A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[twinmomma]

May 17, 2024 12:08:31 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

May 17, 2024 7:06:06 GMT -5 blondemoment123 said:

I'm getting my confidence back. I didn't realize how anxious I was in every part of my life simply because I never knew what version of STBXH I would come home to.

So much this !!!  It was as if a switch flipped in me. The difference was night and day and yes people noticed. Needless to say, divorce agreed with me. 

This is exactly what happened to me too! I've been divorced for 6 years and am still amazed at how much lighter I feel overall. I was only ever confident in myself at work, because that's where ExH wasn't able to get to me. Now I'm that same level of confident bad-ass that I always was in the office in all aspects of my life. I've been remarried for almost a year and the difference in the relationships is unreal. 

For anyone in the thick of it, it does get better. You'll find yourself again. One of the best things I ever did was to not be apologetic for taking my "me time" on the weekends I didn't have my kids. People would try to make it a sob story for me - "Oh, it must be so hard to not have your kids all the time, I'd be devastated, etc..." And yes, it sucks. But eventually I'd stuff those weekends full of plans and do all the things I never got to do when exH was around because I was always solo parenting with an absent spouse. Use that time to reclaim your life and don't apologize for it! 

[sent]

Today is his WFH day. I don't understand how this dude is night and day. I can hear him talking in full blown sentences in a completely normal tone with his coworkers. He was giving a presentation or something this morning and spoke for like 15 minutes. When I try to talk to him, he gives one word answers and reserves complete sentences for only when he is insulting me. It always feels like the worst game of "21 questions" when trying to get any info out of him no matter how nicely I ask. And worse is my DD seems to be responding to me like this. I can't tell if it's because she sees him do it so she thinks this is normal behavior or if this is her being a shy-ish 10 year old trying to navigate social situations and life.

At least some other craziness in my life has finally been calming down so that I can focus and devote more time to my plan to shed this deadweight.

[sent]

May 17, 2024 12:22:18 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

My MIL took our dog in last fall and omg she is like a totally different dog now living in a calm house. I look at her and man I want that too. I’m gaining more confidence in myself now that my kids are a bit older (5 and 6). I just want to be happy. 

OMG the dog's behavior has changed for the better? This is so encouraging to hear. I have picked up all kinds of awful medical conditions since COVID started and I feel like I can shed them if I get rid of the toxic energy. 

[starburst604]

May 17, 2024 13:25:18 GMT -5 sent said:

May 17, 2024 12:22:18 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

My MIL took our dog in last fall and omg she is like a totally different dog now living in a calm house. I look at her and man I want that too. I’m gaining more confidence in myself now that my kids are a bit older (5 and 6). I just want to be happy. 

OMG the dog's behavior has changed for the better? This is so encouraging to hear. I have picked up all kinds of awful medical conditions since COVID started and I feel like I can shed them if I get rid of the toxic energy. 

For months I've had all this muscle tension in my back and I realized today that it's not there anymore. True, I just got a new mattress which may be helping but I think living with him was also contributing to it. I'm excited to see all the ways I feel better with him gone. You will too! 

[FrankieM20]

May 17, 2024 13:25:18 GMT -5 sent said:

May 17, 2024 12:22:18 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

My MIL took our dog in last fall and omg she is like a totally different dog now living in a calm house. I look at her and man I want that too. I’m gaining more confidence in myself now that my kids are a bit older (5 and 6). I just want to be happy. 

OMG the dog's behavior has changed for the better? This is so encouraging to hear. I have picked up all kinds of awful medical conditions since COVID started and I feel like I can shed them if I get rid of the toxic energy. 

She is unrecognizable!!!! I think not getting yelled at and mistreated every single day has done wonders for her. I am so happy that she is living her best life now. Maybe I can have that too?


I recently was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I assumed was pushed to the surface due to the stress of having young kids, but now I’m wondering if it’s more due to the stress I’m under from this marriage and just don’t realize it yet.

This is absolutely the most agonizing decision I have ever had to make. I wish I could just fast forward a year from now and have all the really hard parts be over with.

