A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[TR]

campermom - I’d ignore him and if your friend asks you questions I’d say, so he can hear, “Oh, I’m sorry, this is my ex-husband here and he likes to eavesdrop on my conversations to use things against me later in court, so let’s not talk about anything personal.” If he yells, ignore. He’ll look like an ass.

[campermom]

TR I would have to whisper that, that’s why too inviting for conflict for him. He’s waiting to throw things from left field publicly. “Well you’re the ones who abuses our daughter!” Or other asinine accusations. He did that in 2021 at a field hockey game when I asked if he was going to send the homework home finished (or for me to do Sunday night.) i learned don’t ever speak to him in person, at that time.

Like if you think I’m abusive why do you not want any custody, ya know

[TR]

campermom - so he yells something ridiculous. What happens then? Just ignore him. I promise you it will be obvious to everyone around you that he is the unhinged asshole, not you.

[thebreakfastclub]

Sept 8, 2024 10:25:06 GMT -5 campermom said:

TR I would have to whisper that, that’s why too inviting for conflict for him. He’s waiting to throw things from left field publicly. “Well you’re the ones who abuses our daughter!” Or other asinine accusations. He did that in 2021 at a field hockey game when I asked if he was going to send the homework home finished (or for me to do Sunday night.) i learned don’t ever speak to him in person, at that time.

Like if you think I’m abusive why do you not want any custody, ya know

All I can say, recognizing easier said than done, is you're giving him so much power in your head. It's not real. If he makes small talk with your dad... so what?

If he takes notes on something, don't you have hundreds of pages of your own notes. Someone showing up to a kid's game as a big power move is a flailing loser. It only means something if you let it.

[campermom]

He didn’t sit next to me, there wasn’t enough room. But they came a half hour early and I was walking the parking lot. He intercepted me to tell me DS’s braces bracket already fell off. He (angrily) took him Friday afternoon to get them on. I told him I don’t have enough sick time so he’d have to take this one. (I managed 3 days the first week back to school when childcare got Covid) and the agreement says he needs to do 50%. He does 8-10%.

He said he can just wait until his 6 week appt.

And that’s the kind of power he actually does have.

[livinitup]

campermom. Deep breathes. You are doing well.

You told him no and the world didn’t end. The ortho can wait 6 weeks or he deals or he calls you a bad mom (you’re not). You still did well !

ETA: As for the original question about what to do when he acts horribly in public to get to you & what you should do *in the moment *. The best advice is to act normally, stay neutral - in both what your words say and your body posture does. It’s hard for an honest person to not show it on your body. So, this will take some concentration and practice. The other people around you, the ones in public, are going to “see” you mostly by your body language. 90% of our language is non-verbal. It will also drive your shitty ex crazy to “see” you acting normally when he’s trying so hard to get a reaction.

Think of it like this - You are testifying in court and the defense attorney caught you in a big lie, or a major inconsistency, and you respond in the most neutral way. You are a-okay! The tired and bored jury doesn’t really “hear” your words as you testify.
They “hear” your entire affect - your body posture, your tone, how you breath. That’s what they remember and take away. When an official gets ‘trial training’ that’s what they are trained. That’s the training. To look like you are not bothered when caught in a trap.

[thebreakfastclub]

Sept 8, 2024 11:02:44 GMT -5 campermom said:

He didn’t sit next to me, there wasn’t enough room. But they came a half hour early and I was walking the parking lot. He intercepted me to tell me DS’s braces bracket already fell off. He (angrily) took him Friday afternoon to get them on. I told him I don’t have enough sick time so he’d have to take this one. (I managed 3 days the first week back to school when childcare got Covid) and the agreement says he needs to do 50%. He does 8-10%.

He said he can just wait until his 6 week appt.

And that’s the kind of power he actually does have.

The ortho has after school hours. They can get you in if something went wrong. I can get ortho appts at 6pm.

Or not. It will also be OK if you go back in 6 weeks too.

