A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[amandakisser]

ugh, for the first time, I lost it on my XH in front of our kids.

He has been increasingly volatile and hostile toward me since the 4th of July (almost exclusively via text because we don't really interact). We are in the process of selling our home (I am a Realtor and the one actually selling it, too). We got an offer and I was explaining it to him this morning.

He was asking how much he will net after the sale and of course I don't have an exact # but I told him at least $100k. To which he lost his absolute SHIT on me because apparently that's not enough profit??? Like yelled and slammed the door. So I followed after him outside yelling at him because I felt attacked, loudly enough my older daughter went in the shower to drown out the noise.

I feel like shit. I'm obviously gonna talk to them - they don't know about how poorly their dad has treated me, or about his alcoholism. I'm going to tell them (age-appropriately) how their dad is suffering from addiction right now and it's very difficult. I've worked SO HARD to be the bigger person and shield them so I feel like an absolute failure right now.

I've since blocked him on everything so that should hopefully plug the dam for a bit, but I'm a fucking mess right now.

[lucybrown]

Aug 23, 2024 0:12:30 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

campermom , this is not revenge or petty. You set a boundary and are upholding it. Kudos for that.

This money is owed for his children. That he chose to have and is legally and ethically obligated to provide for. And he’s not doing that. Actions have consequences.

I’d leave your dad out of it. You don’t need that judgement and negativity. TBH, I judge him for defending XH.

campermom

I’m quoting myself to add on because I think your dad’s input is so problematic. PDQ

My H is a (sober) alcoholic. During peak drinking shitstorm, my parents actually asked me what I was doing to make him drink. She called H when I had left him to dry out on his own and went to her house. I set a boundary and upheld it. I left because he kept drinking. She called him so he knew they still cared about him. Meddled instead of trusted her own adult child’s judgement.

This was 10 years ago and it permanently changed my relationship with my parents. They’re incapable of recognizing dysfunction because they’re still living it in many ways. I share little with them and never seek relationship or parenting advice. It was a punch in the gut at the time, but I no longer question my decisions so much without their input. I’m sad we’re not close, but it’s necessary for me to make healthier choices.

[starburst604]

amandakisser so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I can't remember, are you using a court monitored app for communication? May be time if not. Sounds like he may be in a bad downward spiral right now. I'm glad you're going to talk with your kids about it.

[lavenderblue]

If you use an app to communicate with your exH, which one do you use? My ex keeps blocking me (which whatever, I mostly don't care) but I do need to be able to contact him regarding outstanding medical bills, and I really don't want to have to pay my lawyer to be the mediary, because at that point it is costing me more than the medical bills I'm seeking reimbursement for.

[Totally not sofamonkey]

Aug 23, 2024 10:28:44 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

If you use an app to communicate with your exH, which one do you use? My ex keeps blocking me (which whatever, I mostly don't care) but I do need to be able to contact him regarding outstanding medical bills, and I really don't want to have to pay my lawyer to be the mediary, because at that point it is costing me more than the medical bills I'm seeking reimbursement for.

If he’s blocking you, I’d go back to the lawyers and get some communication guidelines established. Also, fuck this guy!!!!

[starburst604]

Aug 23, 2024 10:28:44 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

If you use an app to communicate with your exH, which one do you use? My ex keeps blocking me (which whatever, I mostly don't care) but I do need to be able to contact him regarding outstanding medical bills, and I really don't want to have to pay my lawyer to be the mediary, because at that point it is costing me more than the medical bills I'm seeking reimbursement for.

Our state uses Our Family Wizard. I don't know if every state has a preferred app or you get to choose. I'd definitely talk with your lawyer about getting something in place that he cannot block you everywhere and there needs to be a method of contact. What a dick! 

[lavenderblue]

Aug 23, 2024 11:47:27 GMT -5 Totally not sofamonkey said:

Aug 23, 2024 10:28:44 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

If you use an app to communicate with your exH, which one do you use? My ex keeps blocking me (which whatever, I mostly don't care) but I do need to be able to contact him regarding outstanding medical bills, and I really don't want to have to pay my lawyer to be the mediary, because at that point it is costing me more than the medical bills I'm seeking reimbursement for.

If he’s blocking you, I’d go back to the lawyers and get some communication guidelines established. Also, fuck this guy!!!!