[lavenderblue]

FrankieM20, I've been divorced twice and both times I initiated it. I had so much anxiety leading up to the conversation, but once I did, it was like this huge weight was lifted. There were things that I was anxious and stressed about in my life that I didn't realize. I won't lie, the process was hard, but it was 1,000% worth it. And not just for myself, but for my kids as well. They were aware of the tension in the house, and even how it was affecting me and my relationship with them. As a family unit, we are so much better and stronger now.

[campermom]

starburst604

I’m proud of you for recognizing that he is using emotional manipulation and naming that behavior so that you can continue to look for it. Yes, he was. And his detachment from parenting led to not thinking ahead to realizing the child needed a key and would be lost in an unfamiliar place. He messed that up, and he’s sputtering bc he’s recognizing bc he doesn’t have you to buffer his life w his child.

Also, about what you said about not “needing” him for anything. I wholeheartedly agree, and I love the sentiment that when a man contributes nothing but a paycheck to his family, he suddenly becomes very angry when treated as “just a paycheck” at divorce.

I’m glad you’re seeing some peace and having these thoughts of freedom.

[sent]

Any of you have experiences with a post-nup?

I realize this will vary by state. I also realize that this I why I need to get my lawyer in my corner sooner than later.

[whattheheck]

starburst604, Aloe Vera, Money is the issue. He claims that he overpaid me "hundreds of thousands of dollars." Dude - you didn't pay me anything close to that much less overpay me by that much. The problem is that he is a short-term thinker and I am a long-term thinker. So while he got everything he was entitled to from me pretty much at the time the divorce was final - I am still getting payments this far out. He had an attorney who negotiated the settlement on his behalf so it wasn't unfair by any means, we just had different goals. He is now on attorney number four who managed to blame attorneys #1 through #3 as well as the court (because we've had so many judges) on what he now perceives as the problem. Yo, motherfucker, the reason we have had so many judges is because your litigating a fourteen year old case.

[livinitup]

whattheheck Good update! I hope your court date went well. I just have so many questions.

[Roc A Bee]

May 17, 2024 9:07:46 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Nugget T. Brain, The OG I'll help you hide the body if you'll help me back!!! Grrrrr. I love hearing how you've been living your best life since the divorce though.

DD spent her first night at STBX's new place last night. We hadn't planned on her staying there during the week until school got out, but she asked to so we went with it. Of course he took the opportunity to emotionally manipulate me and tell me she was struggling at bedtime because "We're getting divorced and she's a train wreck. We need to be better for her. She's paramount." I asked him how "we" need to be better exactly and he replied "Just don't be a creature of habit. You have a daughter now and you're a role model." I kept asking if she was ok but he was stonewalling me and then I asked him to have her call me. We talked and she seemed ok. This morning when he brought her home to get on the bus, she came up to my room and we were chatting about her night. She wasn't even upset about divorce stuff, it was because they were watching tv in the common area of his building and she went back to the apartment to get a snack. But she couldn't get back to where he was because she didn't have the key. Then she got turned around in the building and was lost and started to panic. Eventually he came looking for her and found her. That absolute asshole.

Ugh. My advice is try not to engage. My SK’s mom loved to text about all these emotional convos she has with the kids. She acts like we never talk to them. They are here half the time. We don’t engage and just talk to the kids directly. They are older now at 15 and 17, but we’ve been doing this for years. We can’t trust her assessment.

[starburst604]

May 18, 2024 23:17:46 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

May 17, 2024 9:07:46 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Nugget T. Brain, The OG I'll help you hide the body if you'll help me back!!! Grrrrr. I love hearing how you've been living your best life since the divorce though.

DD spent her first night at STBX's new place last night. We hadn't planned on her staying there during the week until school got out, but she asked to so we went with it. Of course he took the opportunity to emotionally manipulate me and tell me she was struggling at bedtime because "We're getting divorced and she's a train wreck. We need to be better for her. She's paramount." I asked him how "we" need to be better exactly and he replied "Just don't be a creature of habit. You have a daughter now and you're a role model." I kept asking if she was ok but he was stonewalling me and then I asked him to have her call me. We talked and she seemed ok. This morning when he brought her home to get on the bus, she came up to my room and we were chatting about her night. She wasn't even upset about divorce stuff, it was because they were watching tv in the common area of his building and she went back to the apartment to get a snack. But she couldn't get back to where he was because she didn't have the key. Then she got turned around in the building and was lost and started to panic. Eventually he came looking for her and found her. That absolute asshole.

