A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[sofamonkey]

It’s helpful for me to have something in mind to process information. So, I’m thinking of it as a possibility circle that includes drinking/drugs, theft, or skipping everywhere he goes. I’ll likely stick to the latter.

So, if your DH skips everywhere he goes, are you willing to just accept that as part of him and how he plans to continue to act? If he wants to get counseling on his own to work on changing behavior, it’s a real possibility that he’ll relapse several times and continue to skip everywhere.


You don’t owe us an answer, but it sounds like 👍since this is a repeated issue for him, it’s likely a major portion of who he is as a person. It’s ok if you aren’t strong enough to suppose this choice. I’m not sure I could be with a skipper, especially when I’ve been clear how negatively it affects our lives and that it was my line in the sand.

So, find a support group for this issue. I’m sure there are several good ones that are reputable. And lean on us here. I’m so very sorry that you’re in this predicament. Having to not only deal with all of it, but needing to take care of things for him that he should be doing so this minimizes impact for your family is a lot. But self preservation is worth it in the long haul. Huge hugs to you. ❤️

[sonrisa]

One thing to consider: Is addiction involved? (even tangentially like a DUI, being caught at airport security with cocaine, illegal gambling, etc.) If so, that complicates things no matter how good his intentions may be.

[mae0111]

I have believed that he is addicted to skipping for a long time. We’ve had countless discussions, and he always said that his skipping is fine and I need to loosen up.

Now, he is saying that he knows that skipping is a problem for him, and that he is re-examining his relationship with skipping. I don’t know if he can/will stop skipping all together. It is on my list of non negotiables.

He believes that he has ruined our relationship and has offered to move out and give me whatever I want. I don’t know what I want. I have not processed anything. Both kids have caught me crying today so that’s awesome.

Meanwhile I’m thinking about stupid things like how I’m going to manage a scheduling conflict with our kids when one is wholly inflexible and H can’t help with that anymore.

[sofamonkey]

Mae, they should have an al-anon version for his focus. Skip-anon. 😂 but really. It would be so incredibly helpful to get resources for yourself. It seems like so much, and you’re so alone. I promise that you are, unfortunately, not alone.

Do what you need to do. But work towards what you want to do. It’ll be ok, eventually. ❤️❤️❤️

[macmars45]

(Hugs) mae0111. One hour, one day, one week at a time you will get through this.

[sadlebred]

Can someone educate me? What is skipping? Google is no help.

[Saudade]

Sept 30, 2024 22:04:14 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

Can someone educate me? What is skipping? Google is no help.

Euphemism for whatever actual problem he has

[sofamonkey]

Sept 30, 2024 22:04:14 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

Can someone educate me? What is skipping? Google is no help.

Skipping is just skipping. I have a hard time with vague ideas, so I made something up so I can track better. That’s literally it.

[sadlebred]

Got it! Thanks ya'll! I thought I was missing something (old lady brain here....)

[shauni27]

Sept 30, 2024 22:34:48 GMT -5 sadlebred said:

Got it! Thanks ya'll! I thought I was missing something (old lady brain here....)

I literally googled it and then realized she was using it as a place holder for something else, lol.


mae0111, sending hugs and strength. I am so, so sorry.

[starburst604]

mae0111 do you think if you took him up on his offer to move out, it could give you the time and space you need to figure out what you want to do as a next step? I wanted so much for STBX to move out and try a real separation, but he wouldn't do it. It doesn't have to be a permanent decision and could give you some perspective on what having him physically out of the home would be like and how you would handle logistics with your kids.

[mommyatty]

mae0111- would it really be so different for you if he wasn’t there? It’s an honest question. It seems like beyond a week or two a year, and providing money, he’s largely absent.

I would also make “skipping” rehab and 100% stopping skipping non-negotiable. Which it sounds like might be required (at least the rehab part) by his current situation. Might be a good question for the lawyer you’re finding for him. And if skipping isn’t really a problem, this should be easy, peasy lemon squeezy, right?

[blondemoment123]

((mae0111))

[HRH Queen Dick I]

If she needs to loosen up from skipping it's weed or porn, nobody is going to ask someone to loosen up about heroin.

[bcv513]

Oct 1, 2024 10:01:06 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

If she needs to loosen up from skipping it's weed or porn, nobody is going to ask someone to loosen up about heroin.

I'm not sure about that. Addicts are going to blame everyone else before they admit they have a problem. My XH said it was my fault he skipped because I wasn't skilled enough in the bedroom. Turns out he was skipping before he met me and is still skipping now. 

[mommyatty]

Oct 1, 2024 10:01:06 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

If she needs to loosen up from skipping it's weed or porn, nobody is going to ask someone to loosen up about heroin.

