A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[purplinsky]

Sept 13, 2024 15:21:59 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Sept 13, 2024 15:12:44 GMT -5 purplinsky said:

I know it's easier said than done, and I say this with all the empathy and compassion, it's probably time to start asking for help from teammates parents, friends, neighbors, etc. with some of these non-medical logistics. Practices, games, and part-time jobs are things I would be looking for help with driving so that you can prioritize the kid that has an appointment. I know it sucks if you have to miss a kid's game, but unfortunately that's the reality of a single parent with multiple kids. I can tell you, after my father passed away I spent most weekends living at teammate's houses from 12 years old until I was able to drive so that I could attend my soccer games since my mom had to prioritize my siblings. It sucked, but I understand that she did the best she could and had to lean on her village. Single parenting without a co-parent is hard, but it's 100% doable, it may just take some creativity, prioritization, and sometimes things will get dropped and that's okay too.

I need to start doing this as well, or something like it. While I have parents who would happily get DD to a practice or game, the challenge on a workday when there's an early practice is figuring out how to get her home from school and into the house to get whatever she needs, and then get the ride. The bus drops off at STBX's house so someone would need to get her from school if I can't. I need to find a trustworthy high school student or something who can help us with this. 

People offer to help all the time but I'm so awkward about actually taking them up on it. 

I completely understand the awkward part and I have the tendency to feel bad about accepting help, but I then remind myself that if a friend of mine or even just my kid's friend asked for a ride or something I would help out in a heartbeat and not feel like someone is putting me out by asking. People are willing to help us, we just need to get out of our own way and ask/accept the help. So much easier said than done, I know. 

[campermom]

For those saying I need to start outsourcing help and asking friends neighbors and villages-I do.

But lately it’s hitting me harder bc my dad (76 and walks with a cane) got cancer and my mom (75 and needs back surgery she refuses to get-probably bc she know I rely on her) has to take him to his daily treatments for 9 weeks.

My sister works full time. I make use of teammates and friends parents whenever I can, I even asked a new parent I only know as an acquaintance for my son to have a ride home and she’s happy to help-another single mom. She’s now also part of my village. I called a distant second cousin to help out when my mom got Covid and it left me without childcare when there were no camps available. (I made a post about her going into my room and bringing all my dirty laundry to her house and going in my closet) I have also asked for from my 72 year old aunt.

I know everyone had the best intentions with all the advice, but I have THREE school aged kids, one with special needs and tons of therapy appointments. It’s just a LOT.

I don’t make enough to not depend on child support and I don’t have the bandwidth or time to get another job.

In a perfect world I wouldnt need to rely on him. I wish I didn’t have to. He’s not a transient who doesn’t make money or job hops to avoid paying CS. He makes 6 figures in the government and lives in a million dollar home and travels to Europe twice a year.

Update: He should have received his first certified letter from child support enforcement with restricted delivery (only he can sign) by now, by the way. I received my copy Saturday and picked it up Monday. If he doesn’t sign for it, they are sending a sheriff to serve him.

[starburst604]

campermom did he ever end up paying you before or does he still owe back CS?

[campermom]

Sept 13, 2024 15:41:50 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

campermom did he ever end up paying you before or does he still owe back CS?

my lawyer told me that if I filed contempt, he could wait up until that day, pay it, then he would no longer be in contempt. If I had a retainer w her I wouldn’t be awarded her fees. If I filed on my own, I wouldn’t put it past him to get excited that I needed to take a day off work for court then pay on the courthouse steps. So she said I should just remind him. I did, he paid that month and then 2 days later he paid the next month. He said “”oversight on my part.”

Everything from here on out, the bureau takes care of. If he were to retire early and not file for a modification; their lawyer will go after him. Eventually I’m sure they would impute his income and all that. He is only in his late 40s.

[AdaraMarie]

Sept 13, 2024 12:17:35 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

I disagree that campermom shouldn’t ask. He has an obligation under the order because this is an ongoing problem. Since he’s so money-motivated, I would tell him “here are all the appointments I’ve covered this year. You’ve covered this many. Here are the remaining appointments. You need to take # or cover my leave without pay which is $z per day. Let me know which you will be doing.”

I would never want to do this with my x - anything that made him think that I was hurting for money would make him too happy. And there is no possible way to enforce it.