I did email my attorney this morning to see what we can do. The ridiculous thing is that exH was told by the judge at our last hearing, straight to his face, that he cannot block me and that I need to be able to communicate with him about the kids. Of course, right before he blocked me this time exH said "don't contact me about the kids, they hate me because of you you :explicative:" but that's not how it works, so, yeah. Ugh. I should've just accepted his offer to give me a lump sum amount to get out of paying child support and future medical just to be done with him. Not like my kids talk to him either, they both have him blocked. He's such a peach.

[starburst604]

Aug 23, 2024 13:44:48 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

Aug 23, 2024 11:47:27 GMT -5 Totally not sofamonkey said:

If he’s blocking you, I’d go back to the lawyers and get some communication guidelines established. Also, fuck this guy!!!!

I did email my attorney this morning to see what we can do. The ridiculous thing is that exH was told by the judge at our last hearing, straight to his face, that he cannot block me and that I need to be able to communicate with him about the kids. Of course, right before he blocked me this time exH said "don't contact me about the kids, they hate me because of you you :explicative:" but that's not how it works, so, yeah. Ugh. I should've just accepted his offer to give me a lump sum amount to get out of paying child support and future medical just to be done with him. Not like my kids talk to him either, they both have him blocked. He's such a peach.

Any chance he'll come back with a better offer? How much longer until your kids are old enough that you don't have to communicate about them?

[lavenderblue]

Aug 23, 2024 14:31:25 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 23, 2024 13:44:48 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

I did email my attorney this morning to see what we can do. The ridiculous thing is that exH was told by the judge at our last hearing, straight to his face, that he cannot block me and that I need to be able to communicate with him about the kids. Of course, right before he blocked me this time exH said "don't contact me about the kids, they hate me because of you you :explicative:" but that's not how it works, so, yeah. Ugh. I should've just accepted his offer to give me a lump sum amount to get out of paying child support and future medical just to be done with him. Not like my kids talk to him either, they both have him blocked. He's such a peach.

Any chance he'll come back with a better offer? How much longer until your kids are old enough that you don't have to communicate about them?

I doubt it. I did counter with a very reasonable offer though it was significantly more than what he offered, and that was also the least amount that I would be willing to accept. I highly doubt he'd be willing to pay that much, and what I'm sure he doesn't realize the risk that I would be taking on by relieving him of any future medical costs for the kids. I have a HDHP which then has a co-insurance amount after the deductible is met, so God forbid there is some sort of medical catastrophe with either one of my kids, I would be the one stuck holding the bill. He'd never see it that way though. He sees support as "giving me money" and not as "supporting his kids'". Luckily my kids are 16 and 17 so my time dealing with him is short. 

[macmars45]

lavenderblue I don't go here, but I will say my SIL was infinity happier when she made a similar deal with her XH. Her kids were a bit younger than yours but still teenagers at the time. She made the deal after a decade of him dragging her to court for everything single little thing he could and she was done. Jokes entirely on her XH because the kids (19 & 21 now) are amazing and want nothing to do with him even though he tries to weasel his way back into their lives.
 

Huge (hugs) to all you badass women fighting the good fight for your kids and yourselves.

[lavenderblue]

Aug 23, 2024 14:59:16 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

lavenderblue I don't go here, but I will say my SIL was infinity happier when she made a similar deal with her XH. Her kids were a bit younger than yours but still teenagers at the time. She made the deal after a decade of him dragging her to court for everything single little thing he could and she was done. Jokes entirely on her XH because the kids (19 & 21 now) are amazing and want nothing to do with him even though he tries to weasel his way back into their lives.
 

Huge (hugs) to all you badass women fighting the good fight for your kids and yourselves.

Thank you for that perspective. Thinking about a life where I never have to deal with him again is very appealing. My kids have already cut off all contact with him, so I know we'd all be happier if he was gone from our lives forever. 

[starburst604]

Aug 23, 2024 15:46:39 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

Aug 23, 2024 14:59:16 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

lavenderblue I don't go here, but I will say my SIL was infinity happier when she made a similar deal with her XH. Her kids were a bit younger than yours but still teenagers at the time. She made the deal after a decade of him dragging her to court for everything single little thing he could and she was done. Jokes entirely on her XH because the kids (19 & 21 now) are amazing and want nothing to do with him even though he tries to weasel his way back into their lives.
 