DH’s nephew thought his parents needed to “loosen up” about meth.

[heyyounotyouyou]

I’m pretty confident that weed isn’t the reason anyone cheats (much less 3 times).

[TR]

Oct 1, 2024 10:27:39 GMT -5 heyyounotyouyou said:

I’m pretty confident that weed isn’t the reason anyone cheats (much less 3 times).

Who said anything about cheating?

I feel like this thread has lost the plot.

[mofongo]

Oct 1, 2024 10:34:12 GMT -5 TR said:

Oct 1, 2024 10:27:39 GMT -5 heyyounotyouyou said:

I’m pretty confident that weed isn’t the reason anyone cheats (much less 3 times).

Who said anything about cheating?

I feel like this thread has lost the plot.

Pretty sure she wouldn't be looking for legal representation for HIM if this was cheating!

OP - our minds are likely in wilder places than the reality!

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 1, 2024 10:15:26 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

Oct 1, 2024 10:01:06 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I said:

If she needs to loosen up from skipping it's weed or porn, nobody is going to ask someone to loosen up about heroin.

DH’s nephew thought his parents needed to “loosen up” about meth.

funny .. that's what my xh told me too! 

[mae0111]

Oct 1, 2024 10:55:36 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Oct 1, 2024 10:34:12 GMT -5 TR said:

Who said anything about cheating?

I feel like this thread has lost the plot.

Pretty sure she wouldn't be looking for legal representation for HIM if this was cheating!

OP - our minds are likely in wilder places than the reality!

I do have to say that this whole side trip did make me LOL.  I haven't done that in days.  Thank you!

[heyyounotyouyou]

Oct 1, 2024 10:34:12 GMT -5 TR said:

Oct 1, 2024 10:27:39 GMT -5 heyyounotyouyou said:

I’m pretty confident that weed isn’t the reason anyone cheats (much less 3 times).

Who said anything about cheating?

I feel like this thread has lost the plot.

Hasn’t she said he cheated on her 3 times? And isn’t skipping part of the problem he admits to have?

I think we are all making assumptions here. 

[lust2hart]

Oct 1, 2024 11:24:43 GMT -5 heyyounotyouyou said:

Oct 1, 2024 10:34:12 GMT -5 TR said:

Who said anything about cheating?

I feel like this thread has lost the plot.

Hasn’t she said he cheated on her 3 times? And isn’t skipping part of the problem he admits to have?

I think we are all making assumptions here. 

No, she did not say he has cheated on her 3 times. He has done something 3 times. We don't know what the "something" is, and have replaced "something" with skipping.

[sparkythelawyer]

Oct 1, 2024 12:11:28 GMT -5 Poppy said:

Poof

Poof

[shauni27]

Oct 1, 2024 11:05:02 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Oct 1, 2024 10:15:26 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

DH’s nephew thought his parents needed to “loosen up” about meth.

funny .. that's what my xh told me too! 

a friend just told me this; that it was no different than doing coke, and "everyone does that." my jaw hit the floor.

[countthestars]

mae0111 - I'm going to send you a PM!

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

Sept 29, 2024 18:35:44 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

Well I guess I spoke that until fruition. His pet sitter fell through and he asked me to go by. Of course I said yes because they're my cats who I miss terribly.

I had a little "menty b" as the youngins call it while there because I miss my pets. My home. My neighbors. I'm so grateful for my parents for taking me in and of course this is 100% the right thing. But I just had a little moment.

On a funnier (but not) note, he hid my grandmothers ashes when I was moving out. I took the opportunity while in the house alone to find them. I stood right in front of the doorbell camera and held the box up to it. Nana's home now.

HE.

DID.

WHAT.

[starburst604]

Oct 1, 2024 12:24:26 GMT -5 shauni27 said:

Oct 1, 2024 11:05:02 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

funny .. that's what my xh told me too! 

a friend just told me this; that it was no different than doing coke, and "everyone does that." my jaw hit the floor.

TW: domestic violence (extreme)

The other day my friend’s husband was shot dead by the police in FL. He had barricaded her and their 3 kids in the house with him and opened propane tanks. When the police busted in he flicked on a lighter. Guess what he was addicted to - meth. So nope, there’s nothing to loosen up about there! She and the kids are unharmed, but obviously face a lifetime of trauma.

[TR]

OP of that story specifically left out what it was so I don’t think speculating and throwing out assumptions in the thread is cool.

[mae0111]

Oct 1, 2024 13:45:23 GMT -5 TR said:

OP of that story specifically left out what it was so I don’t think speculating and throwing out assumptions in the thread is cool.

Thank you