of the decree. Then you can keep it.

I'll ask my attorney about that! We went to the bank together to take him off the account and they said we'd have to just close it and each open a new one. He already had a new one and I ended up not going back to close it because annoying lol. Maybe if my attorney can just put in language that he has no rights to the account that will cover all the bases. Gonna write that into my list of stuff I want to go over with her as we come up with our final agreement for our court date in November. 

[sparkythelawyer]

Aug 5, 2024 21:36:54 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 5, 2024 17:13:20 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

I had a sinking feeling he wouldn't be long for this world and SS Survivor Death benefits would kick in. It took 8y. I get more w SSDB that I could have gotten via CS.

This is an interesting thing to know. One of the questions I have for my attorney is if STBX has enough life insurance, because I think the odds of him being gone before DD is 18 are decent and IMO he’s underinsured for his salary. He’s gainfully employed right now and I suppose if he were to really fall apart he might default on life insurance premiums and I wouldn’t get it in the end. Good to know we’d get SS benefits at least.

Chiming in to the ONE think I know about here - yes, if your daughter's father dies before she is 18, she is eligible to receive what he would have received for Social Security.  Note - I don't know how having multiple children changes this, so if she has siblings out there that may affect what she gets.  The application process is actually surprisingly easy, and they were the easiest people to work with after my husband died.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 5, 2024 21:36:54 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 5, 2024 17:13:20 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

I had a sinking feeling he wouldn't be long for this world and SS Survivor Death benefits would kick in. It took 8y. I get more w SSDB that I could have gotten via CS.

This is an interesting thing to know. One of the questions I have for my attorney is if STBX has enough life insurance, because I think the odds of him being gone before DD is 18 are decent and IMO he’s underinsured for his salary. He’s gainfully employed right now and I suppose if he were to really fall apart he might default on life insurance premiums and I wouldn’t get it in the end. Good to know we’d get SS benefits at least.

It's something. He barely made the 40 reported quarters of work for her to be eligible. The benefits cease when she turns 18 so we have 6y of benefits. 

[starburst604]

Well, I had said that I was holding off on using a court ordered app for communication with STBX, but last night he earned himself that. Back on his verbally abusive bullshit through text and I’m not here for it.

Have fun talking to me through Our Family Wizard you douche. ✌️

[livinitup]

Aug 7, 2024 18:42:36 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well, I had said that I was holding off on using a court ordered app for communication with STBX, but last night he earned himself that. Back on his verbally abusive bullshit through text and I’m not here for it.

Have fun talking to me through Our Family Wizard you douche. ✌️

We know you tried valiantly starburst604. I’m glad to see you’re thinking of it as “he earned it”.

[starburst604]

Aug 7, 2024 19:22:12 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Aug 7, 2024 18:42:36 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well, I had said that I was holding off on using a court ordered app for communication with STBX, but last night he earned himself that. Back on his verbally abusive bullshit through text and I’m not here for it.

Have fun talking to me through Our Family Wizard you douche. ✌️

We know you tried valiantly starburst604. I’m glad to see you’re thinking of it as “he earned it”.

I tried my best and gave him several chances. My attorney contacted his today and it’s happening. FAFO.

[jlt19]

Aug 5, 2024 21:36:54 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 5, 2024 17:13:20 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

I had a sinking feeling he wouldn't be long for this world and SS Survivor Death benefits would kick in. It took 8y. I get more w SSDB that I could have gotten via CS.

This is an interesting thing to know. One of the questions I have for my attorney is if STBX has enough life insurance, because I think the odds of him being gone before DD is 18 are decent and IMO he’s underinsured for his salary. He’s gainfully employed right now and I suppose if he were to really fall apart he might default on life insurance premiums and I wouldn’t get it in the end. Good to know we’d get SS benefits at least.

Based on the past 10 months (massive heat attack and increased suicidal threats), I’m in the same mindset.

I’m in a “unique” situation with this because I’m the one paying CS. So, usually I wouldn’t care if he stopped paying his life insurance premium, but we had secured return of premium, nearly 20 years ago (30 year term). So basically, if he stopped paying the $80/mo now, the last 20 years would be for nothing, but in a 10 years, he’ll get all of it back. I told him if he wanted to stop paying, fine, but I’m keeping the policy and I get the ROP. He didn’t like that, so he kept it, but I’m paying it (to make sure it’s paid) and it’s deducted from what I pay him monthly.

We’re also both changing the beneficiary to the same person (his sister) until we get a new trust set up, so it’s good we agree on that.

Ugh, I really need to find an estate attorney and get that all figured out while I still pay for the legal insurance through work.

[starburst604]

We just got our soccer and hockey tournament schedules for the fall and it’s raised some questions for me. Wondering if anyone deals with something similar with kids who play in a lot of sports tournaments.

There is a soccer tournament over Indigenous People’s Day weekend that I won’t be able to attend, I will be out of town. I had switched that weekend with STBX so I could go on this girl’s trip. This tournament is at the Cape and last year we stayed for two nights at the $$$$ hotel the rest of the team was staying at so the girls could have fun together at the pool and such in between games. It’s deep in the Cape so not really a drive you want to make back-and-forth in a day and games tend to be early.

The other tournament I’m wondering about is up in Vermont in November and it falls on STBX’s weekend. I would really like to go and I know there’s no way he won’t want to go as well, especially given it’s his weekend. I know he will suggest something ridiculous like we will all share a room with a pullout couch and I can sleep with DD but staying in a room with him is not an option for me.

Our agreement says that we have to split all extracurricular/sports costs 50/50. So would you take that to mean that when he takes her to the IP Weekend tournament that I can’t attend, I should be splitting the cost of the hotel with him? And if we both attend the one in Vermont, we each just pay for the cost of our own hotel room? I’m wondering if this is some thing we should get spelled out in more detail in our agreement because we have a lot of years of sports ahead of us and the tournaments never end.

I’m also thinking about asking a couple of the families that would be going to the November one if they would want to maybe rent a house. I don’t know if I would be OK staying in a big house separate from STBX though.

[bcv513]

starburst604, I would try to have that spelled out in as much detail as possible. Our agreement says that extracurriculars are split 50/50 "as long as both parties are in agreement." That last line is just stupid and XH has used it to weasel out of lots of things. We went to a competition in Florida for C's cheer team. He came, stayed in a different hotel 45 minutes away, and contributed nothing. I paid for C's plane ticket, the room in the required hotel, all meals, etc. Then he had the nerve to ask me for half of the money we got from the league fundraising!

[trytobearunner34]

starburst604,Not a situation we are in but given the fact he has demonstrated he can be unreasonable I would have as much spelled out in advance as possible.

A possible option that would cover the above is something like "Parents equally split cost of extracurricular event (i.e. entry fee, equipment, uniform). In the event lodging is required for an extracurricular event the cost of lodging is covered by the primary parent with whom the child is with at the time of the event. The other parent is responsible for his/her own lodging in a separate room/space/venue.".

As new events arise the next couple of years things are going to be interesting for sure!