[AdaraMarie]

campermom Does your kid really need the job? Can he get something he can walk or bike to? I couldn't get a job as a teen until I was willing to bike 3 miles and/or get rides from coworkers. It was out of the question for my single mom to drive me.
I also couldn't do sports or activities unless they were at my school and my mom could pick me up on her way home.

Not ideal but parents can only do so much.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 13, 2024 17:24:30 GMT -5 AdaraMarie said:

campermom Does your kid really need the job? Can he get something he can walk or bike to? I couldn't get a job as a teen until I was willing to bike 3 miles and/or get rides from coworkers. It was out of the question for my single mom to drive me.
I also couldn't do sports or activities unless they were at my school and my mom could pick me up on her way home.

Not ideal but parents can only do so much.

This.  My mom was left to raise 4 teenagers when she and my dad split. If us kids worked, we had to work close enough to walk, bike, or bus it. Sports and activities ONLY if they were at school. My mom worked in the same district as us kids but she also worked 30 mins away from where we lived. 

I'm a single mom raising a teen now. She didn't do alot of activities or sports when she was younger simply bc I didn't have time, money, or logistical ability to get her everywhere given my hour long commute. Nothing much has changed since. 

[campermom]

I’m managing the sports and activities and my son’s job ok. I don’t force him to work, he wants to. He wants to save for a car and he’s smart enough not to want to ask his dad for money. This is also how he says to dad “I have to work this weekend” and then his dad asks if he can just stay w me, bc he doesn’t want to come back to pick him up after he just drove an hour here and and hour back, he doesn’t want to return. My daughter wants to work there when she’s 14, too.

I can manage that w the help of others and teammates parents

It’s the daytime appointments that are killing me. I never ask him for help w sports.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

Sept 13, 2024 19:37:02 GMT -5 campermom said:

I’m managing the sports and activities and my son’s job ok. I don’t force him to work, he wants to. He wants to save for a car and he’s smart enough not to want to ask his dad for money. This is also how he says to dad “I have to work this weekend” and then his dad asks if he can just stay w me, bc he doesn’t want to come back to pick him up after he just drove an hour here and and hour back, he doesn’t want to return. My daughter wants to work there when she’s 14, too.

I can manage that w the help of others and teammates parents

It’s the daytime appointments that are killing me. I never ask him for help w sports.

Wanting to work is great and all, but not when you're trying to figure out how to get them there amongst all the other activities.
Other posters have given you some good advice but it honestly feels like you just want to vent and not actually change from the posts I've read here.  I understand that your situation is yours and your experience is specific to you, but almost everything people suggest to you is countered with a reason that it can't be done,  So, are you venting or asking for advice because maybe that might reflect what kind of answers you get.  If you just need encouragement that's OK too.  

[livinitup]

campermom You strike me as a sincere poster with a lot on your plate and open to all of our questions and suggestions. I think you go above and beyond to answer suggestions and tell us what you think will work, help, or not work, help. I see such a tiny part of your life - and I am very impressed. I also appreciate you coming back with details, it’s very generous. If any suggestion I make helps, great. If it’s way off the mark, no sweat. If venting helps a little bit - vent away! If having people who’ve ‘been there’, care about you, and sincerely want to offer you support is helpful, post away!

People more poetic than me talk about “seasons of life”. When your kids are babies or toddlers, it can be brutal to juggle it all. Really, the best thing that happened to me is that they grew out of it. Haha. (I’d love to read a parenting advice book that starts every chapter with - until your kids grow out of this, try this …) I hope you feel supported by us and we all hope for good things for you and your kids.

[campermom]

Thank you livinitup. I do appreciate you all and I do feel supported. At the beginning of this mess, these boards were the ones to tell me I’m going to have to start to build a village, bc one thing that kept me with him was having an extra set of hands to manage logistics. So I did-I built a village. I’d also bet the over explanations and details are part of a fawning trauma response of having to justify my needs being met.

Yeah donutsmakemegonuts I know people have given suggestions and some have helped, but many aren’t for us. My kids job is the least of my logistical concerns since it’s close and quick and the timing works out. I will not be pulling my kids from sports bc at the worst of the conflicts, I do get a ton of help from teammates families. I make use of teammates families all the time. Twice just this week.

