A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[bcv513]

starburst604, I totally get it. Losing the house was harder than losing the husband. I fell in love with the house when I first saw it and I wanted to spend the rest of my life in it. This is weird, but I never had a swing set as a kid and I made sure to get a nice one for C. Leaving that behind broke me.

deadwing, it's actually out of my way to go by it, which makes it even worse. Where I live now is closer to school, work and my parents. I would literally go the opposite way to drive by the house. It was just bad.

[starburst604]

May 14, 2024 11:09:21 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604 , I totally get it. Losing the house was harder than losing the husband. I fell in love with the house when I first saw it and I wanted to spend the rest of my life in it. This is weird, but I never had a swing set as a kid and I made sure to get a nice one for C. Leaving that behind broke me.

deadwing , it's actually out of my way to go by it, which makes it even worse. Where I live now is closer to school, work and my parents. I would literally go the opposite way to drive by the house. It was just bad.

The house was the biggest mental hurdle I had to to get over to arrive at the decision to divorce, especially since it's barely been a year since we moved in. I too thought I'd spend at least the next 15-20 years there, if not my lifetime. I've put my heart and soul into making it a beautiful home. I wanted a nice yard for DD and as a bonus the cul de sac behind us is full of kids that she just runs over to play with after school every day. For an only child, this has been such a great thing for her. One boy who is her age has become her best friend and they are both devastated she's moving. She'll have no yard at all in either of our places and no idea if there are kids around. I just hate feeling like we gave her this great thing and quickly had to snatch it away from her. It just makes me hate him that he could never be the family man we needed to keep these things in our lives. 

[mcmel]

May 14, 2024 9:15:47 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

mcmel how are things going for you?

Thanks for asking. We’ve had the most vulnerable, in-depth conversations, really tackling so many aspects of the break down of our marriage and what we should have/could have done to prevent it. It’s been so heavy and so emotional but I’m hoping it provides closure to us and can help our future relationships.

We were having a deep conversation last night and one thing led to another and we slept together. It was so fun and exciting, for the first time in months.

Tonight I’m going to tell him that I had a blast and don’t regret it at all, but the reason it happened was only because we are separated. That I enjoy the closeness to him, because we’ve been together for 16 years, since I was 17 years old, but that we still need to live apart in order for us to really learn about ourselves. If he stays at the house, we will only settle back into our old ways. I believe it will be received well, but it’s still probably tough to hear. I hope he has the same feeling of still wanting to move out though.

I’m so sorry about move out day. I imagine it’s devastating, no matter how things have gone.

[jlt19]

PSA for anyone not in the thick of it yet, look into your work benefits for legal insurance. My divorce (uncontested) only cost me court fees and took 30 days from filing. Total of 2.5 months from talking to the attorney and being final. I never stepped foot in a courtroom, just the attorneys office to sign with the notary one time. Guess Missouri gets that right at least…

Other than that, I feel like XH is in the same place we were when we separated. Anytime I agree to any kind of conversation, he takes it as a possibility of reconciliation. I need to stop that, I know. Just hard since he had a heart attack literally days after the divorce was final.

Other than that, the loneliness has pretty much gone away, but still zero desire to even think about dating anyone, ever.

[blondemoment123]

STBXH is keeping the house. I loved my house, but all things considered its the right thing to do.

[sadlebred]

Here's a funny story to lighten things and give a little chuckle.

Moving out of my house: He brought his girlfriend's horse trailer to move his stuff. LOL! The neighbor thought it was hilarious. I made sure to be gone for several hours that morning. We'd agreed in advance what he would take. He only took one glicee (art) that we didn't agree to. He left the one I liked better. I am STILL finding his stuff EIGHT years later. I text him to come get it within the week/porch pick up or it gets tossed.

[starburst604]

Here’s a funny one from today. I ended up stopping by his place on the way from hockey practice since we were driving by it. He took one of our TVs with the Firestick still in it. He asked if I would look at it since he couldn’t pull up any streaming. I said he’d need to connect it to his WiFi. Blank stare from him and “oh, I didn’t think about needing to get internet”. Just in case you doubted that I did every single thing for this man child for 10 years.

