A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[sadlebred]

sent I think it's also hard that the process of the divorce takes so long for some people. It always seems to be the husband that is holding it up.

I was lucky in GA as soon as you file-if the parties all agree to the terms-it can be as short as 30 days til the divorce is final. Mine was. We both wanted out. We had no assets other than the house, and I bought him out of that. Depending on the divorce agreement, he may have time to stay in the house after the divorce until he can procure another place to stay. My ex and I didn't talk, but when he was here at week 4 day 1 I called my attorney. Then he said his new place wasn't ready and showed me the lease agreement starting that weekend. Yep, he was gone that Sat. I tried to get a week's rent from him, but it would have cost me in too much PITA. I was just glad he was gone.

FWIW, I'm STILL finding his stuff 8 years later. I went through some photo albums last summer and found 4-5 of his pre-marriage ones. He got them that weekend when I threatened to throw them out. We don't talk. We aren't friends.

[starburst604]

sadlebred , when you initiate a divorce in MA, they assign a "14 month track", so that's the normal minimum and that's if you don't go to trial. For some it can be a little shorter if they can agree on most things, but we don't even have our first court date until November. The courts are still all backed up from 2020. So far we have been pretty agreeable on the divorce terms and we both want to avoid trial at all costs, so hopefully ours will be final on the sooner side. Even when you do go for that final hearing and they grant the divorce, you aren't actually considered legally divorced for another 90 days. It's all so weird. I've seen divorces around here drag out for YEARS if people can't agree on things. 

[rhian]

Just adding support for those of you in the thick of it now! I'm 9 years out from my divorce, and like others, I'm amazed at how different my life is and how much happier I am. It felt like my world was falling apart at the time, but I really am so much better off for it, and looking back, I don't know how I lived like that for so long.

For those worried about or feeling lonely, I'd encourage you to reach out to your support networks! For me, I was worried about weekday evenings, which were often spent with my ex. I was explicit with my friends that I might need some extra company and support at that time, and they really came through, even though weekday dinners were not our norm - accepting my invitations to come over or go out for dinner, inviting me over to hang out, etc. I really only felt like I needed this for a few weeks, but having my friends step up was so lovely and allowed me to see those initial weeks as about connecting more with them, not just me splitting up with a partner.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Another thing .. don't rush back into dating, ESPECIALLY if you're coming out of an abusive/DV marriage. The best thing I did for myself was be relationship free the first year after we split. That year allowed me to process all the feelings of the separation and get me into the right headspace to date again. When I did start dating again, the first guy I dated was my 'bridge' between my xh and the rest of my dating life. He was someone I had a good time with but didn't see a future with. I needed that bridge.

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 9, 2024 21:28:59 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

Life is good on the other side. Give yourself time to grieve. Get some professional help if you need it--nothing wrong with it! Even if it's just a neutral party to talk things through with. I went through my divorce utterly alone. It reminded me that I was strong. We didn't have kids, and it was 30 days from the day of filing that our divorce was final.

I would have loved a 30d filing to final. California has a 6 month waiting period. At 30d post filing I was still waiting for him to respond to my petition. News flash - he didn't, I took his default day 60+1.  I filed in 9/2014 and it was finalized 3/2018 (4d after what would have been our 11th wedding anniversary). 

The hardest part was the paperwork and getting everything right. I DIY'd it bc the hardest part, custody, had already been determined in the DVRO. Had I hired a lawyer, it probably would have been over much sooner but I didn't have the money for that. Instead I piecemealed it and once J and I got serious, I tied up the loose ends (who knew that you can't waive child support but marking it 'reserved' has the same affect). 

[CurlyQ284]

May 10, 2024 10:10:49 GMT -5 sent said:

They own homes with them which I didn't know you could be on a mortgage with someone without being legally married to them.

I know someone who bought a house with her fiance. The wedding was called off because she found out he was cheating. He refused to leave the house, so she left but he also refused to pay the mortgage so she was paying the mortgage for a house she wasn't living in to save her credit. I think she tried to get legal help but they said since they weren't married there wasn't much they could do to help her, she would have to try to refinance in one of their names with the bank, but I think they couldn't qualify on their own. She was a friend of a friend in another state, I didn't keep in touch with her but after hearing her story it sounds SO risky and would make me nervous.

[1confused1]

I’m not sure if this is a California thing, but I was awarded a bifurcation before the 6 month waiting period. It essentially terminated the marriage so I was no longer tied to him financially. It may be an option for some of you, if it is offered in your state.

[mcmel]

How fitting. My H and I just separated last night.

I’ve been planning to leave and he discovered me talking about it in text messages to a friend. He told me that he also wants out.