It’s the appointments that impact me and my stress level and my mental health. maybe I do just want to vent bc besides doing it all for my ex, I dk what else there is to change. I can’t make less appointments. This week we have 4 more-I emergency ortho, 1 scheduled ortho, 1 therapy and 1 psychiatry. (Both were virtual)

And I did get him to agree to take them to the dentist in December. Sometimes when I’m looking at my work schedule and my sick leave balance-sometimes it IS worth the fight of asking him to take the prescheduled appts off my shoulders, even if it takes 9 texts proving why he should, to get there.

[blondemoment123]

I didn't want to clog up the randoms with STBX's bs. Since there are still a lot of power outages and storm debris, I agreed to drive with him to the baseball game last night (about 45 mins away).

I was quickly reminded why I drew boundaries in the first place. He took the opportunity to yell at me twice then back to his usual silent treatment. I didn't engage. Just told him not to raise his voice at me.

He left for a week long work trip today. Who wants to take bets on how often I hear from him? His usual MO was zero contact at all during these trips.

[sofamonkey]

Sept 29, 2024 9:14:22 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I didn't want to clog up the randoms with STBX's bs. Since there are still a lot of power outages and storm debris, I agreed to drive with him to the baseball game last night (about 45 mins away).

I was quickly reminded why I drew boundaries in the first place. He took the opportunity to yell at me twice then back to his usual silent treatment. I didn't engage. Just told him not to raise his voice at me.

He left for a week long work trip today. Who wants to take bets on how often I hear from him? His usual MO was zero contact at all during these trips.

You can just snooze his texts/silence his everything (calls and texts) until you need something from him. :::evil laughter:::

That’s a solid boundary, and it makes it easy for you to do because you’re not notified. I presume you don’t need anything from him when he doesn’t have your DS? If he, he can fuck ALL THE WAY OFF.

[blondemoment123]

Sept 29, 2024 11:11:22 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Sept 29, 2024 9:14:22 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I didn't want to clog up the randoms with STBX's bs. Since there are still a lot of power outages and storm debris, I agreed to drive with him to the baseball game last night (about 45 mins away).

I was quickly reminded why I drew boundaries in the first place. He took the opportunity to yell at me twice then back to his usual silent treatment. I didn't engage. Just told him not to raise his voice at me.

He left for a week long work trip today. Who wants to take bets on how often I hear from him? His usual MO was zero contact at all during these trips.

You can just snooze his texts/silence his everything (calls and texts) until you need something from him. :::evil laughter:::

That’s a solid boundary, and it makes it easy for you to do because you’re not notified. I presume you don’t need anything from him when he doesn’t have your DS? If he, he can fuck ALL THE WAY OFF.

One of my favorite pieces of advice from an old supervisor:
They'll need you before you need them.

[blondemoment123]

Well I guess I spoke that until fruition. His pet sitter fell through and he asked me to go by. Of course I said yes because they're my cats who I miss terribly.

I had a little "menty b" as the youngins call it while there because I miss my pets. My home. My neighbors. I'm so grateful for my parents for taking me in and of course this is 100% the right thing. But I just had a little moment.

On a funnier (but not) note, he hid my grandmothers ashes when I was moving out. I took the opportunity while in the house alone to find them. I stood right in front of the doorbell camera and held the box up to it. Nana's home now.

[cville]

He HID YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S ASHES?! That petty, cruel, exhausting mofo.

[blondemoment123]

Sept 29, 2024 18:44:53 GMT -5 cville said:

He HID YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S ASHES?! That petty, cruel, exhausting mofo.

I've shared a lot here, but trust me, I've barely scratched the surface.

[mae0111]

I'm hoping it's Ok that I post here, a bit vaguely unfortunately. Legally, I should not give out details. PDQ as I may delete some things.

H and I have been together for almost 20 years, married almost 18. Almost all of the disagreements and big fights in our relationship have been related to the same 2-3 issues. He's done one thing 3 times... first time (very early in our marriage), I told him that if he did it again, I'd leave. Second time, about 7 years ago, he did it again. I'd just quit my lucrative job to SAH with our young kids, and literally had panic attacks for months trying to figure out what to do. Ultimately I stayed, and it took a LOT of work for him to regain my trust.