[dancingnancy]

May 14, 2024 20:21:54 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Here’s a funny one from today. I ended up stopping by his place on the way from hockey practice since we were driving by it. He took one of our TVs with the Firestick still in it. He asked if I would look at it since he couldn’t pull up any streaming. I said he’d need to connect it to his WiFi. Blank stare from him and “oh, I didn’t think about needing to get internet”. Just in case you doubted that I did every single thing for this man child for 10 years.

I can’t remember how long after he moved out this happened, but XH asked me if DD danced or hopped up and down on my toilet seat. When I asked him what the hell he was talking about he said he’d had to replace the toilet seat because it kept getting loose and breaking.

Me: “well you’ve been tightening the screws haven’t you?”

Him: “…..the screws?”

They are totally hopeless.

[konapoppy]

Not realizing you need internet in the year 2024

😳😳😳

😬😬😬

😭😭😭

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[googled]

Bless each and every one of you.

I have so many emotions reading all these, and I just want you all to know you’re badass.

That is all.

[puppyluv]

May 14, 2024 11:09:21 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604, I totally get it. Losing the house was harder than losing the husband. I fell in love with the house when I first saw it and I wanted to spend the rest of my life in it.

This part here really hits hard and I dont think I have really talked to anyone about that specifically. I loved our house so much. It had everything I wanted and I could have lived there forever.

Selling the house crushed me. I could see the end with him coming and was able to handle those emotions. but actually losing the house and that security was so much more real than anything else. I’ll never be able to have a place like that again or probably even own in this city. It really sucks

[starburst604]

May 14, 2024 21:40:28 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Not realizing you need internet in the year 2024

😳😳😳

😬😬😬

😭😭😭

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wait till he finds out he needs to subscribe to his own Netflix/Hulu/million other streaming channels because he sure as shit isn’t going to keep using mine. 😂

When I woke up today I had a jarring thought: I cannot think of a single thing I “need” him for. Nothing. There is nothing I’m doing with him gone that I wasn’t before. If I said that to him he’d get all blustery and say well you NEED my money/child support etc. Isn’t it kind of a sad thing when all someone needs is your money? #deepthoughts

[ssmjlm]

May 15, 2024 6:23:49 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 14, 2024 21:40:28 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Not realizing you need internet in the year 2024

😳😳😳

😬😬😬

😭😭😭

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wait till he finds out he needs to subscribe to his own Netflix/Hulu/million other streaming channels because he sure as shit isn’t going to keep using mine. 😂

When I woke up today I had a jarring thought: I cannot think of a single thing I “need” him for. Nothing. There is nothing I’m doing with him gone that I wasn’t before. If I said that to him he’d get all blustery and say well you NEED my money/child support etc. Isn’t it kind of a sad thing when all someone needs is your money? #deepthoughts

If the firestick is on your amazon account, make sure to deactivate it. So it's basically "new" when he finally does get internet.


Wonder what the girlfriend thought about that.

[blondemoment123]

May 15, 2024 6:23:49 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 14, 2024 21:40:28 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Not realizing you need internet in the year 2024

😳😳😳

😬😬😬

😭😭😭

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wait till he finds out he needs to subscribe to his own Netflix/Hulu/million other streaming channels because he sure as shit isn’t going to keep using mine. 😂

When I woke up today I had a jarring thought: I cannot think of a single thing I “need” him for. Nothing. There is nothing I’m doing with him gone that I wasn’t before. If I said that to him he’d get all blustery and say well you NEED my money/child support etc. Isn’t it kind of a sad thing when all someone needs is your money? #deepthoughts

This is a wonderful revelation!

[dancingnancy]

May 15, 2024 6:23:49 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 14, 2024 21:40:28 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

Not realizing you need internet in the year 2024

😳😳😳

😬😬😬

😭😭😭

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wait till he finds out he needs to subscribe to his own Netflix/Hulu/million other streaming channels because he sure as shit isn’t going to keep using mine. 😂

When I woke up today I had a jarring thought: I cannot think of a single thing I “need” him for. Nothing. There is nothing I’m doing with him gone that I wasn’t before. If I said that to him he’d get all blustery and say well you NEED my money/child support etc. Isn’t it kind of a sad thing when all someone needs is your money? #deepthoughts

Yes! And this revelation is how you will get to the place where you are happier than ever!!