I’ve had it planned for so long. I’ve looked forward to it. But now that it’s here my heart is shattered into a trillion pieces and I can’t stop sobbing.

This is so hard.

[starburst604]

I just got the invoice from my attorney for the last month of services. $2700 🤮🤮🤮 That’s basically just for getting a temporary stipulation in place for how parenting time will work and what each of us are responsible for financially from when he moves out next week until the house is sold in late June.

[starburst604]

Oh mcmel I am so sorry you are here. Even though it's what you wanted, it doesn't make it easy. I had NO idea I would feel all the things I have been feeling. I hope you have family and friends you can turn to right now, and we are here for you!

[sent]

CurlyQ284 , that is so interesting and makes complete sense. The housing market is so insane now which probably doesn't make it easier to get out.

[sarahsays]

I'll echo the other divorced women here. I didn't even have a "bad" marriage, just one that wasn't very good, but four years out, I am happier than I ever thought possible.

I have no doubt that all of you will also be much happier on the other side of this too!

[blondemoment123]

May 10, 2024 12:03:25 GMT -5 mcmel said:

How fitting. My H and I just separated last night.

I’ve been planning to leave and he discovered me talking about it in text messages to a friend. He told me that he also wants out.

I’ve had it planned for so long. I’ve looked forward to it. But now that it’s here my heart is shattered into a trillion pieces and I can’t stop sobbing.

This is so hard.

I feel this! I wanted this and initiated it. It's the right thing for all involved.But my heart is still broken. Sending hugs and commiseration.

[trytobearunner34]

May 10, 2024 8:35:34 GMT -5 nospaekae said:

I filed because he couldn't even seem to work up the ability to do that. Just another piece of emotional labor I've had to take on. I think he's dealing with some depression/midlife crisis stuff. He has completely checked out of not only our relationship, but also life in general. No desire to get help. He wants a relationship like he had in his 20s with "passion and spark." Completely ignoring the fact that you have to work towards those things in a long term relationship. 

Are we married to the same man?  This part is my husband almost to a T.  He puts little effort into so many elements of his life as though he expects things like happiness, fulfillment, and passion to simply materialize on their own or be gifted to him by others.  It's mind boggling! 

[trytobearunner34]

May 10, 2024 8:43:49 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 10, 2024 4:34:49 GMT -5 trytobearunner34 said:

There are so many similarities in our situation! DD is 9 and has always been very invested in us being a family and I know she's going to start struggling once he moves out next week. While my personal interactions with STBX are up and down, for the most part the actual legal process and division of things is going well. We haven't argued over who is keeping what, he is being pretty fair to me financially, and we agreed on a co-parenting schedule pretty easily. I also anticipate that he is going to leave a ton of shit behind when he moves, and my plan is to put it in a pile in our garage and let him know that if he doesn't get it before the next trash day, it's going on the curb. While I'll be the sole occupant of the house once he moves, he's allowed to come by in the mornings to put DD on the bus so I can leave for work on time. That gives him plenty of opportunity to take his stuff. I have my own packing and purging to do and I'm not going to keep tripping over his crap. 

(((Hugs))) to you and your daughter during this time of major transition.  

I'm glad division of assets has gone well!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that he is able to be a grown up and do what is needed with his own possessions!

[starburst604]

May 10, 2024 15:08:17 GMT -5 trytobearunner34 said:

May 10, 2024 8:35:34 GMT -5 nospaekae said:

I filed because he couldn't even seem to work up the ability to do that. Just another piece of emotional labor I've had to take on. I think he's dealing with some depression/midlife crisis stuff. He has completely checked out of not only our relationship, but also life in general. No desire to get help. He wants a relationship like he had in his 20s with "passion and spark." Completely ignoring the fact that you have to work towards those things in a long term relationship. 

Are we married to the same man?  This part is my husband almost to a T.  He puts little effort into so many elements of his life as though he expects things like happiness, fulfillment, and passion to simply materialize on their own or be gifted to him by others.  It's mind boggling! 

I call my STBX Bare Minimum Tim lol. He puts the literal bare minimum into just about everything except his job and even that has been slacking lately. Why would I have passionate desire for a man I've basically had to parent and pick up the slack for our entire marriage? 

[sadlebred]

May 10, 2024 10:49:01 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

sadlebred , when you initiate a divorce in MA, they assign a "14 month track", so that's the normal minimum and that's if you don't go to trial. For some it can be a little shorter if they can agree on most things, but we don't even have our first court date until November. The courts are still all backed up from 2020. So far we have been pretty agreeable on the divorce terms and we both want to avoid trial at all costs, so hopefully ours will be final on the sooner side. Even when you do go for that final hearing and they grant the divorce, you aren't actually considered legally divorced for another 90 days. It's all so weird. I've seen divorces around here drag out for YEARS if people can't agree on things. 

