A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[twinmomma]

starburst604, It's good that you're realizing this now and doing what feels right for you and your mental health. I tried to stay friendly with my ex in-laws for way too long and it made things really hard for me unnecessarily. There was a lot of similar "advice" and "feedback" from them regarding how to handle my marriage and divorce. I had known them since childhood and felt like I had to stay a part of their family for the sake of my kids. Then I realized that the relationship they have with my kids is their dad's responsibility to cultivate, not mine. It is such a freeing feeling to not have to deal with them anymore!

[starburst604]

twinmomma that’s exactly what I’m thinking right now. Maybe in a year or two I’ll feel differently but right now I am much too raw to exchange friendly chat about tv shows or whatever with his sister and send them all pics of DD. That’s his job now. These people don’t have a seat at my table anymore, as the saying goes. Having to deal with him as a coparent is quite enough.

[sent]

My kids left this morning to visit the IL's for the weekend. I can't remember which kid asked "why don't you come mommy?" but my answer is always the same. "Because they are not nice to me." That's a very simplistic answer but it's true.

Overlooking and tolerating unkind behaviors is how I ended up in this mess in the first place. I'm going to print out that contract from the lawyer today and read it.

[Aloe Vera]

May 24, 2024 6:49:27 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

These people don’t have a seat at my table anymore, as the saying goes.

This is very important to realize, especially early on. Expect in very rare cases, their family will always be on their side 100%, no matter how terrible the STBX is. Being separated shifts loyalties overnight. It's important to protect yourself because whatever you do or say could be used against you, especially when children are involved. 

[starburst604]

May 24, 2024 9:19:54 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

May 24, 2024 6:49:27 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

These people don’t have a seat at my table anymore, as the saying goes.

This is very important to realize, especially early on. Expect in very rare cases, their family will always be on their side 100%, no matter how terrible the STBX is. Being separated shifts loyalties overnight. It's important to protect yourself because whatever you do or say could be used against you, especially when children are involved. 

It's so true. I have tried being "adult" about it, and they're all "DD is all that matters, we're still family" and so forth. But you know what, my feelings matter too. I won't disparage STBX in any way to DD, but I don't need relationships with anyone who supports him, while he's running off to paradise with his brand new thing and I'm over here struggling. Fuck them all. My family hates him. Now I wish I had said so much more in my text to MIL, but I'm also glad I didn't because going for the jugular with an 80 year old woman probably isn't a great thing. 

[bcv513]

starburst604, your MIL sounds a lot like mine in that they never made their sons take responsibility for anything. It's okay that he cheated on me because he deserves to be happy. It's okay that he destroyed his family because I didn't take care of him. It's okay that he's addicted to porn because he saw his uncle's Playboy magazines when he was a little boy. The delusion is strong.

[starburst604]

May 24, 2024 10:01:48 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604 , your MIL sounds a lot like mine in that they never made their sons take responsibility for anything. It's okay that he cheated on me because he deserves to be happy. It's okay that he destroyed his family because I didn't take care of him. It's okay that he's addicted to porn because he saw his uncle's Playboy magazines when he was a little boy. The delusion is strong.

The irony is that when we were together, she would say things like "How do you put up with him?!" "You're the best/luckiest thing that ever happened to him". She would complain about him treating her poorly, not calling him on Mother's Day, only contacting her when he needed something, and things like that. But she gave him 10K when we split to help with his legal fees and has the nerve to come at me for something that might shed a negative light on him?? Please, she's lucky that's all I've said publicly. Now that I think of it, she was having an affair at the end of her marriage to STBX's dad with the guy who ended up being her 2nd husband, so maybe that's just the family model! 

[spindle92]

May 24, 2024 9:19:54 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

May 24, 2024 6:49:27 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

These people don’t have a seat at my table anymore, as the saying goes.

This is very important to realize, especially early on. Expect in very rare cases, their family will always be on their side 100%, no matter how terrible the STBX is. Being separated shifts loyalties overnight. It's important to protect yourself because whatever you do or say could be used against you, especially when children are involved. 

I was the rare case.
His family disowned him and 10 yrs later I am still very close with his aunts, uncles and cousins. (Both his parents have passed but they were awful human beings.)