Ugh. My advice is try not to engage. My SK’s mom loved to text about all these emotional convos she has with the kids. She acts like we never talk to them. They are here half the time. We don’t engage and just talk to the kids directly. They are older now at 15 and 17, but we’ve been doing this for years. We can’t trust her assessment.

Yeah I’m onto him now. He tried it again yesterday and I didn’t engage. She’s going to have her ups and downs with both of us and I certainly won’t be giving him the play by play when she’s with me.

[livinitup]

May 19, 2024 6:01:29 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 18, 2024 23:17:46 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Ugh. My advice is try not to engage. My SK’s mom loved to text about all these emotional convos she has with the kids. She acts like we never talk to them. They are here half the time. We don’t engage and just talk to the kids directly. They are older now at 15 and 17, but we’ve been doing this for years. We can’t trust her assessment.

Yeah I’m onto him now. He tried it again yesterday and I didn’t engage. She’s going to have her ups and downs with both of us and I certainly won’t be giving him the play by play when she’s with me.

Again? He’s such an asshole. You knew that already but even a fresh start in a new swanky apartment couldn’t put the pause button on his bullshit. I guess it’s permanently on.

[starburst604]

May 19, 2024 17:27:06 GMT -5 livinitup said:

May 19, 2024 6:01:29 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Yeah I’m onto him now. He tried it again yesterday and I didn’t engage. She’s going to have her ups and downs with both of us and I certainly won’t be giving him the play by play when she’s with me.

Again? He’s such an asshole. You knew that already but even a fresh start in a new swanky apartment couldn’t put the pause button on his bullshit. I guess it’s permanently on.

Oh yes, along with insinuating that I was lying about going to meet friends for a late lunch yesterday (it only came up because DD asked) and implying that I was on a date. I’m not interested at all in dating at the moment, but I emphatically reminded him that it’s NONE of his business what I am doing and to keep his comments to himself.

[emilyinchile]

Omg starburst604, the audacity of that man with his whole ass girlfriend while still married! Your post about internet made me laugh and remember when my ex H called me several months after we separated asking what to do about his credit card that was charging him a ton in interest. He'd never had a credit card while we were together and hadn't realized when it was due (I think for a few months), and somehow in his mind this was the company's mistake. I was like yeah, you should probably ask a friend about this because I'm really not the appropriate person to have to teach you basic life skills anymore.

[Totally not sofamonkey]

May 19, 2024 17:39:58 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 19, 2024 17:27:06 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Again? He’s such an asshole. You knew that already but even a fresh start in a new swanky apartment couldn’t put the pause button on his bullshit. I guess it’s permanently on.

Oh yes, along with insinuating that I was lying about going to meet friends for a late lunch yesterday (it only came up because DD asked) and implying that I was on a date. I’m not interested at all in dating at the moment, but I emphatically reminded him that it’s NONE of his business what I am doing and to keep his comments to himself.

Yup. He’s spiraling and grasping at straws. Let him.

[nospaekae]

I'm angry and sad today. This has been everyday, but today more angry than sad.

I feel like I'm losing control of my whole life. I was recently diagnosed with cervical cancer. I'm staying on top of things and know I'll be OK, but it's the cherry on top of the shit sundae.

STBXH and I are still living together, but I haven't told him. I'm under contract on a house back in my hometown out of state. He doesn't know that yet either.

I can't afford to stay in my current area on one income and I know I'll need a better support network than I have here so it makes sense to move, but dammit, I feel like I'm being forced into this. On top of all that, we/I own a farm-based business that I will need to close prior to leaving, sell equipment, livestock, etc.

My heart is breaking and I'm just so angry that he is going about his life with no real impacts. His parents are giving hom $ to buy me out so he is staying. I'm a homebody and have put so much into making this place my sanctuary and building up my business, my passion. I'm so angry that I'm losing my safe place and all of this that means the world to me. All of that on top of feeling like my body is failing me. Fuck everything.

