A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[Accountingcat]

(Caveat this post with “of course I will do whatever my lawyer advises” when I get to that point)

Can someone share how the logistics worked around minor household items when one moved out? I am preparing to file for divorce in 2 months (waiting until my lease is about to end). In my head I’m mentally taking a note of what I’d like for kitchenware, art, linens, etc. I doubt my STBXH will even care what I take. Do you just leave behind stuff that STBXH will not use and make him deal with donations/downsizing?

[trytobearunner34]

If I were the one to leave the house, I would discuss what I wanted to take, what he wanted to keep and help figure out a plan for donating, recycling, etc. the rest of the joint belongings. This message brought to you by the one who kept the house and had to deal with all the stuff that was left behind (in this case it was virtually everything he owned).

[amandakisser]

We personally just worked out ourselves what we wanted to keep. For the most part we agreed on what each of us kept (though I do have a running joke that I discover new missing cooking items about bonce per month).

A friend of mine did something similar but they had to document who was getting what because neither spouse trusted that the other would be truthful. So they had the individual items listed in their divorce decree lol (laughing because it seems petty but any divorced person knows just how necessary it was if they had to do this).

[jlt19]

Nov 17, 2024 19:57:42 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

We personally just worked out ourselves what we wanted to keep. For the most part we agreed on what each of us kept (though I do have a running joke that I discover new missing cooking items about bonce per month).

A friend of mine did something similar but they had to document who was getting what because neither spouse trusted that the other would be truthful. So they had the individual items listed in their divorce decree lol (laughing because it seems petty but any divorced person knows just how necessary it was if they had to do this).

I didn’t know until I was literally making dinner and needed it, that he had taken the can opener. Like 6 months later, lol.

[campermom]

Nov 17, 2024 21:50:52 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

Nov 17, 2024 19:57:42 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

We personally just worked out ourselves what we wanted to keep. For the most part we agreed on what each of us kept (though I do have a running joke that I discover new missing cooking items about bonce per month).

A friend of mine did something similar but they had to document who was getting what because neither spouse trusted that the other would be truthful. So they had the individual items listed in their divorce decree lol (laughing because it seems petty but any divorced person knows just how necessary it was if they had to do this).

I didn’t know until I was literally making dinner and needed it, that he had taken the can opener. Like 6 months later, lol.

I went to turn on the lamp on my side of the bed and realized he must have needed a power strip at his new place, bc it didn’t turn on and my phone didn’t charge either.

[starburst604]

Accountingcat when we did the move out the divorce was underway and because we were selling the house we had a stipulation drawn up to address the details of the sale. Part of that was division of property and it said that if we couldn't agree on certain items, the attorneys would have us alternate choosing. But we just came to agreement on our own but because he moved out and I lived there until it sold, I was stuck with dealing with the entire move/getting rid of stuff which kind of sucked.

[lavenderblue]

Accountingcat, in my case, exH moved out, well, was forced to move out because I took out a PFA. Once he was gone, I drew up a Distribution Agreement which he then Stipulated to. Pretty much every household item was mine that I had brought in to the relationship anyway. He did end up stealing several items that I didn't realize until weeks or sometimes months later when I went to use it, but it was mostly minor stuff that I was able to easily replace. The one item that he stole before he actually moved out was my can opener and he replaced it with an old janky one that was a completely different color thinking I wouldn't notice. The funny thing is, after me, he lived with his girlfriend at the time for several months, and when he moved out of her house, he stole her can opener as well.

[starburst604]

lavenderblue I will never not find your XH's can opener heists amusing!!

[lavenderblue]

Nov 18, 2024 12:00:32 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

lavenderblue I will never not find your XH's can opener heists amusing!!

I don't know what his obsession is with can openers LOL

[starburst604]

Nov 18, 2024 12:05:45 GMT -5 lavenderblue said:

Nov 18, 2024 12:00:32 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

lavenderblue I will never not find your XH's can opener heists amusing!!

I don't know what his obsession is with can openers LOL

His version of a “trophy” like serial killers keep I guess?! Now, I would’ve expected my SBX to take our can opener, because God knows he can’t cook so anything he’s making is gonna come from a can. He must have had to go out and buy one after he moved.

[somersault72]

Nov 10, 2024 19:41:23 GMT -5 aprilsails said:

Well he's vaping again. Fuck. Last two times he went into psychosis but keeps blaming it on his antidepressants. Had our 9yo daughter for the day and she said he vaped the whole time.

Also kept asking her about my boyfriend. I don't have a fucking boyfriend. I've had 100% custody of two kids while getting my life completely organized for 9 weeks. Jesus H Christ.

Then went on an absolute rant when he dropped her off that he owns all the furniture now that I left. It's staying with the house. Also I have to pay half the mortgage, half the property taxes and half the insurance for him and he owes me nothing.

Mediation is not going to work.

WTF??? Some of these men... on what planet does he think it's appropriate to ask your 9 year old this???

[aprilsails]

I moved out two months ago and we have gotten nowhere on the division of assets. We're going to have to go through it with the mediator which is stupid. He won't agree to anything.