[nospaekae]

May 24, 2024 10:01:48 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604, your MIL sounds a lot like mine in that they never made their sons take responsibility for anything. It's okay that he cheated on me because he deserves to be happy. It's okay that he destroyed his family because I didn't take care of him. It's okay that he's addicted to porn because he saw his uncle's Playboy magazines when he was a little boy. The delusion is strong.

Think of how much worse it's gonna get when the sons of these self-proclaimed "boy moms" grow up.

[bcv513]

May 24, 2024 10:15:33 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

May 24, 2024 10:01:48 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604 , your MIL sounds a lot like mine in that they never made their sons take responsibility for anything. It's okay that he cheated on me because he deserves to be happy. It's okay that he destroyed his family because I didn't take care of him. It's okay that he's addicted to porn because he saw his uncle's Playboy magazines when he was a little boy. The delusion is strong.

The irony is that when we were together, she would say things like "How do you put up with him?!" "You're the best/luckiest thing that ever happened to him". She would complain about him treating her poorly, not calling him on Mother's Day, only contacting her when he needed something, and things like that. But she gave him 10K when we split to help with his legal fees and has the nerve to come at me for something that might shed a negative light on him?? Please, she's lucky that's all I've said publicly. Now that I think of it, she was having an affair at the end of her marriage to STBX's dad with the guy who ended up being her 2nd husband, so maybe that's just the family model! 

I hate to "like" your post but holy crap we have the same MIL. She used to tell me she had a no return policy. She also paid his legal bills. And now he's living with her and she's cooking his meals and doing his laundry. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 24, 2024 9:19:54 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

May 24, 2024 6:49:27 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

These people don’t have a seat at my table anymore, as the saying goes.

This is very important to realize, especially early on. Expect in very rare cases, their family will always be on their side 100%, no matter how terrible the STBX is. Being separated shifts loyalties overnight. It's important to protect yourself because whatever you do or say could be used against you, especially when children are involved. 

Another one who got lucky and got to 'keep' the in-laws. No one and I mean NO ONE took his side in the divorce. They all agreed it was a tragic, sad situation and that their door was always open to Miss R and I and later J. 

That said, I do tend to keep things close to the vest and most are on a only IF they need to know basis about my private life.  

[sent]

May 24, 2024 11:52:02 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

May 24, 2024 10:15:33 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

The irony is that when we were together, she would say things like "How do you put up with him?!" "You're the best/luckiest thing that ever happened to him". She would complain about him treating her poorly, not calling him on Mother's Day, only contacting her when he needed something, and things like that. But she gave him 10K when we split to help with his legal fees and has the nerve to come at me for something that might shed a negative light on him?? Please, she's lucky that's all I've said publicly. Now that I think of it, she was having an affair at the end of her marriage to STBX's dad with the guy who ended up being her 2nd husband, so maybe that's just the family model! 

I hate to "like" your post but holy crap we have the same MIL. She used to tell me she had a no return policy. She also paid his legal bills. And now he's living with her and she's cooking his meals and doing his laundry. 

In the past year, MIL came and told me that I was the one who chose to marry him so I had to live with the consequences. I think I tried to tell her that I had no clue back then that someone (her son) who supposedly came from a "good" family could be so horrible. At a different occasion, FIL came to me and said if he is such a horrible person, well it's been 14 years since you've been married so you should be used to it by now.

Both of these incidents occurred when they came over to our house which isn't even that often. This is why I don't go to their house, because it is very hard for me to think rationally around them. 

I do sometimes wonder what will happen with the extended family like the cousins who are our age. They are all very aware that he is the drunk uncle with no filter.  They know I'm the rational human. I wonder how they will treat me when we no longer have to be acting like a 4 person family. I don't communicate that much with them anyways, but I am connected on social media to some of them and occasionally text a few of them. 

[starburst604]

sent it's going to do wonders for you when you never have to interact with your ILs ever again! They sound horrible, no surprise the apple didn't fall far from the tree there. Along with MIL, I also deleted some other family members of STBX's, especially his guy cousins. The toxic masculinity runs strong in that family and I'm so glad to never have to hang around any of them again. 