[whattheheck]

I’m happy for everyone who is several years past the initial separation and doing well and has moved on. I married in 2002, separated/filed for divorce in 2010, finally divorced in 2012. And yet here I sit in the parking lot of the courthouse because he is bringing me to court AGAIN for some perceived injustice. I’m so over it and just wish he was too.

[starburst604]

whattheheck I'm sorry you're still dealing with that!!! WTF is his problem??

[AdaraMarie]

starburst604 Please be really careful with what you put in your custody arrangement. It is very difficult to prove that your kid is unsafe or to change the status quo in custody arrangements. I knew for sure my kid was unsafe and cps was called several times but I could never prove anything. Her injuries were determined to be "accidental" or they couldn't prove it wasn't when he said it was. The social worker said she was sure that there was emotional abuse but they couldn't prove it or recommend removal. And when I filed with my lawyer for even a temporary change in custoday after my x was put on supervised visitation during the second investigation, it was thrown out because the judge said to let cps make the determination. And because cps signed off as it being "safe" for her to be there I had nothing left to stand on.

Thankfully in my case covid and his second divorce reset things to where he doesn't even try to see them on school days, is every other weekend only without going through the court, but it was really bad for a while.

[Aloe Vera]

whattheheck What?! Do you have children together? What does he want 12 years later? His lawyer must love him.

This kind of reminds me of my divorce. Ex-H and I had agreed on everything before we hired lawyers. His lawyer told him he didn't have to do any of it. His lawyer requested a 3-hour meeting with my lawyer to "discuss and come to a new agreement". They would be in a separate room and not see me. OK. After 1 hour, my lawyer told me they wouldn't change their minds: I would get nothing and my only option was to accept it. I was fuming. Why request a meeting if you had no intention of negotiating? Since I wasn't on bad terms with my ex-H, when he came to the house to get more things I told him his lawyer was an AH. All this "meeting" did was cost us lawyer's fees. This could have been avoided. I think he realized what his lawyer did and he agreed to everything we had talked about. But WTF? 

[sent]

What AdaraMarie described is how things would likely proceed in my situation too. That it is nearly impossible to remove the father from his rights/visitation no matter how much of a degenerate he is or how miserable the kids are. Emotional and verbal abuse are just not a thing as long as they remember to order a pizza and turn on the heat for the kids.

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Married in 2010, filed in 2021, finalized in 2022. He spent 3 years going back and forth between me and the receptionist at his job until he decided he wanted a divorce. It was pretty easy, we agreed on division of everything and kept things friendly. Since the divorce I have lost 130 pounds, gotten a bachelor's degree, had a promotion, completely redone my house inside and out, and formed closer relationships to my family, friends and his sisters. I just got a tummy tuck a few weeks ago and am going to visit my SIL and nieces in Florida, hitting up Vegas and going to Maine with my mom for the first time all in the next 5 months.

I did have an amiable relationship with him and a close one with his parents after the divorce until last month when his girlfriend/ex side piece decided to send me a snarky text after I asked him for a favor while I was out of town (had an unexpected storm possibly coming and my backup snow dude was unavailable so I asked if he could snowblow my driveway as he knew how the blower worked) and his parents didn't see the problem with "drawing boundaries in her relationship." So I cut them all off.

I love my life right now. I never want to marry again, and I cannot imagine sharing my space with someone. My house has become a sanctuary for me. I'm not dating either, and don't plan to. I'm perfectly content being the fun, cat lady aunt who spoils her nieces and nephews.

[blondemoment123]

I'm getting my confidence back. I didn't realize how anxious I was in every part of my life simply because I never knew what version of STBXH I would come home to.

[starburst604]

Nugget T. Brain, The OG I'll help you hide the body if you'll help me back!!! Grrrrr. I love hearing how you've been living your best life since the divorce though.