[campermom]

Yes I can take him to the ortho after work but this week alone after work I have to take my son to and from work two nights, two nights of karate and two nights of field hockey, and one therapy appointment. Then get a babysitter Friday night to take my oldest son somewhere special. But no one babysits a child w DMDD so it has to be my sister. No babysitter comes back. Every week has a high volume of things I juggle.

I know the answer is to stop believing he will do something but the family court system is really a joke in a lot of ways.

Create a plan so that the burdens of parenting are fair, but no mechanism to enforce it unless the parent who is bearing the brunt of the unfairness spends money that they don’t have bc all their money goes to their kids.

I wish instead of contempt for these kind of violations mandating that he…I don’t know, actually DOES what the plan says to do, that he pay me a fine. That would be something actually tangible and better than constant disruption.

When we switched the suitcases my kids have to pack after the second game, he always likes to hover into my car and walk everyone to my car and put it in my trunk. Rather than have them carry it. He usually comments on something in my car. I just said “I can take it” so he literally laughed while he kept getting more stuff out of his car and piling it on top of my arms, not allowing me to get situated. Suitcase, bag, drinks. Now a Food bag, then a sweatshirt-he laughed as he just sort of threw that on the pile in my arms.

He followed up w a chapter text about how I had not listened instead of showing such a bad attitude, that the orthodontist said it’s just fine if a bracket falls off. I literally said one sentence “I don’t have enough sick time so you’ll need to take that one” and when he started yelling I walked away. It’s no wonder he never wants his wife to be there. He’s obsessed w attempting to engage me in arguments. When I walk away that’s me being difficult.

He can keep his 100 sick days. Get a payout in retirement. And Die alone because he’s the kind of dad that kids don’t visit as adults.

[starburst604]

campermom this just occurred to me. What if you started recording him yelling at you? Do you think that would dissuade him from that? Like hey guy, I’ll show the judge, your wife, the man on the moon how you get towards me if you keep this shit up.

[campermom]

PDQ I’m not going to do the camera game w him.

[wanderingback]

campermom I recommend ignoring unless necessities related to the kids and not letting him take up your brain space. For about 2 years after me and my ex separated and we were both living overseas I’d see him out and sometimes he would yell the most ridiculous things. I literally never let it bother me because I knew he was dumb and looked like an ass and it had no reflection on me. I didn’t let it take up space about what I would do if I saw him again because there was literally nothing I could do about his irrational behavior except ignore it.

And as has been mentioned before since you all have kids it might be a good idea not to post so many details on a public forum.

[thebreakfastclub]

Saying the man needs to do something is the trigger. Find out the importance of the bracket first, on your own. Then make a plan. Don't engage for help. You're trapped in a giant spin cycle.

You said him not fixing the bracket showed his power. The bracket may not even matter. You gave him the power for no real reason.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Sept 9, 2024 6:26:30 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

Saying the man needs to do something is the trigger. Find out the importance of the bracket first, on your own. Then make a plan. Don't engage for help. You're trapped in a giant spin cycle.

You said him not fixing the bracket showed his power. The bracket may not even matter. You gave him the power for no real reason.

This.  You wishing him to comply to all the legal agreements is giving him power.  All of the "he is supposed to" stuff is giving him power.  He's not going to do it.  End of story.  Give him his chance, he will fail and make sure you have a Plan B.  All of these failures will add up to hopefully something in court.  

I know this is your life right now and you are deep in it, but you have to be able to see how he is still controlling you.

[starburst604]

STBX is being seriously ridiculous about this one thing. I think I mentioned before that I've become friends with another separated mom who lives in his building. Her son and DD are friends and that's how we connected. He thinks he has some sort of "claim" on this woman and hates that I hang out with her. Yesterday I was meeting her at the dog park and stopped by his place to drop off something for DD. He saw the dogs in my car and said "going to meet your BFF at the park again?" (we had gone the day before too and I'd mentioned that to DD). Then he kind of huffed off and stood there looking angry while DD gave the dogs some love. She made it clear from the start that the only connection she wants with him is being friendly in the way that you are to other kid's parents. He's been giving me the silent treatment since yesterday, which is fine by me lol but he's so childish. I think he both wants a shot at her romantically AND hates that I must be telling her awful things about him. Oddly, her STBX is a lot like mine. Both in sales and total narcissists. I almost want to tell him he should start hanging out with her ex, because they're a lot alike!

