A thread for those of us separated/divorced

[shopgirl07]

May 28, 2024 13:00:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!

Did you tell her to pound sand?

[noodleoo]

May 28, 2024 13:00:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!

Did she not know he was married?  Because other than a mortified apology, why else would she be reaching out to you?!?

[Totally not sofamonkey]

May 28, 2024 13:11:16 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

May 28, 2024 13:00:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!

Did she not know he was married?  Because other than a mortified apology, why else would she be reaching out to you?!?

Hopefully an apology and ammunition for the divorce!!

[pinkdutchtulips]

May 28, 2024 13:00:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!

Karma 

Disclaimer - technically J and I were still "married" to our former spouses but living apart from them when we met and started dating. That said, papers had been filed, served, and were working their way through the courts at that time. 

[ssmjlm]

May 28, 2024 13:00:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!

Guess the Bahamas didn't go as well as she was hoping. 

[emilyinchile]

I know this is your real life and not just drama for us, and I don't mean to be insensitive, but since you've shared that much...WE NEED MORE PLEASE.

[shauni27]

I know I do not belong on this thread, but I have been following because my life long best friend is going through a hell of a time with her asshole husband. She met with a signed with a lawyer and KNOWS she needs to leave him, but is feeling trapped because of houses and finances.

PDQ

I try to tell her all of the stuff I am reading on here, that it WILL work out and she just has to go for it, but she needs logistical steps set up. What can I do to help her? She works and they co-own their home. Neither want to lose it in a divorce, but even if she got it and had to refinance to buy him out and get his name off, due to high interest rates, her payments would go up significantly and her salary (despite having two master degrees) is not high. She is feeling priced out of all options and I literally do not know what steps to take to help her see that she needs to leave NOW.

Another (PDQ) question: if she leaves with her kids due to safety reasons, is it more challenging to get the house when it comes to filing for divorce? If she has a family member cosign (be it on this house or anything else) with her, does that look less appealing to banks/sellers?

[ssmjlm]

shauni27, could she afford a small rental to at least get out? Then use the proceeds from the sale for something?

[flex]

Having been divorced for many years now. I can safely say it all now just feels like a bad dream. So hang in there all of you - it WILL get better.

[livinitup]

shauni27 Division of assets is state dependent. So, to understand what your friend is legally entitled to and/or responsible for, she needs to get legal advice from an attorney licensed and practicing in her state.

In general, you cannot be compelled to leave your residence (home) without a court order. However, if you leave voluntarily, you may not be able to return without permission from the current resident. This is why divorce attorneys advise their clients not to move out. It has implications for parenting (access to minor children living in the home) and access to possessions. However, voluntarily leaving your residence does not forfeit the home as a joint or marital asset. Or even as a personal asset. It’s still an asset of the marriage, even if you do not reside in the home. The house remains an asset subject to the division of property in a divorce. Again, check your state rules/regulations.

It cannot be overstated that your friend’s safety and the safety of her children is/are the most important consideration in a marriage - happy or not, or a divorce - acrimonious or not. Any decision she makes that keeps herself safe or keeps her children safe is the right decision.

Mortgage lenders don’t “care” if you have co-signers on a mortgage loan or not. They just care about making money on the loan. Which basically means that they take a bet that you will repay the loan with interest. If you are a high risk of not repaying it (determined by a poor credit score) then they charge you more money/higher interest rates. Or don’t qualify you at all. If someone with great credit co-signs, the bank considers it a good bet that the loan will be repaid with interest. That’s all they care about. The hard part is to get someone with good credit to co-sign the loan with someone with bad credit. Because the co-signer is legally agreeing to repay the loan + interest. Even if the other co-signer does not pay a dime.

[wanderingback]

shauni27 what is the price of rentals where she lives? Has she looked at rentals and her budget?

It sounds like she might be in an unsafe situation so safety (physical and mental) should come first even if financially it might be difficult in the beginning.

[pixy0stix]

How the fuck do you get law firms to call you back? I'm on cold call number 6 since last year of periodically contacting offices regarding availability and having questions. I've gotten 1 preliminary call back and the attorney never did a follow-up. Is it me? Am I the issue?

[shauni27]

May 28, 2024 15:12:43 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

shauni27 what is the price of rentals where she lives? Has she looked at rentals and her budget?

It sounds like she might be in an unsafe situation so safety (physical and mental) should come first even if financially it might be difficult in the beginning.

