A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[blondemoment123]

STBXH is up to something. Monday he shows up unannounced to DS's soccer practice (but was on the phone the whole time).

Tuesday (I think) he called to chat. 🙄

Yesterday when he picked DS he glared at me the whole time and refused to speak to me.

[Totally not sofamonkey]

Aug 30, 2024 9:16:01 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

STBXH is up to something. Monday he shows up unannounced to DS's soccer practice (but was on the phone the whole time).

Tuesday (I think) he called to chat. 🙄

Yesterday when he picked DS he glared at me the whole time and refused to speak to me.

He “made himself vulnerable” and you didn’t take his bait. Now he’s pouting. He’s still an asshole, and you’re fine.

[livinitup]

blondemoment123 Sounds like “Pay attention to me! Stop looking at me!” energy.

When you don’t, get ready to be called a bitch in 3…2…

[blondemoment123]

Aug 30, 2024 9:28:01 GMT -5 Totally not sofamonkey said:

Aug 30, 2024 9:16:01 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

STBXH is up to something. Monday he shows up unannounced to DS's soccer practice (but was on the phone the whole time).

Tuesday (I think) he called to chat. 🙄

Yesterday when he picked DS he glared at me the whole time and refused to speak to me.

He “made himself vulnerable” and you didn’t take his bait. Now he’s pouting. He’s still an asshole, and you’re fine.

The silent treatment is a tactic he used throughout our marriage. I'm used to it. But wth dude.

[blondemoment123]

I'm incensed! Despite it all, I've never hated STBXH. But its getting close.

He dropped DS off as I was holding my newborn nephew. He made a comment about how he's suprised I wasn't just passing him off like I did when DS was his age and left.

PPD hit me hard. He knows this. I'm so mad I'm seeing red.

Edit: STBXH walked out the door. I didn't leave DS.

[Totally not sofamonkey]

Sept 1, 2024 16:44:09 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm incensed! Despite it all, I've never hated STBXH. But it’s getting close.

He dropped DS off as I was holding my newborn nephew. He made a comment about how he's suprised I wasn't just passing him off like I did when DS was his age and left.

PPD hit me hard. He knows this. I'm so mad I'm seeing red.

The only things it’s showing are that he’s an absolute back of assholes, and you are 1000000% making the right choice leaving his dusty crusty ass behind.

Because nothing says winner like taking someone’s worst moments and throwing them in their face to be purposely hurtful.

I’d brush it off. You’ve done nothing wrong. PPD/PPA are a family issue. He’s a total fucking prick for bringing that up at all, let alone in this way. ((hugs))

[FastHands]

Sept 1, 2024 16:44:09 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm incensed! Despite it all, I've never hated STBXH. But its getting close.

He dropped DS off as I was holding my newborn nephew. He made a comment about how he's suprised I wasn't just passing him off like I did when DS was his age and left.

PPD hit me hard. He knows this. I'm so mad I'm seeing red.

Someone above called that he'd call you a bitch now for not bending when he "put himself out there" or whatever he thought he was doing. He decided instead to take it way more below the belt. He knew exactly what would hurt and went there. Easier said than done, but try not to give him the satisfaction of letting it get to you. It is sheer desperation because he no longer has any other way to hurt you. He can fuck off and you can keep on being your fabulous self, content in the knowledge that you no longer have to share a roof with someone that hateful and pathetic.

[Roc A Bee]

Sept 1, 2024 16:44:09 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm incensed! Despite it all, I've never hated STBXH. But its getting close.

He dropped DS off as I was holding my newborn nephew. He made a comment about how he's suprised I wasn't just passing him off like I did when DS was his age and left.

PPD hit me hard. He knows this. I'm so mad I'm seeing red.

Edit: STBXH walked out the door. I didn't leave DS.

More boundaries are essential. I wouldn’t pick up the phone if he called. I’d respond with a text of “I can’t talk, what do you need?”
And I wouldn’t let him into my house or whatever space I was in for drop offs. I know your son is young, but the ex can walk him to the door, but don’t cross the threshold. By the time the kids were probably 8 and 10, they’d walk to the door alone.

We limit as much contact as possible. It’s better this way.

[plutosmoon]

blondemoment123, He is an asshole. If possible, can you do exchanges after school rather than from the house? So his parenting time could began with school pick up on Fridays and ends with him dropping off at school on Monday? If that's not possible, when my ex still had visits, I would open the garage door and let DD in and wait inside the door, I wouldn't even meet him in the driveway, she was about your DS's age at the time. Less interaction and less dealing with him, a parenting app might also be a good idea.