[starburst604]

nospaekae you have every right to feel how you feel right now. I'm sorry there is so much on your shoulders and am especially sorry about your recent diagnosis. Despite the challenges, you've done an amazing job of setting yourself up for a bright future by buying your new home and going where you know you'll have support. He will just continue to tread water.

[somersault72]

I'm really proud of all of you ladies.
My situation was different than most of you. My ex was the one to initiate the divorce and I was completely blindsided. It's almost like my ex went through a midlife crisis at 30. He had lost his dream job (through no fault of his own). That was 14ish years ago. I used to cry so many days on my way home from work. I was single for a loooooong time. After about a year of letting my heart heal though I enjoyed that time of just me and my son and I still look back on it fondly. I spent a ton of time with my friends, both with our kids/my kid and just us gals. Eventually I did start dating again. My ex is harmless but is a completely lazy parent. He's now remarried to a 30-year-old (we're 43). She's nice to my kid which is all I care about.
When my ex left I was 29 and I had NEVER lived on my own, ever so I had A LOT of learning and growing to do, and boy did I. When I was married to my ex he was a partner, but I wasn't used to doing everything all on my own.
I'm rooting for all of you! <3

[pugz]

nospaekae I am so so sorry about your diagnosis.

[amandakisser]

My XH revealed that he relapsed - he had been sober from alcohol since the end of December. He came to the house to see the girls and was crying to me, telling me he still loves me and misses me. I know he's depressed because his life shattered, but all of this was tough to hear. I'm very melancholy today and he's heading back to rehab for the third time tonight. He's really upset with himself, and I'm being more supportive this time but it's...a lot. I just want to be out of this addiction nightmare.

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 21, 2024 11:08:10 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

My XH revealed that he relapsed - he had been sober from alcohol since the end of December. He came to the house to see the girls and was crying to me, telling me he still loves me and misses me. I know he's depressed because his life shattered, but all of this was tough to hear. I'm very melancholy today and he's heading back to rehab for the third time tonight. He's really upset with himself, and I'm being more supportive this time but it's...a lot. I just want to be out of this addiction nightmare.

I left/divorced someone in the throes of addiction. There comes a point (3x in rehab would definitely be IT for me) where you have to let them go and be responsible for themselves. What you say/do has ZERO bearing on how they turn out. You have to watch out for your kids more. He's your xh, no longer your responsibility. It may look cold and callous, but the day I left, I made peace with the fact that he'll get clean and sober OR end up 6' under. The choice was his not mine. In 2021, 8y after I left, he found himself 6'under. 

Do you have full legal/physical custody? An addict isn't fit to be a parent in any way, shape or form. 

[bcv513]

Last night was one of those tough nights. C called me at 8:00 and I could tell something was wrong. I asked her "what's going on?" and she burst into tears. She said "it's just been a really hard day and I wish you could come and get me." OMG my heart broke. Then XH comes in and starts yelling at her because she's not asleep, and she wanted the fan on, and she didn't get up early enough that morning, just incessant badgering. I hate that she has to deal with this. When we were together, he always took his anger out on me. Now C is the target and I feel like I'm not protecting her. I get her back tonight thank God.

[starburst604]

amandakisser I'm so sorry to hear that he's relapsed. It's kind of you to be supportive/helpful, but remember that you have yourself to take care of too. You can only give so much energy to him. I get it though, I'm a fixer and I'd probably do the same thing.

bcv513 that sounds really hard and I'm dreading days like that, which I know will happen. I hate that your XH takes his anger out on her. Remind me how old your DD is?

[bcv513]

starburst604, she just turned 8. Normally she can give it right back to him. I think she was just tired and missing me. She said she hates daddy weekends. It's so hard, but I still don't regret ending things. I know it's better in the long run for everyone.

[sparkythelawyer]

May 17, 2024 13:33:20 GMT -5 FrankieM20 said:

May 17, 2024 13:25:18 GMT -5 sent said:

OMG the dog's behavior has changed for the better? This is so encouraging to hear. I have picked up all kinds of awful medical conditions since COVID started and I feel like I can shed them if I get rid of the toxic energy. 