This is what I am trying to press upon her, but prices are about 3k a month and her income is minimal.

[mcsangel2]

May 28, 2024 13:00:17 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Well. Today i got a wall of text from his gf, who is apparently not his gf anymore. The jig is up for him!!

obviously, feel free to tell me to piss off but.....WHAT DID SHE SAY.

[ssmjlm]

pixy0stix, do you have anyone you trust to give a recommendation? You might get a response if you say someone referred you?

[pixy0stix]

May 28, 2024 15:24:01 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

pixy0stix , do you have anyone you trust to give a recommendation? You might get a response if you say someone referred you?

No, I don't know anyone here who has retained a divorce attorney.

[wanderingback]

May 28, 2024 15:19:53 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

How the fuck do you get law firms to call you back? I'm on cold call number 6 since last year of periodically contacting offices regarding availability and having questions. I've gotten 1 preliminary call back and the attorney never did a follow-up. Is it me? Am I the issue?

Have you tried email?
Also are you a part of any local family Facebook groups? I know the group I’m a part of you can post anonymously and people asking for therapist and lawyer recommendations are often posted anonymous.

I Hope you get some follow ups soon!

[jane6672]

pixy0stix, I found my lawyer on Yelp 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was overwhelmed by researching options, so went to Yelp and searched “divorce lawyer” they had a lot of good reviews with comments to the effect that the lawyer had a common sense approach that made things easy and inexpensive.

They responded to the inquiry quickly and
I was happy with the lawyer.

[pixy0stix]

May 28, 2024 16:19:19 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

May 28, 2024 15:19:53 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

How the fuck do you get law firms to call you back? I'm on cold call number 6 since last year of periodically contacting offices regarding availability and having questions. I've gotten 1 preliminary call back and the attorney never did a follow-up. Is it me? Am I the issue?

Have you tried email?
Also are you a part of any local family Facebook groups? I know the group I’m a part of you can post anonymously and people asking for therapist and lawyer recommendations are often posted anonymous.

I Hope you get some follow ups soon!

I have tried email. And filling out website forms. I really have no idea what is going on, other than the one aide I talked to said that apparently everyone here is trying to get a divorce and everyone is slammed. It could be that I'm stuck in the "not enough personnel" zone.

[rupertpenny]

deleted

[jlt19]

May 28, 2024 16:23:03 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

May 28, 2024 16:19:19 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Have you tried email?
Also are you a part of any local family Facebook groups? I know the group I’m a part of you can post anonymously and people asking for therapist and lawyer recommendations are often posted anonymous.

I Hope you get some follow ups soon!

I have tried email. And filling out website forms. I really have no idea what is going on, other than the one aide I talked to said that apparently everyone here is trying to get a divorce and everyone is slammed. It could be that I'm stuck in the "not enough personnel" zone.

You could probably use anyone in your state, though I’d still try to get as close as possible to your area. My entire divorce was done via email/secure links for docs. I had to go to the office one time to sign the official documents with the notary so they could file, but I’m sure you could mail them in. Ours was uncontested though, so no court appearances, and that could be different for you, obviously as well as different state laws.

[pixy0stix]

May 28, 2024 17:57:37 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

May 28, 2024 16:23:03 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

I have tried email. And filling out website forms. I really have no idea what is going on, other than the one aide I talked to said that apparently everyone here is trying to get a divorce and everyone is slammed. It could be that I'm stuck in the "not enough personnel" zone.

You could probably use anyone in your state, though I’d still try to get as close as possible to your area. My entire divorce was done via email/secure links for docs. I had to go to the office one time to sign the official documents with the notary so they could file, but I’m sure you could mail them in. Ours was uncontested though, so no court appearances, and that could be different for you, obviously as well as different state laws.

The one thing I'm worried about is my house. In CO most things are considered communal property, but the house is not included with certain conditions. I want to know if I meet any of those. (This is the house that my gparents built, that I grew up in, and then was able to purchase. I love my house, and if I have to sell will probably not be able to stay in the area.)

[plutosmoon]

pixy0stix, have you told your husband you want a divorce already? If so, could he have conflicted you out by contacting them first early on? Most lawyers at least contacted me back within the first day, even if they couldn't help me. I found calling was the best way to reach attorneys. My attorney was in his late 40s and wouldn't use email much.

[bcv513]

Pixy if your husband has contacted them even for a free evaluation, they cannot work with you. It’s a conflict of interest.