I recommend you document everything he says, and share the interactions with your lawyer, this could also be an attempt to discredit your parenting skills. I noticed some other red flags in your comments like the call about the school email (implying you aren't on top of school things), calling you unstable, randomly showing up to your DS's activities when he hasn't before. He may be trying to play games to get more custody so he can reduce or eliminate child support.

[trytobearunner34]

blondemoment123. I am so sorry he is continuing to provide additional evidence as to why your marriage has had to end. He 100% chose his words to upset you and will likely continue to do so to attempt to get a rise.

As others have said, boundaries are essential and keeping conversations solely centered on the welfare of your son using the BIFF method (brief, informative,firm-feel free to leave the second f-friendly out at this point). Gray rocking may be another tool for guidance as to how to not respond when a response would be very natural but would just continue to prolong the cycle.

(((Hugs)))

[blondemoment123]

Thank you for humoring my freak out. As always, I truly appreciate you all and your perspective.

I have all of these incidents documented for my lawyer. I'm done being friendly and accommodating. He was unnecessarily cruel and I'm just done.

[campermom]

I agree with preventing the access that allows these incidences to occur. I only speak to ExH via text. He leveled up and the If I had my child on the phone he would butt in, begin arguing or demand the child to put me on speaker, so now I will tell my child we will continue OUR conversation by text.

I do not go outside at exchanges. Granted that means he takes it upon himself to enter my garage to “help” my 9 year old carry his suitcase or medicine lunchbox that I place there if he picks him up at daycare on a Friday and comes here to get the older kids, and he looks around, but if I were to pursue anything about that he will demand that I bring the children to him 60 mins away which I’m not about to engage about. My cameras also stopped working only when he enters and I suspect he has a scrambler but I’m still just not engaging over it.

I steer clear at games. He doesn’t bother to come to other stuff so I’m blessed about that.

Men like this are deeply hurt. Our disengagement is a big blow to the ego. They were used to weaponizing our emotions against us and when they don’t have access to that, they start chasing us to engage and when we don’t engage they make it out that we are “being difficult.”

[rosiebear]

Sept 2, 2024 9:19:47 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Thank you for humoring my freak out. As always, I truly appreciate you all and your perspective.

I have all of these incidents documented for my lawyer. I'm done being friendly and accommodating. He was unnecessarily cruel and I'm just done.

Fuck that guy. During our divorce, my ex was so jaw-droppingly cruel I was stunned. I kept emails for almost 15 years to document his atrocious behavior, even after the kids were more grown and things were civil again between us.

I finally deleted them when I realized they were doing no good to anyone anymore and I didn’t need the negative energy in my life. But this was after the kids were both 18+

[heygrey]

blondemoment123, I am so sorry he is so cruel and such an asshole to you. PPD was awful for me and would definitely be the lowest blow someone could come at me with. I can understand the depth of pain from the experience, being reminded of it, and having it used against you.

[livinitup]

blondemoment123 Not to be too pendantic, but why in the world would he claim to be “surprised”? You didn’t just give birth. He knows that, right, that PPD isn’t caused by looking at babies or touching them. Or at least he should. It’s a documented medical condition, it’s severe, and it happens following the birth of a baby. It’s like being surprised that someone isn’t using a wheelchair long after they’ve recovered from a car crash and two broken legs. “Oh, look at you walking around on 2 strong legs. I’m surprised you’re not sitting in a wheelchair, being lazy.”

So, he’s a fucking idiot.

We know the point was cruelty. But more than anything else, he told on himself. Not you.

[blondemoment123]

I made the Michelle Obama quote: "When they go low, we go high" as my screensaver as a reminder not to get on his level.

It never even occurred to me to throw his insecurities in his face. I still won't of course, but damn, that was a low blow even for him.

[livinitup]

campermom You mentioned up thread that when your ex enters the garage the camera stops working. Then you mentioned that he might have a scrambler. I thought it might be worth mentioning that my in-laws have cameras in the house for security when they are in Florida but I noticed that they keep them when in town. My BIL set them up and when I mentioned that I thought it was odd that they would be recording themselves when inside their own home he said that they automatically go off when either cell phone enters the house. It’s linked. So, they stop recording when they are home.

Clearly, I don’t know if the same is happening with your ex’s phone but it might be an easy fix to stop this feature without engaging him. If it is linked, I don’t know if his phone can do more than disengage the cameras.

