A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[scm1011]

Aug 12, 2024 13:15:12 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I opened my big mouth with XMIL this weekend. It was XH's weekend with C but it was also my birthday. He was nice enough to offer to let me keep her Friday and Saturday if he could have her the Friday and Saturday of his birthday. I said of course. When I went to drop C off, XH wasn't home. His mom came out and got C. She wished me a happy birthday and I thanked her. Then in this sickeningly sweet voice she said "XH will be home soon. He's out on a date. Does it bother you that he's out on a date?" Guys. Without even thinking I said "No not at all. It bothered me when he dated while we were married, but it doesn't bother me now." XMIL sputtered and huffed and I just said "Have a great night" and drove away.

AMAZING.

[lust2hart]

bcv513, that's fantastic. Did she know he messed around while you were married?

[sometimesrunner]

Aug 12, 2024 13:15:12 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I opened my big mouth with XMIL this weekend. It was XH's weekend with C but it was also my birthday. He was nice enough to offer to let me keep her Friday and Saturday if he could have her the Friday and Saturday of his birthday. I said of course. When I went to drop C off, XH wasn't home. His mom came out and got C. She wished me a happy birthday and I thanked her. Then in this sickeningly sweet voice she said "XH will be home soon. He's out on a date. Does it bother you that he's out on a date?" Guys. Without even thinking I said "No not at all. It bothered me when he dated while we were married, but it doesn't bother me now." XMIL sputtered and huffed and I just said "Have a great night" and drove away.

This is GOLD!!!!!! 

[starburst604]

bcv513 ok that is some GREAT thinking on your feet!! That's the kind of thing I would wish I had said as I drove away. Oh well XMIL; play stupid games, win stupid prizes!

I had mentioned I have a new divorced mom friend (A) who lives in STBX's building. Well that is of course now creating a problem with him. When DD called me while I was out with her Saturday night, she asked who I was with and I told her I was having some dinner with A. She apparently repeated that to him or he was listening in. Yesterday he told me we needed to discuss that and I said I don't see why we do. I don't hang out with her at his building (although I did once when he was out of town and she invited me and DD to go swimming at the pool there). After I said that, he wrote "I'm sure you had all nice things to say. Cut the shit. Stay with your kind." I replied that I wasn't hanging out with her to make him mad, that we have a lot in common and if he's going to be mad I can't control that.

Him "ya ok. You have nothing in common with her other than divorce and what you're delusional about. I've kept quiet out of respect about our situation and the truth. Not anymore." I replied that I was done discussing this and he continued with his usual narcissist's list of weird, fake grievances. Then of course this morning he texts that he hates that we had that argument last night. WE did not have an argument. You, sir, decided to launch an attack on me because you want to control not only who I hang out with, but who this poor woman in your building hangs out with now! I haven't heard back from my attorney from last week when I told her I want to start using the court monitored app. I don't know if she/his attorney need to be involved in setting that up or what, but it needs to happen yesterday.

[bcv513]

starburst604, what a jerk! What does "stay with your kind" even mean? He can't bear the thought of this woman knowing the truth

[bcv513]

Aug 12, 2024 13:27:36 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

bcv513 , that's fantastic. Did she know he messed around while you were married?

I doubt it, but she sure does now lol.

[starburst604]

Aug 12, 2024 14:05:24 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604, what a jerk! What does "stay with your kind" even mean? He can't bear the thought of this woman knowing the truth

I have no idea what that or anything he wrote means. He HATES people thinking he’s a bad person and he is always the victim.

[sparkythelawyer]

Aug 12, 2024 14:16:23 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 12, 2024 14:05:24 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604 , what a jerk! What does "stay with your kind" even mean? He can't bear the thought of this woman knowing the truth

I have no idea what that or anything he wrote means. He HATES people thinking he’s a bad person and he is always the victim.

"Stay with your kind."

Last I checked, this friend is also a human being, my dude...

And Fuck his Fucking Face. 

[starburst604]

Aug 12, 2024 15:25:17 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Aug 12, 2024 14:16:23 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I have no idea what that or anything he wrote means. He HATES people thinking he’s a bad person and he is always the victim.

"Stay with your kind."

Last I checked, this friend is also a human being, my dude...

And Fuck his Fucking Face. 

According to him my friends are sluts and losers, so that was the implication of what "my kind" is. He's deranged. 

[sparkythelawyer]

Aug 12, 2024 15:26:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 12, 2024 15:25:17 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

"Stay with your kind."

Last I checked, this friend is also a human being, my dude...

And Fuck his Fucking Face. 