This is weird but I looked up divorce records in my state. It’s all online and I looked up people I know and common last names looking for common lawyers. That’s how I found mine

[AdaraMarie]

pixy0stix Do you have an eap through your work that includes legal? I was able to set up a free consultation through mine which might be enough for you to get some questions answered if nothing else.
I did that with a guy I didn't use.
The guy I did use in Arapahoe County I would recommend but he is expensive and would charge a fortune in travel if he had to do anything in person in your area. If you want the name let me know in a message.

[pixy0stix]

The first 4 I contacted before I told H that I wanted a divorce. The last two were after. If he did contact the lawyers, would they tell me?

As of now we're working towards reconciliation with counseling, but I would still like answers to my legal questions.

ETA: No EAP.

[FrankieM20]

After a horrible long weekend I am pretty set on asking for a divorce. I too am stuck on the logistics of it all. Once I tell him he will be so very very angry and I can’t stomach living like that for a sustained period of time. Do I talk to a lawyer now before I tell him? I can afford to move out with the kids, but I don’t want to if I don’t have to.

Even though I know I need to do this, I feel so paralyzed. I am heartbroken that I am going to break his heart. He has no support system and unreliable family. Even his job is tied to my family. I keep reminding myself that it’s not my problem but it still tears me apart. I want the best for him, but just not with me.

Pixy, I second the Facebook suggestion. The local moms pages always have postings and you can search divorce to see who has been recommended. That’s how I’ve gotten my list of names. Sometimes therapists also have references. Good luck. I hope you are able to reach someone soon.

Edit: removed word added in by mistake. My H would NOT be proud of me for asking for a divorce.

[wanderingback]

FrankieM20 yes i would talk to a lawyer before you tell him.
I didn’t do that cause we didn’t have kids and our process was very unique (we both moved overseas about a month after I told him I was leaving him and didn’t own a home together), but if I were going through a divorce today with a kid and mutual property I would want to know general information before saying I wanted a divorce. It can only help.

[wanderingback]

May 28, 2024 16:23:03 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

May 28, 2024 16:19:19 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Have you tried email?
Also are you a part of any local family Facebook groups? I know the group I’m a part of you can post anonymously and people asking for therapist and lawyer recommendations are often posted anonymous.

I Hope you get some follow ups soon!

I have tried email. And filling out website forms. I really have no idea what is going on, other than the one aide I talked to said that apparently everyone here is trying to get a divorce and everyone is slammed. It could be that I'm stuck in the "not enough personnel" zone.

I think in general it matters about state laws so maybe expand your search? If using local resources like a Facebook or a listserv aren’t an option then I would just cold email and call dozens of people until I heard back. I would just sit down and dedicate an hour or 2 to doing so. Sorry it’s been so difficult for you!

I found my lawyer through my states bar association recommendation.

[jlt19]

May 28, 2024 18:02:35 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

May 28, 2024 17:57:37 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

You could probably use anyone in your state, though I’d still try to get as close as possible to your area. My entire divorce was done via email/secure links for docs. I had to go to the office one time to sign the official documents with the notary so they could file, but I’m sure you could mail them in. Ours was uncontested though, so no court appearances, and that could be different for you, obviously as well as different state laws.

The one thing I'm worried about is my house. In CO most things are considered communal property, but the house is not included with certain conditions. I want to know if I meet any of those. (This is the house that my gparents built, that I grew up in, and then was able to purchase. I love my house, and if I have to sell will probably not be able to stay in the area.)

I completely understand, and so hope you get to keep it. Do you think he’d “work” with you? I was in a similar-ish position in that I didn’t want to leave the house because of the kids. I regretfully
moved us all here 3 years ago and will do whatever I can to keep them in their district. If I had to sell/buy or refi, I couldn’t because he’d get half the equity and rates AND prices are so high. He was either understanding of that (or couldn’t afford an attorney to fight me) so I’ll pay him half of what the equity was as of Oct 1, 2023 within 2 years of our divorce date (March 24). I will save all of my bonuses, savings, whatever I can until then and probably do a 401k loan.

But I still get the house and the 2.65% interest rate. He’ll sign a quick deed claim and should be able to get a new mortgage after a full year of me paying the mortgage without him (per an underwriter friend).

All that to say, there are ways to make it work. Always keep the eyes on the prize. ESPECIALLY when things get rocky. Don’t bite back because in the end, it will get you 5 minutes of satisfaction but could lose you the house.