I gave him a list of what I intended to take since I moved out in one day. Still haven't gotten all of it. He nixed a pile of stuff. Said i couldn't take it because it might get damaged in the move. I'm going to be making him pay for professional movers when I get all my furniture sorted.

While I gathered used stuff from friends and family so I could set up a house for me and his kids to live in while we were not legally allowed to live with him (CAS orders), he refused to take anything from anyone. So for instance, his Mom offered us a plain white plate set and Mikasa cutlery. Very expensive but older stuff. He HATES the plates and cutlery I picked out three years ago. It's stoneware and he complains about it incessantly. Wanted me to take his Mom's stuff. I refused and told him to give me the damn plates and cutlery. Now we both have 6 of everything since we split it down the middle so we could have functional households.

He had the kids for his first overnight this past weekend and he had them for precisely 24 hours. I left the return time open ended to see what he would do (all day Sunday) and they were at my door at 10am. Mr I will not accept less than 50% and I'm a better parent than you my ass.

[Aloe Vera]

aprilsails I would stop talking about the division of assets or anything else. He is against the divorce so he will be combative and irrational about everything. You'll lose your time and your sanity.
Unfortunately, you need to use a lawyer. Mediation only works when BOTH parties agree to divorce and when BOTH parties already agree about everything beforehand. This is not your case.

[starburst604]

Nov 19, 2024 13:47:06 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

aprilsails I would stop talking about the division of assets or anything else. He is against the divorce so he will be combative and irrational about everything. You'll lose your time and your sanity.
Unfortunately, you need to use a lawyer. Mediation only works when BOTH parties agree to divorce and when BOTH parties already agree about everything beforehand. This is not your case.

Agree completely with this. aprilsails You'll end up spending more by first paying for mediation and inevitably having to hire an attorney. You can't mediate with an irrational person. Someone arguing over stoneware is going to get a hell of a lot more difficult than that. Remember that you don't need his permission or agreement to take the reigns by hiring a lawyer, filing, and getting this thing overwith. 

[lavenderblue]

aprilsails I agree with the others. You are not going to get anywhere with him in mediation. Do yourself a favor and get a lawyer now and save yourself the money and headache of trying to do things rationally with an irrational person. If you haven't already, start making an inventory of everything in the house, even the things that you don't want, and then when it comes time for the division, ask for more than what you actually want, because that way when you give up on a few things, he'll feel like he's winning, even when he's not. It sucks, but sometimes you have to play the game. Like, I asked for all of the yard tools, knowing full well that exH would want them all as well, when all I really wanted was the lawnmower, so it looked like I was conceding when I "settled" for that.

[aprilsails]

Yeah, I agree that mediation isn't going to get us far, but I want to do the first session to discuss a parenting plan for the kids. Which is in another week since we're slow walking this.

After that, I'll reconvene with my lawyer and see what she recommends and how I feel about the process. I have the kids right now. He's not asking for them at all to be honest. If he wants them 50/50, he will have to take me to court.

[campermom]

aprilsails I think you should keep on w mediation. Mine is also completely irrational, argued in mediation that he should have my treadmill-which would be the only way that I, the custodial parent could get exercise-and he doesn’t even run. I run marathons, he also argued for half the furniture and kitchen things. Like yours he didn’t really want the kids.

We still got through mediation and the cost was a fraction of filing in court. Plus court orders mediation before a judge would hear the case, anyway. So for me I would have ended up in mediation regardless.

It wasn’t easy, it took 4 mediation sessions; and he has taken me back to mediation….6 times? Since the divorce. But to go to trial is like 20k for both parties.

The time he filed w the court to modify, it was thousands and thousands of dollars, and we didn’t even end up having our case heard by a judge. We settled in a room in the courthouse beforehand. Mediation is an only a couple hundred each time.

I don’t have my attorney at any of my mediations but she was with me behind the scenes every step of the way, reviewed the document, revised it etc.

Also-stuff is stuff and can be replaced. If he agrees to divorce through mediation and you get what you want w custody, and retirement and house payout etc the big things? Give him the stuff if that’s all it takes. These men fight for spatulas and not their kids. Give them the spatulas

[starburst604]

campermom I didn't remember that you did mediation. I guess if you can get through that, anyone could! Definitely agree with giving the spatulas.

[bcv513]

I did mediation as well, at the suggestion of my lawyer. We met in the courthouse (me, XH, both lawyers, and the mediator) and hashed out the separation agreement in a couple of hours. XH was really good at stalling things and generally being an ass over email, but when he was in the room with a neutral third party telling him he was out of line, he quickly conceded on things.

[pinkdutchtulips]

campermom agreed stuff is stuff. Let them have the spatulas. My only concerns were my kid and the dogs. Everything else, furniture, kitchen stuff - ALL can be replaced. Thankfully he didn't fight for any of it and when we (his brother and I) cleaned out our previous rental, I took the good bedroom furniture.

When J and his wife divorced, she took his KA stand mixer. She doesn't cook OR bake. He's the one who does that. Needless to say, he was super happy when he found out that I had one and was more than happy to share.