According to him my friends are sluts and losers, so that was the implication of what "my kind" is. He's deranged. 

Whelp, to quote the singer Randy Travis, "A better class of losers suits me fine." 

He can go all the way to hell.

[mommyatty]

starburst604- to quote an old mentor of mine, “Fuck that fucking fucker.”

[TR]

starburst604 - why are you even engaging with him over this friend? Just ignore him.

[starburst604]

Aug 12, 2024 15:44:38 GMT -5 TR said:

starburst604 - why are you even engaging with him over this friend? Just ignore him.

I'm not anymore, this was a 5 minute conversation over text last night that started when we were discussing something related to DD. I replied 3 times, last text being that I was done discussing it, and the rest was just him having his lunatic meltdown monologue. Sometimes I'll reply very minimally just to show that I'm attempting to have an adult discussion, and without he fail he just loses his shit. 

[campermom]

Aug 12, 2024 15:40:48 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

starburst604- to quote an old mentor of mine, “Fuck that fucking fucker.”

I just cackled on the beach at club med Cancun in my bikini with my hot boyfriend, at this one.

[jlt19]

Aug 12, 2024 15:49:30 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 12, 2024 15:44:38 GMT -5 TR said:

starburst604 - why are you even engaging with him over this friend? Just ignore him.

I'm not anymore, this was a 5 minute conversation over text last night that started when we were discussing something related to DD. I replied 3 times, last text being that I was done discussing it, and the rest was just him having his lunatic meltdown monologue. Sometimes I'll reply very minimally just to show that I'm attempting to have an adult discussion, and without he fail he just loses his shit. 

I get this. It’s so hard because they can be normal for weeks and then out of nowhere either go on about how sorry they are or go off about how horrible you are.

I haven’t resorted to an app, but we do now use my sister as a “middle man” and it’s worked out for the most part. Except he is no longer getting the sympathy he thought he would so ignored her half the time. But also he hasn’t had a kid for over a month, so not much to communicate about I suppose.

[starburst604]

@jtl19 why hasn’t he had the kids?!

[sent]

Aug 12, 2024 13:07:20 GMT -5 livinitup said:

This may not be helpful:

sent. I want to refer your H to intensive therapy for “how not to be an AH” because he really, really needs it. What kind of asshole packs those items into those bags for a family vacation with that many transfers?? On what planet does someone just expect, literally EXPECT his child/wife/other people to mind them, manage them, look after them, etc. Who doesn’t see all of this coming, anticipate it all? He can anticipate looking fancy in super duper expensive clothes and anticipate (in a delusional way) people thinking he’s the shit with a designer label bag. He can pluck special rules out of thin air that only apply to him like extra carryon bags on a plane. Is he an orphan from the planet Asshole where this asshole behavior is normal? Like how Superman is a normal person on the planet Krypton? He can jump really high and see through things only because he is on earth. Would this guy be normal on his home planet but is just SuperAsshole because he’s on earth with us?

I do sometimes wonder if it’s possible to rehabilitate someone as delusional and deeply broken as him or not. Not for me but for the kids. I know he occasionally has had moments that he did/said the wrong thing or acted the wrong way but clearly he hasn’t really acted on those momentary lapses of normalcy to better himself.

I saw a reel that many of his behaviors are what one would expect if they were not shown love as a child. It was bizarre that it popped up because it wasn’t this content creator’s usual shtick. The obsession with owning name brand expensive stuff was not there when we got married so it blindsides me every time it crops up like this and he uses it to make me look like the crazy one. It’s definitely filling in for some kind of void in his life. And you’re exactly right, he’s fishing for those comments from strangers of how he looks so stylish. He is over the moon when he gets them. Ok buddy, we’ll be over here with our regular clothes from the mall and my Lululemon dupe bag a friend randomly gave me when you have to float back to reality.

He was forced to check the bag at the gate. He tried to complain to me on the plane about it since there was a lot of room overhead where it could have fit and said he’ll just do it again. I said we no longer want to travel with someone who thinks the rules don’t apply to them.

[campermom]

Aug 12, 2024 19:05:17 GMT -5 sent said:

I do sometimes wonder if it’s possible to rehabilitate someone as delusional and deeply broken as him or not. Not for me but for the kids.

It is not.

[amandakisser]

starburst604, my first thought when you said XH got mad at you for hanging out with her is that he's upset you got to her first, and he lost his chance at getting together with her. He's pissed she's already on your team, so now he can't ask her out.