Huge (hugs) to all you badass women fighting the good fight for your kids and yourselves.

Thank you for that perspective. Thinking about a life where I never have to deal with him again is very appealing. My kids have already cut off all contact with him, so I know we'd all be happier if he was gone from our lives forever. 

That’s what I was kind of wondering, is it worth it to cut your losses for a life of no aggravation from him. But only you know if it would leave you feeling too vulnerable financially.

[Totally not sofamonkey]

Aug 23, 2024 15:46:39 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

Aug 23, 2024 14:59:16 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

lavenderblue I don't go here, but I will say my SIL was infinity happier when she made a similar deal with her XH. Her kids were a bit younger than yours but still teenagers at the time. She made the deal after a decade of him dragging her to court for everything single little thing he could and she was done. Jokes entirely on her XH because the kids (19 & 21 now) are amazing and want nothing to do with him even though he tries to weasel his way back into their lives.
 

Huge (hugs) to all you badass women fighting the good fight for your kids and yourselves.

Thank you for that perspective. Thinking about a life where I never have to deal with him again is very appealing. My kids have already cut off all contact with him, so I know we'd all be happier if he was gone from our lives forever. 

If you get a large lump sum, can you invest it and make up some difference/get ahead that way? I hope he takes your counter offer. No, you shouldn’t have accepted his BS offer. Please don’t beat yourself up over that.

[amandakisser]

Aug 23, 2024 13:15:33 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Aug 23, 2024 10:28:44 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

If you use an app to communicate with your exH, which one do you use? My ex keeps blocking me (which whatever, I mostly don't care) but I do need to be able to contact him regarding outstanding medical bills, and I really don't want to have to pay my lawyer to be the mediary, because at that point it is costing me more than the medical bills I'm seeking reimbursement for.

Our state uses Our Family Wizard. I don't know if every state has a preferred app or you get to choose. I'd definitely talk with your lawyer about getting something in place that he cannot block you everywhere and there needs to be a method of contact. What a dick! 

This is the one my lawyer is suggesting we use. It costs $125/year and she’s asking his lawyer to have him pay it, since he’s the one getting abusive via text.

To answer the question, no, I haven’t used the app yet but I’ve threatened it. That is usually enough to get him to stop but he’s escalated over the past month. I AM worried this will affect his sobriety but I cannot make that my problem anymore.

[bcv513]

Does anyone ever have a thunderbolt moment when you realize that the way you were living with your ex wasn’t the norm? I’m on the cheer board in my town and last night we got together to put together paperwork. The hostess at one point asked her husband to get her a drink of water. He was downstairs and came up, made her the drink, and handed it to her. It hit me that my ex never would have done that. I wouldn’t even have asked him because I never would have heard the end of it. How he works two jobs and how could I expect him to do that. How I’m lazy and useless and he does everything. It just clicked how messed up my marriage was

[blondemoment123]

bcv513 I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I've had many of those lightbulb moments.

[amandakisser]

bcv513, those lightbulb moments happened a lot before the divorce, and were a big factor in my decision as well.

I remember my friends talking about their mornings trying to get ready for school/daycare/work and how hectic it is, and they all talked about the tasks they took on and the tasks their husbands did and I was like, wait, what? Your husbands do things in the morning? My XH would lay in bed, sometimes hearing me CRYING because I was so stressed, and never even think to get out of bed (unless it was to yell at the kids for not listening...which only made things worse, and then he'd go back to bed).

I've been taking mental notes of all those good things my friends' husbands do so that I can expect nothing less from future partners (my current bf does everything on my list and then some, so far at least).

[livinitup]

campermom That’s so strange to me. Your ex has not paid to support his children, as agreed/obligated, nor communicated with you about it or when it’s coming. It’s not much of a mystery. Why is it YOU being ‘spiteful’ to go through normal channels? It’s not like I understand everything people post around here, and I do make an effort to mull things over until I figure it out but I can’t figure this out. Does he think you are a spider, pouncing at an ‘opportunity’? That seems like an odd take on a mom doing right by her kids. And frankly, herself. Why shouldn’t you? Where is his derision for his ex-son in law? That seems better placed than name calling at the one being harmed.

