A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[starburst604]

Living my best life here in Napa!!

[lust2hart]

What a pin cushion!

[blondemoment123]

You're beautiful! I hope you're having an amazing time!

[campermom]

Omg starburst604 you are gorgeous. You’re glowing w relief/happiness/rebirth/healing.

[beerlover]

Agree with the others that you look freaking fantastic. I hope you're having the best time!

[starburst604]

Thanks all! Having a really great trip. Time with best friends is so cathartic. The friend in the first pic is the one who lives here in Napa and all of us here at her house is like a fun sorority weekend!

[maudefindlay]

You look amazing and so, so happy! Your friend looks like Kerry Washington.

[starburst604]

Oct 13, 2024 11:18:14 GMT -5 maudefindlay said:

You look amazing and so, so happy! Your friend looks like Kerry Washington.

It’s funny, sometimes I’ll see KW somewhere in my feed and I’ll think it’s my friend. She got into modeling a few years ago and it’s become a really nice side gig for her!

[pinkdutchtulips]

You have that post divorce glow up !!

[trytobearunner34]

This is a bit of a brain dump so I apologize in advance if it gets long and ramble-y.

STBX and I separated amicably in January. Our state requires a one year separation before we can file for divorce so we cannot file until next January.

Since our separation began we have each had a parent diagnosed with cancer:(. They each underwent treatment this summer. My parent had a scan at the end of September that indicated it appears the treatment was successful. His parent was unable to complete the full treatment and just learned the options are experimental treatment (which she is leaning against) or palliative care and is unlikely to see 2025. It is heartbreaking.

To make things even more devastating my STBX has no siblings, his mom was the last remaining sibling of her generation, and he has no contact with his dad’s side of this family. When his mother passes, our daughter is the only family he will have left. As I said, our relationship is still amicable and my family has followed my lead so my family still remains in touch and is supportive of my STBX especially given the current situation. I have told him he always will have a family.

Now my reason for posting.

My STBX and I share 50-50 custody. This was his primary parenting weekend, but he called me on Thursday to say he felt he needed to go (it’s a 3 hour drive) to find out what was going on with his mom (his stepfather has not been very communicative and his mom has not responded to calls or text). I was supportive and he said he would likely be back today which he was and we went on a pre-planned outing as a family of three. During this outing he mentioned he would be going Wednesdays-Sundays to be with his mom. I assumed he meant every other week when our daughter is with me but I later realized he meant every week. This means I would primary parent five days a week (including every weekend) for the foreseeable future.

This was triggering to me on multiple fronts:
1. It reminded me of our marriage where, despite my best efforts, hard discussions were not had. Rather things just seemed to unfold mostly with me shouldering the bulk of the load.
2. Our daughter is having a really hard time right now. She benefits in no way from our split. We didn’t argue, there was not tension between us, and she had access to both of us who each offer her different things she likes or needs. Her angst about the change cycles and we are currently in a strong anti-split cycle. Couple that with what is likely anxiety and you have a current season when she holds it together for the rest of the world and then looses it hard with her safest space-me. It has been manageable because of the scheduled breaks I get with co-parenting. In the scenario presented by STBX the breaks are pretty much gone.
3. I am torn because I CAN handle this extra load but have seen over the last year what I and my life can be like when I don’t have to and am concerned if I don’t set some sort of t with this situation I am setting myself up to be taken advantage of in co-parenting as I was in our marriage. However, he is going through a devastating time so I feel awful for not just sucking it up and pushing through.

If you have made it this far, bless you. I guess I am looking for advice as to how to be supportive without losing myself again in the process.

So far I have come up with:
-Asking him to return Sunday mornings so I have Sundays to decompress.
-Friday night parent survivals nights, babysitters at his expense.

I will also note we have not sought legal counsel as there has not been a need. We have a notarized separation agreement (which isn’t even required in our state) that we felt fairly divided property and assets and laid out custody. I hesitate to involve legal at this juncture and would prefer to continue to work as we have-directly with one another until a situation presents itself that legal is the only possible route.

Any other ideas? Should I be looking at something differently?

[klee23]

trytobearunner34 ,
I am sorry, it sounds like you are stuck in a no-win situation. Your suggestions sound reasonable. Another option: does your STBX live in the same district or relatively close to you? Would your daughter be able to stay with him from Sunday afternoon/evening until she gets home from school on Wednesdays? He would get her to school Mon-Wed and then you take Wed after school until he returns on Sunday. I don't think you should cave all together, you have needs as well but I you clearly have compassion in this situation and sounds like you want to be accommodating within reason

[heygrey]

trytobearunner34 , I would ask him to be home by noon Sunday so you have 12pm Sunday-after school Wednesday to yourself. Then I would figure out "child support" so that he is compensating you for the additional parenting time you are taking on.