A few months ago, when my XH was in the middle of his 3rd stint in rehab in nine months, XMIL was at my house to pick up the kids for his scheduled night (she was watching them so I could get a break). She was (and still is) in denial about the severity of his addiction and what an asshole he is. She said to me, "I can't imagine either of you are any happier now" and I responded with, "oh I am MUCH happier now" and the look on her face 😂 I think about this exchange whenever I am having a bad day lol.

[purplinsky]

Aug 12, 2024 19:49:29 GMT -5 campermom said:

Aug 12, 2024 19:05:17 GMT -5 sent said:

I do sometimes wonder if it’s possible to rehabilitate someone as delusional and deeply broken as him or not. Not for me but for the kids.

It is not.

I agree with this. sent, it seems like a lot of your attention and energy is focused on him, his behaviors, him being broken, wishing him to get better or be fixed, and continuing to do things for him but I think it's time for you to refocus your energy. I know it takes time and it's extremely hard to do, but I hope you'll soon accept that fact that he is not going to change, at least not for the better at this point. You need to focus your energy on yourself and your children. In my opinion, you need to work with a therapist to learn how to deal with him in the least impactful manner for you and your kids. Get those tools to navigate this to get out of this situation and have those tools for how to deal with him in the future since you guys share children. And you need to have the tools and resources to help your children as they navigate having this type of person as a father. And I say all this from personal experience of having an XH that has been diagnosed with a cluster b personality disorder. It's not an easy road, but learning how to minimize my XH's impact on me and my daughter has been helpful in protecting my mental health and that of my child. 

I hope this doesn't come across as being too harsh or piling on, I am truly coming from a place of being supportive and sharing things I've learned over the years of navigating a divorce, more custody disputes than I care to count, and sharing a child with my XH.

[wildrice]

sent, I don't think you can fix him. But I also understand your inclination to do whatever it is that you can do to avoid problems on your trip - with people like him, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. I am guessing that refusing to watch his bags, while the "right" thing to do, is going to just create reason for him to get angry with you and make your travel miserable. Sometimes it's just easier to try to mitigate that ahead of time or go along with what he asks to get along and avoid an unnecessary conflict. I get that - my XH was very much the same way and it was often just not worth trying to set a boundary if it meant that the next several hours or days were going to be full of conflict as a result.

Now I think you know this is no long term way to live - and hopefully through either counseling OR on your own you will get to the point where you are ready to pull the trigger on getting divorced. But in the meantime, I think you need to do whatever you need to do to survive and can't judge that at all.

[starburst604]

Aug 13, 2024 6:22:29 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

starburst604 , my first thought when you said XH got mad at you for hanging out with her is that he's upset you got to her first, and he lost his chance at getting together with her. He's pissed she's already on your team, so now he can't ask her out.

A few months ago, when my XH was in the middle of his 3rd stint in rehab in nine months, XMIL was at my house to pick up the kids for his scheduled night (she was watching them so I could get a break). She was (and still is) in denial about the severity of his addiction and what an asshole he is. She said to me, "I can't imagine either of you are any happier now" and I responded with, "oh I am MUCH happier now" and the look on her face 😂 I think about this exchange whenever I am having a bad day lol.

Oh he absolutely would have tried to get with her, I knew that from day 1! Never mind that dating the parent of a kid's friend is a spectacularly bad idea. Not only that but she's going to help further poison the well with other women in that building and in town. He'll have to cross state lines to get a date! 

My in-laws are in total denial about STBX too. I've been talking with my attorney about my recent concerns and she's strongly recommended that we take action now about his substance abuse, because if I wait for that one "big incriminating event", it will get exponentially harder once the divorce is final, like why is his use a concern now but it wasn't before I guess? I have been hoping he's holding it together when he has DD, but he isn't and I need to face it and be willing to go to war on this, which is what is going to happen. I don't know what my attorney has in mind as the next step, but I fully expect that if I say he drinks too much he will fire back that I do too, because deflecting on me is how he rolls. Yes, I drink socially and have a couple of cocktails at home on the weekends. I don't drink myself to oblivion in my living room along with a handful of edibles and some pills because I can't live with what a shameful human I am, and then text horrible abusive things to my ex. He's also taking 4 prescriptions for his depression/anxiety and I can't imagine his self-prescribed substances mix well with that.  I'm getting less and less hopeful that our November court date will be the end of the legal journey. Sigh. 

[Totally not sofamonkey]

starburst604 wasn’t your ex the one that had a baggie of pills fall out of his clothes? And it came with some story about some “reasons” why he needed it that way??