[purplinsky]

campermom, I say this all with gentleness, but maybe it's time to adjust your expectations a bit. You know he's not going to take sick days or help out when asked or do anything to make your life easier, so it's probably time to accept that and plan things with those assumptions in mind. If you know you're limited for sick days, then start figuring out plan b's for when your kids do get sick that still allows you to go to work. That may mean reaching out to folks you haven't relied on before or using a babysitting service or something else. I know I struggle with asking for help, but I've realized that people that care about me are willing to help and don't want to see me struggling. For things like the bracket or doctor's appointments or any appointments, assume he won't be participating and plan accordingly. That may mean the bracket has to wait 6 weeks or someone has to miss a practice or something, and that's okay. What I see here is a lot of frustration on your part that he's not stepping up and doing his part or being fair, but you need to accept that he's never going to step up or be fair to you. For me, my life got so much easier and I stopped wasting my emotional energy on my XH when I stopped expecting anything from him and started planning to only rely on myself and my support system. It was really hard at first because I had no support system; my family all lived 2500 miles away and I knew no one where I lived, but slowly I created my support system and found my people. All this allowed me to stop being so angry and frustrated at having to do it all on my own and just embrace being in control of my own life. If you XH does step up to go to a doctor's appointment or anything else, great, it's a nice surprise and something taken off your plate, but stop expecting it. But when he doesn't then at least you won't be angry and frustrated because you never expected him to step up and participate in the first place.

I know it's probably a lot easier for me to say all this than do it, but I know it was so incredibly freeing when I changed my mindset. I had a huge emotional weight lifted and I was happier because I stopped giving so much of my headspace and emotion to someone who didn't deserve it and was just trying to get under my skin anyway...take away his power over you. There are probably some things that you can't change your mindset on, and that's okay, but stuff like this bracket is just not worth your emotional energy. I know you think he has all this power, but I think you give him more credit than he's due. It won't be 'fair', but at the end of the day you might be happier. I hope you don't take these words as an attack or criticism because I'm truly just trying to give you a different perspective.

[pinkdutchtulips]

campermom

You got this .. it may not be easy in the beginning but the advice above is spot on. Practice makes perfect.

It was an absolutely liberating day when I stopped giving my ex the power (mentally, emotionally) over me that he craved. I knew I could handle whatever curveball that came my way w/o needing anything from him.

[starburst604]

Sept 9, 2024 11:07:12 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

You got this .. it may not be easy in the beginning but the advice above is spot on. Practice makes perfect.

It was an absolutely liberating day when I stopped giving my ex the power (mentally, emotionally) over me that he craved. I knew I could handle whatever curveball that came my way w/o needing anything from him.

I cannot wait for this time to come, when STBX can't trigger me with a facial expression or a tone. I never let him see that he's gotten to me, but I hate that he still can trigger that nervous feeling of "uh oh, he is disapproving of me right now". I was conditioned for so long to react that way. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 9, 2024 11:13:14 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Sept 9, 2024 11:07:12 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

You got this .. it may not be easy in the beginning but the advice above is spot on. Practice makes perfect.

It was an absolutely liberating day when I stopped giving my ex the power (mentally, emotionally) over me that he craved. I knew I could handle whatever curveball that came my way w/o needing anything from him.

I cannot wait for this time to come, when STBX can't trigger me with a facial expression or a tone. I never let him see that he's gotten to me, but I hate that he still can trigger that nervous feeling of "uh oh, he is disapproving of me right now". I was conditioned for so long to react that way. 

It seemed to happen both in a blink as if a switch flipped and over time if that makes any sense. When I left OMG for the first time in 12 years I felt like 'me' again and not some scared anxious nervous wreck of a person by being around him. At the same time though, when he briefly resurfaced 9 months later post rehab, I could feel that "me" he conditioned come back w a vengeance and I had to try really hard to keep that me from returning.  I held my ground. He screwed up and was gone again, this time permanently. I never looked back. 