[trytobearunner34]

klee23 Thank you. You have summarized how I feel well (no win, compassion and accommodating without caving) which is helpful in my framing things To answer your questions, he lives 2 miles up the road. Currently he takes her to school each day and I pick her up. Mondays and Tuesdays I take her to his place after dinner (after he is done working) where she spends the night. Wednesdays and Thursdays she just stays with me after dinner. Weekends are really the only thing that flip flops. However, if I start lumping Sundays in with Mondays and Tuesdays that might help as it becomes more of a 3:4 split which feels more manageable than a 2:5.

[lac]

I think you’re in the right track.

I’d either alternate 5 days on 5 days off, or alternate what the 3:4 split is.

I’d be in the same position myself, but this ain’t really your problem, and you’ve been more than accommodating.

[sadlebred]

I think asking him to return Sunday mornings is reasonable. If his mom isn't likely to see 2025, this situation is temporary. Is there a reason your DD couldn't go with him once/month and take school work with her?

[Roc A Bee]

I’d ask him to be back Sunday morning and he can do Sunday through Wednesday morning and you can do Wednesday through Sunday. That would feel a little more fair to me. Honestly I’d ask he come home Saturday so you can have all of Sunday to yourself.

If you are amicable, I’d probably tell him what you said here. I am here to support you but this is a family decision since we have a daughter and I can’t expect to pick up every weekend, so either come get her your weekends or propose the new set up.

[livinitup]

trytobearunner34 I am sorry to hear about your family’s health issues on both sides. That sounds like a lot on top of a separation and raising your daughter.

One of the harder things I’ve heard from couples newly separated or divorced is that the shock of separation feels like things are very different but then the people fall into being the same people they were during the marriage.

I think he’s doing that here. You, too. Your soon-to-be ex is treating you like his wife. Even how he seemed to “tell” you his new schedule, not ask. He decided what he wanted (sadly, so sadly maybe even needed) and it just slid onto your plate to do.

The way you described the conversation, he just told you that it would be weekly, not every other week. It might have even been clarified after you asked him to clarify. He decided without a bit of hesitation or consideration that he had a child to provide custody. Sure, he has a pattern of doing this in your marriage. He’s expecting you to be his wife.

I would take yourself out of it. I doubt you’ll put your needs first. So, put your daughter’s needs first. You two are separated and sharing custody. He has to act like it. Not like a committed couple. Sorry. Tell him that it’s best for HIS DAUGHTER WHO IS HAVING A TOUGH TIME to be with him as much as 50/50 is possible and this includes his weekends. So, he doesn’t go on his scheduled weekends or he brings her.

Yes, you can be a back-up in an emergency (like this weekend). Bit not ‘just like that’ because the thought occurred to him that he’d like to be away without considering her & you.

[emilyinchile]

Is there a reason he can't take your daughter with him? Aside from him still needing to spend good time with her, wouldn't it be nice for her to get time with her grandparent who isn't going to be around much longer? I would definitely be flexible and help him out, but him being totally out of the picture every Weds-Sun sounds like it's more of an emotional reaction to what he's just seen rather than a thought-out plan. Hopefully you guys can get to a plan without it being a disagreement.

[jobae1234]

I would start with lots of empathy and express a willingness to help and to be flexible. I’d remind him that his plan would negatively impact his daughter who is already struggling. I’d ask him to return Sunday mornings so you get one weekend day to decompress. If you were married, would he be skipping out on you all 5 days/wk to be with his mom? Hard to imagine but you did divorce him! My hope would be if you gently and kindly tell him that you totally sympathize but he needs to think more about his kid in the calculation, that he will be amenable to coming up with a second plan, that this was an emotional reaction based on stress.

You already get her after school every day and feed her dinner every night, so you’d be seeing her 7 days a week. That is too much to ask. I’m sorry.

[trytobearunner34]

livinitup, You are 100% spot on which is why I am here as we couldn't figure our way out of this cycle in our marriage even with counseling. I'll be damned if it continues for the next 11+ years.

emilyinchile You hit the nail on the head with the emotional reaction. This is very much his MO.

We do a standing Sunday night call each week during which I will embed some of the language from these posts as well as looking ahead three weeks at a time to include times when he can take our daughter with him or plan to return early so she is still with him on his weekends (unless an emergency arises).

Thank you all for your insight. As always it was a huge help!