Last week, while on what can be best described as a professional development trip, he did it again... and this time it could have HUGE ramifications for our family. He knows he screwed up, and has apologized. I have not forgiven him. I'm feeling scared, hurt, angry, embarrassed, and defeated. My mental health was already not great. I fired my therapist a few weeks ago. We have two neurodiverse and very challenging kids. At this point, I would not feel comfortable leaving them in his care for any significant length of time. He has been pretty supportive while I navigate my mental health challenges.

I no longer trust him. He's away on a business trip right now and I'm beside myself because I don't believe him when he says that he won't do it again. I don't trust him to take care of our family. I don't trust him not to lie to me. I don't trust anything he says. It's an awful feeling and I'm sure a lot of you can relate. He is making a lot of BIG promises... promises he's not made before. I don't believe he will change.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm working part time now... for him. So I spent yesterday dusting off and sprucing up my resume to jump into this horrible job market. I have a full handle on our financial situation. He is not going to do anything - he's scared shitless, to be honest. But my head is all over the place.

It's hard to give advice when I've been so vague, but I literally can't give any more detail about the incident. If you made it this far, I appreciate it, and I'd appreciate any words of wisdom.

[sadlebred]

mae0111 My first advice would be to consult an attorney. Since you've been a SAH mom for several years and married 18 you are entitled to some of his/your family's money. A lawyer can help you figure that out as it depends on state law. They can also give you advice on custody arrangements. If he's unstable, it might be possible for him to have only court supervised visits for a few hours every X days/weeks.

I'd also get a new therapist to help you through this time. In the meantime do you have any friends that you can confide in to help you cope?

[twinmomma]

mae0111, I'm so sorry that this is where you're at! I agree with finding a lawyer to chat it all out with. They'll be able to help you wrap your head around what options are available to you and what information you'll need to gather to make informed decisions. They'll be able to help you figure out custody arrangements and options in addition to finances. You can even set up a few consults with some lawyers to find someone that feels like the right fit for you before committing to anything. And I completely agree with finding a new therapist for yourself. I don't remember why you fired yours, but if they're still an option you may be able to get back in with them vs. finding someone new more quickly. Or even just try one of the online options to see if that gets you in with someone faster than trying to find an in person option. It would be easier for your schedule too.

[livinitup]

mae0111 I’ll start by saying that you are welcome to post here and I hope it helps as you navigate so much. Second, I believe you when you describe his actions as serious even though we don’t have the details. We don’t need details to believe you. And even with details, we support whatever you need to do to move forward safely.

It sound like he’s admitted to this and wants to remain married/live with the family. Is that right?

Are you leaning towards continuing the marriage (knowing and feeling what you know and feel) or divorce? There is no rush to decide either way, I’m asking if you are leaning in one direction.

It sounds like you are ready for action steps in either direction. If you stay, would you consider a post-nup agreement? Or if it comes to getting one, would you just prefer a separation agreement?

I’m so sorry you are facing this for the third time.

[heyyounotyouyou]

mae0111, you don’t need to decide anything today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Take your time to think about and get all the information you need to make the right decision for yourself. That decision may be to leave or it may be to stay. But before you make that decision you should know all of your options (don’t assume anything).

[mae0111]

Thank you for the support. My head is spinning and I really don't know what I want. Every time I have to take another call on this topic (because I'm running point on trying to resolve part of this for him while he's in business meetings), I get angrier and angrier.

He very much wants to stay in the marriage. I don't think he quite understands how I'm feeling about all of this. He sees this as something stupid that he did, and he'll have to deal with the consequences... but he isn't thinking about the consequences for the rest of his family. It's very narrow thinking, and very selfish thinking... which is what got him into the mess in the first place. I don't think he can think outside of himself right now.

As an aside, I have untreated ADHD, diagnosed late in life, so my brain is like a tornado right now - everything is spinning and I can't focus on anything. I spoke to 2 lawyers today on his behalf, and I called 2 more for myself but no one picked up... maybe that's a sign?? Who knows? But I need to keep it together and manage my kids and their 7,281 activities and mood swings.

I was able to get back in with my therapist - we're speaking tomorrow morning, after another lawyer call.

Ugh I'm just so PISSED that I'm in this situation again. I'm so mad at myself for trusting him.

[pinkdutchtulips]

mae0111 give yourself some grace and time to get your bearings together. One of the many reasons I got divorced was bc he relapsed, completed rehab, then relapsed AGAIN. He was well aware of the consequence when we married - you relapse on THIS, I leave. I didn't leave immediately. I gave him time to complete rehab but when he relapsed 6 wks post-rehab, that was it. I filed 3 months later. Those 3 months gave me the time to think things though, talk to an attorney, and get my paperwork together.