I'm really sorry! 14 months sounds terrible. It was about 60 days for us total--30d to do the paperwork my attorney provided and decide how to divide up the furniture and non-assets. It came down to you take what you brought; I take what I brought & paid for during the marriage (ie most of the nice furniture). I paid him a small sum to buy him out of the house. It cost me about $16,000ish total to get out of my marriage. Him $0. He had an attorney friend look over the paperwork my attorney provided. She said it looked good. Mine filed...court was quick here. 30 days is not the norm; it's the Georgia minimum. Working in our favor were no kids, no assets, and agreeing to everything up front.

[starburst604]

May 10, 2024 15:48:39 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

May 10, 2024 10:49:01 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

sadlebred , when you initiate a divorce in MA, they assign a "14 month track", so that's the normal minimum and that's if you don't go to trial. For some it can be a little shorter if they can agree on most things, but we don't even have our first court date until November. The courts are still all backed up from 2020. So far we have been pretty agreeable on the divorce terms and we both want to avoid trial at all costs, so hopefully ours will be final on the sooner side. Even when you do go for that final hearing and they grant the divorce, you aren't actually considered legally divorced for another 90 days. It's all so weird. I've seen divorces around here drag out for YEARS if people can't agree on things. 

I'm really sorry! 14 months sounds terrible. It was about 60 days for us total--30d to do the paperwork my attorney provided and decide how to divide up the furniture and non-assets. It came down to you take what you brought; I take what I brought & paid for during the marriage (ie most of the nice furniture). I paid him a small sum to buy him out of the house. It cost me about $16,000ish total to get out of my marriage. Him $0. He had an attorney friend look over the paperwork my attorney provided. She said it looked good. Mine filed...court was quick here. 30 days is not the norm; it's the Georgia minimum. Working in our favor were no kids, no assets, and agreeing to everything up front.

There is another faster option, if everything is agreed-upon in advance like with a mediator, you can draw up the whole agreement and submit to the court and then once they give you a hearing you go in to have it finalized. That’s what H did with his first marriage, they had no kids and just a home that they agreed on how to divide. without option, the court has no record of the divorce until you file that agreement. Unfortunately, this wasn’t an option for me.

[Aloe Vera]

I have been divorced for 12 years now (wow, time flies!). It was SO hard at the time. And I lost a few good friends because our lives became totally different. I was divorced and looking to date and they were starting to have babies.
12 years later and I am hapilly married again, I have 2 kids and my career blossomed (I quit a nice career to go live with the ex-H and couldn'd find a good job where we were).

I don't know if it happens to other divorcees but I dream about my ex-H often. The dreams are weird because I know we aren't together. I know we are separated. I hate it and I wish it would stop. We didn't have kids together so once we were divorced, we went on with our lives.

[ax2]

It feels weird to “Like” all the posts in here, but I relate so hard to all of them. Man, adulting is rough sometimes.

[nospaekae]

May 10, 2024 15:17:31 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 10, 2024 15:08:17 GMT -5 trytobearunner34 said:

Are we married to the same man?  This part is my husband almost to a T.  He puts little effort into so many elements of his life as though he expects things like happiness, fulfillment, and passion to simply materialize on their own or be gifted to him by others.  It's mind boggling! 

I call my STBX Bare Minimum Tim lol. He puts the literal bare minimum into just about everything except his job and even that has been slacking lately. Why would I have passionate desire for a man I've basically had to parent and pick up the slack for our entire marriage? 

When the dust settles I'm curious to see if they get a rude awakening or if they just keep on keeping on.

One thing that therapy has helped reflect on and realize is that it isn't just our relationship that he has put the bare minimum into, but all his relationships with other family and friends. I wonder how it's all going to pan out for him.

[campermom]

I might not remember the poster who said it but when I separated in Oct 2020 and was so depressed that Christmas, she said the next Christmas would be so much better one year later. She was right and life kept shining better each year after that. I’ve had some hard times due to modification attempts but at the end of the day I have zero regrets about the divorce and am a better happier person now.

[rupertpenny]

deleted

[wildrice]

May 10, 2024 16:05:39 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

I have been divorced for 12 years now (wow, time flies!). It was SO hard at the time. And I lost a few good friends because our lives became totally different. I was divorced and looking to date and they were starting to have babies.
12 years later and I am hapilly married again, I have 2 kids and my career blossomed (I quit a nice career to go live with the ex-H and couldn'd find a good job where we were).