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 12, 2024 19:49:29 GMT -5 campermom said:

Aug 12, 2024 19:05:17 GMT -5 sent said:

I do sometimes wonder if it’s possible to rehabilitate someone as delusional and deeply broken as him or not. Not for me but for the kids.

It is not.

Speaking as someone who was married to someone deeply delusional and deeply broken, the answer is a loud NO!! They have to want to be better for themselves above everyone else and they just don't want to. 

My xh died a transient addict. He couldn't get clean & sober for his own child. Sadly, my DD held out hope that one day he would get better then that day vanished. She hasn't been the same since. 

[starburst604]

Aug 13, 2024 15:35:46 GMT -5 Totally not sofamonkey said:

starburst604 wasn’t your ex the one that had a baggie of pills fall out of his clothes? And it came with some story about some “reasons” why he needed it that way??

Yes that was him. I have texts about it with him and photos as documentation. I just feel like I have a lot of small, circumstantial evidence and I don’t know if it will be enough proof. I also don’t know what steps will be taken. There’s the Soberlink thing but that only addresses the alcohol. Drug testing too maybe? He is on deep denial that he has an issue worthy of professional help.

pinkdutchtulips I am so afraid this will eventually be STBX’s fate. I don’t know how long he can keep this up and I think the divorce may be the event that paves the road to rock bottom for him. Even without substances, he is a deeply flawed person with a personality disorder, so I just don’t think it’s ever possible for him to successfully get clean and stay that way.

[kmpls]

This! 100% this. I lived like this. Always trying to do everything right, know the rules, prepare him so he wouldn’t melt down and scream at me and ruin everything. But it happened anyways. And wildrice is right, it’s no way to live. I am still trying to recover from that myself.

Aug 13, 2024 14:05:36 GMT -5 wildrice said:

sent, I don't think you can fix him. But I also understand your inclination to do whatever it is that you can do to avoid problems on your trip - with people like him, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. I am guessing that refusing to watch his bags, while the "right" thing to do, is going to just create reason for him to get angry with you and make your travel miserable. Sometimes it's just easier to try to mitigate that ahead of time or go along with what he asks to get along and avoid an unnecessary conflict. I get that - my XH was very much the same way and it was often just not worth trying to set a boundary if it meant that the next several hours or days were going to be full of conflict as a result.

Now I think you know this is no long term way to live - and hopefully through either counseling OR on your own you will get to the point where you are ready to pull the trigger on getting divorced. But in the meantime, I think you need to do whatever you need to do to survive and can't judge that at all.

[pinkdutchtulips]

starburst604

It's a risk. I had all the documentation for the judge who awarded me full legal/physical custody w zero visitation to him. Every time I thought he'd hit a rock bottom, he proved me wrong. To his credit, he lasted longer than I thought he would - 8 years.

Having the DVRO and the Penal Code Protective Order along w the sole custody helped keep us safe (as long as it was enforced) from his antics but I reached a point where I didn't care WHAT he did as long as he left us alone. It was liberating the day it dawned on me that he was no longer my responsibility.

[jlt19]

Aug 12, 2024 17:45:09 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

@jtl19 why hasn’t he had the kids?!

Apparently since DD told him she didn’t feel comfortable staying with him the way he was (unstable, not seeking help) that meant he didn’t need to do anything with either of them or even ask if they wanted to.

He’s supposedly seen two counselors over the past two weeks and got back on an antidepressant. He’s also taking DD to dinner tomorrow night. So I guess, progress.

[lucybrown]

starburst604, I had forgotten about the baggie of pills. I remember the post clearly now. So many little things are adding up to much more. You knew it then. You know it now. Trust your gut and share all of these small things with your lawyer. Let them determine if it’s circumstantial or not. Protect yourself and your daughter.

These consequences are all his own.

[twinmomma]

starburst604, I'd recommend you share everything with your lawyer and go for the most strict and restrictive options up front. You can always roll back and allow more if things are looking good, but lock in the most strict up front. I really regret not doing that with my ex. I gave up way too much leeway when we created our parenting plan and there have been times that I really wish I could go back and give exH less than the 50/50 he got based on his behaviors and life choices. Unfortunately, in talking with my lawyer after everything was finalized, she explained that it's really hard to go back to court and revise things vs. just doing it up front.

One piece of advice she gave me when we were working through everything - there is no parenting plan police monitoring that you follow it exactly. So spell out absolutely everything and make it as strict and clear as possible but if you decide to do things differently than what the plan spells out in practice, that's ok. But the plan is there to fall back on if there's a disagreement or issue.

This is something my current DH is having issues with currently with his ex. Their plan is very vague and assumes a lot of things and she takes advantage of that all the time.