[jlt19]

May 24, 2024 11:33:42 GMT -5 spindle92 said:

May 24, 2024 9:19:54 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

This is very important to realize, especially early on. Expect in very rare cases, their family will always be on their side 100%, no matter how terrible the STBX is. Being separated shifts loyalties overnight. It's important to protect yourself because whatever you do or say could be used against you, especially when children are involved. 

I was the rare case.
His family disowned him and 10 yrs later I am still very close with his aunts, uncles and cousins. (Both his parents have passed but they were awful human beings.)

Me too. Well, his sisters are on my side, but I don’t want/need them to disown him. His parents can kiss my ass, I’m pretty sure they don’t talk to either of us.

What REALLY sucks is how much my family is “neutral” or what seems to me as tipping the scale to his side. They don’t know 99% of what all has gone on in our marriage, so I guess it’s easy to feel bad for him. Especially considering my mom had an affair and my BIL has had a million and always welcomed back. I want him to have a support system but I just wish it didn’t have to be my parents and sister.

[puppyluv]

How do I handle our anniversary during this time to hurt less? This weekend is the first anniversary apart and it would have 16 yrs. I just want to curl up and cry right now.

[campermom]

puppyluv I’m so sorry. One of the hardest weekends I had during my separation period, I arranged for myself to go do something unique and brave and fun and I did it just for myself. I went out and took trapeze lessons. Another hard weekend, I arranged for my girlfriend and I (also newly separated) to take pole dancing lessons. She did something for herself one weekend with her friend that she needed, too-they went to a rage room.

Basically, I planned something ahead of time that required money so i wouldn’t back out and it forced me out of the house and shifted my focus to doing something wild crazy brave and scary for myself but in the end I’m so thankful I did (whatever it was) to get me through that day.

And listening to other women on the boards tell me that next Christmas (or anniversary, big day, etc) was going to feel dramatically different for me.

But I also took note of that depressed, sad, awful feeling and I even took a picture of myself riding out the wave bc I knew that next year I would take a pic of myself on the same day and I’d be so different. I was.

[trytobearunner34]

puppyluv (((Hugs))). I am very much still in the thick of things so take this with a grain of salt.

January and February were my saddest months. I have historically been one to push down or push through my feelings so took this opportunity to lean in to the sadness for an extended time for the first time probably ever in my life. During this time I worked through this book:

Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After a.co/d/7xX8iTY

I found the journaling to be massively beneficial to untangle and work through a lot of my feelings. It really helped me to mourn the dream I had for our marriage and accept the reality that is. It helped me achieve a sense of peace with our decision and with this season of my life.

[starburst604]

puppyluv I’m sorry you’re going through that this weekend. Have you got anything planned to take your mind off it a bit? I’m also struggling this weekend with that trip STBX is on with the gf. I know I’ll struggle when our anniversary comes in October and all the other “firsts”.

[sent]

May 24, 2024 11:35:42 GMT -5 nospaekae said:

May 24, 2024 10:01:48 GMT -5 bcv513 said:

starburst604 , your MIL sounds a lot like mine in that they never made their sons take responsibility for anything. It's okay that he cheated on me because he deserves to be happy. It's okay that he destroyed his family because I didn't take care of him. It's okay that he's addicted to porn because he saw his uncle's Playboy magazines when he was a little boy. The delusion is strong.

Think of how much worse it's gonna get when the sons of these self-proclaimed "boy moms" grow up.

Boy moms & their coddled sons have always been a thing. Women just shamelessly put it out there now to monetize the likes. 

I've known many including my estranged cousin. When we were invited to his wedding, I was excited to get to know his wife. She was super smart and friendly and we even had some friends in common. She divorced him within the first year of being married when she realized he was a grown-up mama's boy, even though they lived like 1500 miles from the mom. Smart woman. My cousin got remarried in an arranged marriage to a girl from the motherland. These girls will tend to overlook this behavior and stay married hence why people from my background are full of anxiety and other psychological disorders because they put up with this patriarchal BS. 

When he came to my wedding, he was in-between marriages. He told me he loved living back home because it's nice to have the laundry done. 

[sent]

puppyluv , it's ok to cry. I did. I kept my focus on how much better the future can be.