[livinitup]

trytobearunner34 I am glad our advice is helpful. Since you are taking it to heart and it echos your own feelings as you struggle to find a new way forward in your relationship, I would consider how much value you place on “not arguing” and at what cost that comes to you and your daughter. It seems a pattern that he demands and you capitulate = no arguments.

I’m not telling you to yell or be yelled at. I’m suggesting that you learn to be uncomfortable, maybe very uncomfortable as you begin to NOT yield to his demands (or even whims). It’s in learning to sit and be uncomfortable, to ‘argue’ that you will see real change. I fear that you are recognizing that you have merely changes locations (about 2 miles) but haven’t really separated or really, changed.

I hope this is not overstepping and more saying what is already bubbling under the surface.

[trytobearunner34]

livinitup, Not an overstep at all. I really appreciate all perspectives. I can see from my posts where it comes across that I am confrontation adverse; however, if you knew me in real life you would know this is not accurate. I actually enjoy healthy debate and have no issues brining up conflict to resolve healthfully. I have no problem with uncomfortable conversations so long as there is a reasonable chance at some form of resolution.

Despite 20 years of attempts at otherwise, my STBX has two modes when it comes to conflict or tough conversations—ignore/withdraw/shut down or emote all over them without any sense of reason (unfortunately there is no in between). With him, what I have learned what is most effective is boundary setting. Sometimes I do struggle with what those boundaries “should” be. I also sometimes find myself in the mindset of “I made this bed and now must lie it” which is another reason I reach out for perspective.

Again I appreciate the perspective and if I am still being obtuse feel free to call me on it:).

[sadlebred]

Is there any reason why you can't have 100% custody, so what he does won't affect you?

[trytobearunner34]

Update: He and I spoke last night and he agreed his emotions were doing the talking. We are planning three weeks at a time and the plan is he will take her to see her grandmother on his weekend. It was a good conversation. Thanks to you all!

sadlebred He is a good dad and, while frustrating to me, has done nothing to demonstrate he is not fit to parent. His dad left when he was 8 and neither of us want his lived experience for our daughter.

[starburst604]

trytobearunner34 I'm glad you talked and were able to come to a compromise. Taking things a few weeks at a time sounds much more reasonable for all of you. I completely get you on the front of him being a good dad while frustrating to deal with personally. I'm not wishing away DD's youth, but that countdown to when I don't have to deal with STBX feels LONG.

[FrankieM20]

Hi everyone!! I am following along and rooting for everyone!!

I am separated at the moment and working on our parenting plan. My kiddos are little (1st grade and Kinder). What should I be thinking of for our plan for when they are older?? Any good resources out there to reference?

I want to be specific but also don’t want something to come back and bite me in the butt (like requiring written consent for all activities). My ex is a little controlling so I need to be careful.

Hope everyone is hanging in there leading into the holidays.

[twinmomma]

FrankieM20, one thing I made sure to outline was a plan for snow days, kids home sick, early release days, etc. My exH is notoriously flaky and will gladly not take responsibility for things, so I wanted to spell out who's problem it is when those things pop up.

[trytobearunner34]

FrankieM20 Our daughter is around the same age (2nd grade).

We made sure to spell out financial responsibilities for DD’s: school supplies, extracurricular activities and non insured medical expenses.

We also spelled out holidays and traditional vacations. In addition for traveling included a clause about notifying one another of travel out of state.

We addressed future relationships (when someone can be introduced to our daughter, “sleepovers”, etc.).

We addressed child care in the event of days off school and/or illness.

That’s all I can think of at the moment. I will come back and edit if I think of anything else.

[blondemoment123]

Oct 23, 2024 10:44:11 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

Hi everyone!! I am following along and rooting for everyone!!

I am separated at the moment and working on our parenting plan. My kiddos are little (1st grade and Kinder). What should I be thinking of for our plan for when they are older?? Any good resources out there to reference?

I want to be specific but also don’t want something to come back and bite me in the butt (like requiring written consent for all activities). My ex is a little controlling so I need to be careful.

Hope everyone is hanging in there leading into the holidays.

Thanks for posting this. I'm going to need similar guidance (DS in first grade).

[campermom]

Splitting extracurriculars and gear, childcare (if not included in CS calculation) splitting phone bills and having them on YOUR plan if there is a history or potential of misuse of location tracking, drivers ed, car insurance, college applications costs. Having a life insurance policy w the kids as the beneficiary. Get a trust. Having them match your contribution to a 529. We split all medical bills 50/50, not the “after $250 per kid per calendar year) nonsense. I don’t have the mental bandwidth for calculating that.

None of this would be ordered by a judge in my state. All through mediation/agreement.