[campermom]

livinitup, that would have been a good fix, and had my heart stop for a minute. But I had them installed after he left, created the password after he left etc.

[purplinsky]

Sept 4, 2024 6:32:20 GMT -5 campermom said:

livinitup , that would have been a good fix, and had my heart stop for a minute. But I had them installed after he left, created the password after he left etc.

campermom, I'm not the most tech savvy, so what I'm about to say may not even be applicable, but you mentioned he had access to your texts for a while through your child's ipad or an old ipad, right? I wonder if he would have been able to get any of the security/camera login info off that ipad as well. It may be a good idea to just proactively update your password on that and really any other accounts he could have accessed via the ipad. It's probably overkill, but, for me, it would be a small effort to update those things for peace of mind. But he could also be using a scrambler, that's still a possibility.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 2, 2024 11:03:24 GMT -5 campermom said:

Men like this are deeply hurt. Our disengagement is a big blow to the ego. They were used to weaponizing our emotions against us and when they don’t have access to that, they start chasing us to engage and when we don’t engage they make it out that we are “being difficult.”

THIS!! When he realized he couldn't control how I reacted to things, he started coming around which was a violation of the court Order that I had the PD enforce every.single.time. He never made me out to be 'difficult' but he was relentless in his pursuit and eventually the State had enough of his games - jail time, probation, and a tougher protective order. Only then did he FINALLY get the message. He left me alone from that point on until he passed.  

[lavenderblue]

Would you respond? If so, what would you say?

Both of my kids (16 and 17) have their Dad blocked and have gone complete no contact after years of verbal and emotional abuse). He has continued to try to reach out to them from his work phone as well as through various texting apps. He then blocked me because I tried to talk to him and asked him to stop and give the kids time. Now he just sent an email to my work address to "see how the kids are doing". I'm inclined to either just delete the email, or respond and say "they're so much better now that you aren't in their lives" but I'm thinking that maybe neither of those options are good. WWYD?

ETA: I actually ended up responding and asked him to not contact me at my work email going forward. So I guess he unblocked me and sent it to my personal email. 

[starburst604]

lavenderblue my inclination would be to just ignore, but I don't know what the right answer is legally since they are under 18. If you didn't provide "updates" on how they are, could he take any legal action saying that you aren't keeping him informed of their well being or are blocking access to them?

[lavenderblue]

Sept 4, 2024 12:02:35 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

lavenderblue my inclination would be to just ignore, but I don't know what the right answer is legally since they are under 18. If you didn't provide "updates" on how they are, could he take any legal action saying that you aren't keeping him informed of their well being or are blocking access to them?

Yeah, I'm not sure. I have full legal and physical custody and any visitation is "at my discretion", so obviously the kids don't see him. They haven't been to his house in at least 4 months, longer for my daughter. I was thinking about asking my kids what if anything they are comfortable with me sharing. I could even just respond "they are both doing well"

[starburst604]

Sept 4, 2024 12:09:55 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

Sept 4, 2024 12:02:35 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

lavenderblue my inclination would be to just ignore, but I don't know what the right answer is legally since they are under 18. If you didn't provide "updates" on how they are, could he take any legal action saying that you aren't keeping him informed of their well being or are blocking access to them?

Yeah, I'm not sure. I have full legal and physical custody and any visitation is "at my discretion", so obviously the kids don't see him. They haven't been to his house in at least 4 months, longer for my daughter. I was thinking about asking my kids what if anything they are comfortable with me sharing. I could even just respond "they are both doing well"

I think that would be fine. It's acknowledging the email and it's not like he asked for specifics. 

[nospaekae]

I haven't posted in awhile, but I have been reading. I can't really relate to those of you dealing with the kid stuff side of things, but I wanted to say that you are heard.

I just need to vent. This will most likely be a disjointed mess, but I just need to get it out.

I moved out in early July and bought a house back in my hometown to be closer to family. While the house is great and I realize how privileged I am to have been able to do this I am so, so homesick. I'm really struggling with the speed at which this all happened.

My extended family is kind of fractured and while I know I could count on them in a true emergency, they aren't really the support net I was expecting. I think I made the best decision with the information I had at the time, but long term I'm not sure this is going to work for me. I'm doing my best to stay busy and get involved but, yeah, it is rough. Good news is that I am doing telehealth with my therapist so I have not had to hunt for a new one. She regularly reminds me that this can be my safe place for now and does not need to be permanent. We've really dug into a lot of family of origin stuff that I'd been avoiding - like avoiding so much that when I finally brought it up she was shocked. I've been seeing her on and off for 8 years and did not have the courage to bring a lot of this up.