Two days later, the dumbass showed up with red roses and chocolate and said "Happy Anniversary!" I was like today is not our anniversary. He was convinced it was. It also occurred to me that he has never asked me what my favorite flowers are. I never buy them because they are expensive but I think they are very beautiful. My wedding bouquet was made of them. He's had 14 years to figure this out.

At least the kids had fun looking up the pieces of chocolate on the little description paper and then eating it.

[Saudade]

Lots of love and hugs for those struggling

I asked for the divorce. No huge reason other than I wasn't happy and I had a wonderful partner who was another child to care for. I am a million times happier divorced. I will never financially recover and I have to be ok with that. Honestly, that's the hardest part for me and the one that causes the most regret. 

I also have big feelings because exH started dating one of my (previously) good friends. Looks like they'll probably be moving in together soon. I am so salty about this. I feel very violated and I haven't really processed or come to terms with my feelings other than a lot of anger. On top of that, this relationship is making him make some really bad decisions when it comes to being a parent and I will be the one left to pick up the pieces of our kids' feelings/broken hearts/emotions/behaviors....which leads to more anger. 

[sent]

Saudade, (((hugs))) for you also.

[bookqueen15]

My DH are on the verge of separation and likely divorce. He cheated on me, lied about it and then tried to spin it into being polyamorous before he finally told me everything. Our marriage hasn't been in a good place for awhile and we keep talking about ways to improve it but nothing changes. And I don't trust him anymore and honestly don't know how I can stay married to someone I don't trust.

And he hasn't done really any work at all in terms of earning my trust back. I don't think he really cares.

It's just so hard to have to be the one to start the process but it's becoming clear to me that is what I'm going to need to do.

We had a long conversation last night and he actually said he feels our relationship has run its course. We've been together for almost 19 years, married for 14. Two kids ages 6 and 10. Also moved out of state two years ago. So I'm so hesitant to have our kids go through another big change.

But I just don't see how we can stay married at this point and I'm pretty sure we'll both be happier in the long run. It's just so hard. And I know it definitely won't be great for me financially.

[blondemoment123]

((bookqueen15))

[bcv513]

Big hugs to you Wishing you peace with whatever happens

[starburst604]

So sorry bookqueen15. Figuring out these initial logistics felt paralyzing to me - moving, financials and so on. I heard something like 80% of divorces are initiated by the wife in hetero marriages. Had I not filed, we would still be sitting here in limbo, of that I am sure.

[Nugget T. Brain, The OG]

May 24, 2024 9:19:54 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

May 24, 2024 6:49:27 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

These people don’t have a seat at my table anymore, as the saying goes.

This is very important to realize, especially early on. Expect in very rare cases, their family will always be on their side 100%, no matter how terrible the STBX is. Being separated shifts loyalties overnight. It's important to protect yourself because whatever you do or say could be used against you, especially when children are involved. 

Yep. His parents went from not allowing him into their house to telling me I needed to get over the divorce and they support his girlfriend because they support him. 20 years knowing them and they are persona non grata to me now. Painful but needed.

His sister, OTOH, cussed all of them out and hasn't spoken to her brother in 2 years.

[bookqueen15]

starburst604 Thanks, I feel like we've been in limbo for months already and it's starting to drive me crazy. The logistics are just so tricky. But I have already found a good before care option for the kids for next year if he moves out by the fall. I know we are both in agreement to keep the kids here in this house at least for the next year or two. Our state also requires a year of separation first.

That's an interesting statistic but it makes a lot of sense. I have already met with a lawyer who I really liked. Just haven't pulled the trigger yet on paying the retainer to get the process started.

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 28, 2024 11:15:45 GMT -5 bookqueen15 said:

starburst604 Thanks, I feel like we've been in limbo for months already and it's starting to drive me crazy. The logistics are just so tricky. But I have already found a good before care option for the kids for next year if he moves out by the fall. I know we are both in agreement to keep the kids here in this house at least for the next year or two. Our state also requires a year of separation first.

That's an interesting statistic but it makes a lot of sense. I have already met with a lawyer who I really liked. Just haven't pulled the trigger yet on paying the retainer to get the process started.

I remember talking to lawyers a good 2y before I finally left (I had left previously for a month then STUPIDLY went back to him). When I did pull the trigger and left, I did so knowing exactly what to do. 

[starburst604]

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!