[lavenderblue]

Sept 9, 2024 11:13:14 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Sept 9, 2024 11:07:12 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

You got this .. it may not be easy in the beginning but the advice above is spot on. Practice makes perfect.

It was an absolutely liberating day when I stopped giving my ex the power (mentally, emotionally) over me that he craved. I knew I could handle whatever curveball that came my way w/o needing anything from him.

I cannot wait for this time to come, when STBX can't trigger me with a facial expression or a tone. I never let him see that he's gotten to me, but I hate that he still can trigger that nervous feeling of "uh oh, he is disapproving of me right now". I was conditioned for so long to react that way. 

I was really in deep with exH#1 and it took me a really long time to not be triggered by him. But when the day came that I was no longer a victim and was finally strong enough to stand up to him and not be triggered, oh sweet Lord that was an amazing day, and I've never looked back. The hold that he had over me was finally lifted and the affect that it had on my mental health was amazing, I was seriously a new person. And honestly, that new found me is also what gave me the strength to divorce exH#2. 

[starburst604]

Sept 10, 2024 7:26:46 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

Sept 9, 2024 11:13:14 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I cannot wait for this time to come, when STBX can't trigger me with a facial expression or a tone. I never let him see that he's gotten to me, but I hate that he still can trigger that nervous feeling of "uh oh, he is disapproving of me right now". I was conditioned for so long to react that way. 

I was really in deep with exH#1 and it took me a really long time to not be triggered by him. But when the day came that I was no longer a victim and was finally strong enough to stand up to him and not be triggered, oh sweet Lord that was an amazing day, and I've never looked back. The hold that he had over me was finally lifted and the affect that it had on my mental health was amazing, I was seriously a new person. And honestly, that new found me is also what gave me the strength to divorce exH#2. 

I have definitely gotten a lot more comfortable in standing up to him, like when he crosses a boundary I address it immediately and enforce the boundary rather than just seething about it. It has definitely taken him by surprise. One step at a time I guess. 

[formerlyak]

DS just called mad because his dad bought him a plane ticket to come home from college for winter break and told him that he wants him to spend most of his break with him. DS isn't having it. His dad lives a good hour away with traffic and he wants to be here because his friends are here. Also, his dad changed his room at his house into an office the week he left so he doesn't have a place to sleep there. His dad is giving the "I paid for the ticket" attitude. DS is ready to say he will pay him back if there are strings attached. Also, his dad seems to be forgetting that I am paying $45K a year for the college part, so $300 for a plane ticket isn't really the bargaining chip he thinks it is. Vent over.

I will say I feel like I did something right here. I never bad mouthed my ex in front of DS. I tried to be accommodating when he needed to swap days (I was custodial parent). I always made time for DS to talk when it was convenient for him, not when it was the right time for me. And now, he's been gone about a month and when he needs a parent, I'm his call.

[blondemoment123]

Ya'll, get this. After STBXH made the terrible comment he did, I haven't allowed him in the house and he gets a quick hi and bye at soccer for DS's sake.

Dude had the audacity to send me an "I miss you" text this morning. Get the f out of here with that nonsense!

[shauni27]

Sept 12, 2024 12:42:14 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Ya'll, get this. After STBXH made the terrible comment he did, I haven't allowed him in the house and he gets a quick hi and bye at soccer for DS's sake.

Dude had the audacity to send me an "I miss you" text this morning. Get the f out of here with that nonsense!

omg the fucking audacity of this guy!!

I would be furiously typing and then deleting responses to find the right one.

"i bet you fucking do."
"go fuck yourself."
"boy, bye."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" followed by the "not today, mother fucker" gif.
etc.

[starburst604]

Sept 12, 2024 13:09:34 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

Sept 12, 2024 12:42:14 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Ya'll, get this. After STBXH made the terrible comment he did, I haven't allowed him in the house and he gets a quick hi and bye at soccer for DS's sake.