It also doesn't help things that shortly before I left (literally the night before I left), H and I had the talk that we should have had 5 years ago. Had we done that, we would not be in this position right now. We've since talked through things even more and ugh, I just don't know. We've decided to not talk for awhile, take some time to ourselves and see what happens. I'm just so homesick. I want my home back. I want my farm back. I want my life back. But omg, I bought a house.

[livinitup]

nospaekae It’s the beginning the school year and my DD has 2 years left until graduation. So, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my teen years and looking forward imaging DD’s young adult life. DD wants to go to college and has the grades. So, I’ve been supportive of that but I also find myself saying things like “Well, you’ll pick a major but it may change in four years, that’s okay. And don’t feel like you can’t change colleges if it’s not a good fit - uncle Fred did, so did uncle Mark - look at how successful they are. And your cousin Joe just transferred colleges and it’s working out for him.” I may be going overboard in my advice that life brings changes and you can re-evaluate and change a LOT.

Can you guess why I go overboard? What I figured out when I reflected? When I was her age, I was given the message OVER & OVER again that life has one direction - a straight shot up or a straight shot down. No in between. You had to make the right choice on picking a college & you got no second chances. You have to pick the right H, and stay married forever. A house? Are you kidding me, that one is HUGE and all of your security and financial stability is tied into picking the right house, in the right neighborhood, or you’re doomed!

Turns out - nope!! Not doomed. I’ve made changes. Life is, in fact, full of ups and downs.

And not just me - SO MANY PEOPLE around me, too!

If you are feeling doomed or stuck - it won’t last forever. It never does. Damn, some of my best decisions came after I made major life transition and thought “Nope, don’t like this”.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how it goes.

[nospaekae]

livinitup, thank you! I needed to hear that today. And you are right, my life as far as education and career has been a windy path and all has always worked out. No reason the rest of life can't be the same way. You are such a good mom for emphasizing this to your DD. When I decided that my first college and major were not good fits for me, my dad's response was to not speak to me for over a year and it has irreparably harmed our relationship since. (Haha, those family of origin issues I'm tackling)

[sarahsays]

nospaekae, shortly after my divorce I moved 800ish miles away from where we had lived to be near to my hometown and extended family. I was miserable. I was so homesick for my life here that I turned around and moved back six months later. I hadn't bought a house so it wasn't quite as complicated but it was a fairly expensive endeavor with moving costs and a broken lease.

I don't regret trying it but I am so much happier having moved back. It's okay for you to make a similar decision even if its complicated and costly.

[nospaekae]

sarahsays,I'm glad everything has worked out in the end for you. Having talked it out with my therapist and knowing that I'm not "stuck" here should things not get better has made me feel a bit more at ease - for now, there are still those down moments where I am convinced everything is horrible, lol. Everything has just happened so fast. In the meantime, I'm trying to put in effort to put myself out there and push myself out of my comfort zone. One day at a time I guess.

[campermom]

I HATE feeling like this. Sports games: usually he doesn’t come. He comes if they fall on his (EO) weekend. I usually have my dad w me. When he was in my phone he was reading my sister and I talk about how upsetting it was when he’d shake my dad’s hand and call him dad. So for a while last spring he started coming to random games my dad texted me to tell me he was coming. It’s called Dog Whistling. Texts access was severed summer 2023.

Spring 2024: he comes to a Father’s Day game, sits next to us, waited for me to say “no” which I didn’t do bc he was prepared to scream. When that didn’t work he started engaging and when I didn’t engage he yelled that I was bitter.

This will be the first game he will be at. Oldest son stayed w me on his weekend. So I have to get there an hour early. Dad w cancer needs to sit and get settled. 3 hours of baseball then 1 of field hockey. 2 different fields.

I’ll get there before him. If I don’t have families on either side-which no one on this team knows my situation, only one mom who came for the last team and I work with-she said she would sit on one side of me.

What do I do when he comes to sit next to me? My dad will be there and he will do anything to avoid a conflict including chatting it up e ExH. I cannot speak when he’s there bc he listens and hears any info he can and will use it against me in his brain files. Like if I were to mention i went to the beach for a weekend (his weekend) and later he’d say i was a bad mom and skipped a game. Like it’s real messed up-that will happen later like in a figure interrogatory for court or something. He will take notes.

If I get up and leave he will yell something about me not working together w him to coparent.

I fucking hate this and I’m trapped. I shouldn’t have to think about this.