It hardly seems mean for you to do the right thing for yourself and your children.

lavenderblue What about contacting ex with an old fashioned letter? If you know his mailing address. It doesn’t make him pay you but it does get him informed on the payment required. And you have a record for the court without paying your lawyer. He can’t block the letter carrier and US mail system.

[AdaraMarie]

Aug 20, 2024 16:32:11 GMT -5 ax2 said:

Nothing nearly as horrible as some of you have going on, but my ex told me this weekend that he met someone new. I knew it would happen, and it’s been almost a year since he moved out, but it still feels gross to know he’s with someone new. I’m sure it’ll pass quickly when she realizes he’s a tool, but there’s definitely feelings of “what’s she got that I didn’t”. Ick.

I'm sorry, I remember that feeling and it made me want to throw up even though it was not like I wanted him back and he was still treating me like crap even after we divorced.

[campermom]

livinitup not that this excuses the implications he is making but the context of my dad making the statements was in comparison to me “just asking” for the child support. He doesn’t get it.

There has been tension in the past with my parents, although my mom has come around, when during the first 3 day weekend after my divorce they invited ExH up to their farm for the weekend w the kids. When my sister explained to them it was hurtful to me they just kept saying it’s for the kids, for the kids.

Then while my ExH was intercepting all my texts, he randomly started showing up to baseball games not on his weekend. I picked up on it and knew it was strange. In fact one time he showed up to a double header, but my dad couldn’t stay. ExH left in the middle of the first game, without even saying hello to my other kids. He kept approaching my dad and saying “Dad! dad! I just wanted to shake your hand, Dad” and insisted on shaking my dad’s hand in front of me. My dad stayed quiet and just allowed him to. He even chased us through a parking lot, saying “I didn’t get my handshake, Dad!” while taking me to trial two weeks later to try to get legal (but not physical) custody. My dad didn’t want to make a scene so he would allow it.y ExH was only coming to the games my dad told me he was coming to.

It was bc he was reading my texts to my sister and read how upsetting it was to both of us. That’s a narcissistic behavior pattern called Dog Whistling. When the perpetrator does something innocuous to those around, but incredibly hurtful only to the victim.

After all of this, this past Father’s Day my ExH approached us to ask if he could sit under our canopy. I didn’t say no bc that’s what he was looking for, instead I offered him an extra canopy from my car. I set it up, with one man in between ExH and my dad and I. He asked that man to move so “his son could sit next to his grandfather” as it was his weekend w my kids. So I sat in silence the whole game while he chatted w my dad. After the game he insisted on packing up the canopy and repeatedly offering to carry it to my car. I avoided eye contact and kept saying no thank you. He lost his cool, raised his voice and called me “so bitter” in front of everyone.

Of course my dad didn’t hear it, he’s hard of hearing. When I asked him if he saw what happened he just shrugs. He doesn’t want to hear it from his “difficult daughter.” He hasn’t said that but I feel it

It’s a lot. I’ve talked to my parents and my dad shrugs and says what do you want me to do? Without saying it he makes it out that I’m being difficult. My mom gets it but she’s not the target of my ExH.

[jobae1234]

campermom, it seems like your dad was first in your life to teach you that your needs don’t matter. He’s probably quietly, innocuously, treated you like this your whole life. Not a shock you ended up with a man like your ex.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 23, 2024 15:46:39 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

Aug 23, 2024 14:59:16 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

lavenderblue I don't go here, but I will say my SIL was infinity happier when she made a similar deal with her XH. Her kids were a bit younger than yours but still teenagers at the time. She made the deal after a decade of him dragging her to court for everything single little thing he could and she was done. Jokes entirely on her XH because the kids (19 & 21 now) are amazing and want nothing to do with him even though he tries to weasel his way back into their lives.
 

Huge (hugs) to all you badass women fighting the good fight for your kids and yourselves.

Thank you for that perspective. Thinking about a life where I never have to deal with him again is very appealing. My kids have already cut off all contact with him, so I know we'd all be happier if he was gone from our lives forever. 