Dude had the audacity to send me an "I miss you" text this morning. Get the f out of here with that nonsense!

omg the fucking audacity of this guy!!

I would be furiously typing and then deleting responses to find the right one.

"i bet you fucking do."
"go fuck yourself."
"boy, bye."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" followed by the "not today, mother fucker" gif.
etc.

Along with "I'd miss me too!" What a fucking asshole. 

[glitzy07]

I don't have a dog in this particular fight, but my BFF is in the middle of a divorce. They had been separated since January and her STBXH just moved out of their rental over Labor Day weekend. He has been SO petty with her since she finally said she wanted a divorce. I woke up this morning to a text from her that she realized last night that her H stole the hose that connects the water source to the fridge that allows their ice maker to make ice.

Y'all. SO PETTY.

She asked me if she was being petty by blocking him on IG. I told her sort of, but also she's just matching energies at this point. lol

[starburst604]

glitzy07 omg that is some seriously petty shit he's pulled. I deleted STBX from my social media, he doesn't need to know any of my business.

[glitzy07]

Sept 12, 2024 13:39:44 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

glitzy07 omg that is some seriously petty shit he's pulled. I deleted STBX from my social media, he doesn't need to know any of my business.

He also took their nice rain showerhead and replaced it with the regular one from the rental and called to cancel internet and electricity that were in his name. My friend is like, "Fine, I have to transfer that stuff anyway and who cares about your showerhead" but also their daughter still lives there half the time and what if they immediately turned electricity off!? Come on, dude.

[deadwing]

Sept 12, 2024 13:47:52 GMT -5 glitzy07 said:

Sept 12, 2024 13:39:44 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

glitzy07 omg that is some seriously petty shit he's pulled. I deleted STBX from my social media, he doesn't need to know any of my business.

He also took their nice rain showerhead and replaced it with the regular one from the rental and called to cancel internet and electricity that were in his name. My friend is like, "Fine, I have to transfer that stuff anyway and who cares about your showerhead" but also their daughter still lives there half the time and what if they immediately turned electricity off!? Come on, dude.

IIRC, electric tends to give a bit of a grace period because they can continue calculating usage.  Gas is the one where they will come out and physically disconnect the service if a new payee hasn't been established.  How do I know this?  The person that bought my last house didn't set up services ahead of time and the utility company disconnected the gas on a 30F snowy day (day of closing).  Electric was still on though - they just had to do a meter reading to close our account and start accruing charges for the new owner.

[livinitup]

glitzy07 Ice is cheap. You can even get it at the Dollar Store. Also a hose repair on a fridge is NBD, it might even save a bigger repair like mine when it leaked (silently) all over the floorboards and into the basement.

Now, slashing 3 tires, THATS a pain and expensive. Problem is the damn cameras everywhere you have to watch out for.

[mcmel]

An update-

Ex-H and I have been very cordial and have slept together a handful of times since the divorce was final. We talked about when we would start dating people and stop sleeping together.

I started talking to a guy a month ago and cut things off with Ex-H then to explore it. Ex has taken it well and we’re all still being very kind to each other.

New person asked if we could be bf/gf last night and I said yes. We kissed for the first time and then slept together. The first time kissing/sleeping with a new person in over 16 yearssssss. It was so strange but so nice. He’s so very sweet to me and I love it.

But regarding the blocking of social media- I told Ex-H that I was going to block him about 2 months ago. His profile picture was still of me and him and it felt good to block out of protecting myself than out of seeing a new girl tag him or something like that. I told him I was blocking him and that it would be best for both of us to not have our feelings hurt. So many people see the block button as a bad thing, but it doesn’t have to be. He agreed that it was best to not see each other on there and things have continued to be peaceful between us. He came over last weekend to eat dinner and see our dogs. We caught each other up on work and such. It was so nice. He also house sat for me for 2 weeks while I did a girls’ trip to Alaska just so he could hang out with our dogs.

Anyway, things are going so so good right now and I’m so happy 🩷