I don't know if it happens to other divorcees but I dream about my ex-H often. The dreams are weird because I know we aren't together. I know we are separated. I hate it and I wish it would stop. We didn't have kids together so once we were divorced, we went on with our lives.

Yes, although the frequency is much less frequent as years go on. The most common theme is that I am stuck with XH for whatever reason, but want to be with my H. It's both frustrating and validating that my subconscious always picks my H!

I would rather just forget that XH existed, though.

[starburst604]

May 10, 2024 18:25:52 GMT -5 wildrice said:

May 10, 2024 16:05:39 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

I have been divorced for 12 years now (wow, time flies!). It was SO hard at the time. And I lost a few good friends because our lives became totally different. I was divorced and looking to date and they were starting to have babies.
12 years later and I am hapilly married again, I have 2 kids and my career blossomed (I quit a nice career to go live with the ex-H and couldn'd find a good job where we were).

I don't know if it happens to other divorcees but I dream about my ex-H often. The dreams are weird because I know we aren't together. I know we are separated. I hate it and I wish it would stop. We didn't have kids together so once we were divorced, we went on with our lives.

Yes, although the frequency is much less frequent as years go on. The most common theme is that I am stuck with XH for whatever reason, but want to be with my H. It's both frustrating and validating that my subconscious always picks my H!

I would rather just forget that XH existed, though.

It’s been 20 years since my relationship with my ex-fiancé ended and from time to time I’ll still have dreams where I’m somehow in a relationship with him and I know I don’t want to be and I spend the whole dream trying to figure a way out. It’s gotten much less frequent over the years and I imagine his spot in my dreams will get taken over by STBX soon enough.

[trytobearunner34]

May 10, 2024 15:17:31 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

[Why would I have passionate desire for a man I've basically had to parent and pick up the slack for our entire marriage? 

💯this !

[trytobearunner34]

When the dust settles I'm curious to see if they get a rude awakening or if they just keep on keeping on.

One thing that therapy has helped reflect on and realize is that it isn't just our relationship that he has put the bare minimum into, but all his relationships with other family and friends. I wonder how it's all going to pan out for him.[/quote]


I wonder this too! I am basically my husband’s only friend. He tells our daughter stories about “friends” but they are often frat brothers he hasn’t seen in 25 years and just follows on social media. He only really talks to his mom and one aunt and that is usually in regard to their health. I was curious to see if the separation would spark a change in him, but based on what I’ve seen it really hasn’t. He just lives the same life he lived here in a dark apartment with a living room full of boxes 🤦‍♀️.

[campermom]

trytobearunner34 starburst604 nospaekae my ExH was similar w the bare minimum but the divorce brought out spite and a sense of desperation in him that has resulted in some really extreme behaviors.

He quickly found a supply and got remarried. There were no friends from his side at his wedding. He has seemingly rekindled a relationship with his toxic mother he never wanted to be near, before. It sounds very surface level. He has a brother and SIL that he has secured a stronger relationship with, mostly bc he doesn’t know what to do w the kids during parenting time, and spending time w the family creates a buffer.

His family has no idea he took my back to court, for legal (but not physical) custody, likely bc his new wife needed to believe she wasn’t marrying a deadbeat. His family has no idea he unknowingly monitored my texts from an device he confiscated from my kids and set up to have my texts forwarded to it, and spent close to a year watching me, they don’t know he wrote anonymous letters to places I go in my community about me. They don’t know he went through my garbage cans. He tells them only what he wants them to know. They don’t know the lengths he takes to create discord in our lives. I cut contact w them because they are his people and I’m not part of that dynamic any longer. They won’t want to hear what he does.

My kids say he and his wife argue all the time in the little bit of time they visit him.

My older child no longer wants to go. At 15 and entering drivers Ed, this is going to be an issue very soon. My middle is questioning some things being set up as emotional manipulation. Both older kids are commenting that dad says they have to visit and be nice to new spouse bc she might pay for their college.

Mine is bare minimum, but also very disordered. This is the extreme.

But overall, bare minimum men often find another woman quickly to do their parenting, their fight for custody or rights (even when they don’t even want it themselves), their kin keeping, their mental load, and their unpaid domestic labor at home.

[ssmjlm]

FWIW - BIL’s ex wife is like a lot of the men in this thread and it has affected her children a lot. One suffered a breakdown after his own marriage ended and he ended up hospitalized.

They do see it. Sometimes they’re just too young to realize the effects until they’re adults.

It breaks my heart that her two older boys suffered so much.

[kaneen]

I’ve been divorced for 24 years and still periodically dream about my Ex. Like others in the dream I’m with him but know I don’t want to be. I often wonder what unresolved emotion I’m trying to resolve when I have that dream.