I did something similar at the onset when Miss R was 4yo. I never pursued child support from my xh. It wasn't worth it to me the hassle or headache bc I knew given his situation he'd never be able to pay it. The court wouldn't allow me to waive CS, so they instructed me to note 'reserved' and that was enough to get my final decree entered. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 24, 2024 11:03:58 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

bcv513 I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I've had many of those lightbulb moments.

same here .. MANY lightbulb moments. 

[campermom]

PDQ
I have sought advice.
Given all the options it was best to just ask about the missing payment. . If I filed for contempt and he waited and paid the day of a hearing there would no longer be a contempt and it would be a waste of my time and money if I chose to be represented. At least a waste of a day of work if I did it on my own.

THIS is why in many facets of my life I’m getting the most phenomenal tattoo somewhat reminiscent of a lady justice but not quite-it’s more like just hands. and in one hand it holds a heart and in the other is a brain. It’s gruesome yet fascinating. Too many times I have to walk away from the justice I seek and walk away with just…peace.

I asked what day he plans to Venmo it and he responded that it was an oversight and he sent it. There’s no way he didn’t know. But regardless, I won’t have to do this much more after the bureau takes over.

Atty also told me there’s no way for me to prove that he isn’t giving the meds consistently. I keep track of a log of all the unadministered meds that are returned home each visit-it’s about one dose per visit, sometimes two. I took a video of me packing the meds, and another video unpacking them and finding pills sent back home. But what would I even get from this? Nothing. I would fight for nothing. What are they going to do, tell him to give the meds just like the already agreed upon court order says to?

My friend and I decided at the next Dr appt since my child may very well be starting to split the antiepileptic (mood stabilizer) into two doses per day, to explain to the Dr the issue and have the Dr suggest a written log. Each parent should write in it. Thoughts?

[ssmjlm]

campermom how long until your kids can tell the judge they no longer want to see their dad?

I would just be waiting for that day for each of them and only engaging when it’s related to safety and security ($).

The kids are eventually going to not want to see him and I would be marking that day as my goal line.

[campermom]

PDQ

The oldest is 15 and no longer wants to go and is skipping visits quietly-in other words making it dads choice bc dad doesn’t want to do the inconvenient parts. I will not fight to get 100% custody. He will fight that. It’s happening naturally and this quiet passive way is healthier for everyone.

The 13 year old is verbalizing the same, but not confident enough to stand up. Once sleepovers and football games and a job (in a year) begin, I foresee the same pattern.

The 8 year old is an “in the moment child” and the hands off parenting/video games all weekend is desirable.

[sadlebred]

campermom Is there an age in your state when that can happen?

[campermom]

I was told the judge listens at 14 and really listens at 16 but that doesn’t matter in this case bc if we bring the kids in front of a judge he will fight it. It’s easier and healthier for everyone to let Dad say “I don’t want to drive them to their activities and jobs, can they stay w you” and that’s that. Not a formal change to the agreement. Just him not making use of his own parenting time.

[livinitup]

campermom Can the child participate more in their own med schedule and advocate for themselves when with dad to take the meds as prescribed? Would it be appropriate to enlist a sibling? Not all the time, just with dad? It’s not ideal but self-management is the goal anyway.

[campermom]

PDQ
livinitup I wish but he just doesn’t remember either. He just turned 9 and delayed in a lot of ways

So I have a couple of options, I’m ready to discuss w the doctor about a log but also I think I’ll have the older kids set alarms on their phone and my phone and we can communicate about the meds while they are there-mostly it would be my 13 year old bc I think the oldest won’t be there.

I’m more than upset right now bc it’s my first week of inservice and kids aren’t in school yet. There are literally no camps this week. My parents are taking care of him but honestly they are just too old for a full day each day for a week. My dad is getting daily radiation and now my mom has a sinus infection. She can’t watch him. I have no other options.

I had to ask ExH for help bc it’s my 3rd day back.

He refused. Iany angle I took, he deflected and refused. He knows I needed something.

I have to take off already. On the 3rd day back to school and I’ll miss a meeting with my Director.. Now I’m down to 11.5 days for the year and to my name After 19 years of service that is what I have. My youngest was just discharged from an IOP, I’m not putting that on my teenagers to watch him. Besides; he has his first orthodontist appointment that my mom was going to take him to.

I shouldn’t be surprised but I this was a sobbing on the porch away from my kids kind of night.

I don’t even care if he reads this. You win. Congratulations.