DD spent her first night at STBX's new place last night. We hadn't planned on her staying there during the week until school got out, but she asked to so we went with it. Of course he took the opportunity to emotionally manipulate me and tell me she was struggling at bedtime because "We're getting divorced and she's a train wreck. We need to be better for her. She's paramount." I asked him how "we" need to be better exactly and he replied "Just don't be a creature of habit. You have a daughter now and you're a role model." I kept asking if she was ok but he was stonewalling me and then I asked him to have her call me. We talked and she seemed ok. This morning when he brought her home to get on the bus, she came up to my room and we were chatting about her night. She wasn't even upset about divorce stuff, it was because they were watching tv in the common area of his building and she went back to the apartment to get a snack. But she couldn't get back to where he was because she didn't have the key. Then she got turned around in the building and was lost and started to panic. Eventually he came looking for her and found her. That absolute asshole.

[starburst604]

May 17, 2024 7:06:06 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm getting my confidence back. I didn't realize how anxious I was in every part of my life simply because I never knew what version of STBXH I would come home to.

I saw a quote last night that hit me so hard. "You deserve a calm love with somebody who's good for your mental health. Somebody who brings out your soft side, not your survival side." Wow. I never considered how much of who I was in our marriage was in response to his chaos. I was always in survival mode, having to be always be rigid and organized, always cleaning up after the literal and figurative messes he made. It's mind blowing. 

[blondemoment123]

May 17, 2024 9:13:07 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 17, 2024 7:06:06 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm getting my confidence back. I didn't realize how anxious I was in every part of my life simply because I never knew what version of STBXH I would come home to.

I saw a quote last night that hit me so hard. "You deserve a calm love with somebody who's good for your mental health. Somebody who brings out your soft side, not your survival side." Wow. I never considered how much of who I was in our marriage was in response to his chaos. I was always in survival mode, having to be always be rigid and organized, always cleaning up after the literal and figurative messes he made. It's mind blowing. 

This absolutely hits home.

[lavenderblue]

It really is crazy how exponentially better my life is without exH around. I always "knew" that he never did anything around the house, but having actually proof of that now that he's gone is crazy. I literally have LESS to do now that he's gone because I'm not constantly cleaning up after him. The best part is that my bed no longer smells. He never showered and our sheets always stunk, even after washing I could never get his stench out. I bought all new sheets after he moved it and it's been amazing. I'm less stressed, my kids are less stressed, even my dogs are less stressed.

[starburst604]

lavenderblue I could never keep our sheets clean looking because STBX sweat so much and they always got yellow looking. I told him to keep the bed, sheets, duvet, alllll of it. That was one thing I wanted to start completely fresh with. Now my sheets will stay nice and my bed won't always look like someone was fighting for their life in the sheets from all his tossing around.

It already feels like I have so much less to do at home now as well. I already did everything but now his mess isn't in the mix anymore. It's SO much less stressful!

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 17, 2024 7:06:06 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm getting my confidence back. I didn't realize how anxious I was in every part of my life simply because I never knew what version of STBXH I would come home to.

So much this !!!  It was as if a switch flipped in me. The difference was night and day and yes people noticed. Needless to say, divorce agreed with me. 

[FrankieM20]

This thread is giving me life! I am just now starting to talk about leaving my marriage in therapy but as you know it’s taken many, many years to get here. The hardest part will be telling my husband and even though things are bad he will be shocked and heartbroken. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. It is going to be very messy covered in so much anger.

My MIL took our dog in last fall and omg she is like a totally different dog now living in a calm house. I look at her and man I want that too. I’m gaining more confidence in myself now that my kids are a bit older (5 and 6). I just want to be happy.

If anyone has words of wisdom, advice, or anything else I am all ears. I’m not sure when I’ll gather enough courage to tell him, but hopefully it’s in this next year or sooner. The tip about legal insurance is amazing! I have not yet spoken with a lawyer.

Thinking of everyone in this thread and gaining so much inspiration from those of you further ahead in the process. Huge hugs to everyone.

[starburst604]

FrankieM20 making the decision and telling STBX were the hardest parts for me, so far anyway. Well, telling DD was awful and hard but in a different way. Once you make the decision and find the right attorney, they will be there to back you when it's time to tell him. Knowing I had my attorney in my corner was so helpful for me. She had prepared me to take whatever steps needed if he got out of control and checked in with me during that time. It's only been a few days of STBX being out of the house, but I can't tell you the sense of peace that I feel in my home now. Like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and have a future I can be excited for.