Can I ask why are you calling attorneys on his behalf? If he needs legal counsel, he can do that on his own.

[mae0111]

pinkdutchtulips, I'm trying to help him because if we don't find the right representation, the impact to our family will be even greater. I'm not doing it out of benevolence. I'm doing it out of selfishness and to protect myself and my kids. He's involved, but he's locked up in meetings until Wednesday evening, and I don't feel like it can wait.

Also, I'm spinning, and it's helping me to find one thing to focus on. Once we check this off the list, I'll find something else to anchor myself to. I'm such a mess and focusing on logistics seems to be helping me a little.

I've followed your story a bit, and I am in awe of your strength through everything. This has hit me at a time when I was already pretty low, so I'm struggling to see how I can do anything on my own right now.

[deadwing]

mae0111, so whatever he did requires legal representation as part of the damage control? That alone sounds like a good reason to get out ASAP.

[shopgirl07]

mae0111, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I think it’s safe to say, this is who he is and whatever it is he did, he most likely will do again. You just need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you, because he will not change. And I understand why you’re cleaning up his mess, as the alternative would be worse. So no judgment there because it sounds like the right thing to do. However, he knows that he won’t have to face any real consequences for his actions, as you’ll stay married to him and will help him out of a jam. He also knows that he’s putting his family at risk and does it anyway. It doesn’t sound like any way to live, but only you can decide that. But I do think it’s important to accept the reality and make your decision based on that, rather than basing it off of hoping he’ll somehow change.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 30, 2024 17:02:00 GMT -5 deadwing said:

mae0111 , so whatever he did requires legal representation as part of the damage control? That alone sounds like a good reason to get out ASAP.

This right here. If damage control requires legal representation, focus on YOU and the kids and he can be repped by a public defender if he doesn't want to take the lead on minimizing what he did. Prioritize getting counsel for YOU over him, he can wait. Be selfish and file first. 

PDQ When xh relapsed CPS got involved. Part of the plan was that I arrange for counseling for myself and couples counseling for the 2 of us. He was responsible for arranging for his own counseling. I did what was requested of me and made HIM be responsible for his counseling. Naturally he never did it. We separated legally a month later. I filed for divorce a year later. The point being as a grown adult, he can be responsible enough to seek out his own representation. I don't know how else to say this but doing this for him simply enables him more. I know you're taking the lead bc its what benefits you and your kids NOW but IMO, retaining a divorce atty trumps finding him one. Switch the anchor to you from him. Whatever happens to him happens to him and there isn't much you can do to stop things already in motion. What you CAN do is protect yourself and remove any legal obligation that might be attached to you via him by filing for a legal separation. 

[mommyatty]

mae0111, he can’t know how you feel about it if you don’t tell him. Please, please tell him. In no uncertain terms. “I do not think our marriage will survive this considering you have shown me who you are three times. I am choosing now to believe you. And I don’t want to live with this hanging over me, waiting for you to do it yet again.”

If you’re going to stay, at the least, marriage counseling and individual counseling FOR HIM need to be 100000% non-negotiable. Like “if you miss a session for any reason, plan to pack your shit and find a new place to live” non-negotiable. And add “IDGAF if you have to work. Make time for it, dumbass.”

[pinkdutchtulips]

Sept 30, 2024 16:44:01 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

pinkdutchtulips , I'm trying to help him because if we don't find the right representation, the impact to our family will be even greater. I'm not doing it out of benevolence. I'm doing it out of selfishness and to protect myself and my kids. He's involved, but he's locked up in meetings until Wednesday evening, and I don't feel like it can wait.

Also, I'm spinning, and it's helping me to find one thing to focus on. Once we check this off the list, I'll find something else to anchor myself to. I'm such a mess and focusing on logistics seems to be helping me a little.

I've followed your story a bit, and I am in awe of your strength through everything. This has hit me at a time when I was already pretty low, so I'm struggling to see how I can do anything on my own right now.

Thank you but sometimes you have no idea what kind of strength you DO have until you are presented with NO option but to be strong. I look back at that time and I'm floored at what I did. At the time I thought nothing of it. Looking back HOLY COW!