[aprilsails]

Nov 20, 2024 12:00:53 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

I did mediation as well, at the suggestion of my lawyer. We met in the courthouse (me, XH, both lawyers, and the mediator) and hashed out the separation agreement in a couple of hours. XH was really good at stalling things and generally being an ass over email, but when he was in the room with a neutral third party telling him he was out of line, he quickly conceded on things.

I imagine this is how it will play out. He's being an ass on purpose to make me feel crazy, but I know that legally nothing he says is correct. So I don't know how he thinks it will work. He wants to do mediation to save money, but if he acts like an idiot I will just cancel the process and he can file and we can go to court in a few months.

[campermom]

Here’s a gem. I have yet to complete next years calendar (he has every other weekend) but each year I need to make sure the holidays are correct—which, are all mine except for his birthday/long holiday weekend. Vacation schedules etc. I haven’t done it yet bc I have been putting off the impending argument about the week before school. There are literally no camps or childcare available. My parents used to watch my youngest that week but it has gotten to be too much for them. I’m in education and am not allowed to miss the preservice week. Anyway, I’ve been putting it off bc I just don’t have the bandwidth for that fight to try to get him to use one of his 3 vacation weeks that week. He will know I need childcare and will refuse and claim he is unable.

ANYWAY he sent me an email with a “Proposed Childcare Schedule” with his dates proposed.

Every time he refers to parenting, he calls it “childcare.”

[blondemoment123]

campermom Wow. It's called being a father, dude.

[starburst604]

campermom your STBX never disappoints!! By always being disappointing of course. That week before school is tough. I’ve found one camp for that week that’s in DD’s realm of interests.

STBX got a new job thank God, that shit was stressing me out.

[blondemoment123]

To add my own "wtf moment", STBXH is not talking to me again. Why, you ask?

Because DS wore sweatpants to practice last night, not shorts. It was chilly last night dude. Get a freaking hobby.

*He is supposed to be at DS's school for an event and I'd like to know if he made it.

[starburst604]

blondemoment123 I love when STBX "isn't speaking to me" over what is always dumb bullshit. Who do they think they're hurting with that?! I think our most recent streak of friendly co-parenting ended this morning because dumb shit. A couple of weeks ago he verbally asked if I could cover him on 12/4 and 12/5 for some industry events and I said it shouldn't be a problem, but when I went to put it in my calendar last week I realized I have a concert on 12/5 that I bought tickets for months ago. So I asked him to send me any upcoming dates he needed help with, because there were more, and he said he'd get me a list but didn't. Finally today I said that I thought he had mentioned 12/4 and 12/5 but I realized I can't do 12/5. He immediately got adversarial about it, when I wasn't being difficult, I just genuinely can't cover that night. Not that I need to explain myself but I said I was going to the Mariah Carey Christmas Concert and bought the tickets months ago. He was all "B.S. Knock it off. I told you weeks ago. Tell Amanda you're busy". (that's my friend who lives in his building that he hates me hanging out with) I sent him the Venmo screenshot of me paying my cousin for my ticket back in August. His reply was "I'll ask my attorney how my career impact child support and your social life moving forward." Ok big guy, go ahead and ask her that. If he could be normal I'd have offered to help find a babysitter, at his cost, but now he's on his own. Lucky for me, he's going away this weekend so I won't have to deal with him at DD's games. 

ETA: he just texted me to apologize for that exchange and said that I've been more than accommodating with covering him when needed. Will a pig be flying past my office window next? 

[blondemoment123]

Nov 22, 2024 11:00:12 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

blondemoment123 I love when STBX "isn't speaking to me" over what is always dumb bullshit. Who do they think they're hurting with that?! I think our most recent streak of friendly co-parenting ended this morning because dumb shit. A couple of weeks ago he verbally asked if I could cover him on 12/4 and 12/5 for some industry events and I said it shouldn't be a problem, but when I went to put it in my calendar last week I realized I have a concert on 12/5 that I bought tickets for months ago. So I asked him to send me any upcoming dates he needed help with, because there were more, and he said he'd get me a list but didn't. Finally today I said that I thought he had mentioned 12/4 and 12/5 but I realized I can't do 12/5. He immediately got adversarial about it, when I wasn't being difficult, I just genuinely can't cover that night. Not that I need to explain myself but I said I was going to the Mariah Carey Christmas Concert and bought the tickets months ago. He was all "B.S. Knock it off. I told you weeks ago. Tell Amanda you're busy". (that's my friend who lives in his building that he hates me hanging out with) I sent him the Venmo screenshot of me paying my cousin for my ticket back in August. His reply was "I'll ask my attorney how my career impact child support and your social life moving forward." Ok big guy, go ahead and ask her that. If he could be normal I'd have offered to help find a babysitter, at his cost, but now he's on his own. Lucky for me, he's going away this weekend so I won't have to deal with him at DD's games. 

ETA: he just texted me to apologize for that exchange and said that I've been more than accommodating with covering him when needed. Will a pig be flying past my office window next? 

Keep an eye out for a unicorn while you're at it.