She is unrecognizable!!!! I think not getting yelled at and mistreated every single day has done wonders for her. I am so happy that she is living her best life now. Maybe I can have that too?


I recently was diagnosed with a chronic illness that I assumed was pushed to the surface due to the stress of having young kids, but now I’m wondering if it’s more due to the stress I’m under from this marriage and just don’t realize it yet.

This is absolutely the most agonizing decision I have ever had to make. I wish I could just fast forward a year from now and have all the really hard parts be over with.

Look.  You're jealous of your dog because you gave your dog peace while you still choose warfare.  Get off the battlefield, and treat yourself as well as you did the dog.  You're worth it.

[campermom]

I really hate the term HC (high conflict) divorce. It implies that there are two people who fight. My reality is that one holds power over the other.

I don’t know how else to manage situations like this. Our agreement has us splitting sports, medical and phone bills. I dread that time when I gather all the receipts. It’s financial abuse and a form of post-separation abuse.

Receipts aren’t good enough. They need to be line item receipts. I send a receipt for the cell bill w the breakdown of each line (mine, and each kids so he can pay for half of the kids, only). He wants more pages of the bill so that he can see how the $40 military discount is applied to each line. I can’t get rid of that military discount even if I tried. Ok! Take 40/3 off each kids line. “No I need to see how it’s applied” then when I satisfy that request, he shifts it to asking about the Verizon dollars I earn from my Verizon credit card and how I earn cash back that gets applied to my phone bill. Now he wants a copy of my credit card statement bc he claims he doesn’t believe that it’s Verizon dollars, and thinks I’m getting more actual discounts from the phone. The bill is roughly the same every month.

Another example is the receipts from a sports store. Here’s a bill for $50, and I label the Venmo “baseball glove” but he won’t pay half bc it didn’t doesn’t specify the details that’s it’s a glove. He says things like “how do I know you didn’t buy something for yourself and are charging me?”

Pick up meds at Walgreens. It’s like $7 for his share. “How do I know that’s not your medication and it’s really his”

It’s all exhausting, but these bills add up. Yesterday’s reimbursements added to $1000 (which means I fronted $2000) and that was over the course of 2 months.

I wish I didn’t need it and could just walk away.

The irony of all of this is. I took my son to a renowned neurologist today. I informed ExH the appt is at noon, near where he lives. (An hour from us) he says he’s going to come. I literally got texts from him today during the appt, specifying how much he’s willing to pay toward the kids cell bills since I couldn’t produce a receipt w a line item showing that the $315 charge was for buying out a broken phone for a new one to avoid a $250 deductible to get a refurb. I had previously produced the text receipt that Verizon sent me, and then I provided a snapshot of my cc bill that’s showing two separate charges from Verizon and label then “phone buy out” and “service/connection/new purchase/fees” and that one is itemized. I can’t physically get a one item for the other. I had even called.

He missed the fucking neuro appointment. While he was texting me this nonsense about the phone bill. He missed it.

[expatjen]

I'm trying to learn to co-parent without emotions getting the better of me. My kids (13 & 6) leave on Sunday for 2 months with their dad, and I've got a whole bag of mixed emotions (I have physical custody during the school year and he gets them for summer break). My XH is a narcissist and we divorced early last year. He cheated multiple times over our 17-yr marriage, but the last time was with his assistant (so cliche) and our son found texts between the two, so I initiated divorce proceedings in Nov 2022 and it was finalized in April 2023. We had a fairly amicable divorce, but there is a lot of hurt and anger still between us. I'm keeping busy and trying to put on a brave face for the kids, but I'm really sad they're going to be gone for that long.

[starburst604]

campermom that man is the Overlord of Douchebags, truly. I give you so much credit for not losing your shit with him, he is exhausting.

[starburst604]

expatjen I would be so sad to not see my kid for that long too. It doesn’t make you weak or over emotional. I have similar hurt between me and STBX and I think it will be a long time before I’m over it and able to not have anger towards him.